Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

I think it's fair enough for his sister to let him in but then she can get him out and into a bedsit asap, glad to hear she is in your corner missmama.

Agree with WWIFN.

and missmama- make sure he/they know you know EVERYTHING.

that'll cut out alot of denial.

and don't for a minute feel guilty about the means in which you got that information... he's the one to blame here but don't be surprised if he tries to turn it round on you.

it's strange what guilt can do to people.

I HAVE contacted the ow when my ex had an affair. It did me no good - I still cringe thinking about it. I phoned her and ranted. Which I suppse is worse than an email. But I was pg at the time - so blame the hormones! After the call nothing was achieved accept I lost my dignity. Your dh is doing this to you not her. She is nothing to you.

Think the suggestion of writing a letter/email and putting it in a draw for 2 days to see if you still want to send it then is a good idea.

For the moment I REALLY think you should just concencentrate on chucking your dh out. Get that done and then take stock. You cant think clearly till he is gone

I completely understand your wanting to contact the OW but would also counsel you not to - by all means write something to her but FGS don't send it until at least 3 days later. Chances are by then you'll be in a slightly different headspace and wonder what you were thinking - but you won't have sent it so it won't matter.

I wrote numerous letters/emails to my ex and to his bint - but sent none of them. For which I am eternally thankful.

Possibly the best thing to stop you contacting her is to imagine what you will feel like if she replies!
e.g. you send a measured email saying your H has chosen her and you are kicking him out.
She replies:
Thank God, now he can come over to me and he can be happy again - cue extreme pain on your part;
Oh God no, I don't want him, you can have him really - cue you now wondering, as someone else has already said, if he only comes back to you because his other "choice" has gone;
A sweary rant telling you what a you are and no wonder he chose her blah blah

However you look at it, any reply from her is not going to be good. And if she doesn't reply at all, you're going to be left wondering why not, or even if she got your email at all.

There is no good outcome from this scenario (I believe, anyway)

A lot of things resonate with me here. So sorry you're enduring this MM, it's horrible.

I did write to the OW a couple of times when my dp had an affair and as wwifn said earlier, she was the type of woman who felt no responsibility for what she was party to and didn't give a shit about anything or anyone but herself. She actually sent a message to my dp saying 'how fucking dare she contact me' as if I was beneath her contempt.

I wasn't in the least bit abusive to her, simply explained the situation and asked her to think of the consequences. She challenged me to a duel in Regent's Park and then threatened to send the police to my house for malicious communications and harassment. Complete and utter nutjob she is.

The only good thing that came out of it was that it exposed the nastier aspects of her personality to my dp and he realised that she wasn't the sort of person he'd want anything to do with (added to the fact that my dp was the 4th affair she'd had and one of the wives of her former affair partners actually sold the story to a magazine as a warning to other women. Another was a director of a very large, well known charity with small children and she stalked and harassed him, his wife and children for a long time after their affair ended... she's now trying to do the same thing to us)

crivvens akhems. that's a mini series in one post.

lol blinks, you should see the original thread.. it's been a saga and half.. hopefully we're coming to the end of it now

wow, akhems - she sounds dangerous. Some people should come with a health warning or something.

Yup, I think that might be why one of the previous wives put the story in the magazine, as a warning to everyone.

OW is actually proud of it, lol

I wanted to reply to Unlikelyamazonian after reading through the first half of the thread again
You said I needed MN help so so badly when my world went tits up. But I didn't have the strength of tone that you have for about four to six months I was so traumatised.
I dont know your story but I assume it was a shock to you, came as a surprise out of the blue.
I have been living with this since about last September, this is my life, it has become my norm. So yes I have been dealing with it in a different way to how you had too but I am also 6 months or more down that line.

Listening to everybody I cant believe I thought that it was OK living like this.

Whenever I bring things up to discuss or 'start on him' my husbands first sentence is always but I thought we were ok.
Meaning I suppose I thought I was getting away with it.

blimey MM.. how have you managed since September, I think I'd be a gibbering wreck by now

thing is, we all behave/react differently to things so just because UA's reaction wasn't like yours doesn't mean yours is wrong.

I wish you much strength to get through this ordeal.. I know how horrible it is huggs

Have you ever heard of the boiling a frog metaphor? the general idea is that a frog placed in boiling water would instantly try to jump out, whereas a frog placed in cold water that is then heated up will adapt its internal environment to accommodate the heat right up to the point where it dies.
You, missmama, are that frog. Metaphorically speaking, anyway.

UA's situation was completely different as you surmised. Very out of left field. Very shocking.

Anyway, now you have realised the "water temperature" you are doing something about it, which is great. Well done you.

Oh God I am a frog
lol hysterically

and then cry

I was lurking on UA's original thread about her dp leaving her and thought it was the most unbelievable story I had ever heard (not that I didn't believe her, just that it was inconceivable to me that someone's dp could behave like that). So UA, I think you're being unfair. You had plenty of support for your terrible situation, how would you have felt if someone posted like you did on this thread?

Aww, please don't cry, missmama - that wasn't my intention at all

I agree with Bessie, UAs story is less believable than this one, and both deserve our full support.

missmama - you know it is not ok - i can almost hear him in a pathetic voice 'but i thought we were ok' - which means he is ok.
He is being selfish - now is the chance for you to be selfish too.
have you had any legal advice - i would suggest getting some so you know where you stand.

Thumbwitch it is just so ridiculous that it is right

He will be home soon
I cant believe I am going to do this
I know he wont believe me either

Stay strong Mama. Remember this is a long game. Tell him calmly and clearly that you are no longer prepared to live with someone who is investing emotion in someone else. Don't be bamboozled by any protestations that this is not an affair, or that it's just a friendship. Remember that every denial that comes out of his mouth will be gaslighting. You can do this.

stay strong and god luck.

will be thinking about you

Have you packed a bag for him to take with him to his sister's? If not, do so right away - if he sees the bag in the hall it's going to be a large visual assist for him to believe you.

Be calm - be firm - tell him you have had Enough and that you Will Not Put Up With It any more. Things are Not Ok and have not been for some time, since he started this shenanigans, and you are not prepared to allow this to carry on.

Or something like that.

Have you any Rescue Remedy in the house? A few drops of that will help - failing that, a very small snifter of brandy (VERY small) might be calming.

Be strong, you are not going to be a frog any more, you are going to reclaim your life and your dignity and let him go and work out which is more important to him - his fantasy life or his real one.

Good luck - now go and pack that bag for him!

Good luck MM -- and have courage. Know that there are tens if not hundreds of women you don't even know on MN who are rooting for you today. Be strong. I will metaphorically light a candle for you.

Big hug.

Good luck, be brave.

MM, I have been lurking on here and just wanted to say good luck, you're doing the right thing. Keep posting.