My husband is a lazy arse!..Anyone else?

[jigglebum]

I am getting really quite fed up with quite how little DH does, outside of work and entertaining himself (ie his hobbies). He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!) but it is more noticeable and annoying now we have DS (22 months)

He argues that he does not care if the house is tidy/clean/beds made etc so if it bothers me then I should do it.

He works full time, I work very part time so I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, getting up with DS and all the stuff in the week with DS. He baths DS and plays with him for a little while after work. Weekends tend to depend on what mood he is in, how tired he is and what commitments he has to his hobbies as to how much he does and then it is with DS (which is good) rather than general helpful stuff.

I can't remember the last time he cooked a meal, even at a weekend. He seems to find it hard even to put things in the diswasher at times!

I know people will say talk to him about it, but tbh, the number of discussions we have had about it over the years and nothing changes - he does not see he might not be as perfect as he thinks he is!

Anyone else want to join the rant!

DH and I have been together 20 years today. He was very sweet and said "darling, you are still as lovely as when I met you and I love you even more than I did then" and I replied "can you spend the next 20 years washing my pants then?" 20 years of washing a man's pants...dear God.

Luckily, apart from washing clothes, he is fairly domesticated now.

I always say "start as you mean to go on". Trouble is, a lot of women do everything in the first 6 month "honeymoon" period and it just goes on and on and you realise you have been responsible for the cleaness of pants for 20 years.

DH does cook, he does things when I "issue an executive order" (this is not nagging) and does spend time with DD.

We both detest cleaning so we have a cleaner (she's been with me 15 years!), she loves cleaning. All our lives are enhanced by this arrangement.

I think if a man leaves home rather than do housework, he's not really that interested in his family, he was just there for his own comfort. This is desperately sad.

Hope you ladies on the verge of leaving the lazy arese find a good new life.

My friend threw her lazy bloke out and was left with 3 kids, she says the house is so much tidier and easier to manage, he was just one big mess creating machine.

My theory is that a lot of these entrenched gender roles start during maternity leave, when the woman is at home full time and generally nesting, etc.

Its almost like by the time she goes back to work (if she does), its just too difficult to even out the areas of responsibilities again.

If we had a truly transferable 'parental leave' arrangement where the man could take 9 months instead of the woman, or they could split it, it might help men to appreciate what hard work looking after the domestic sphere is and they might, therefore, stop being such lazy, ungrateful good-for-nothings.

Secret- my H also only has those two exclusive jobs, bins and grass, you made me smile when i read that, my H however doesnt!

there does comes a point IMO when you have done all the discussing , sulking, brooding and stopping doing things for someone that you can usually over a long period of time and they still dont care enough to change,that you have to say enoughs enough and put yourself first, (which is about where i am at) some people just wont change and thats it, stubborn stubborn stubborn,

Unrequited- yeah same here he doesnt listen until I throw a fit and then he only adjusts his behaviour until he thinks i have calmed down and forgotten about it,

OP sorry to hear you are in the same boat.

Zeppo - I think someone else has said this on anotehr thread you have bumped but there's a special section for media requests.

this is a really old thread!

I stupidly put up with this for many long years . I was a sahm , so while i thought it fair i did the majority of daily housework , that didnt extend to picking up his socks and being his personal slave.

I often commented that when we stayed in a hotel , he didnt expect the maid to pick up his underpants , therefore he had more respect for her than he did me.

Sadly the dcs were infected by his attitude and would also dump expect me to skivvy after them , they even joined in with the accusations of me nagging so of course there were endless rows.

I would never ever put up with this again , because its really not about housework , its about someone whos entitled and thinks that they are beneath menial tasts like putting their own plate away. I agree with posters who say its a form of abuse , you are constantly being set up for a row . Imagine being treated like that at work !

I breifly dated someone i thought was a really nice guy . We were once chatting about the upcoming weekend and he foolishly asked would i be making him a roast chicken dinner !!!! He then commented about how he was really looking forward to being spoilt a bit . I was speechless , and needless to say the weekend didnt happen.

Freinds thought i had been hasty and didnt get it and suggested i have a chat with him and clear things up. I didnt ,and wouldnt waste my time and energy trying to explain to any man that that is not my role.

I think theres much more to it than housework , its manipulative ( if you nag me there will be a row ) lazy and indicative of other negative veiws towards women.

wrote quite a long thread - now 'disappeared' so now only briefly:
husband does not help me willingly. Not the housework I'm worried about; more the garden. I am physically unable to do anything much in the garden due to an old op. from back in 2000 & have just 'overdone things' in the garden trimming overhanging & high branches etc. of small trees, shrubs etc. Have now got 'tissue damage' & been told by doctor & physio. to 'rest left shoulder' (broke L arm a few months ago in car accident). Husband doesn't see it as 'helping me do something that needs to be done'. I'm the one who's had to find a gardener & pay him out of my various small pensions (I had to retire abt. 4 yrs. ago - have chronic fatigue syndrome that 'comes & goes') He's not worked 'on & off' for about 3 years; sits about on sofa with laptop for hours on end; occasionally does go out with his music interests, which is a good thing. I enjoy dancing & go to various classes.......partly because I enjoy it & as an 'outlet'

ZOMBIE THREAD!!

You might get more help if you start a separate thread as this is six years old

My OH can cook he's a chef by trade and does do the cooking if he's hone but he does no cleaning or washing or shopping, he did try to clean once and it looked worse than when he started!

I try not to moan but it's hard sometimes, I work full time like he does and therefore it would be nice if there was more offers for him to do things without me having to ask all the time.

Stop doing his washing, don't pick up after him, don't cook for him at the weekend. He is taking you for granted. Maybe he will realise what he has got until its gone.

☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠

ZOMBIE THREAD WARNING

My husband is exactly the same I might aswell be on my own

There was a school reunion with classmates I lost touch with 30 yrs ago. We were children of 10, 11 or 12 years old. 30years later we all meet again and my conclusion is that none of them had changed. Only physically, but I was left with the a strong feeling that all our personalities were unchanged. As children we were all already made as what we still are 30 years after. Nobody changes, we are born as we are. That's my conclusion from this experience. The second point I believe many will agree, is how opposites often attract each other. So, the lazy type is attracted by the busy type, and vice versa. I was attracted by my husbands laid back, relaxed, lazy personality. Nothing is important enough that cannot wait until tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes. Of course, compared to him, I look like the exact opposite. I may look like a perfectionist obsessed with unnecessary details and chores. The comparison is important. My ex boyfriend, over ten years ago, he was spending money he didn't have, using credit cards and in comparison I looked like the opposite, a person who doesn't like spending money. But compared to my husband, who is really tight, i look like a person with a spending problem. The point here, not only opposites attract eachother, but probably relationships also naturally accentuate the already existing opposite roles to the extreme. It's a natural phenomena. My husband is lazy but also patient and laid back. These are also qualities. By just looking at him never worrying about anything really, I feel in heaven. On the other hand, I never stop. Dust never stops, carpets need vacuumed, toilet needs to be kept clean, and six months later all over again. If you hate dust you feel the uncontrollable need to dust it off. But, the laid back does not mind it. He or she prefers to relax. After all the disease of the century is stress. The survivors are the laid back types, not those that finish work at five in the office, come home and work again to dust and disinfect what could be done tomorrow (never). I envy them. Relax and chill out are priorities. Dusting, cutting grass, cleaning, washing ... the neverending list of unnecessary chores are not. And my husband is always in a good mood. Smiley and cheerful. Imagine if there were two like me in the house. The sofa would be useless.

I’m sorry to say it but this situation is something you have all created.

I think men never really quite understand how much children come first. They never really have to sacrifice things. So they carry on being lazy, it drives us mental so we just work harder and harder to compensate.

Thankyou you said it right. I feel the same way. You will regret it when you will work till you drop for that guy and your kids. You will be doing everything like a single mum and ur husband will be like ur older child. Just marry someone else and say that your husband is your older son from previous relationship

The best way to get them to wise up is to go away for a week or 2 so they have to do everything on their own. They will be in tears when you return. But in all honestly they rarely change.

I was one of many ladies with a lazy arse husband

He kept telling me he’d change but didn’t actually do it

I’m now living with 3 of our children in my own home

My house has never been tidier, cleaner or more relaxed and happier than it is now

I should have left along time before I did.......but I wanted the children have both parents living together

I left almost 4 years ago and my XH I still of the opinion that I’m a selfish bitch that tore apart our family

Hello, joining in if that’s ok... my dh works and has horrible commute so I do everything else. My question is whether that’s fair? ( it doesn’t feel fair. But he’s knackered esp. cos he was proper ill a year ago) I have a job one day a week, which, he doesn’t believe me, but am lucky to get, and am ( unsuccessfully because I can’t seem to focus) trying to sell my crafts. Kids are now tweens so not young. I just find myself being overwhelmed by housework/decorating/gardening etc. and totally bored and then get nothing done. How do these ladies that have lovely home, business do it?i find it totally thora Hird territory!. It’s true, it just creeps up on you. Dh bedroom is disgusting even by my loose standards. Whenever I mention that this isn’t a great role model for ds, he goes on about how messy mine is and turns it round to how he’s working and I should get a Proper job’ ( his default argument).
Is it fair? Can I ask him to do stuff even though he works? And if so, am I justified in standing my ground while he turns it round and says I’m avoiding getting a proper job? How do I train ds when his dad is such a slob ( but complains if ds gets toys out, because clutter hurts his brain and he can’t cope with it.) sorry. Feeling disgruntled. Suspect may be controlling or abuse ( such a big word) because it obv suits him.
For those of you divorced, how do you know you’ve had enough and how do you tell them?

@Aggh - you will probably get more responses if you ask MN to move your post and make it an OP of a new thread.

Can I add myself to the list of lazy arses? DP is very houseproud. I don't even see housework unless something is filthy or have run out of knives or plates. I do my own ironing and sometimes I'll do DP's. DP's nagging about doing the housework has very little effect. Words like Your house is dirty mean nothing to me. I don't think it is dirty just messy, Housework is something I do when i notice it needs doing.
We don't live together and DP's spotless flat is cleaned by DP's DM.

The only way DP could change me is if we bought somewhere together so it was Ours not mine and DP gave me chores.

If it helps, my DF did no housework, and I did no housework apart from kitchen and bathroom cleaning when growing up. DM did it and the house was cleanish and tidyish.

We don't live together and DP's spotless flat is cleaned by DP's DM

So DP doesn't do housework either!

DP is a neat freak. DP's DM loves cleaning and ironing (and shopping and holidays). I don't have much common ground with her.

He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!

I can't help blaming my MIL in the way she brought DH up.

His laziness isn’t a recent development but you chose to stay in a relationship with him anyway. I get that it’s easier pointing the finger at your MIL but it wasn’t your MIL’s decision to marry the lazy arsenal.