My husband is a lazy arse!..Anyone else?

[jigglebum]

I am getting really quite fed up with quite how little DH does, outside of work and entertaining himself (ie his hobbies). He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!) but it is more noticeable and annoying now we have DS (22 months)

He argues that he does not care if the house is tidy/clean/beds made etc so if it bothers me then I should do it.

He works full time, I work very part time so I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, getting up with DS and all the stuff in the week with DS. He baths DS and plays with him for a little while after work. Weekends tend to depend on what mood he is in, how tired he is and what commitments he has to his hobbies as to how much he does and then it is with DS (which is good) rather than general helpful stuff.

I can't remember the last time he cooked a meal, even at a weekend. He seems to find it hard even to put things in the diswasher at times!

I know people will say talk to him about it, but tbh, the number of discussions we have had about it over the years and nothing changes - he does not see he might not be as perfect as he thinks he is!

Anyone else want to join the rant!

Also - never, ever fall for the 'if it doesn't bother me then it is not my problem' line.

That is one of the lamest excuses for bad behaviour you will ever hear and it is a common one, it always turns out they do care when there are no clean underpants in the drawer or milk in the fridge.

You are not his mummy, he is a grown man with responsiblities, time he learnt this.

can i ask all the ladies (of which i am one) who feel they have lazy partners and end up doing it all...

do you find yourself repeating the role that your mother played when you were a child?

my mum worked full time and sometimes nights aswell and still did all the cooking and houswork, chilcare arranging, bill paying etc. now my dad did all the building work that ever needed done but most of the time it was work that he wanted to do to suit his own purposes so didn't benefit the family. he had several hobbies (quite expensive ones at that, horse riding and competeing and collecting classic cars and rebuilding them) whilst i never remeber my mum having anything that she could take herself away for the day to do. my mum was the main breadwinner and she paid all the bills from her salary whereas dad's money was his own to keep bar things like holidays and xmas presents etc.

stil to this day they argue about how much she does and how little (nothing) both my dad and still-living-at-home sister do. i really do see my mum's issue with it but i cant help feeling she lets them away with it.

the scary thing is i can see myself repeating the same pattern. almost exactly the same (apart from the financial thing, OH and i split every bill 50/50).

so i was just wondering if any of you think tehre might be somethinng in this theory. i also agree that the MIL's who do all for their sons help to create this situation too.

any thoughts?

apologies for atrocious spelling

pedrothellama -
"But ultimately it just wore me down, the constant noise of Skysports on a beautiful sunny day when there was so much we could have done together. "

".. he was so lazy he wouldn't even learn to drive so all the shopping and running around fell to me as well - My mantra throughout my marriage was "Please can you just help me out for a moment". He never did."

Your post sent shivers down my spine, this is exactly what I put up with too. If I ask, eventually he will help. It's been better the past 2 weeks but that is only because he realised in relate that I am close to leaving.

booyhoo - i have married a man just like my stepdad so I guess that says it all. Am gutted too as I thought I'd been careful to not pick someone like him so it must have been subconscious.
All i want now is to be on my own and bring up my dc's in a happy home with no tension and resentment. I feel it brimming up in me and I end up snapping at the dc's

I have no idea how to go about ending it tbh, so am probably going to suggest in relate that we have a trial separation as I need space and need to not be taking out my frustrations on the dc's.
Interestingly, he has never lived on his own so not only did his Mum do everything, he's never had to fend for himself either. He says his comfort zone is so small and that's why he doesn't know how to do things, or feel confident to do them.

I'm starting to get to the point where I no longer care what the problem is.

scarlotti...it really sounds like your relationship with this man has run its course

am very sorry x, but I think you are doing the right thing

he has killed your respect for him

Thanks AF.

i am hoping against hope that things have changed when OH is back again otherwise i will have to be as strong as you Scarlotti and end i. it probably does seem to others a really stupid thing to end a relationship over but it makes me so miserable and angry at the same time.

when we had our huge row last weekend i was in tears, sobbing that i felt physically exhauted of doing everything even when Oh is here. i told him i was bored to tears of doing it all over and over and over with no offer of help from him. his response,

"ffs you're only 23, you've got years of this ahead of you."

This thread is so sad. If only these rubbish OHs could genuinely take a step back and realise what they're doing by doing nothing.

It's been on my mind all day. In typical fashion I tried to write something funny about it to cheer myself up. Have a read, if you like: here

I don't mean to trivialise.

bloody hell, boo

that says it all, doesn't it ?

As the OP of this thread it has been really interesting to read back through. I am sorry some of you are having a really shit time of it. Hope things work out in a way that seems best for you.

I think it is right that you can't change your DH/DP and to an extent you have to learn to accept some of it and it has been good for me to have people tell me this!

But I do think it is important that your OHs need to both know and to understand that it does matter to you (even if not to them) and therefore as it is important to you, they should make some effort to compromise.

Therefore I should talk to him rather sulk!

good luck, OP x

I am loving the way you have come back to your thread all cool, calm and collected whilst some of us have been literally frothing at the mouth on here today

AF that was when i told him to go. i didn't need him to go for good, but just at that moment in time i felt i might have physically hurt him if we had stayed in the same house.

as i said, he came back and we had a really frank discussion and i am hoping he has let it sink in rather than nod and smile and carry on as normal. if that is the case then there really is no point slogging on.

I wish you the best, boo

thanks AF, i am hoping for the best but expecting nothing tbh.

rasputin that is such a good article. Going to save that one. I cannot believe how relevant it still is forty years later. Has nothing changed at all?

I'm very interested that some people are saying that the lazy husbands are a result of their own mothers setting them a bad example or failing to teach them house skills.

Not the fathers, then? It's all still the woman's responsibility, not just to run the house but to teach the children about role models for life?

very good point, tortoise

I think the most mature and genuinely even-handed men were brought up themselves in households where mum wasn't seen as the domestic drdge, but as an eqaul person in her own right

I am organising our house move here. DP has had to fill in and send a reference form online. They are querying a point which requires a phone call to sort out. He has emailed me to say that he can't make a phone call as he is finishing a rush job and it would 'put him off'
I wonder how on earth he would cope on his own.
My personal thoery atm is that DP has inherited a passive gene from his mother. Everything is 'later', 'what, now?' and 'yes, yes I will'. Meanwhile someone else actually does the stuff. This also has the effect of leaving them with someone to blame if anything goes wrong.
Gah!
Rant over. Until the next time........

drudge

not you, flyme, I was correcting a speling mistake

good for you, dogfish

of course..it can work the other way when reasonable people decide to model their own way of doing things instead of repeating a selfish and destructive one

some people are just not reasonable though, are they

and some people, when given an inch, will take a fecking mile

Well done Dogfish - yep my ex dh had a mother who did EVERYTHING for him and he never really left home, she still continued to wash, cook, clean and iron until he met me.

I then moved straight into her shoes.

My DP is the polar opposite - his mum is gentle but without being weak, loves her kids, runs a very sucessful business and did not differentiate between her sons and daughters.

They got off their arses and had to help her and their Dad out - each one had jobs to do (as I did at home).

It makes them a far better life partner in the long run - I cannot believe how happy I am now at home - the guy is wonderful.

I wish more blokes could look and see the misery they cause by their selfish actions - I have seen far, far too many women in tears over this topic.

Scratch a woman find a rage!

Booyhoo, in answer to your question, YES! My Mum did everything around the house, my Dad did work very hard at his job, but expected to come always to his dinner, a tidy house and bathed/put to bed children. I can never remember my Dad helping with us at all, although he did take me to things at weekends. It was a very traditional set-up and my Mum has always been very keen on doing your duty and what you 'should' do.

No wonder I spent 16 years with ex-h who beat me up for the last 7 and am now with a man who doesn't help!

I've felt relieved that I'm not the only one reading this thread.

Why can't men pick up yoghurt lids/wrappers and put them in the bin? Similarly, with the dishwasher, he won't put his dirty plates in there but will leave them on top instead. If he is hot or tired, he will remove the clothes he's wearing and just leave them there! It's laughable when I'm removed from the situation but at the time, my blood boils. He tells me that it will be done 'later' but I'm very aware of how quickly little bits add up and it soon becomes insurmountable. Already, we have 3 dustbin liners full of papers in our sitting room and a hallway full of more boxes with papers that we argue over sorting. Shouting and ranting doesn't have an effect, he just screams that he doesn't have the energy and is too busy earning for 'us'. I really don't like being the shouting, angry one and worse still, I haven't learnt the art of doing it without scrunching up my face into the face of The Grinch - the facial decrepitude of it all is almost the worst defeat - that he has the power to set my face into a jaw jutting, eye bulging contortions.

Can anyone recommend a 'carrot' (vs the stick) method that has unexpectedly worked for them? Is there a witty/sexy way of cajoling them into it whilst remaining composed? Inevitably, I get the 'insane' insult if I become angry.

It has got to the point where I think a cleaner is the only way, even if it means sacrifice elsewhere.

It makes me frustrated to think of how much more we (women in general) could achieve, love and enjoy if it were not for the time consumed in resenting and doing the work of unhelpful partners.

You are right Kateybigglesworth

It is hard to get all fired up with passion for a DH who has spent the day slumped on a sofa while you clear up around him and he murmurs

"I'll do that later" if asked to help in the tinest way.

I could find no 'carrot' I'm afraid I just despaired and started to hate him. There was no way he was ever going to be any different

Dear God - did I really put up with that for years!!!