My husband is a lazy arse!..Anyone else?

[jigglebum]

I am getting really quite fed up with quite how little DH does, outside of work and entertaining himself (ie his hobbies). He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!) but it is more noticeable and annoying now we have DS (22 months)

He argues that he does not care if the house is tidy/clean/beds made etc so if it bothers me then I should do it.

He works full time, I work very part time so I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, getting up with DS and all the stuff in the week with DS. He baths DS and plays with him for a little while after work. Weekends tend to depend on what mood he is in, how tired he is and what commitments he has to his hobbies as to how much he does and then it is with DS (which is good) rather than general helpful stuff.

I can't remember the last time he cooked a meal, even at a weekend. He seems to find it hard even to put things in the diswasher at times!

I know people will say talk to him about it, but tbh, the number of discussions we have had about it over the years and nothing changes - he does not see he might not be as perfect as he thinks he is!

Anyone else want to join the rant!

You don't change it. That's who the person is. You either deal with it or leave.

You're in a cycle because that who your DP is.

He doesn't care about the housework enough to do it or change, and you always do it for him.

It's not 'sweet' to be disrespectful of your partner or spouse.

If he were living on his own, he'd have to clean up his own mess or live in a dump and take the consequences of that.

You're not with a partner, you're with another child.

Is it not possible to 'deal with it' in a way which can modify the outlook of the other person?
Has anyone managed to alter their previously 'lazy arse' partner's behaviour?

Problem is that I'm a perfectionist and even if DH tried to help, I would have to sort it out myself.
He is lazy in that he will just leave dirty dishes near the dishwasher but won't put them in it.
He will leave recycling on top of bin, but not in it.
He sits and watches me doing the housework and moans if I push the hoover on.
BUT....I make sure he has the children every Saturday whilst I go off and make time for myself

Yes that is a way I have of coping, going off on my own at the weekend. But I come home to chaos.

It's just not on to return to chaos! How on earth can you bear it?

Fly you have my sympathy, I think I understand where you are coming from.

I have / had a DP who I feel did not do his share around the house, cooking, looking after DS etc.. I tackled him about this on several occasions and he felt pretty indignant that he was doing his best and helping out and that I simply did not appreciate his efforts. It all came to a head and I bravely demanded that things should change or else I could not carry on.

I stopped doing his washing, ironing or cooking. He claimed that made him feel I didn't care about him, and made things worse.

DP/EXDP reacted badly to me saying our relationship could not carry on, we had emotional scenes and unproductive rows, I didn't back down and he left saying I didn't appreciate him. He is staying with friends.

I have to be honest and say I am devastated. I realise AnyFucker, Secrets and Expat make valid and wise comments about 'throwing out' such no good DHs/DPs but its not easy and I miss him terribly and have many regrets (please AF, Secrets and Expat- don't flame me I am just being honest).

I stuck up for myself and what I wanted but it backfired in my face. I wish I could feel I did the right thing but I honestly don't. Please don't flame me guys I am really struggling ATM and need to hold it together for DS.

Wheresmypaddle - I'm impressed you managed to hold your ground - fingers crossed you manage to work things out. Are you seeing a counsellor or anything?

I want what Flymetodunoon wants - a way to resolve things without our marriage breaking down. If it was just me, I'd walk, no doubt about it. But it isn't just me - so surely there has to be a middle way?

Not flaming, where, but if it makes you happy to do that, and/or you feel you'd rather do that than split, well, fair play then.

When it's making a person miserable, however, he/she needs to think about why they feel it's okay to be treated like that.

Wheresmypaddle you need the sympathy.
I hope you begin to feel better soon. Perhaps you will find it liberating eventually.
This is my fear, that it is not worth losing the relationship over but how to find a way to change things.
FWIW I think your DP should have been bigger than this and admitted his weaknesses. Maybe he will realise how much he is losing and try.
Now I have to go and do more packing. I mentioned to DP that I would be leaving his stuff [hobbies here too!] for him to pack and he just gazed blankly at me.

wheresmypaddle - am sorry you are so sad at what's happened. You have put your needs first and it hurts to know that your dp/exdp can't step up to the mark and be the partner you hoped for. I hope for your sake he does.
Try and be strong - you are sending a very good message to your DS about how adults should behave in a relationship.

As expat says, it's all about what you want to 'put up' with.

Personally I want a team player and am no longer willing to settle for less. I deserve more than another teenager to look after.

Unrequited, yes I had first session last week. It was helpful but I am in such a muddle about what I want- I had thought if DP wouldn't step-up to the bar we would be better off without him. Now I am not sure and think I wish he would come home. Counsellor suggested I need to let myself feel more angry about things (rather than hold it all in)- that might help me feel more clear about what I want / deserve.

Expat, yes you are right I am weak to let myself consider continuing a relationship with imbalances. I am the first to admit that its not ideal- but I am not perfect either, I love DP very much and my weakness makes me want to be with him despite these issues. If you have a magic wand to remove this weakness please wave it now!!

Good luck Fly I hope you can resolve things. I understand your dilemma, I really do and wish I had a solution for you!! I would say, don't make any ultimatums unless you are sure you mean them- if you back down you will show DH that you don't mean what you say, if you stick to them but are not sure you are doing the right thing you could be left very unhappy!!

'Expat, yes you are right I am weak to let myself consider continuing a relationship with imbalances.'

NO ONE has said you're weak.

Just that, if it makes you happier to stay in the relationship than not in it, then you do the housework, because he won't and sees no reason to change.

If it makes you miserable, however, that's when you have to weigh up what's best for you.

Wheresmypaddle I don't think it back fired, I think that your DP chose to leave rather than treat you as an equal within your relationship. His need to keep you in your roles was just more important at the end of it all, he has left the family home rather than pull his weight. It is sad but there are some men in whom this is so deeply ingrained that they can see no other way, unless you are subordinating yourself to him then there can be no relationship. Because That Is Just How It Is.

However I honestly feel that if you are that unhappy then you have to do what is right for YOU. If you would prefer to be with him and have that kind of relationship then that has to be your choice. No flaming here , no judgement either, I put up with hell from my ex for years.

WMP...why on earth would you be flamed ?

So you stood your ground and he called your bluff. He gave you the answer he had been unwilling to give you before (or that you were too blind to see...)

He doesn't care about or respect your feelings.

You were unhappy before...you think you are more unhappy now.

Personally, I could not live with a man like that, so I feel you are better off now. If you back down, you will forever be on the back foot, treated like a domestic slave somewhere just under the status of a dishwasher.

Is being without him any worse than that ?

Hi - sounds like my DH is one of many! Makes me want to ensure that DS grows up realising that household tasks should be shared and to be less selfish. I can't help blaming my MIL in the way she brought DH up.

It is easy to say leave if you don't like it, but much harder to do. I do love DH and he is a great dad generally and I do fundamentally believe in the concept of marriage is for life and you need to make it work. I saw my own parents go through a bad patch when I was growing up but they stuck at it and are very happy again now. It is how we change the status quo that is the issue.

At the weekend I had a bit of a strop. He finally picked up on it and took DS off my hands for 4/5 hours Sat pm and also cooked dinner!

As someone else said it is also because I am a perfectionist and like jobs done well and also immediately, whereas he is more relaxed about it.

I agree with those that say he won't change - I do need to accept it overall but ensure he is also aware of how I feel.

Good luck to everyone else who has similar issues.

Fly A tactic I used with (admittedly now an ex) boyfriend who behaved like that was to take the dirty dishes and either stalk upstairs, remove the duvet from sleeping partner, drop dirty dishes on partner and say "I think you forgot about these".

Another tactic I used was to place the dirty dishes in the middle of something that was important to him. The underwear drawer was a particular favourite.

The point is, he can easily ignore your complaints and brush them off as "nagging". However, if you make it uncomfortable for him to continue to behave in the way he does then you may at least break the cycle of nag, ignore, nag.

Jiggle glad you had a breakthrough at the weekend. Long may it continue!!

Steel Its not up to me though, because he now is so 'distraught' about what has happened that he cannot (will not) talk to me about it, and doesn't think we can sort things out because he can't make me happy. I want us to have a fair and balanced chat so see if we can find common ground on this issue. He can't see a way through given that in his eyes he was already trying and it wasn't enough (believe me he really wasn't doing enough financially or practically).

AF I think I probably deserve a flaming for admitting that I regret demanding more and in my heart of hearts would have preferred to continue the relationship and wish he would come back. I guess I am very weak, not something I thought of myself as, but I must be.

I can't accept that he doesn't care about me at all- absurd- as you could stay him leaving is clear proof. Maybe if he tatooed it across both our foreheads??!!

WMP...is there an OW ?

'he now is so 'distraught' about what has happened that he cannot (will not) talk to me about it, and doesn't think we can sort things out because he can't make me happy. I want us to have a fair and balanced chat so see if we can find common ground on this issue. He can't see a way through given that in his eyes he was already trying and it wasn't enough (believe me he really wasn't doing enough financially or practically).'

He won't have a fair and balanced chat because he doesn't see fairness and balance.

All he sees is his way - you doing everything, him not doing his fair share) is the right way and therefore the only way.

He can't make you happy. YOU make YOU happy.

And obviously, playing skivvy wasn't making you happy for a very, very long time because it takes an immense amount of strength to leave a person like this 'partner' of yours or you wouldn't have done it. It wasn't working for you.

You don't deserve a flaming, you deserve a pat on the back!

You also deserve someone who pulls their weight financially AND practically.

Because that honestly isn't a lot to ask.

Mine's similar.
We had a holiday recently with friends who set a reasonably good example (i.e., achievable behaviour - not too scary for him).
As I work and do the nurery pick ups, I do tea time and then bath time and then bed time, and I don't cook.
I've never said anything, it just doesn't happen - I make sure I'm far too busy changing beds, putting away washing etc at that time.
One day, he'd got so hungry I went downstairs and he was making pasta.
I'ts gone on from there really, we now watch cooking progs on TV and he tries out recipes.
Yeah, he's pretty rubbish at most other things unless I Talk To Him About It - ie 'I'm taking our little one to a party on Saturday, you can come or do X / Y, what would you like to do?' - X or Y is NOT to do with iphones or computer games but I have to say things are a little better and I feel a lot less alone.

IMO it's combination of tiredness and a natural ability to put himslef first in all situations bar none, even if baby screaming for food and he needs a wee in the night FFS.

Rebel! - give up cooking and have a secret stash somewhere in case he doesn't get the message on day one!!

Thank you Expat for the pat on the back!! I really really wish I could read your post and agree with you. You are a very confident woman. Not saying you are wrong, just that I don't feel I have done the right thing. I need a brain transplant.

AF I don't think there is an OW. However, I realise that that is a possibility- and how nice for him if someone else could fall for his good looks and charm. I have asked him outright and he said no way- he is far too messed up about this for to be interested in anyone else. Am keeping an open mind though.

If there was another woman maybe that would help me get some 'closure'- then again maybe I would continue to be pathetic and want him back.

Jiggle sorry I have hijacked your thread somewhat sorry. I can't tell you how much it helps to get some support on mumsnet though.

In nearly the same situation as the op.

I told my dp this weekend that I could not live with him any longer because of this (and a couple of other issues) and that the best course of action would be for him to find his own place.

I have come in from work this morning (nightshift) and dishwasher emptied, floors swept, place in a pretty tidy way.

I will see how long it will last, still think it may be too little too late though even if it keeps up.

The issue of housework has been trivialised for years, he also said he didn't care if it was done or not and if I did then I should do it.

I'm just not going to live like that any longer, don't let him trivialise it, it suits him too as he gets to lie on his lazy arse while you are treated like a skivvy.

'I told my dp this weekend that I could not live with him any longer because of this (and a couple of other issues) and that the best course of action would be for him to find his own place.'

So many times, this is far from the only issue.

It usually gets drip fed out that the chap also doesn't work FT or pull his weight financially, pisses money up a wall with his mates frequently, etc.

It seems indicative of an immature, selfish person in general.

He does work full time expat, but I don't get to sit on my lazy arse come 5pm and do nothing for the rest of the day or all weekend.

Selfish, yes, it suits them to trivialise housework, because if they didn't they would have to bloody do some and give us the respect we deserve.