My husband is a lazy arse!..Anyone else?

[jigglebum]

I am getting really quite fed up with quite how little DH does, outside of work and entertaining himself (ie his hobbies). He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!) but it is more noticeable and annoying now we have DS (22 months)

He argues that he does not care if the house is tidy/clean/beds made etc so if it bothers me then I should do it.

He works full time, I work very part time so I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, getting up with DS and all the stuff in the week with DS. He baths DS and plays with him for a little while after work. Weekends tend to depend on what mood he is in, how tired he is and what commitments he has to his hobbies as to how much he does and then it is with DS (which is good) rather than general helpful stuff.

I can't remember the last time he cooked a meal, even at a weekend. He seems to find it hard even to put things in the diswasher at times!

I know people will say talk to him about it, but tbh, the number of discussions we have had about it over the years and nothing changes - he does not see he might not be as perfect as he thinks he is!

Anyone else want to join the rant!

this has been the one sticking point in our relationship and regardless of how many discussions we have had on it, OH just reverts to type every time.

we had a huge row last weekend and i told him i wont carry on like this anymore. he left. but after a while he came back and we talked really openly about how we both feel and agreed on certain things. he isn't home again until the middle of june but it will be truth time because if nothing has changed then, it's over and he knows this.

Hi 'paddle - posted on here last night and was interested to see it's still going.
I think some regular mumsnetters should take heed of the fact that others think they are going to get 'flamed' by them. Remember that thing about the mumsnet 'bullies'...hmmm
Anyway 'paddle I feel for you and I hope you can find a way through. I am very interested in your situation as I am yet another woman putting up with a lazy selfish man. For a long time I was sure I would leave him, just waited for the moment, and while waiting I found that actually, as bad as it can be, I don't want him to go. I don't want dc's to live in a home without a dad around, I don't want to be a single parent trying to cope on benefits/csa. I'm not sure I agree with this idea that dc's will inevitably follow his example - DS has already been asking me to show him how to hoover/wash-up/feed the pets etc. Even tho dp really is a complete arse at times he is also a funny affectionate father who sets an example of the importance of creativity and imagination. Thats a lot more than my father ever gave me and it's got to be worth something.

thricnay thank you for understanding. I now have tears running down my face wishing I had thought a bit more like you before stamping my foot and insisting DP changed.

I miss him terribly and I can't see him agreeing to try again- he says he loves me, misses me and is very unhappy but he doesn't want to come home just for all this to happen again.

Thanks again, I do believe sometimes if you are a very strong person who is lucky to have a very good relationship its easy to misunderstand how hard it is for others to end their imperfect but still worthwhile one.

Oh 'paddle - now you've got me in tears too! If he really means what he says then he must be open to trying again surely? If you both accept that it will be imperfect but that you need each other then perhaps that could just be the basis of a stronger relationship where he knows that you are serious when you say you are and you know what life is like without him so you can truly decide what you want. x

thrice...that is quite bad form to take something another poster has said and turn it into a "dig"

perhaps you need to read more of my (and others mentioned) posts to see there is no way in hell she would get flamed for that

But she thought that she would AF and that is what's significant.

thrice...let's not hijack this thread, eh

Significant ? To who ?

As you will see, WMP's fears were unfounded, so why do you need to pick up on them just to have a pop at other posters ?

she is a grwon woman...she doesn't need you to look out for her, especially when it is un-necessary

snide remarks could be construed as "bullying" you know

Oh no lets stop. It seems a shame for posters who were just trying to help (that's everyone on this thread including the people I asked not to flame me).

Yes, I was worried about getting flamed because 1. I am a bit delicate ATM and am finding much support from MN- a real good flaming might be a bit much right now. 2. I feel deep down that AF etc may have a valid point, I understand why they percieve people like me as weak and I really value their advice.

However, I think in my situation I may have been too hasty and I regret what I have done, despite more forthright posters being able to assure me it was for the best.

I appreciate your understanding Thirty and, in hindsight, wish I had taken your approach. Whether that is right is far beyond me to decide- its just the truth.

Sorry I meant Thrice not thirty- had got number three on my mind and got confused. Deep breaths, brain into gear and onwards!!

WMP, love, you keep saying "I will be flamed", "I am weak", "people will perceive me as ..."

Stop it.

Nobody thinks like that.

People give advice about how they would act in their own situation.

you would have to have some sort of God-complex, as a poster, to expect everyone to do it your own way

What I think you meant by "flaming" is not an attack....but just more of that unwelcome truth (that you know deep down is right...)

It is perfectly Ok to just ask for people to be kind...and they will, especially if they know your history and the fact that you are feeling fragile

Digs like thrice made just seems to reinforce that MN has a small contingent of bullies who trawl round the threads waiting to jump on people...how ridiculous

and using somebody else's discomfort to score points...that is plain nasty, tbh

I have had a quick read through the posts and would just like to add my husband to the list of lazy arses.

Well, he works full time so is not a lazy arse when it comes to his work life. However, I get no help at home with 4 children, housework, dinner etc.... He thinks its an easy job and he shouldn't have to do anything at home because he works full time!

Also, he would never take the day off work for the children or if I asked him to for something but can take the day off to go out with his mates, golf etc....

Rant over.

P.S; Its my birthday next week and he has taken the day off work to go to the golf for the day, enough said!!

That's why soooo many of us have said, over and over on such threads, that there is no changing a lazy selfish immature adult who truly feels that the grunt work of life is a woman's lot.

If you think that the rest of your relationship is worthwhile or worth staying, then you will have to accept either doing the work or hiring it out, because the other person will not change.

They've shown you who they are.

You either take it, for whatever reason, or leave it.

As for thrice, well, AnyFucker pretty much summed it up.

All this 'bullying' stuff means that it's time to take some time off from online life.

AF has posted on my threads before and she speaks what I know deep down to be true - it is that which is uncomfortable and what OP has termed being flamed.
She knows that her DP is not doing his bit but is still stuck in the position where she wants to be with him.

OP - I sympathise with your situation, I really do. I have been where you are (although not thrown him out) for years. All I can say is that the laziness has eroded any feelings I have down to the point of wanting him to go. DD is about to sit gcse's though so I must wait. DS' are 4 and

are you ok, WMP ?

scarlotti speaks much sense, and with hindsight, unfortunately, too

see anyfucker has already sorted this one! I would like to pipe up on behalf of the man who's mother did everything for him. My DH has one of those but he's actually fairly good around the house and with the children and since the twins were born he's getting better and better - it is me who is the more slatternly one now I suspect! He had lived on his own for over 10 years when I married him though!

Agree with the consensus though, doubt he'll change unless you really work hard on making him. If you always do everything for him he never will.

I must be in the majority whos husbands do not annoy them. Or is that just me?!

Apart from one thing this morning, Lately the kitchen floor has VERY slippery bits on it, didnt know what it was. Came into the kitchen this morning to put the kettle on, walked up to the sink and 'BANG' on the floor i go.

Found out its furniture polish, that DH has been using to polish his shoes.

Wow i was lucky that i had hold of the cupbaord side otherwise i would have cracked my mouth/chin on the side of the sink!

Thanks for your insight scarlotti it is very helpful and I am comforted to hear that you can understand how difficult it is to 'let go'. I wish I had reached the stage you are at with DP I think it would make things easier.

AF I am fine thank you. Am feeling very awkward that this has gone off at a tangent.

As I have said I really am muddled ATM and don't know what's right or wrong in terms of my relationship (or lack of). I have appreciated everyone's advice and am touched that you (and others) have spent time advising me.

My comments asking not to get a flaming are related to the fact that I guess it must be difficult for posters such as yourselves, with clear views on the subject, not to get frustrated with people like me- and yes maybe there is an element of not wanting to hear my fears confirmed that I 'have' to end things.

Sorry this has taken such a turn. Your views are certainally forthright and direct, but I suspect you are mostly right. I don't think I would have tackled things with DP if it were not for the views of some of the posters on MN who pointed out that I should do so- however, it is up to me who I listen to and what I do- noone made me do anything.

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, as I said I am a bit confused ATM but am doing my best to sort things out.

paddle - all any of us can do is tell you what we think, given the limited information you've shared, and most importantly based on our own views and experience.
My situation is further on than yours I suspect. We are currently in relate but this isn't the first time we've been. I know for a fact that if I just sucked it up and put up with things, life would carry on as normal and he would be happy. I however would not, and it is this that is my driving force at the moment.

Like you though, I am still confused and sad that things have got to this point. Unlike you, we are still together (just) so I am still living at the point where the resentment and frustration of doing everything is utmost.

Maybe try to make a list of what it is you miss, and see where that leads you. It might be quite enlightening and you may find that the things you miss can be sourced elsewhere, which might help ease the way you are feeling and help some of the fog lift.

I am another one in this situation. We have had so many discussions about it, but it gets nowhere. Dp won't regularly do anything unless I ask him. So everyday I have to ask him to do things. I hate having to ask every day. WTF can't he just do it??

maxi...because consciously, or unconsciously he gets something out of making you repeatedly ask him to do what he should be doing anyway

it is a subtle form of mental abuse

My ex was like yours with a whole raft of even worse points.

In the end I gave up - ironed clothes were thrown on the floor and trodden on - I stopped doing it and within three weeks we had an ironing service hired.

But ultimately it just wore me down, the constant noise of Skysports on a beautiful sunny day when there was so much we could have done together. Whether that was chores or having fun it didn't matter - I couldn't stand seeing that boring, depressing waste of space for one more f*cking minute.

We both worked full time and my hours were frequently longer and he was so lazy he wouldn't even learn to drive so all the shopping and running around fell to me as well - My mantra throughout my marriage was "Please can you just help me out for a moment". He never did.

This is the way it is kid - put up or shut up, he won't suddenly become Anthea Turner

I lived for 9 years with a man who had to be asked/told repeatedly to do anything, and then I would be accused of nagging, cue huge argument. I finally ended the relationship as all love I once had for him had been eroded (no DCs, fortunately). I'm now in a relationship with a 'normal' man or so I'm told, he's very messy (WHY are men so messy!) but if I ask him to pick up his shoes etc he will just do it, not argue or say he'll do it later and then 'forget' etc.

Since leaving I've realised that it was a subtle form of emotional abuse and control, and there were many other ways he controlled me.

No-one really enjoys housework but it does need to be done, and unless you can afford a cleaner then both partners need to take responsibility. Not blather on about different standards (I had that too).

I'd wish I'd left the other relationship earlier, only then I might not have met my lovely DP in the way I did.