My husband is a lazy arse!..Anyone else?

[jigglebum]

I am getting really quite fed up with quite how little DH does, outside of work and entertaining himself (ie his hobbies). He has never been great (he has a mother who did everything for him, never expected help and never seemed to complain about it!) but it is more noticeable and annoying now we have DS (22 months)

He argues that he does not care if the house is tidy/clean/beds made etc so if it bothers me then I should do it.

He works full time, I work very part time so I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, getting up with DS and all the stuff in the week with DS. He baths DS and plays with him for a little while after work. Weekends tend to depend on what mood he is in, how tired he is and what commitments he has to his hobbies as to how much he does and then it is with DS (which is good) rather than general helpful stuff.

I can't remember the last time he cooked a meal, even at a weekend. He seems to find it hard even to put things in the diswasher at times!

I know people will say talk to him about it, but tbh, the number of discussions we have had about it over the years and nothing changes - he does not see he might not be as perfect as he thinks he is!

Anyone else want to join the rant!

kitty...at the risk of sounding facetious I think that "pick your own fucking rubbish up, what am I, your mother ?" should usually suffice

or dump it in his office/favourite armchair/his side of the bed/driver's side of his car....there are lots of alternatives

sexy ? I do that whan I want sex

cajoling ? I do that with a 3 year old...

there is nothing sexy about being a lazy man's domestic drudge

you shouldn't have to cajole a grown man into picking up after himself...

sorry

One thing I did do was pick up dirty clothes and just put them back in the drawer (pants and socks) included.

I also packed away crockery and cups etc. I worked out the more we had the more he used. When we had two plates, two cups, two bowls etc he had no choice but to wash up if he wanted to eat.

It took him a surprisingly long time to notice his skanky clothes though and this was a guy who thought he was George Clooney.

Christ I sound just like that mad old bat Liz Jones who writes for the Daily Mail bleating on about ex DH - I will no longer waste any time thinking about him -it is just threads like this that make me realise he is still out there and probably pissing off someone else.

Thank god it's not me

pedro...that is a good philosophy to have

let some other poor woman put up with the arse

he ain't your problem

Thanks AF

I just sometimes feel like shaking my mates with DS's who treat them differently from their DD's.

A 14 y/o DS can work a washing machine just as well as a 14 y/o DD, cook, sew on a button, take out the rubbish and show some bloody respect to the current woman in his life and make life easier for all the future women he will meet.

It isn't just in the home - I work with 20 odd blokes - there are several that have no concept of washing a cup, keeping a space tidy or even basic manners about a shared space. It winds the other guys up as well that they end up cleaning up the crap.

Strangely, the three worst offenders are divorcees.

AF, I understand that those methods work for you. He is good is other ways and does iron his own shirts and cooks a fair bit and is working very hard so it doesn't warrant getting extremely angry about. I know that getting angry for some is really cathartic but I would rather just take action and stay calm, if possible. Every time I get really angry, I feel extremely tired (must have weak adrenals!), for some reason, it takes so much out of me that I feel like I want to sleep forever to compensate for the energy lost. I can't afford to lose my rag/energy as I have so much to do and it will just escalate to a war of who is doing the most.
I've avoided asking for a cleaner's help, as I suppose I'm embarrassed for them to see it all but it has got to the point where I just want it done.

I have a feeling that once he realises that the mess isn't going to prevent me from inviting people to our home and it reflects on both of us, he might improve, particularly if he has to see the person cleaning his mess.

'It makes me frustrated to think of how much more we (women in general) could achieve, love and enjoy if it were not for the time consumed in resenting and doing the work of unhelpful partners.'

Only those who put up with lazy, selfish arses.

Believe it or not, many people do their fair share. It's not 'helping', it's doing your fair share.

My children put their rubbish in the bin, excepting the 18-month-old.

Why on Earth would I tolerate a grown man who didn't?

Are there seriously that many women out there who feel they are worth so little courtesy and respect?

How sad!

'I've avoided asking for a cleaner's help, '

You don't ask a cleaner to help, you pay him or her to do a job.

If you stop looking at it as help and more as what it is: doing one's fair share in life, it becomes less palatable to pick up a grown person's underwear off the floor.

Of course, I'll be paying for their service/help. Just a term but I know what you're saying, expat.

Better get on with getting that cleaner and taking action.

pedro, putting any dirty clothing back in the wardrobe is a good one.
Reducing the crockery, excellent. The more there is, the more has to be washed. The d/washer is loaded/unloaded 3 times a day precisely because of too much of it.

Kitty

Also works if you halve the amount of socks, pants, shirts etc.

I also avoided 'flat' surfaces like coffee tables, these become dumping grounds.

I also can see that this thread is split into two types, the ones that were angry for that minute or that morning or that day. The others are angry full stop and unless they utilise that anger into productive thinking and actions they will forever be banging their heads against a brick wall.

I for one have never once regretted paying for 'help'. Whether that is a cleaner an ironing lady or getting the car valeted. I have on the other hand regretted spending money on clothes that didn't suit, dvd's I never watched, books I never read etc.

Go through your budget and work out what to ditch to gain a cleaner - or hire a professional de-clutterer to sit down with both of you and go through the bags.

Failing that get on Amazon and order some de cluttering manuals - they have some amazing non obvious tips

Well, we have just returned from our relate session and we may well have just had a breakthrough. DH has had a eureka moment and realised that if he carries on the way he has been, he will lose me and the dc's.

I am cautiously hopeful, only time will tell if things will change. I have put a time limit on things in my head (2 months as that's our next session and the end of dd's exams) and if the promises made have not come to fruition I will go it alone.

I didn't dangle any carrot, sulk, or moan (this time around) but my body language and attitude has been quite distant and has conveyed just how serious I am about this. I think it was the lack of emotion and any warmth that finally made the message sink in.

I am pleased to hear that scarlotti (if you are pleased) x

AF - thanks. I will be pleased if this actually is the turning point it has the potential to be. If it is another pile of tripe designed to keep me sweet, then I shall become a woman scorned and have the fury to match

This is a very interesting thread. I have lived with a lazy arse for 20 years. Things finally reached a head about two years ago whe I realised I had to leave. Financial situation meant I have had to wait until now (house would not have sold before). I am now almost at the point where I can tell him to leave. He has no redeeming features - he spends no time with our DS, does not want to spend time with me, makes no effort to put either me or DS first and is completely lazy (the comment about listening to Skysports on a sunny day resonated with me). On top of this he is deceitful about money and we have 'had' to pay off debts of over #20K that he has incurred. We have been to Relate twice - their advice to me was that I could not expect him to do jobs round the house in 'my time' - he had to do it in his own. Oh really? Let's just wait two weeks for the bins to be emptied or dinner to be made then. I am just sorting out a permanent f/t post at work before I can tell him to sling his hook. I cannot beileve I have put up with him and his selfish behavour for so long. Subconsciously I think I always felt guilty for making a big deal of it, and he always says I just want a robot. No, actually a grownup who can take responsibility will do just fine. We have not had sex for over 2 years, as I do not want hime near me - to be fair he hasn't tried really so he obviously doesn't want me either.

I cannot wait to end this relationship, despite it breaking our family up. Sadly, I think DS won't actually notice he's not around as much. i am sorry for those of you where your OH has left and you are unhappy, and maybe you will decide you are happy to compromise. I can understand that, especially if there are other things they are good at (like being a father). Sadly thats not the case for me.

why don't men realise that it's the little things like not expecting you pick up the skanky scants off the floor all the time that matter. Enjoying spending time with you and the kids at the weekend rather than wandering about with a bored look on their face. Flowers, expensive gifts etc mean fuck all to me if I get treated like a doormat and it would get him more blow jobs than a fancy necklace. Seeing a guy really enjoying his kids is pretty sexy in my book.

Good luck with that Scarlotti.
I am one of those who is angry for the moment[well, afternoon] but my DP does have many good points to compensate.
I remebered yesterday something that helps me to realise when I being used. When I find the cup, glass, bottle, empty packet left lying around, dishes beside the dishwasher etc ad infinitum, The conversation in my head and sometimes out loud, goes:
'who did you think was going to do this for you? Oh yes its the maid isn't it'
The 'maid' being me of course.
Cue the blank look from DP.
At some point when DP is not working and too tired or busy playing football on the computer I am going to have the chat with him. Is it a bad idea to sit him and the DDs down together for the chat or will this make him into a child too?

Good luck Scarlotti

Flyme

I found sarcastic jibes didn't work (nothing worked) - but I think sitting down with DP and the DD's is an excellent idea - start reinforcing that you are to be treated with respect and when they are older it is how they should be treated by DP and DH's. Could you do this over dinner when they can't be distracted?

The other thing I noticed with ex-dh was that is wasn't just laziness it was a genuine incomprehension that things needed doing. If something has always been done for you it is taken for granted it always will be. Fill that gap in their knowledge by presenting DP with the bin to be taken out, or the dishes on a tray to be put into the dishwasher. Then walk away - he has a choice - put the rubbish out and put the dishes in the dishwasher or put the rubbish/tray down and not do it. At least you will know which decision he made.

You didn't nag, you didn't ask, you simply presented him with a simple dilemma and how he responds speaks volumes.

I can only repeat what worked with limited success with me - cut down on the amount of stuff you need to clean. If you are a family of four have a table setting of four in the cupboard, four plates, four cups, four glasses etc.

Keep the rest accessable for when you have guests but not so easy to reach that things creep back in.

Wry smile at the computer games, yep ex dh once spent four HOURS every night playing a football manager game for nearly two weeks. The PC was in the sitting room and all I could hear was the clicking of a mouse hour after hour.

I eventually cracked in an hysterical fit, I really could not stop crying - it was a psychological torture.

A grown man playing games on a PC is an absolute no way for me now - I don't care what he looks like or how rich. There are better ways to spend time.

The 'maid' thing mostly helps me to realise for myself.
And yes DP just doesn't comprehend most of the time that things need doing.
I am quite looking forward to my Chat now.

the playstation is sent from the devil.

i hate hate hate it and the fact that it has taken over OH's life.

i am to blame. i refused to let any games in the house and then i finally gave in at xmas and bought OH the PS3.

it got so bad that when he was home, he only got up to play it and now in the evenings once the boys are in bed (which he wont do) he goes straight onto it before i get back down the stairs. so i go and read a book and if i say anything he says "well you're reading, what am i supposed to do?" it makes me want to cry. he only sees us 4 days a month, yet when he gets time on his own with me he wants to sit on the computer. i have threatened to sell the PS3 and i think that shocked him a bit because he now asks if i mind him going on it. the things is, he shouldn't have to ask, surely as an adult he is able to work out whther it is appropriate to sit down and play it. but no, he has to leave it up to me and of course if i said no it's not ok, then i am the badguy and his sulking is justified

arggh. think i will sell it.

'why don't men realise that it's the little things like not expecting you pick up the skanky scants off the floor all the time that matter.'

Why on Earth are you picking up his pants off the floor?

I don't even do this for my 4-year-old.

I've been married for 6 years but been with him for 12 years.
7 years ago he started a business that is going really well, we used to do things like me the house work, and he did all the diy and outside.
Now he has become this hiflying managing director of this business and plays golf and goes to a social club EVERY weekend. I am so flipping fed up. I now to all the housework and he has told me that I have to do the outside as well, I refused, so now the garden looks a mess.
he used to cook not anymore, he wont go on holiday just the 2 of us, (kids are grown up - mine from first marriage)Keeps saying that we would have a better holiday with friends. So enough is enough. Im opening my own bankaccount in another bank not having a shared one with him anymore. And I am slowing planning my excape. The thing is that he has an accountant that mysteriously can make money dissapear in a puff, I work for my husband and have now taken copies of all important paperwork when it come to the time I go to a solicitor. Im not from this country and I'm gonna move back to my family where I am loved. And I'm gonna hit the fucker where it hurts him - his money. And having a great time knowing that he will have to wash his own skiddie underwear. I still young, beautifull and can do sooo much better on my own. The only regret is - that I didn't do much sooner.

The trouble with these techniques for making lazy men look after themselves is that it only works if they actually could give a pair of fingers whether there are dirty clothes on the floor or not. You know what XH did with filthy socks, if I didn't do the washing? He wore them. He wore pants until they were grey with grime (and multicoloured with worse), I kid you not. If he didn't have a clean shirt to go out in, he wore the least-unclean one. I tried leaving the washing up for a few days, which he actually encouraged me to do ("don't worry about that, you sit down, the boys and I will sort it") only to find mould growing on a plate of half-eaten food, amongst other crusted horrors. Not only did he not care whether the house was tidy, but if I threw a major wobbly and insisted on being allowed to tidy up part of the lounge, say, so that some of us could sit on the sofa instead of everyone piling onto my bed (as the only uncluttered surface other than a couple of computer chairs), he would very soon be hard at work sorting things out of the attic or something in order to fill that empty space. He wasn't lazy. He worked very hard at nurturing that mess, and no-one was going to take it away from him.

Ahh 'sorting things out of the attic in order to fill that empty space'.

The classic trick of a hoarder - I have a friend like this, you cannot move in her house for stuff, stuff and more stuff. You name it she keeps it.

The one thing she does regularly that I do not understand is makes a firm vow to 'get organised'

She then goes out and buys files, boxes, labels, under the bed storage vacuum bags and everything else Ikea and John Lewis sell for this purpose of 'getting organised'

She then stores it all with the other junk until she gets round to 'getting organised'.

I love her dearly but she is turning into mad old cat woman with a penchant for unused storage boxes.

There is a point to this post, stuff breeds stuff which needs picking up, cleaning, polishing, putting away, recharging, washing, ironing, reading, watching, folding etc etc etc.

Cutting down on 'the stuff' can be a large part of the problem eliminated.

mmm, storage boxes...

feels another trip to IKEA coming on