What Would You Do?

[YallaYalla]

Hi,

Looking for a bit of advice please. I am slowly working out that DH has some major issues with passive aggressive behaviour. We've just come back from a week-long holiday and he is no longer talking to me because of a row we had on the last day. He has gone into emotional shutdown and as usual I am paying the price.

In brief: I wanted to do something (buy a souvenir on our last night) which he didn't want to do; I could tell he wasn't keen and offered to leave him in the bar we were having sundowners in while I nipped up to the shop; he didn't take me up on this offer, and also did not say he didn't want to do it when I asked him in a friendly way about it.

So we leave bar and walk to shop buy souvenir, him seemingly in an ok mood. On leaving shop he gets into a major strop because he was very sweaty and hot from the walk (tropics) and within a space of about 5 minutes shuts down totally.

Doesn't want to do anything, goes mute, won't respond to queries of if he's ok, my offers to go and stand in areas where there is AC, queries about which bar he would like to go to next and where we should have dinner on our last night.

Eventually he says he's had enough and wants to go back to the hotel and do nothing/watch TV. It's 8pm, it's the last night of our holiday and we're both dolled up for a good night out.

I'm pretty pissed off, but use my usual tactics for snapping him out of these moods - cuddling him, ignoring his mood, teasing him gently, trying to take charge in a non-confrontational way. It worked for a bit, and then I got a bit exhausted by the whole effort and said, fine, let's go back to the hotel. We are waiting in a taxi queue and I say I'm just popping into this shop to use the loo.

He claims he thought I said 'see you back at the hotel'. I though I'd made it fairly clear I was just nipping to the loo but it's possible he didn't hear me as we were about 10 metres away from each other. Anyway, point is, I return from the loo and he's vanished.

He KNOWS I have no money in my pocket whatsoever (he always carries the cash on nights out on holiday) and no mobile phone which I've left in the hotel safe. So he's dumped me in the middle of a capital city in Asia. Admittedly, it's a safe city, it's not late, I know the way back to the hotel 20 minutes away, and we're in a really touristy area. But it's the principle of just being dumped like that without even money for a taxi. I'm furious. Walk back to hotel room.

Half an hour later he shows up. I am fuming. Not proud of what happens next but I use the security chain to stop him getting access to the hotel room. I tell him he's not coming in as he dumped me in a foreign city with no resources. He asks again to be let in. I say no and slam the door shut.

Eventually, at 2am, he tries the door again. This time I've softened and feel pretty bad for locking him out of the room (even though HE had his wallet and credit cards and finances mean he could easily booked himself another room in the same hotel for the night). I let him in, he walks in in silence and hasn't spoken to me since.

We flew home in silence and he sat separately to me from the plane. Now we are home and he's still in the silent treatment mode, sleeping on the sofa. Total emotional frigging shutdown.

Now. I KNOW I was unreasonable to prevent him access to the hotel room for a few hours. I haven't apologised yet either (he's stonewalling me and I don't see what value it would have at this time). But, as usual, it's me who looks the nutter.

He could not express feelings on us going to the shop. He 'punishes' me for taking us there by shutting down emotionally, and then abandoning me on the last night of our holiday in a foreign city with no bloody money in my pocket. I shut him out of the hotel room but in no way compromised his safety (for all I know he spent the intervening hours in the hotel lobby bar knocking back single malts). And, as usual, I am sitting here tearing my hair out, trying to find a way to get him to open up and being given the silent treatment.

I've spent some time on the internet this morning looking at PA behaviour. I'm sure he doesn't have the PA personality disorder as generally he is a very good, loving, honest man who holds down a very stressful and highly-paid job and - this issue aside - our marriage is strong and we have a good relationship. But I just can't BEAR this passive aggressive shit.

What am I supposed to do?
Any tips for how I can make myself feel better while his mood subsides?
Any tips for how I can snap him out of it?
Should I apologise for locking him out of the room?

Sorry - this is an essay - just feel like I'm going mad here. Thanks if you got this far.

YallaYalla,

You are angry with yourself for being taken in by the facade of your H's apparant niceness but you are truly seeing his true colours now. You do not though have to compound this now by remaining with him in this marriage upon his return from yet another business trip (he'll be doing the same number of these undoubtedly when your child is born).

I've been waiting for you to get angry with your Dad; he's the one who actually taught you all of this stuff subconsciously along with your Mother who put up with it to her emotional cost. Its too late for them but it is not too late for you, you can break this horrid abuse cycle.

Abusive men follow axactly the same patterns of behaviour, they use the same script...that script is extraordinarily small.

They always get worse, because they see nothing wrong with what they are doing...the were often in dysfunctional or abusive families themselve....so yes, bababay I think you missed something.

In Britain now, this problem is recognised and dealt with better than ever. By the police, health and social services and children's services. The government would not put money into solving this problem if it were not real, and very well researched and above all utterly predictable.

I am really sorry that yalla is in this situation, but is is real, and extremely serious!

Thank you everyone for continuing to post. I know you must all be getting frustrated with me. I am pretty much at rock bottom.

I have long harboured anger for my father but could never work out why. I guess this explains it all really.

And the truly bloody hilarious thing is that, if this does all go pear-shaped, my father will be SOoooo upset by it all.

What a bloody hypocrite.

Not frustrated no. It is such a traumatic thing to face up to. It is completely and utterly heartbreaking to realise that the nice guy act is just that.

It takes time.....Patricia Evans calls it a spell, and it's hard to break that spell. Trouble is, the genie IS out of the bottle. You know too much now.

It takes I think seven attempts on average, to leave...and lots of women never do.

I look at my sister in law, I never want to be the empty vessel she has become. Funny, that was one satement I made that actually shut him up!

It takes time, support and courage. Keep posting here....you'll get there. xx

babababy yep - you've missed out quite a lot! The lack of remorse, turning everything around to be the OPs fault, controlling behaviour (deserting her, walking slowly and others), verbal abuse, sulking. Each one may not be that bad if it were a one off or a single experience but this thread is a littany of regular stories and those are only the ones she has told us about.

I am utterly heartbroken. I feel bereaved. I feel fooled. I feel frozen. I feel sick. I feel despair.

And then I wonder if it's all in my head.

And then it starts again.

that's exactly how I feel.

Like I am under a spell.

Yalla, I know it is difficult but try and focus on yourself and your needs. This is hard to do as you are conditioned to plan your entire life around your husband/father. Now is the time to be selfish. The reason you are feeling so crap at the moment is because you are realising what you need to do. So focus internally and work on getting that strength to make the move.

I have told one friend about 80% of stuff, but she has a family and work to think about and I can't keep going to her.

How could I even start to explain? I don't even understand it myself. I should tell people. I don't know how to though.

For some reason I can't stomach the thought of telling my parents. Is this bad?

Oh - and I know EVERYONE says this - but if you met me in real life you would fall off your chair backwards if you knew this was me.

Get those books. Digest the stuff in them before you try to explain to anyone else. Get them sent from Amazon while H is away.

my thoughts exactly, dittany

As dittany says. Parents are the last people you tell - only when YOU have the strength and YOU are ready. If you were my friend I would want you to keep coming to me. I have a very good friend who is going through something very similar but a bit further along the line and she has only just told me. I wish she had told me months ago. Please let her know - she will want to help and she maybe able to offer some really useful advise especially if she knows you both.

Not that I wish to define you yalla but I expect you are very beautiful, very bright....we know how articulate you are. I expect you are interested in the world, that people like you. That you are kind and gentle and above all loving.

They like their trophies these narcs

I sometimes wonder whether part of their fury at us is based on jealousy....they want to be who we are. I have read stuff about the mirroring they do....Grace mentioned it upthread.

I remember that kind of helped me to start to feel a bit better about myself. To trap me, he did a fantastic impersonation...of me! I'm the one that is fun, I'm the sociable on with the fab sense of humour...he wanted to be that, instead of the nasty vindictive horrible, pitiful gollum type creature he really is.

Blimey...that was cathartic too!

it's like the matrix - you take the pill, then you know and you can never go back.

you see him for what he is, and you see how your dad conditioned you to think this is normal.

you don't have to settle for it. i think you will be surprised at how much support in rl you'll get. you'll certainly get it on here.

Good post Katisha.

I used to tell my friends a little bit of what was going on and they would say "well if you just say to him, and if you just point out to him...."

It's also true what thisishowifeel says, if a narcissist is told how cruelly he has treated you, he feels sorry for himself that he's been accused of such a wicked thing. He only ever feels his own distress. He is absolutely impervious to yours. Yours is at most an annoyance to him, which gives him a reason to feel sorry for himself!

Good last words thisishowifeel. My x has no idea what an abusive narcissist he is. He thinks he's a lovely guy and that I was hysterical.

Yes, we do all say that! Narcissists seem to be able to pick out a strong, successful, attractive woman of character (who will reflect well on him) with some underlying dysfunctional stuff in the background (which will make her vulnerable to him).

It's not an accident. As Dittany said, they all follow the same script. It's like the "person factory" puts all the ones with Narc wiring faults in the same dumpster ... from which they emerge, like heat-seeking missiles, to home in on aptly-qualified women. Weirder than weird. And TRUE!

It's actually really good that you're feeling anger at your father. It means your subconscious is figuring this whole thing out - that's why you're tired. Your mind's working hard!

I believe it's also why you're averse to discussing this with your parents: they are the ones who taught you to accept this kind of relationship; their script is the same one that's playing out in your present life. Your lovely, clever mind has already identified your P&M as the contributing factor to all of this - and is averse to ditching one Narc in favour of another!

"Out of the frying pan, into the fire" couldn't be more appropriate. You need to jum further, or in a different direction.

Not frustrated at all, Yalla. I couldn't/wouldn't face what you're facing now. It broke me. I admire your courage & wish you all good strength

Oh yes...his reply to that was...

"oh so your saying that I'm not normal, you're abusing ME"

Which, if it wasn't so awful, would be quite funny in it's extreme narcissism...no remorse whatever at the thought that he may have hurt someone, just anger that he was called what he perceived to be a horrid name. Insane!

Going on from what Grace has said, that is why it's so important for you yalla, to replace the word "him", with "me". It is phenomenally difficult to do, we become obsessed with them and their lives,feelings etc.

I have put a mirror in my office...so I can see MYSELF. I had started to disapear. Look at your self a lot, talk to yourself a lot. reclaim yourself...a bit at a time. Stop thinking about him ALL the time. Start thinking about YOU.

Blimey, thisis. You've just set off another lightbulb. I always maintained XH#2 was a great dancer - he, and his friends, said not. But he could dance, we all saw him! Flash! He was only a good dancer with me. Because I can dance. Ohhhh, the weirdness continues ...
... No wonder people kept saying I was so good for him

"Narcissists seem to be able to pick out a strong, successful, attractive woman of character (who will reflect well on him) with some underlying dysfunctional stuff in the background (which will make her vulnerable to him)".

So true. This is exactly what my narc BIL has done with his g/f who also has some dysfunctional family stuff in her own background!. You cannot have a relationship of any sort with a narc; it just does not work on any level.

Your mind is indeed working hard YallaYalla. You see how this really is and you see how both your Mum and Dad conditioned you into accepting the same type of awful relationship they themselves have.

And also if you are pretty much at rock bottom now there is only one to go from that point. That is upwards!.

I think it is only when you are out of this will you look back and wonder why the hell you stayed with him for so long.

Yalla , i think theres quite a distance between seeing it and acting on it. Youll possibly keep having these conversations with him to confirm / disprove what you suspect. Eventually youll have no choice but to either accept what he is , and get away , or chose to live in denial and tell yourself its all your fault.

I think that sadly the end result here will be a divorce . You can either do that now , or you can sleep walk through the next 20 years. The horror and disbeleif will be the same though. Perhaps your not quite horrified enough yet. More conversations where his mask starts to slip off will solve that though.

Have you read anything about narcissm ? He sounds like one to me. The man you thought you married simply doesnt exist and never did , your now seeing exactly who he is and what he thinks about you. Narcs need someone to bully and someone to dump all their toxic shit onto , they dont see people as we do, you have no purpose , only to reflect back his wonderfullness and engage in the lie that he is.

He has made it clear that he is not interested in the scan, its nothing more than a tool to manipulate you with. Harsh isnt it , to see your husband being so openly twattish.

What is the difference between a narcissist and a plain 'abuser/controller'?