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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have been stupid, cant talk to anyone else...

146 replies

paitientpartner · 17/04/2010 21:05

Name-changer. Please dont out me if you recognise.

Been with dh 5 years, dd 3. Only been married a year. He is considerably older than me.

Sex has never been great, he isnt particulary well indowed, and over the past couple of years has struggled to maintain an errection. We get by, we do other stuff. He isnt bothered about sex though, partly due to his problems, partly I guess due to him having a very low sex drive. He once saif to me that "he has been there done that and wouldnt really be that bothered if he never had sex again", although this was in the middle of a row, and he now maintains its not true. We have discussed him seeing the doctor/reducing stress, trying to sort things out but it never really happens. A few weeks of him making an effort (which doesnt really do it for me as I always think in the back of my mind he's only doing it to keep me happy)

My sex drive on the other hand is sky high, and getting more so due to being surpressed. I have read so many threads on here about people having affairs and fb's due to lack of sex, always sympathized, wondered if one day I would end up in a similar situation, as cannot imagine no sex for the next 30 odd years.

So the inevitable has happened. I have met someone through work. He is gorgeous funny and flirty. Only chatted a couple of times for a few minutes, but the stupid stupid man seeked me out on facebook, we started talking last night, things got quite... not steamy but there were lots of inuendos, flirting etc.

Now he's on my mind. Too much. I shouldnt be even thinking about it but in my head I'm thinking of him as a fuck-buddy (hate the phrase sorry). I love dh, we havent been long married, we have a lovely life, a wonderful daughter, but he isnt satisfying me, cant/wont. I am 30 an cannot contemplate a sexless life, but am so utterly ashamed that such a short time after taking my marriage vows I am thinking like this.

Please slap some sense into me.

OP posts:

patientpartner · 20/04/2010 16:36

I only posted twice, to say that it was a work night out, but that I was driving.

Am going to leave thread now and go back to normal name.

Thanks again for all the useful advice, to the people that have shared their experiences, and the kindness.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 17:48

somewhat weird, I think, wilts (not you, PP)

kittya · 20/04/2010 19:39

How did this all get so confusing? whats will all the name changes? I was looking forward to the updates and couldnt follow it at all!!

StepSideways · 21/04/2010 11:16

glad i'm not the only one who saw where wilts was heading many posts ago... I think there's other websites better suited to what wilts want's..

cityandwilts · 21/04/2010 12:53

are there

cityandwilts · 21/04/2010 12:53

can you recommend them

StepSideways · 21/04/2010 13:12

I beleive there was a bbc article about it, something along the lines of ashley madison, if i remember rightly, I think that's the kind of site your looking for.

cityandwilts · 21/04/2010 13:23

StepSideways - was pulling your leg there dear, just somewhat alarmed to be finding my reputation subject to such unwarranted slander

StepSideways · 21/04/2010 13:37

hmmm... ok... your posts have come across a little strange though.. and not just to me!

kittya · 21/04/2010 14:04

they definitely have had an undertone to them which is why everyone has left the thread. It really confused what was going on. I noticed it as soon as you posted.

cityandwilts · 21/04/2010 14:09

Im just an average bloke that found it useful to comment on a subject that I am having difficulties with myself in real life.

cityandwilts · 21/04/2010 14:10

btw...i just renewed my season ticket £4.5k for the privelidge of getting to work and not even usually getting a seat...bloody Bob Crow

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/04/2010 14:17

I think the tone of Cityandwilts posts were getting a bit salacious. Shame as I think the thread in the main was very helpful and positive, and this has probably put the kibosh on that now.

kittya · 21/04/2010 14:26

It scared the OP away, thats for sure.

cityandwilts · 21/04/2010 14:27

if your day was as dull as mine you wouldn't be so harsh on me...talk about death by Excel sheesh

StepSideways · 21/04/2010 14:35

if your simply here because your bored, there's better places you can be, the OP has a real problem, and mostly people are posting on this thread in order to try to help her (and by proxy also him). I've spent the whole day mostly stareing at excel, but it hasn't driven me to take a thread for a joy ride yet..

AnyFucker · 21/04/2010 16:56

city...at the risk of giving you even more attention than you have already got, you came across as a bloke paying rsther a lot of inappropriate attention to the specific details of a woman who is in rather a vulnerable state at the moment

dodgy, IMO

not a reputation you want to uphold, tbh, and you might want to think about your posting style

HTH

vintagewarrior · 28/05/2010 14:49

He is not gonna be your mr right forever. You are too different, exactly the same as me and my much older ex. I stayed too long, I know you live him but you may resent him in the future for wasting the sexiest years of your life!!

poodie · 28/05/2010 15:55

Your partner should at least try out the usual prescribed drugs to help with erectile dysfunction. It is astonishing how many people use them (according to doctor friends - no names!!) and the age range is 30+ so it is not necessarily an "old man" problem so there is no "shame" in using them.

If he is not prepared to do that, then he is being selfish to the point where looking elsewhere could be one solution, at least in the short term.

It sounds as though you are sexually incompatible which might not be such a problem if you were 60 and perhaps looking primarily for a companionship type of relationship (it sounds as though he would settle for this?) but at 30?

On the other hand if you married him seeing him as a type of father-figure, knowing that the sex was never going to be that hot, then perhaps there was a certain inevitability to this....?

babehunmug · 28/05/2010 17:18

Please keep trying with your partner. I haven't read all the posts but maybe try a sex therapist.

Don't mess with MM you can destroy too many lives that way.

If it doesn't work out the right thing to do would be to split or come to an arrangement - he might be OK about you having boyfriends ???

Elasticwoman · 29/05/2010 14:09

Seems to me that lack of desire is the greater problem; erectile dysfunction is very much secondary.

when I first read the OP I assumed the dh was much older than he turned out to be. My dh is younger than yours, and still v frisky. However, there was a time before we had the dc, getting on for 20 years ago in fact, when he went off sex. I remember complaining to him that I'd taken the contraceptive pill a whole month and for what? He was very cross that I'd mentioned it. I don't know what it was that sparked his interest again, but it was after we had children. I think his period of low libido co-incided with a period of stress at work and re his career generally.

What's going on with your dh's life outside the bedroom, OP?

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