Have been stupid, cant talk to anyone else...

[paitientpartner]

Name-changer. Please dont out me if you recognise.

Been with dh 5 years, dd 3. Only been married a year. He is considerably older than me.

Sex has never been great, he isnt particulary well indowed, and over the past couple of years has struggled to maintain an errection. We get by, we do other stuff. He isnt bothered about sex though, partly due to his problems, partly I guess due to him having a very low sex drive. He once saif to me that "he has been there done that and wouldnt really be that bothered if he never had sex again", although this was in the middle of a row, and he now maintains its not true. We have discussed him seeing the doctor/reducing stress, trying to sort things out but it never really happens. A few weeks of him making an effort (which doesnt really do it for me as I always think in the back of my mind he's only doing it to keep me happy)

My sex drive on the other hand is sky high, and getting more so due to being surpressed. I have read so many threads on here about people having affairs and fb's due to lack of sex, always sympathized, wondered if one day I would end up in a similar situation, as cannot imagine no sex for the next 30 odd years.

So the inevitable has happened. I have met someone through work. He is gorgeous funny and flirty. Only chatted a couple of times for a few minutes, but the stupid stupid man seeked me out on facebook, we started talking last night, things got quite... not steamy but there were lots of inuendos, flirting etc.

Now he's on my mind. Too much. I shouldnt be even thinking about it but in my head I'm thinking of him as a fuck-buddy (hate the phrase sorry). I love dh, we havent been long married, we have a lovely life, a wonderful daughter, but he isnt satisfying me, cant/wont. I am 30 an cannot contemplate a sexless life, but am so utterly ashamed that such a short time after taking my marriage vows I am thinking like this.

Please slap some sense into me.

maybe city, or maybe it would give him even more of an excuse, and would also mean that he would be suspicious of me if i were to go else where.

you know how dangerous that could be don't you though? At the moment all you are looking for is someone to meet your physical needs but if you actually went down that road, there's no way you could be sure that it would not lead to the development of emotions that would threaten your marriage.

i understand that patientpartner but it's a similar situation to when a female partner feels unattractive/overweight and no amount of badgering from her partner makes her suddenly feel sexy and up for it.

it has to come from within him- he clearly lacks confidence, probably because he KNOWS he's not big enough for you and therefore withdraws.

the erectile dysfunction is probably psychological, caused by lack of confidence.

you're right to want him checked out physically though but it might be an idea to work on confidence first.

You did ask posters to "slap" some sense into you.

First of all, I sympathise hugely with your situation and agree that no-one should have to live in a sexless relationship, especially when the problem is capable of remedy.

However, I think you are evading some responsibility here too, for your own choices, in all sorts of areas. You have stated that this is a longstanding problem - and yet you married him and therefore made a choice despite the situation.

Now, it is perfectly acceptable to say that you can no longer live with that choice and that to continue in this marriage, you insist he gets some help WRT libido and erections, but complaining now about issues that cannot be changed, like his size etc. is unfair. You were not a virgin bride who got a nasty surprise on the wedding night.

Similarly, you describe the flirty colleague as a "stupid, stupid man" for contacting you on Facebook....yet you accepted his overtures willingly and engaged in the banter with a free will. You now feel a bit miffed that he has stepped back. He is married - you both exercised a choice to be hurtful to eachother's partners. What ever you do, please don't invade another woman's marriage to prop up your own, or to give you an ego boost, however understandable it is that you need one.

I think the key here is for both you and your H to take responsibility. Him for engaging about this issue in the first place, acknowledging your right to a fulfilling sex life and then getting help. You for the choices you made and the realisation that some of them were unwise. Take responsibility for the change of mind too. Then see what you can achieve together.

If nothing changes, then re-negotiate what happens next - you part, or you seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere with single partners and with the full knowledge of your H. If however you are not someone who can separate sex from love and you feel there is a risk that you will fall in love with one of these partners, it would be better to part now, or not go there at all. But this is a choice that is yours to make.

However, please don't post in a few months time about how you were "swept away" by the colleague and "before you knew it" were having an affair. Because betraying your H and hurting another woman are choices like any other.

And don't see yourself as a victim who was "driven to" an affair or a friend-with-benefits scenario. If you are unfaithful, you will be making a choice. If you stay with your H, it will be a choice. If he does nothing about the problems, it will be a choice.

i agree with a lot of what WWIFN says also- you do need to take some of the responsibility for the direction your relationship takes... you married him knowing he had this problem.

rather than using it as a stick to beat him with, you would do better to work on it alongside him. how would you feel if he cheated on you because you developed a mental or physical problem that meant it was difficult for you to have sex?

or if your vagina was too big or small for HIM to achieve stimulation? you would want reassurance, no?

very wise post when. Pretty close to the bone but true non the less. The only bit i can defend is the size/problems. I wasnt complaining about size, as you are right, i knew what i was signing up to. I was more trying to illustrate that there are a number of problem that all contribute. Size/lack of erection/lack of sex drive/vanilla sex always.

If he could just try and fix a couple of these issues. I love him, he is a wonderful husband, i just need sex. I wish i didnt.

City very good point, perhaps i should set myself up as an escort, one off sex, and make money at the same time.. Not really..

but you should not be expected to accept that this is the way it is going to be for the rest of the marriage.

To be fair, it sounds like you have done a lot to bring the problem to his attention and that we has not tried nearly hard enough to make more effort to meet your needs.

He needs to know how serious this is and to get his act together. It sounds more like laziness than anything else.

Paitient...see that's the kind of roleplay ideas that you should put to hubby...might perk up his interest, no?

please believe me when i say that i have tried. I have tried so hard for the past 3 and a bit years since our dd was born. Taking it slowly, building his confidence, trying to let him see how much i fancy him, dressing up, buying games, early nights, candle lit baths, taking responsibilty for early morning child care so that he can have a lie in, organising weekends away, researching impotence/viagra on net... The list goes on. I have tried. I spend most of my life trying. I am constantly dieting and looking after myself so that i am attractive for him, even though i know its ridiculous.

I think that this is the point. That i have taken all of the responsibitly and he has not, and will mot take any.

But really you don't wish you didn't need sex, do you? And it's nothing to be embarrassed about either. A really fulfilling sex life is something all adults deserve. It's not just the sex either; it's the intimacy, the feelings of being desired, the esteem it gives you. Great sex is a fantastic glue and couples ignore its benefits at their peril.

Do you feel that you can be honest with your H about your close brush with infidelity? Often, a shock like this forces people out of their complacency and makes them realise that actually, the problem is really serious. It won't just go away. The other benefit to this openness on your part is that the relationship with the work colleague will have its secrecy removed. Secrecy is an accelerant to these relationships.

Explain it as being about so much more than sex - it is infecting so much about your life and how you see yourself - and him. It is precisely why masturbation doesn't solve the problem - a rabbit doesn't make you feel loved, desired and powerful as a woman. A man who can barely keep his hands off you, or you him, brings you far more benefits than
an orgasm.

This is why I suspect a third party would be disastrous for you, because actually this is about being loved and not just desired.

Paitient - so sad that he hasnt responded to all of your efforts. I dont know what more you can do.

It does sound like you are ripe for an affair. Do you think if the opportunity presented itself you would be able to resist?

Is he open to Viagra? Im wondering if it would help. It works for CZJ and Michael Douglas!! How old is he exactly?

that's why i think counselling would be a great idea for you both- you've tried everything and it's not changed.

you DO deserve a satisfying sex life, i'm not saying you don't, just that it's something that has to come from him. has he tried viagra by the way?

Lots of guys use it these days, not just celebs or 70 year olds. I think it would be worth asking about.

I dont think Viagra alone will neccesarily solve this. The problems seem to be more about his attitude and lets be honest you seem far from satisfied by what he can offer even if he was willing/able.

I know you may have entered the relationship with your eyes open so to speak, but i can tell that as the relationship has matured this has become more and more of an issue between you.

i'm not suggesting viagra alone, but it might help build confidence in achieving an erection.

In addition to all the other suggestions you have had I htink you should also ask your GP whther it could be low testosterone (which isn;t uncommon in men of his age) and which can be treated with a testosterone patch. I think it's quite hard to find someone who will treat this though.

I think Viagra will be a start. At least get him to talk to his gp, he may need some blood tests. Ive missed his age, what is the gap between you?

counselling would be good, but since the chances are he isnt going to go to drs this week, its unlikely he would do that.

We havent tried viagra no, he would, but thats because its a quick fix, pretend everythings normal... Although he wouldnt ask dr for it i dont think.

You are right about probably wanting emotional stuff, and the chances are i wouldnt be able to stop it turning into an affair. I want to be made to feel special, desirable et al.

You know this thread has been so helpful to me, even from the point of exploring my own feelings. I'd kept them locked away because i was frightened what would happen if i gave them head space.

I dont know whether i'm any further forward with a solution, i dont want to loose my husband, or destroy our family, but i do want/need sex, and you are right normal, i dont wish it was any other way. I like being sexual.

At the risk of being flamed...jealously can be a great motivator you know. If he saw that you were attractive to other men and getting attention from then, it could have results in changing his behaviour. He is certainly taking you for granted.

he's nearly 50. 18 years between us.

Apologies for vague ness. Exact would out me, and i have a few RL friends on here.

So tell us the truth about why you might not come clean and admit what happened on Friday night? If it's because it might stop it in its tracks, acknowledge that if the colleague makes further moves, you will have an affair...

if this is a problem now..How do you think it will be when you are in your late 30's and in your sexual prime and he is approaching 60?

whenwill i dont understand the question? Do you mean i should dh about what happened on friday night?

city i have absolutely no idea, but it is something i think about a lot, and something that makes me so sad... Where did you say you were again?

Why so shocked about telling your DH the truth? Yes, that is exactly what I'm recommending. Tell him you have been engaging in a flirty relationship with a colleague and that you're tempted.