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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have been stupid, cant talk to anyone else...

146 replies

paitientpartner · 17/04/2010 21:05

Name-changer. Please dont out me if you recognise.

Been with dh 5 years, dd 3. Only been married a year. He is considerably older than me.

Sex has never been great, he isnt particulary well indowed, and over the past couple of years has struggled to maintain an errection. We get by, we do other stuff. He isnt bothered about sex though, partly due to his problems, partly I guess due to him having a very low sex drive. He once saif to me that "he has been there done that and wouldnt really be that bothered if he never had sex again", although this was in the middle of a row, and he now maintains its not true. We have discussed him seeing the doctor/reducing stress, trying to sort things out but it never really happens. A few weeks of him making an effort (which doesnt really do it for me as I always think in the back of my mind he's only doing it to keep me happy)

My sex drive on the other hand is sky high, and getting more so due to being surpressed. I have read so many threads on here about people having affairs and fb's due to lack of sex, always sympathized, wondered if one day I would end up in a similar situation, as cannot imagine no sex for the next 30 odd years.

So the inevitable has happened. I have met someone through work. He is gorgeous funny and flirty. Only chatted a couple of times for a few minutes, but the stupid stupid man seeked me out on facebook, we started talking last night, things got quite... not steamy but there were lots of inuendos, flirting etc.

Now he's on my mind. Too much. I shouldnt be even thinking about it but in my head I'm thinking of him as a fuck-buddy (hate the phrase sorry). I love dh, we havent been long married, we have a lovely life, a wonderful daughter, but he isnt satisfying me, cant/wont. I am 30 an cannot contemplate a sexless life, but am so utterly ashamed that such a short time after taking my marriage vows I am thinking like this.

Please slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 11:08

Obviously, it doesnt need to be a problem but i think you need to address this now and not later.
I'm near Marlborough but work in London..what about you?

kittya · 19/04/2010 11:13

Did you not see this coming when you first got together?

Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 11:14

telling would do nothing but hurt him and make a bad situation worse, cant see him wanting to hop into bed after that.

No where near!

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 11:16

I think that you want to take this forward don't you?

cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 11:17

where are you then, county will do if you dont want to out yourself

StepSideways · 19/04/2010 11:17

Just to add some info more on a biological note, if after treatment he begins to have nocturnal erections again, you may find his penis regains some of it's lost size, as if he hasn't been having strong erections on so long the tissues cappilaries etc havn't been getting stretched out. Having an erection usually sends strong signals to a mans brain to have sex, so having regular good erections may well gradually increase his libedo, not necessarily, but it might, both these effects have the snowball effect of course of making him more likely to get erections and get aroused more often.

On a psychological level mostly other posters have covered this, but the snowball effect on his confidence can't be underestimated, he needs building up, and it might take some years for the anxiety to wear off and for him to stop losing his erection.

On a treatment level different things work well for different people, but if your going to try a pill, like viagra, I'd try cialis, it lasts for about 36 hours and we won't feel so pressured into performing during the more limited timeframe viagra is effective, also, as cialis will be effective overnight as he sleeps it should help with the nocturnal erections and have the benefits of having those.

As for getting him in front of the Dr thats another matter, of course no right minded person would suggest you get hold of some cialis by some means other than your Dr, but...

StepSideways · 19/04/2010 11:22

cityandwilts - Your posts seem to have navigated from negative and unhelpful, giving the ops H a kick, and now heading towards trying to find out how close the OP is to where you work, why?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 11:23

I don't think you're being entirely honest with yourself. Telling him that you've been tempted will hurt a bit, but temptation in a marriage is normal and acknowledging that - and treating it as a wake-up call - hurts a lot less than being deceived while your partner has an affair....

I think at least part of the reason you won't tell him is because you want this other relationship to gain momentum.

kittya · 19/04/2010 11:24

Stepsideways, thats a silly thing to suggest, getting medication on the black market when he needs tests.

cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 11:26

Step..i dont think that I have been negative but that I think the OP has been quite clear that she has made an awful lot of effort here, which he has not reciprocated.
tbh, it sounds like he has become quite complacent.

StepSideways · 19/04/2010 11:28

yes, it is silly, which is why she's back to square one, trying to get him sat in front of the Dr...

kittya · 19/04/2010 11:31

well, thats for them to discuss and work out. If he isnt willing to go to a gp then he's not willing to work at the relationship.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 11:36

Honestly, I think you've got to work on some denial here OP. Your first post mentioned that "the inevitable" happened with the colleague. Nothing's inevitable at all while we can still exercise a choice.

I fear that but for a lot of perhaps painfully honest dialogue with your DH, when you illustrate the real consequences of the situation you find yourselves in, you will be someone who will rush headlong into an affair and then blame everyone else for that choice.

Can't you see that a more honest choice - where you tell your H how much he is in peril - would be a better option?

StepSideways · 19/04/2010 11:44

It's not as simple as him being simply unwilling to work at the relationship, thats like telling a depressed person to 'get a grip, ffs', yes he should go to the doctor, he really needs, and the reason he's not going is most likely fear and anxiety..

Does he have a good Dr? You may need to go with him there and possibly even speak up for him, it may be hard to believe, but for a lot of guys, especially older guys, sitting in front of a Dr and admitting something like that can be more scary than going into a battle.

Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 12:07

i think a lot has changed since my first post when, it was very much written in the spur of the moment, when i was quite upset. I am fully aware of my part in all this, and am desperate to sort it. I think that in hindsight it isnt about fb guy, he was a catalyst, but the main issue is our relationship and concentrating on trying to fix it . I accept that to do that i need to forget about anyone else, but do admit that after years of being rejected and made to feel like a freak for being aroused, it was nice to have someone show an interested. It went no further than him asking what i was wearing and discussing what we thought when we first net.

Not exactly mills and boon by anyones standards.

City, your posts have been helpful, and you were only reacting to what i asked. In jest.

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 12:27

thanks Patient.part of my thinks what the hell... just go for it, but I know thats not the answer you are looking for!

blinks · 19/04/2010 12:32

stepsideways is talking sense.

you have to put ego to one side and try to see him as a person, rather than a person who's job it is to give you sex.

he probably feels it will be humiliating.

at the same time you need to forgive yourself for thinking about other men, etc. it's a normal reaction and you're only human.

but forgive him too- he's clearly not trying to hurt you on purpose.

Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 13:41

I have got no doubt that he is humiliated, and I guess that cant be helping his confidence in bed. He is scared to do it, incase he cant, but doesnt realise that the more we do, the easier it may be come.

I do feel sorry for him, terribly sorry. I'm also sorry for the way I treated him last night, we went to bed, and I started on him, blaming him for not doing anything over the last week, which made him feel worse. The ironic thing is, he says he actually wanted to have cuddles and stuff last night.

I have been to see him at lunchtime, given him a big hug and told him I am sorry. Hopefully we can get back on track.

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 13:46

it sounds like there is the scope for progress and for things to improve so that is very positive.

cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 14:07

I hope that I can follow your lead and sort out the problems in my own relationship. We are down to about once every two months now and try as I might , I can't help but to feel rejected. Like you, I have tried everything to create the right atmosphere, but with no success. Its seriously damaging my relatiopnship now.

Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 14:12

I feel for you - I really do.

And I guess difficult as at is for men at least there is medical help

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 14:16

dw's sex drive just nosedived after giving birth to our children. I kept on hoping it would recover but its been nearly 5 years now and if anything its getting worse.

Did your appetite change after you had dd?

Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 14:22

Yes, although the other way. I had a m/c first before dd, which coincided with us having sex, totally unrelated, but frightened me enough to not want to risk it once I fell pregnant again. Once I had given birth (c/s) I keen for things to resume... well not the same day natch

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 14:26

now that really would be impressive....

cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 14:41

I guess that I just have to keep up with the cold showers....