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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have been stupid, cant talk to anyone else...

146 replies

paitientpartner · 17/04/2010 21:05

Name-changer. Please dont out me if you recognise.

Been with dh 5 years, dd 3. Only been married a year. He is considerably older than me.

Sex has never been great, he isnt particulary well indowed, and over the past couple of years has struggled to maintain an errection. We get by, we do other stuff. He isnt bothered about sex though, partly due to his problems, partly I guess due to him having a very low sex drive. He once saif to me that "he has been there done that and wouldnt really be that bothered if he never had sex again", although this was in the middle of a row, and he now maintains its not true. We have discussed him seeing the doctor/reducing stress, trying to sort things out but it never really happens. A few weeks of him making an effort (which doesnt really do it for me as I always think in the back of my mind he's only doing it to keep me happy)

My sex drive on the other hand is sky high, and getting more so due to being surpressed. I have read so many threads on here about people having affairs and fb's due to lack of sex, always sympathized, wondered if one day I would end up in a similar situation, as cannot imagine no sex for the next 30 odd years.

So the inevitable has happened. I have met someone through work. He is gorgeous funny and flirty. Only chatted a couple of times for a few minutes, but the stupid stupid man seeked me out on facebook, we started talking last night, things got quite... not steamy but there were lots of inuendos, flirting etc.

Now he's on my mind. Too much. I shouldnt be even thinking about it but in my head I'm thinking of him as a fuck-buddy (hate the phrase sorry). I love dh, we havent been long married, we have a lovely life, a wonderful daughter, but he isnt satisfying me, cant/wont. I am 30 an cannot contemplate a sexless life, but am so utterly ashamed that such a short time after taking my marriage vows I am thinking like this.

Please slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 15:16

Does that even work?

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 15:22

unfortunately not, the pressure can really build up I'm afraid, if you know what I mean.

kittya · 19/04/2010 17:55

Do either of you want anymore children?

Original poster
paitientpartner · 19/04/2010 19:56

kitty interesting question.

Initially I did want another, but dh wasnt very keen, at all. He has 2 teens from first marriage.

Given the age thing, we sat down and chatted about it a few months ago, basically he said that if I wanted another, then we could try(only took 1 attepmt for each pregnancy), but it had to be now(ish) or never, as he was concerned about the old dad thing.

After a lot of soul-searching on my side, I decided that although I had times of being broody, I wasnt 100% certain about having another one, and that we are getting to a stage where we are very comfortably off, dd starts nursey, planning nice holidays etc, and the selfish part of me knew that I would have to sacrifice them if we had another, so we have agreed no more. I'm cool with it though. Although I dont want him to have the snip.

Make of that what you will.

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 20/04/2010 08:13

PP - are you still in touch with fb man then, is he a work colleague?

Original poster
paitientpartner · 20/04/2010 08:17

Yep, still in touch, but things have cooled since friday. Just general chat, and I have been staying away from FB as much as possible.

Dh being very lovely which is nice, havent mentioned drs appointment, will just leave it for now, there's not point in putting pressure on.

Work function tonight though

OP posts:
cityandwilts · 20/04/2010 08:23

pp -i dont think anyone else is interested in our conversation here so we should probably get out of the way of the main board. I wil create a new thread under Other / Other subjects. catch you there

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 08:29

err, don't think people aren't lurking !

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 08:29

err, don't think people aren't lurking !

blinks · 20/04/2010 08:48

dodgy.

namechangealso · 20/04/2010 08:53

Patientpartner... your postings have made me totally and utterly gobsmacked. Rewind a matter of 18 years and it is me talking. Totally. Every single thing you type resonates with me because that was ME all those years ago.

There has been some wonderful postings and help from others here... particularly SolidGoldBrass... you really are solid gold and make a lot of sense.

No one should under estimate the impact this has on a woman's life. For it slowly to dawn on you that your OH doesn't desire you as a woman, that he fears intimacy in all its forms with you is very hard to bear. Like you patientpartner, I tried, tried and then tried again. I accepted my sex drive was sky high and his was low (I didn't honestly know this when we married) and I tried to engage him on an intimate level in whatever way I thought might suit him.

I stood back and waited, I researched help, I came on strong, I dressed to impress, I waited for days/weeks/months without trying so as not to apply pressure. What was so hard was that I was always the one to tackle this every single time. OH was just not that bothered and I just knew deep down he hoped I would stop bothering and that HURT.

So I gave up. (remember patientpartner, you are me 18 years ago and so I am looking at your situation from the outside in). After far too long trying, I accepted it was never going to happen and I decided I could become celibate.

Guess what... I couldn't. It came back to bite me on the bum. I rediscovered myself with an affair. Yes, just like riding a bike, you never forget what to do! Before you all say... leave him.. there are more reasons than you would imagine as to why I can't and without compromising myself I can't reveal them.

I feel for you greatly patientpartner. Just bear in mind.. it won't go away. It won't become better... your OH has to want to make it better and get help for it to happen. If his mindset is not that way inclined, it won't improve. Sorry to sound like the voice of doom here.

I found airports difficult... let me explain. Couples there of my age going on holiday with DCs of a similar age to mine. I used to see them show affection, kiss, some sort of intimacy and I used to think 'I bet they are having sex'. This sounds so sad, doesn't it. The envy and jealousy I had of other couples with an active sex life was hard to bear. I had to steer myself from threads on here when women moaned about their OHs always wanting it. I used to think 'just relish it, FFS. Your OH sees you as a sexual woman'. (I know it isn't this simplistic, btw.)

I honestly thought I would go to my grave without ever making love again. I accepted that and became the perfect wife, hostess and mother. No one threw better parties than me, I was on every school committee going, I devoted my life to my family, I threw myself into everything. But it does NOT go away.

I still cry for what might have been. I think I possibly had some sort of breakdown about it when I realised it was never going to happen... the slow dawning of this on me was a journey I never want to repeat. It affected every single aspect of my life. My health, my view on life and relationships... everything.

I don't know what advice to offer, patientpartner... I just want you to know you are not alone.

Original poster
paitientpartner · 20/04/2010 08:54

It wasnt meant to be dodgy, it just seemed to turn into a 2 person chat.

Although yes, bit silly and niave perhaps. Will go back to old name and leave this I think.

Thanks everyone that has helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
paitientpartner · 20/04/2010 08:59

Namechange - what a thoughtful post. Thank you so much for taking the time. I really do appreciate it. I know exactly what you mean about looking at our couples and being jeleous as you think they must be having great sex. God I even find myself wondering whether the postie would be a good shag or not

Thanks once again - can I ask, are you still together, and did you only have 1 affair?

OP posts:
namechangealso · 20/04/2010 09:05

Yes we are still together... and no, I didn't have just one affair. I hate to even type that but I am the one who has to live with myself.

Original poster
paitientpartner · 20/04/2010 09:25

Tell me to mind my own business if you want, but I'm guessing that it didnt make things any better? So sorry for you.

OP posts:
namechangealso · 20/04/2010 09:45

Did it make things better... hmmm... not sure what to say. I suppose it was inevitable after all those years (very scared of being flamed on here). It just took me into a different area of my life but I still mourn for what should have been. Thanks for good wishes.

Original poster
paitientpartner · 20/04/2010 09:49

I dont think anyone has the right to flame until they have walked a mile in their shoes and all that.

OP posts:
muddychipmunk · 20/04/2010 10:54

PP

I've been here too, with an ex partner. He was lovely in most ways except he just didn't want to have sex with me. I tried most things too - and it didn't work. I ended up feeling crap about myself for a while, until we split - because of this - and then gradually, I regained my self confidence. It does take it out of you, feeling so unattractive and undesirable... In my case, it was turning a platonic friendship into something more - the spark just wasn't there and I should have left well alone.

Someone very tritely said that when things aren't working out, the sex part of a relationship assumes something like a 90% importance, yet in a balanced relationship, its only like 20%. (Made those figures up cos I can't remember the exact numbers, but they illustrate the point!) I know that I became obsessed with sex when I knew that I wasn't going to have any with my partner, but after we split, I was happy going without cos it was my decision to choose not to IYSWIM?

Whatever, I'd leave the postie alone though! x

blinks · 20/04/2010 10:57

i was only joking about it being dodgy.

StepSideways · 20/04/2010 11:23

still lurking... would it be useful if threads had a lurkometer?

I'll interject again if I have anything to say though.. wishing you luck with your problem, and hoping it doesnt all end in tears..

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 15:15

PP....why was your other thread in "Other Subjects" deleted ?

You know the one...where city invited you to continue the conversation, just you two ???

patientpartner · 20/04/2010 16:26

I didnt want to have the converstaion that city was obviously wanting, after 2 posts the tone changed, so I asked for my posts to be deleted, but they deleted the thread.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 16:29

you were warned, PP !

he/she/it was a werdo

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 16:31

a weirdo, even

sorry, didn't really want to bring it up, but have been out all day after posting on it this morning

was expecting to come back and find it had gone tits-up, tbh

cityandwilts · 20/04/2010 16:32

err... somewhat harsh I think