Have been stupid, cant talk to anyone else...

[paitientpartner]

Name-changer. Please dont out me if you recognise.

Been with dh 5 years, dd 3. Only been married a year. He is considerably older than me.

Sex has never been great, he isnt particulary well indowed, and over the past couple of years has struggled to maintain an errection. We get by, we do other stuff. He isnt bothered about sex though, partly due to his problems, partly I guess due to him having a very low sex drive. He once saif to me that "he has been there done that and wouldnt really be that bothered if he never had sex again", although this was in the middle of a row, and he now maintains its not true. We have discussed him seeing the doctor/reducing stress, trying to sort things out but it never really happens. A few weeks of him making an effort (which doesnt really do it for me as I always think in the back of my mind he's only doing it to keep me happy)

My sex drive on the other hand is sky high, and getting more so due to being surpressed. I have read so many threads on here about people having affairs and fb's due to lack of sex, always sympathized, wondered if one day I would end up in a similar situation, as cannot imagine no sex for the next 30 odd years.

So the inevitable has happened. I have met someone through work. He is gorgeous funny and flirty. Only chatted a couple of times for a few minutes, but the stupid stupid man seeked me out on facebook, we started talking last night, things got quite... not steamy but there were lots of inuendos, flirting etc.

Now he's on my mind. Too much. I shouldnt be even thinking about it but in my head I'm thinking of him as a fuck-buddy (hate the phrase sorry). I love dh, we havent been long married, we have a lovely life, a wonderful daughter, but he isnt satisfying me, cant/wont. I am 30 an cannot contemplate a sexless life, but am so utterly ashamed that such a short time after taking my marriage vows I am thinking like this.

Please slap some sense into me.

PP: If your H is just not very interested in sex then it would be very unreasonable of him to say that you can't/mustn't have it with other people (it is fundamentally wrong for people to think that they are entitled to own another person's sexuality and yet ignore it). Can you put it to him as it taking the pressure off him for you to find fuckbuddies? Then the two of you can enjoy the rest of your relationship without this one problematic issue driving you apart.

(Ignore anyone who says wah wah waaaah you can't separate sex from love. Yes you can and it is much healthier to do so).

As this other guy is married, BACK OFF.

Go to Dr, drag your hubby there and make him tell doc what is wrong.

pp sorry, had to nip out to supermarket (the glamour of my life)... I think we may have had quite similar times in our pasts! I think that makes it particularly difficult when you have to contend with feeling "less" than before. I know we should be empowered and strong in our own sexuality/attractiveness etc but, again speaking for myself, I sort of need the validation and want to know that I've still got it.

You sound pretty switched on and your writing style is very clear and well written so I imagine that communication is fairly straightforward for you. I can't imagine that you haven't already explained this to your DH... I think SGB may be right but I think there may be quite a long way to go emotionally with your DH before you get from where you are now to having an intimate friend (I hate the term f buddy too and I'm not normally prudish).

I so wish I had some helpful advice or recommendations for you. I really, really feel for you. I used to find myself fantasizing about all sorts of people I wouldn't have looked twice at if I'd been satisfied at home!

Belle - thats exactly how I feel. Word for word.

I am intelligent, I dont take shot from anyone, I moved out when I was 17 and have worked hard for everything I have, but not matter how I look at this, what I do, or say it always ends the same. I have booked him an appointment at the doctors, and have also found some info on line (40over40.com if anyones interested) but tbh I'm pretty pissed that it should be me that is doing this, and not him. If he actually wanted to fix any of this, and show that he cares then he should have made appointment, and spent an hour or 2 online finding out, insteading of playing the bloody ps3.

I suppose there are a couple of different problems really in that a) he cant maintain an erection, b) he isnt interested in sex and c) everything has become so vanilla and scripted. And whilst the doctor may be able to help with getting it up, its unlikley to imporive his sex drive.. unless he's like a kid with a new toy

Its the thought of being like this for the next 40 years that frightens me the most you know. And of course, the longer it goes on, the worse it ges, and as you said I find myself fantasizing about all sorts of people, situations and I actually find myself flirting more with men, just to boost my own self asteeem (not that its low really), even in ridiculous situations like the dentist or garage.

I think it's a good sign that you still want to have sex with your dh despite feeling rejected. I think it shows that it really is just sex that you're looking for with a new man rather than a full blown affair.

If your husband isn't able to maintain an erection, has a very small penis anyway and has made it clear that he doesn't miss sex and hasn't made any real effort to rectify the problem then I can't see the harm in you finding someone else to have sex with.

I'd stay away from the married guy though.

100% about sex, apart from that we have a great relationship, perfect life to most people I suppose, I mean FGS we havent been married a year.

Think male escort may be the way forward.... kidding!!!!

pp, I think most men would prefer not to have any kind of in depth conversation when things go wrong sexually.

I suppose this may be a question too far but do you think that your DH would be willing to try Viagra? I think (but only based on a conversation with one of my friends about her ex) that the alternative is a "penis pump" which I don't really think is likely to set your heart pounding with desire.

Also, and I've only just thought of this, it's definitely a good thing to go to GP even if it's just to rule out some kind of medical reason for his lost libido.

I really do hope you get things sorted. I'm pretty certain that if he doesn't get his act together, he'll lose you eventually. The sad thing is that I don't think that's what you want at all.

Thats one of the reasons for dr's appointment, as a middle-aged smoker, in a high stress job doing little exercise there are health risks - things like chlorestrol/blood pressure/diabetes, but again its me that has found out all of this - not him.

Viagra is certainly an option, and might help things in the short term, might even give him some confidence back? Much as I am angry/hurt, I dont doubt that it must be bloody embarrassing for him too, which is maybe half the reason for avoiding sex.

Oh pp... It must be awful for you both really (although my sympathies are mostly with you, obviously). The more he retreats, the more it must hurt you. You then probably end up feeling resentful and angry on top of everything else. I don't think you could do anything more, tbh. You really are being incredibly loyal and not just taking the easy way out. I admire you.

Thanks.

I really appreciate it. I'm pleased I posted as my head was buzzing, a mess with everything, and as you can imagine there is no one in RL that I can talk to about this. TBH, there isnt anyone I would want to tell, its all to personal really.

FB has backed off big style anyways since Fridays "what are you wearing" type questions, he's obviuosly needed an ego boost but has thought better of it, which is good in most ways but I feel a bit . Confidence bashed a little, not that I should be using a married man to make myself feel better.

Think I may just need to join a nunery and be done with it....although Duracell would probably go into administration if I did

PP - it's a shitty situation to be in

However, you have options...

Go all out to help him sort it out... if you don't get anywhere with that...

1. Accept this is how life is if you want to stay with him
2. Leave
3. Get his consent to have a FB

or

1. Have an affair/fuck buddy (without DH's knowledge). However, I would suggest that you stay away from anyone that is married, it's not fair to fuck up someone else's marriage to help you keep yours.

Before you launch into option 4, look at your life, decide if - on balance - it's worth losing what you already have, for sex with someone else. It's a big question, but one you should face head on before having sex with anyone else. I'm not saying you should 'settle' for what you already have, wanting to be in a sexual relationship is a very natural thing and if he can't give you this, then you have to look at your options - all I am saying is do it with your eyes wide open.

PP - My Dh is also older than me , he has a high sex drive but a very old fashioned attitude in that he thinks the wife should do everything , housework & child rearing he does absolutely nothing around the house , he works & i am a SAHM , I am the one in our relationship that has lost my sex drive because i now resent him we have been together 18 years now . I am only in my early 30's but i would gladly swap places with you , sex is not everything . a close loving & equal relationship is worth so much more than casual sex .
I do understand your frustration & hope you do get him to go to the doctors with you . good luck .

two - that sounds like a shitty situation too. I guess it just goes to show that there is no such thing as the "perfect relationship", and that the grass isnt necessarily always greener.

Two: is it worth telling your pig of an H that actually it has been scientifically proven that men who do their fair share round the house get more and better sex? It is actually perfectly true because when a man expects his wife to service him domestically, round the clock, and do all the childcare, sex becomes another chore she is supposed to perform for his benefit and she goes right off the idea. As you have.
You poor girl, that's a horrible way to live.

PP: if your H really has no interest in sex, then he kind of has a right to not have sex and not subject himself to medical intervention in order to have sex he doesn;'t want. HOWEVER if that's how he feels, he must accept your right to have sex with other people. Because no one has the right to enforce celibacy on another person in the name of monogamism or 'love'. It;s not loving at all to insist that one's own lack of interest in sex means a partner should stop having any kind of libido.

patient partner - not exactly textbook but...have you/your fella tried mdma? might wake up a few dormant cells,,,

50 isn't old.

the size he can't do anything about but the erection issue needs assessing.

GP first and relate or something similar.

i get the feeling he's hiding behind the 'i could go forever without sex' stuff. most likely he's turned the tap off as he's so insecure about not being able to satisfy you.

encouragement and affection would help but i can understand your frustration and anger.

coolfonz interesting..although I would have no idea how to get hold of any... contacts from aforementioned mis-spent youth a distant memory

blinks I agree 50 is far from old, although if it doesnt get sorted now its never going to get any better. I think insecurity is a major issue. Although the size doesnt help. At all. He cant actually penetrate me (even when hard) without actually using his hand to push it in? SORRY tmi.

I tried to broach it again last night, but stupidly I got angry, which hasnt helped matters at all. Probably made him feel worse.

I was just annoyed that in a week since it all came to head (again), he hasnt made any effort to proactively seek help. I made a drs appointment, I'm the one who has been looking up causes/symptoms on internet, he hasnt done anything. In my head I need him to prove to me that he is bothered, and that he does want to fix it, or at least try, but unfortunately spending 5 hours a night on the fucking PS3 isnt do it.

So he got annoyed, as did I, and ended up in the spare room with laptop . I have apologised this morning, for upsetting him, and being a bit insensitive, but I can see that I have hurt him.

i could have writeen your OP. I have been married to dh for 7 years and about 2 years ago sex dwindled to just once a month sometimes none. DH is 9 years older than me and already over 40, I love sex he doesnt. This incompatibility is causing issues in our marriage and for 2 years we have gone round and round in circles. I dont know if i ever would cheat on DH, i have had offers and if i wanted to i could tomorrow TBH but the thought of losing Dh and our little family is what stops me. I dont know though how long i can go on in a sexless marriage. The reasons we dont is purely that he doesnt want to, he has no problem with erections at all he just has no libido!

Hi everyone..lurker here.
I just wanted to say that this post has struck a chord with me as well. It seems like this is an issue in so many relationships these days.

I guess everyone just assumes that in a relationship then man is always up for it, wanting to have sex every night 3 times a night, and its the woman who is always "too tired" or not in the mood.

I think that once you get into a cycle of problems they carry on feeding the problem. So for your husband who has "had problems maintaining an erection" his way of dealing with that is to not have sex. Some people who don't have sex, then don't want it, hence the low libido.

It is almost self presevation "I can't get it up so I won't try. I will say I have a low sex drive and that will be enough".

He promises to go to do the doctor but won't.

He sounds like a wonderful man. So sit and talk to him, as others have suggested and be candid "I adore you. I want us to have hot and steamy sessions between the sheets. It doesn't have to be penetrative but I want us to be close and intimate".

You sound like in all other respects you have a great relationship so approach this together.

I am sure it is "fixable" on some level and therefore you want to avoid an affair on any level with somebody else.

Your DH will not see this other person as a FB. He will see him as a threat to the foundation of your relationship.

And what will taht do for his self esteem and libido?

it's hard on the ego to face rejection but you have to consider the big picture... men are just as sensitive (if not more) as women and are under alot of pressure to 'perform'. if he feels insecure about his ability and size, he's bound to be put off.

he needs built up, not condemnation. why does he have to prove to you that he's bothered? of course he's bloody bothered! you're being counter productive by trying to provoke a reaction. he clearly is SO bothered by it that he doesn't want to face it.

try to focus on other things just now and arrange some relationship counselling.

Paitientpartner - I am looking at this from the perspective of a frustrated husband but its good to see that women face the same problem.

blinks I wanted to see that he is bothered but I am sick and tired of being rejected. He tells me that he will try and sort it, and then sits back and does nothing.

In my head I feel so rejected and unattractive to him, after last week it would have been nice to actually see him trying to get some help, taking some positive steps, because at least that way I wouldnt still be left thinking that he is only doing it because I am pushing him, he doesnt actually want to have sex with me, and if I didnt try and and sort this out then he would never initiate/want to have sex with me again.

If those feelings dont get pushed out of my head, if they are allowed to continiue to grow, then it will be FB guy, or my old boss, or whoever. And whoever said it was right, it would destroy our relationship, dh is never going to stand back and say "get yourself away out sweetheart and get a good fucking, have a nice time". It would destroy him, it would destroy us, and most importantly it would destroy our family.

I think if he knew that the problem had got to the stage where yuo were actively considering looking outside of the marriage, then it might actually motivate him to address the issue.