ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Getting, I lived in Italy a few yrs back & I threw a party on the night Ire played Italy in the world cup. When Ireland won they all went storming off........ . The Italians take their football oh so seriously!

Well I have dug deep into my compassionate soul & reoffered exh the stuff he kindly told me to ram up my arse . Also mentioned in text that I had found a v expensive ring belong to him (I am using the word found here v loosly) . Exh had someone at my door 15mins later to collect stuff! Could have easily sold the lot of it & it would have made small dent in money he has screwed me out of but am trying to tell myself I've done the right thing. Mind you I have spent my life doing the right thing & still seem to get fu*ked over . Still.........

starting that was good of you I usually do right thing too and one of reasons I like this thread is so many of you dumplings also always act honourably makes me realise I am not a doormat but am retaining my integrity. Anyway as per my last posting justice is always meted out even if by an invisible hand as not only that but Portsmouth got relegated this season exh other football obsession !!

Good friend about to arrive lets hope I can go easy on the Pinot had couple of sad chats with sister and stepmother they all sound in shock.

getting - hope you had a nice evening with your friend

starting - that's very virtuous of you. I don't think I would have been so good in your situation

H is being generally supportive, but I feel he's made too many assumptions about how well I am going to cope - most of the fathers we know have taken at least their two weeks paternity, if not more. H has booked a training course at work for part of this week and most of next, meaning he can't really come out of the office during the day (although he has been mostly ok at helping later in the mornings and getting back a bit early. I do resent that he has assumed I'll be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler during most of the day, straight away!

I'm not feeling positive about our future at the moment as he doesn't seem to be changing at all - he's still a blank person to me emotionally, and it will be interesting to see if relate does anything for us.

I am, however, feeling positive about myself and my ability to cope. Learning to manage my life with both children - and the feelings at the moment can be very complicated (I'm sure you all know how it feels if your older child hits your younger vulnerable one!) but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself or DS!

Anyway, this evening I've managed to have a lovely bath and do my nails while munching my way through a box of chocs (a friend sent me a huge thorntons delivery for my birthday) and DD has slept all evening except for a couple of small feeds

I hope you dumplings are all having good evenings too. I'll be heading to sleep soon I suspect.

Chairmum, sorry to hear you're not feeling too positive atm about h. Hopefully things will turn around for you with Relate.

Exh behaving like a dickhead again about access. My virtue was rewarded by a text saying see you in court . Am going to try to meet a rl friend in awhile to release the rage/sadness/frustration.

Oh starting your H is a monumental poo! Good on you though for being so good yesterday.

Supermum you are doing well but he should have made sure he was still available to help. Really hoping Relate does help.

My DD really was seriously jealous of DS and deliberately hurt him a lot in the early days. I confess I got cross far too often in those days and expected far more of her (being the elder one). Still guilt ridden 17 months down the line You sound like you're handling it all marvellously. Fingers crossed your lovely girl continues to be an absolute star x

Hi Tea, my ds was the same with dd when she learnt to crawl. It's like he suddenly became aware of the competition. I too am ashamed to say I didn't handle it too well at times & snapped at ds. I can feel guilt ridden for every time I raise my voice or snap at them. It's hard to be a perfect mum 24/7 though!

Only just got youngest two to bed & have someone here for awhile so I'm taking advantage & going to pop out to rl friend for an hr. Am feeling really down about exh being so difficult/horrible/nasty at every turn.

Yes my counselor says I have a major issue in wanting to be perfect in all things

Enjoy time out. I'll be glad when it's not so light in the evening, as it doesn't help with getting them off to sleep, neither does the heat. I shouldn't complain really though, as I love sunny days.

Glad to see you're kind of coping Chair. Sounds like you're doing far better than I did with two small ones

Tea - hopefully your counsellor is ok with constant serenity if perfection is problem

Starting, sorry XH being a twunt. Hope your trip to RL friend made you feel better.

I saw counsellor today for an ad-hc catch up as was getting annoyed about twunt XH and finding his attitude to DS a problem. 30 mins of transactional analysis and I feel fine now . I just need to stick with adult - adult and think assertive caring rather than persecute rescue and I'll be sorted. Working on it.

Tea, I used to have major issues with perfectionism also but have come a long way tg . Bright nights & dc's going to bed later has me worn out!

Happy, glad you are back on track after visit to counsellor . I had to jump out of that whole persecute/victim/rescue triangle a long time back aswell . Remember googling the drama triangle a few years back & it was quite an eye opener . It's amazing the way our behaviour can be so caught up in being triggered & reacting without even realising it. The good thing is once you recognise it you jump out of that triangel pretty fast .

Well am all calm & serene again after visit to friend . Within a few mins she reminded me that exh has court case for dv still pending for sept & that his solicitor will prob tell him to cop himself on. Had completely forgotten about court case still pending. Feel grand now, will just continue to detatch & leave the twat off. If he does bring me to court will just deal with that when it arises but I'm going to stand my ground & not allow myself be bullied . He may also of course be deliberately doing this as an excuse to get out of doing parenting course

I can relate to the perfectionism issues ladies - both in myself and my expectations of others

I am snapping at DS and feeling guilty about it, but I am doing well (for the moment) at forgiving myself - and trying not to let my feelings about the hitting affect how I am with DS the rest of the time, cos I know that withholding affection - however annoyed I am - will really hurt DS

starting - glad you've rediscovered your serenity

Happy - good to see that the counselling helps. Hope things aren't too bad with your DS at the mo

I'm doing a bit of housework this morning then off to a BBQ with H's family - but at least it will get it all out of the way even if it won't be the most comfortable afternoon!

Wow ive been in vicious circles and now im going to learn about drama triangles ,thats my weekend sorted ,my computer will be smoking by the end of this ,Education,Education,Education.

Miaow ,i found it good to learn the same language as nursey use when discipling little ones its familiar and consistent.Its a huge upset having a new sibling but great your H is still involved ,means ds is getting lots of attention and i think thats whats important thru the transition.My ds was 15mths when dd was born so most of my problems were more investigating shiny squashy eyes or sitting on the bouncy chair when baby was already there.Also climbing up on side board when i was breast feeding and general life threatening exploration .

This was probably the stage that perfectionism went out the window ,this was more tribal survival

Have a great weekend everyone ,love and hugs x

broken stones paul weller mellow tune for a mellow day x

Ladies I am glad to report that by refusing to react to exh or engage in silly behaviour, I think there may finally be progress (I know I've thought that on numerous occassions before!). When I hadn't responded to "see you in court", more texts this morn about access. I didn't engage & just sent a text saying dc's were ready for collection whenever he'd like to collect them. More texts which I ignored & eventually someone came to my door with a letter outlaying access agreed in court order. I sent a text saying I would send a letter to clarify position with access as was agreed 3 wks ago. Typed up a letter explaining in black & white that access will be one day per w'end & mid week access to suit himself. That I proposed full flexibility which would allow him or me to be able to swap days if necessary etc. That he could have access to dc's for as long as he wished (I've always offered this).

I am hoping the penny has finally dropped as I got a message back asking could he have dc's wed aft. I am really hoping that he will stick to this now & start working with me instead of turning every thing into a battle.

Chairmum, it's v hard going when they are that close in age & when ds is so young aswell. You could try getting him to help you with dd as much as possible to involve him. Get him to help pass stuff to you when changing nappy etc. Either way it does settle down after awhile. Mind you mine still kill each other from time to time but at least dd isn't vunerable anymore .

chair I am newish and have got a hazy picture of where you and H are at - sounds like you have a lot to think about on top of having new baby and toddler... Hope bbq was good

Starting cant seem to get a handle on things with you at all except that your situation is incredibly eventful and not always in a good way but I can relate to remaining serene in face of exh lunacy although luckily I dont have too much of that.

So you dumplings are just sooo intellectual I googled drama thingy after reading earlier posting but it was all too much for me and I decided to stick to engaging in things at the twunt level of postings !!

Just had a lovely day out with DD had decided to really make an effort to pay her lots of attention as have been snapping at her lately . Even in gorgeous setting having lovely day find treacherous brain calculating today is exactly 6 months (Boxing Day oh joy)since exh left . On plus side just pondered didnt spoil anything for me just felt myself wishing I didnt even think it. So tiresome that never a day goes by when I dont give over head space to him particularly as I doubt I ever enter his head .

I have been posting on another thread about why its great to be a lone parent which is really helping keep me smiling and remembering that although there are lots of sad moments being dumped IS good for me and mine

Starting have to show ignorance whats a threadmill ?

Hi Getting, glad you had a nice day out with dd. It's v hard when exh's take up head space or when you remember the happier times .

By threadmill I meant a running machine like the ones in the gym. I took exh back briefly last year & came up with the bright idea that we'd move the toy room & exh could convert toy room into a gym as exh enjoyed going to the gym after work. Turns out it wasn't the gym he was frequenting after work & the rest is history. I then got left with a whopper of a gym sized commercial threadmill which he refused to take! It's just so great to have the room back again .

Loving your dignified, calm and consistent approach Starting ,treating this with positive energies that reflect back on you.Hope you have a peaceful evening.You are a shining star.

Gettin' glad you had a lovely day with ur daughter

Happy so glad you found some inner peace with your counsellor ,i am about to enter into the drama triangle world of knowledge ,wish me luck ,

Anyone watching glastonbury.anybody there just now, waves to all happy campers i would love to go to a festival with you lot and we could take all the dcs

Chairmum ,I can totally identify with the resentment feelings so i am just going to share what i have learned recently but take from it what you need[if anything ]and disregard the rest.This lady i was talking to recently said if i put out negative energies they will all come back upon me,everytime i told her why i was resentful she stopped me and said its all negative so i will reflect it back.she said if i hold onto negative thoughts and bring them up again and again i am putting life into these negative thoughts and will make myself ill and tired because i am filling my body with negative energies.She said that i should think of all the positive things about a situation and take each day as it comes but to rid myself of resentment and blame ...end of[she is very secure in herself this lady and gave me a real talking to about it .]Anyway Miaow i just thoght i would give it a try cos i def did look for more reasonable behaviour from some people and it truly upset me when they didnt come up to that standard and i did resent them for years.I didnt think this plan would work but being able to feel cross then let go and move forwards is a Fecking miracle to me i am just disciplined about it now cos i know it will make me unhappy cos it will be reflected back on me as if the other person is holding a mirror up.All i know is people are treating me better and my life is happier ,you have probably fallen asleep now with my waffling but all im saying is give it a go you can always go back to resenting ur H next week lol!Think it all means letting our inner light shine brightly without others inconsiderate behaviour causing US to dim our OWN light if that makes sense.Just acknowledge your feelings and move forwards so you dont have resentment building up inside of you ,free yourself up for positive energy

Also just remembered another time when dd was breast feeding, i was feeling contented until i realised Jack Russell was licking baby sick off my shoulder at the same time.Again perfectionism was lost that day .Gosh it all goes by so quickly next thing you know they are pulling the letters off your laptop and dancing to Lady Gaga.

How did your veg get on Miaow any other gardening dumplings out there,i am growing dahlias for the first time this year [i am very excited by this it has taken me years to get some autumn colour in my garden] and planted some lettuce in a grow bag for the kids put a crystal [tourmaline]for protection will let you know how we get on.

Hugs to everyone x

Maybees, I agree certainly that a negative attitude will attrack more negativity & visa versa. I have done my best to live by this approach for many years. It didn't stop exh being a twunt but it did stop me getting caught up in a world of bitterness/blame/resentment etc.

My gardening is limited to trying to stop dog digging holes in the grass at present . The new grass I planted is just about to come up & the little sha*r dug another two holes today!!

Anyway, I think my life has become too boring. I was sitting next to a man briefly today & before I knew it I had closed my eyes & was in a deep fantasy about having sex . Oh God I am really beginning to miss sex.......

Another thing that has been on my mind with all this talk of perfectionism is how the hell did so many women with perfectionist tendencies end up with such imperfect men??!!?? . Anyone any ideas about that?? Have we unwittingly stumbled on a link??

I agree Startin it aint no magic wand but it is certainly helping me let go sooner of pain and that must be a good thing ,also i am going thru a forgiveness stage that has taken months to get to ,i think if i had met afore mentioned lady sooner on my journey i might have decked her and told her where to shove her effing energies lol!

By the way hope everyone is getting some "Tops off" eye candy moments isnt the summer great for seeing half naked men .

Who was this bloke Startin,did he have his shirt off?

Evening all.

F* heck have just watched Pet Shop Boys on Glasto (with PIL who are staying . Loved it - I'm there next year in the dumplings tent.

We have not mentioned Bald Eagle.

likewise Maybees it's been a slow journey for me too & I think the right people have always been put in my way to teach me new stuff.

Now if it was only so easy on the sex front . It was not that this man was particularly good looking or anything, or that I'd even have been remotely interested in him. It was more a case of my desperate lack of sex being triggered by something as simple as sitting beside a male body .

When I think about it I become slightly depressed as I'm so tied down with dc's I really have no possibility of meeting anyone even if I wanted to. The most socialable place I go to is the bloody supermarket ...........

There's no solution really. I would just like to be able to click my fingers some night & have a man appear in my bed who would kindly dissappear as soon as I was satisfied ..........

i think that counts as considering your feelings ..... what do you feel ....Please can you organise Glastonbury it will be mega !

That should have said nights.........one night would not be enough to quench my thirst!

Happy, glad PIL visit is going well so far. Defo count me in for Glasto.........who knows could even manage a quickie in tent .

Starting, I don't want to make you wait a whole year but maybe Glast next year is the place .