ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Nite nite Maybee - had to give up on Gasto

party why so much analysis keep seeing him until you have least established the size of his dick !!

Not really but its true at 16 you just fancied someone or you didnt but at 44 with dcs theres so much more to consider . NOT that I am having to give any airspace to it as havent actually encountered new man.

Count me in for Glasto

Dumplings I need a mini boost today.

This pm I have to go to ds football presentation and I am DREADING it because I feel all the other parents are going to be mentally pointing at me saying "look theres poor jane who got dumped"

Historically exh dealt with ds football (its quite a big thing in our house ds plays for good team) and although in the last 9 months we share the duties I have never gone beyond the smile and wave from a distance apart from odd chat. Today I will have 3 hours of mingling to do although helped by England game as a distraction.

Dont understand why I feel humiliated within that group of people know in reality our split is very old news . Do worry that ds is going to be only boy there without a Dad in attendance but he seems ok so why am I so het up

Mum says look your best go in smiling with your 2 lovely dcs and everyone will think "why on earth did he leave them" not poor her.

Equivalent to dumpling motto of chin up tits out I suppose !!

Wow much chat last night on here, will catch up later.

Off out for the day to park and picnic, as it's my birthday (did I say?) with lots of friends and kids

Getting - put your best rags on and heels, make up etc, make yourself looks fab. Why not! Go in chin up, tits out (as Maybee's says) and hold your head with pride!

Your H is the twunt, not you love. You deserve better and are a good woman. Remember that. Nothing to be ashamed of here x

Dont worry about others Gettin just have a lovely day supporting your ds.Stay in the moment enjoy meeting people ,you are not a victim you are a survivor coming out the other side ,remember there may be someone there who might have a single male friend looking for a date in a few months time ,always advertise your positives and if you have a confidence dip just remember you have DUMPLING POWER behind you ,Chin up,Confident tits out !

Happy Birthday tea

Thanks tea and maybees its true need to remember am survivor not victim and have done a good job.

Will report back later

Happy, I am indeed able to tune into Glasto have a similiar version of sky plus .

Getting, hope you enjoy your day with ds. It's the person who walks out on a marriage for selfish reasons that is the failure not the person who tried everything to save the marriage.

Tea, picnic sounds fab hope you have a great birthday.

Discovered something about exh last night that threw a bucket of cold water on my craving for sex. Have wondered about posting this on here but I am at a stage that I no longer think it matters what I post. Anyway, exh is with a 24 year old & has placed an advert on a swinger site posing as a 44 year old (he's 54). The whole thing is just so sordid & seedy. He has a daughter from his first marriage that's 24. I promised myself last night that I would not let myself get into turmoil about this bth I am here with dc's & just fighting back the tears. This is the man I am handing my three beautiful dc's over too

Btw if anyone is thinking maybe I deserved this & by being the cause of his first marriage breaking up, that's not the case. He was separated years before I met him for different reasons, I am friendly enough with his first wife.

starting - I think you need to do a potted version of your life on here for us newbies , most curious where do you live ? Sorry to hear you're having such an awful day if it wasnt for your dc,s you could stick to pitying someone who needs to knock 10 years off their age and is involved in sordid doings.

Well football thing was fine dont know what I was worrying for.

Tomorrow is exh birthday he has been away with ow this weekend , another "first" that has to be got through . He is picking dc,s up at 4pm and taking them out that will feel funny I always made quite a fuss of birthdays.

I seemed to have got to a stage where all the adrenaline and energy that has propelled me through the last 6 mths has gone . I dont feel serene as such just sort of empty like I am mentally hibernating. Think this may continue until I get his financial offer which cnat be far away now.

Chairmum - are you ok ? How was the family do ?

Anyway just got nice cold beer going to chill having got through today with flying colours

Quickly - Starting. They are a different person than when they were with you. I completely understand your upset. It doesnt seem right but its time for serenity and handing things over to the universe. With regards to him and the kids I would be keeping a diary of when access was granted - and what of the access he has taken up. And any comments/happenings around it. You need to keeep a record that may prove useful in the future.

Starting, sounds like good advice from MumFun. What a twunt your XH is, you are truly so well shot of him.

GettingEasier sorry you are not feeling so good - one step at a time and I know you will get through it. Glad footie was ok. I found the XH birthday strange too - wanted to make it ok for DCs and encouraged "dad time" but then Bald Eagle chose to spend it with OW so kind of gave up after that. Was sad for DCs but equally, it's hard to encourage them to ring dad up on the day when you know dad is off with OW somewhere and that XH has decided not to tell DCs about OW in case they get the wrong idea . Right idea more like it.

I don't know, I think we maybe should all go live in a commune and just ship a few guys in occasionally for satisfaction (if that's possible)

Ladies I want to thank you all so so much for your support & thanks for all the private messages too. It has really really helped. I have shed quite a few tears today. Eldest dd was invited to a friends house for the aft which at least gave me a bit of breathing space. Did a movie afternoon for other two & gave them loads of treats to get a bit of space. Have a party tomorrow with dc's & had offered to bring some food & cakes so dc's had fun helping me with the cakes.

Getting, I prefer not to say where I'm located as I need to protect dc's from all of this. Sorry to hear you're feeling down but it's all part of the healing process.

Mumfun, thank you so much your words have brought me a lot of comfort. I think I was getting confused & thinking this is who I was living with but you are right when you say he's a different person now. I need to remember that the nice man I married & had dc's with was who he was at the time. I do keep a record of everything about access & tbh rightly or wrongly right now I wish he was no longer in their lives.

Happy, thank you so much.

I know you have all suffered the same as me & I thank you for your kind words to help me with this.

Hello I haven't been on since yesterday morning. Glad things were ok at Football Getting.

Commune sounds good Happy

Starting - I would find it all very disturbing if I found out my H was on a swingers site. It's also disturbing one of his children from his first marriage is the same age as his current beau too. To me anyway, tis weird! And as for posing as a 44 year old, it would make me very uncomfortable. I've found with my H that a lot of what he does now makes me feel horrid and I wonder if he was always like that and I made a horrid mistake marrying him. Mumfun speaks wise words. Hoping you feel ok today, sending you a ((hug))

Mumfun I need to remember that too -exh is no longer man I spent first 7 years of relationship with and its a relief that even though he has left and is with ow hes not turned back into that lovely man . I thought he would and that would prove that it was being stuck with me that was making him horrid.

Birthday is going to be hard he bought me a card and £100 of J Lewis vouchers for my bd but I really dont want to even verbally wish him hbd especially after way he spoke to me last week throwing ow in my face. Will make myself scarce when he picks up dcs after school and hope I can avoid seeing him.

More positively have a careers advice session today - think forward getting !!

Hi Getting, birthdays etc can be v hard. Why not get dc's to pick a present & card for him & leave it at that? Did he give you the vouchers after you'd split up? If so that makes it a little more complicated.

Sorry if I seemed abrupt in my response about where I'm located but I would be afraid of outing myself too much in rl & have dc's, myself & family to protect. I've posted a lot of stuff on here so could be easy enough to identify me & stuff with xh is just so horrific.

Hi Tea, I am trying so hard to not torture myself with all of this. I also try not to think of my marriage as having been a failure, I look at my dc's & think of how I've managed to be a good mother & role model despite everything. My marriage has been my biggest life lesson so I try to hold onto that.

I need to allow myself time to heal again over this & then hopefully I will get my sense of humour back again & be back here with my usual witty commentry.

Starting thats ok I understand completely just sorry you have had and continue to have such crap with your exh.

Yes vouchers were 4 months after our split but I think it was guilt that motivated him , cant think what else and it seemed odd. Apart from anything else exh is still paying for everything and it seems a nonsense to give him something he will effectively paid for. Also I have nothing to feel guilty about he dumped me. The dcs have cards and presents to give him later , we have both been good about observing Mothers/Fathers day rituals so yes I shall leave it at that . After all he has his lovely ow to give him gifts now.

As previously posted I seem to have reached a stage where I feel numb about everything and would quite happily just sit staring into space. I am determined not to become depressed although I recognise thats the stage in the bereavement cycle I have come to. Thus far I have been able to focus on the positives mostly how well the dcs have dealt with our split and how there has been no interuption in service in their lives.

Logically I know that we will not be on the streets and exh will be reasonable about money and not all dumplings can say that .

Problem is I see how completely I fall into the category of wife who has stayed at home for years sheltering under the wing of her husband and now peering out into the real world I feel terrified. How many magazine articles have I read over the years exhorting women to avoid doing just that and keep independence of some kind. Of course I always felt smug in the knowledge my husband would never do that to me . Given the poor state of our union over the last 5 years or so I dont know what planet I was on really.The planet Denial I suppose.

ANYWAY I have bought myself the Wet2Straight straightners recommended and will amuse myself(and anyone watching!) having a go and doing my hair. I need to pull myself together and count my blessings just need to get through this birthday thing.

Starting looking forward to your witty words - enjoyed Beauty postings on the old thread what happened to her ? Promise not to ask anymore awkward questions and thanks for responding to me x

Grr we Dumplings shouldnt feel guilty about our marriages. It takes 2 people to be committed to a marriage and if one checks out - you cant keep it going on your own.

Getting - yes his gift sound like guilt/habit. Ive stopped all gifts from me but do keep buying the stuff from the DCs. It makes them so happy - they went mad with joy buying the Fathers Day present in M & S. People were very kind and just indulged them as little kids as they made loads of noise in the shop and jumped up and down and in and out in the queue to pay. Im lucky too in that my H does pay - he will longer term but I wonder will he try to use some of the money to control me, Ive seen a couple of lawyers and they say directly that they would never advise a woman in our position jut to rely on payment from ex H.

Its tough in that I did have a very good well paying career but it just isnt compatible with raising small kids. And I am losing knowledge with being out of it now a while.

I am definitely going to buy those straighteners too -I need sorting out badly at present!

I agree birthdays are tough. I took mine away on my birthday this year to stay with and see cousins/aunts and it was the best decision.

Starting Im with Tea and would be very uncomfortable with H posing as 10 years younger and seeing someone same age as daughter.

Happy Im very into the commune idea -it was being talked about by a certain group of frineds as a longstanding joke - but thats the one OW belongs to so nono now

Im on another forum where there is a lot of wisdom posted so will try to distil some of it for here. Later

Hmm Mumfun - mysterious all wisdom welcome ..

Once I settle with exh I will know whats what and how quickly I will need to supplement income. He has said verbally he will cover us for next year dd starts secondary school september and I have asked that she has the same from me as ds had ie me around full time . Feel fortunate that he is in honourable in finance department although earns a lot so isnt going hungry to do it . On the other hand is often the good earners that are the meanest.

Whatever the case I want to be on course to have done training/learning whatever it takes to be far less reliant on him in a years time and asap only needing him for dcs but at 44 with a very vague career history living in very expensive part of the world I know self sufficiency is a way off. Interesting exh is controlling hasnt used money to do that so far however loves going on and on about hhard he works and uses work as an excuse at times knowing I have no equivalent to speak of[anger]

Actually without hesitation I can say the thing I miss least is the heavy weather he made about going to work particularly as this (he felt)was his pass to "popping" out drinking every night and commandeering the weekend as his own because after all I had all week to do what I wanted . I wonder who will be looking after my dcs every evening and weekend when I work full time ...!!

So dumplings hard to believe I know but in RL I can be quite funny and more so positive and I know this hasnt come out at any point since I tagged along to Dumpling world a week ago its just been moan moan moan. I would love to say dont worry I will be brightning this thread any day now but cant promise.

In the meantime can I reiterate how much this site / thread means to me already am starting to get how people get involved in cults !! x

Went out for walk once exh picked up kids and on my way back there they are in his fucking mid life crisis car right in front of me waiting at the junction no break in traffic for him to pull out or me to cross the road -arghh.Its obvious hes been with them to the golf club where ow works and had a birthday drink up there and now I have to wave cheerily to them as they go off for birthday meal when what I want to do is look straight through him.

I am so fucking sick of seeing him time and time again in his stupid car knowing he has been to see ow who works a stones throw from where we live but what can I do the dcs love this shitty little town and their friends etc etc.

God I am turning into a nasty bitter ex wife who cant move on and harbours thoughts of exh,s demise EVEN at the expense of the dcs who adore him

oh and WTF did I give myself this nickname for because it certainly isnt apt at the moment

Even the pope would be a little miffed in your situation! Don't be so hard on yourself. It is horrid to have these feelings of rage but it's so so normal. I have bouts of them too

It does feel like it's under your nose which makes it worse, it's the injustice of it really as well.

I have gone through the rage big time.Its on eof the stages you have to go through. It was scary for me as Im not generally an angry person so scary seeing what I was capable of.

I would be so hacked off by OW being close. Thank goodness she lives reasonably far.

Oh dumplings my dcs have just got home from a lovely bbq with ow and her kids and I am handling it like thr opposite of a pro and they can see ive been bawling. Please let it be true what goes around etc thankyou for your support . I so want to text him saying how much I hate him but not going to.

It will be better tomorrow

Getting, so sorry with what you're going through atm, it must be very raw & hard. You have to trust that this will get easier in time. Over the past 12mts I have found the strength to deal with stuff I never thought possible & still come out of it laughing. It just takes time & you have to allow yourself to shed the tears. It sounds awful having ow so close by & being triggered all the time . I guess there's no easy answer except hopefully it'll get easier with time. I have to pass xh's work on a regular basis & can be really triggered at times as it's glass fronted & you've no choice but to stop directly outside it . Always feel free to ask anything you want getting & if I can't answer I'll just side step it . I spent a long time stuck or moving back into the grief stage but it defo gets easier with time. Glad to hear you treated yourself to straighteners . Also glad you are getting positivity from the thread so keep dumping.

Mumfun, agree totally that it is v hard to keep career going at the same time as having young dc's. I am also losing my skills now & can be hard pressed to even spell properly at the best of times now . Going back to college gave me a great boost but saying that am now at a crossroads with that too & not sure I'll manage to juggle it next year. GRRR Men have it so easy .

Had a lovely action packed day today with dc's & met loads of friends in the process. The thing about taking 10 yrs off tbh is the least of it for me, he does actually easily pass for 10yrs younger. It's the rest of it that makes me physically sick. I mean ffs swinging! He rang tonight to talk to dc's & I had those awful feelings of hurt, pain, disbelief, rage of the initial weeks after separation . Had to do deep breathing to calm myself & had urge to grab phone from dd & tell him he was a fu*king pervert!