ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

I know what you mean startin this week has flown by with dcs activities,needed several cups of rose tea to get thru it all but I am recognising my stomach churning shoulder tightening countdown to crossness for the first time in my life and I am going to keep working on my quest for inner peace I really think it will help my self respect if i can control my negative emotions.I need to sit with them when I feel them coming closer and not go down a path that will make these feelings stronger.I am also trying not to re energise past negativity ie when someone did me wrong in the past all I am doing is bringing those feelings back upon myself .This is a major change in my life ,but I cannot change anyone elses behaviour I can only change my own and how I cope with other peoples negativity .Now I feel it is best to move forwards with the new maybees .Still working on the forgiveness thing at least 90%there with H not started on the other people yet but had a really good day with D Sis .Read this thing about carrying a lot of heavy books and one by one you can put them down as you forgive others,you are lightening your load but it has to be thought about so you don't ever bring up why they wronged you and use it against them.Indeed I will have to seek forgiveness from others to.Dignity and serenity where often in short supply in the early months and previous years

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
The courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference

Mumfun I saw these glam magnetic bracelets in my wa wee woo shop the other day dont know if thats of any help.I just love the peaceful times in my house now with H gone so understand what you mean about not wanting to feel your hs bad temper.Just think when ur cross you are even crosser after a blow out and it fills you with toxins .I just want to be round warm fuzzy people just now ,being positive seems to make my family and friends like me more,strangely enough,lol.

Waves to Pink how's ur summer going ,mate ?

Happy hope youve booked in for a massage with a muscular young man.

How is the world cup doin any handsome strikers i should be checking out ?

Tea hope your good and having lovely times with dcs x

Chairmum you are wonderful,congratulations on your first class delivery.Baby Anya Rose what a lovely time of year to be born ,wishing you peace and joy with your little bundle x

sorry about double post think laptop getting a bit twitchy

going out for a picnic tomorrow meant to be a real hot one so another official "TAPS AFF" day !

Dutch how are you doin ,tough week for you big hugs xxxxx

Waves to all. Maybees what's a "TAPS AFF" day?? You sound really positive & lovely to read your post.

Exh still behaving like a twat with access. Poor dd tackled him about it today on phone & believe this or not he hung up on her!!!!!!!!! Fu*kwit . After that she said she was no longer going to make him a father's day card for tomorrow so I said we'd buy one instead. She picked a card that says the following "I may have mum's looks & brains but I've got something of yours which is far more precious (outside with a pic of a slobbish man watching telly)..........(then inside) the tv remote control!! She said it's really the perfect card mum especially as I do have the remote now that he doesn't live with us............

Says it all really!

Also if you can,kick off your shoes and stand barefoot on the grass, take a moment of contemplation to help you lose your negative energises that you have taken on board that day and feel yourself become more grounded ,take care x

Tops off (for everyone that doesnt come from the west of scotland lol!)

FWIW cant believe him Startin, you are such a fab mum take strength from that x

Really trying my best with my self esteem issues,someone told me this week if i strengthen my self respect it is like drawing a line as strong as a laser beam so that others dont cross it with petty comments that would hurt me.I also think I will be better to cope with criticism that would previously have floored me or caused me to become defensive.Its the letting go of hurtful comments and not over analysis,just sit with them for a bit allow myself to feel the emotion,not repress it ,then move on !

Think ive got years of resentment and blame that is affecting my day to day life and i am going to have a massive clear out and make room for happier times x

Thanks Maybees, had a good chat with dd afterwards about exh & think she's as good as can be now. Had a lovely day in sun so all in all things are good really. Think this just proves it's for the best that he sees so little of them really. Will have to monitor the situation with dd. She can see through him at this point & pulls him up on lies which is why he hung up on her. Exh can't cope with criticism of any type & turns it on other person. Will just have to continue to watch things.

TAPS AFF indeed! & will defo take shoes off on grass tomorrow .

Maybees, you are sounding fantastic. It took me years of counselling to get to where you are, well done........

lady sovereignDoesnt it feel much better ,when you have a better day than yesterday....

Its all a journey Startin but I am open to advice now HUGE difference think i was just so repressed emotionally and therefore immature think I attracted a similar type in H and the rest is history just kept tripping myself up and not realising I was doing it to myself again and again always wanting to blame people if they had hurt me instead of moving on and being content just being me. I wanted them to apologise or get their comeuppance but that doesnt matter ,years of resentment ate me up and I couldnt just be HAPPY anymore just angry and bitter .Just so much negativity and I was giving that out to others.Nobody actually knew the real me anymore,I had lost touch with myself,disrespecting myself and disrespecting others.I have had so many messengers recently its uncanny,people who I share with can point out my weaknesses ,but instead of taking offence i can take what i need and get POSITIVE its like shaking off chains....

Thankyou so much Startin for all your support
and to everyone who has ever posted on this thread with help and advice ,forgive me if I ever seemed offended ,that is one of the depts that i am working on x

Also been meaning to post this for a while ,you get these clips for your bra that pulls the straps together so you can wear halter neck,racer back vests etc but also makes you a cup size BIGGER !Have been meaning to order some will let you know when I have tested them out .

Maybees, I am so glad for you, regardless of whatever happens now with your h you are on the road to happiness.

That is the reason I always let go whatever exh does. I might vomit it on here or to a friend in RL but that is just to enable me to let it go & get back to being serene & peaceful. It's the only way that works, anything else is self damaging & besides we are only responsible for our own behaviour.

Will wait with baited breath about the bra thingy .

Yep,Chin Up and even BIGGER tits out!

Hi to
all you dumplings from a new face who has been guilty of "lurking" on this thread for the last 2 days. I came onto MN for the first time yesterday and have sat reading all 816 postings on here.

Please be patient I dont get all the acronyms etc yet but I will learn. I wanted to post something straight away before I chickened out , I dont do FB or any sort of computer stuff but I have been blown away by the different stories and the advice and support on offer here and after a good cry I am want to get involved !

My exh left me and our 2 children on Boxing Day and although there was OW involved our marriage was on its knees anyway. To be brief he treated us pretty badly going out drinking every night (literally)for around the last 10 years (we were together 17)and was a selfish self obsessed person who I spent years trying to please and become the wife I thought he wanted.

There has been so much humiliation to deal with starting with the fact even though he did most of the bad behaviour he was the one who left me !! Then the fact he got together with OW almost immediately - how do you do that after 17 years with someone ? And then the worst is why didnt he love me the sense of rejection etc etc. I read a posting on a different thread from a single mum that she cant believe the way so many of her married friends bend/change/adapt just to remain married. That made me wince because that was me burying my head in the sand , terrified to give up my financial security and just finding ways to be happy in an unhappy situation.

I am proud to say that I have handled the split really well and havent engaged in any mu slinging or behaviour that I might regret. Apart from a dozen or so mournful texts at the beginning I have kept my distance and my dignity intact.I think this has perplexed exh as he wouldve predicted hysteria and emotional breakdown at his departure.

Now we are moving to the stage where I have to sell the house and sort out money , divorce etc . I am coping ok and to be fair he is doing everything he can to be considerate and fair about things and in rl I know that isnt always the case.

As per lots of postings its the little things that hurt, as its Fathers Day I dropped the dcs ? at his place which I havent seen before and seeing his car parked outside this other house felt weird and btw I hate handing the dcs over to him -when does that get easier ?

Anyway I am stopping now because I could go on and on but just to say thankyou all you other dumplings for making me realise I am not alone even though logic says thousands of people divorce but reading your stories brings that to life and although my friends have been and continue to be amazing everyone I know is happily (hmm)married and it gets lonely especially when you were lonely for years before.

My next posting will be more positive which I usually am but feeling sorry for myself today !

Hi Gettingeasier, so glad you decided to post & join us. Reading your post I could identify with a lot of what you posted i.e. the lengths we went to trying to keep our marriages intact & losing ourselves in the process etc. You sound like you've come a long way in a v short period, well done. Have you had counselling?? You sound v together.

This is a place where we post the bad stuff as well as the good so don't be trying to only post positive stuff. Post how you're really feeling & it'll help you to let it go a bit. We all have good days & bad days so our posts vary.

If your feeling bored some night & looking for light entertainment, you can catch up on our other threads too . As you will see from the post this is our 4th thread (first one started last Nov if I remember correctly).

How old are your dc's? The handing over will get easier with time. Your first visit to his new house was bound to be hard as will the first of all the days such as father's day etc. Keep posting & welcome aboard .

Back out to the sun for me, had only come in for water..........

Ladies I have just come back in from garden to give you all a laugh. Eldest dd changed her mind this morn & made exh a card afterall. We had bought his present ages ago & I thought she had picked out two things for him. When I pulled out bag it turned out one thing was for her teacher at end of year. So she only had a mug for exh (still was £10!). Anyway, just as she was leaving she said she should have got him something else to go with mug. I always keep a few reserve items such as boxes of chocs etc in house for such occassions. So I told her not to worry, I'd run back in house & get her something to go with it. Went to get chocs & then thought wtf I could enjoy these with a cuppa some night myself. Went to spareroom where I've stuff ready to off load to charity & grabbed a book that exh HAD BOUGHT HIMSELF [grin), still in plastic wrapping so had never been opened. I handed it to dd & said he'll love this it's one of his favourite books . Wonder if he'll remember he bought it himself . He used to obsessively buy books & loads of them are new still in plastic wrapping so actually I might hold off on giving them to charity & give them to him on birthday's & xmas's for the next few years .

Back out to sun .

Hi starting over thanks for responding so quickly , I was feeling a bit sad checking the laptop every 5 minutes to see if there was a response - beginners nerves !

First of all I would love to read the previous threads , I will have a go at figuring out how to do that am new to MN and indeed being bold on a computer at all !!

Yes I am told I have come a long way in a short time and I think that is a lot to do with knowing despite all the angst etc deep down this is for the best. I am a great one for self help books which I have used a lot and had huge support from family and friends which I would never have expected.

Also a couple of years ago my dear exh told me I needed help something I had often had thrown at me and I decided actually he was right and so I started seeing a psychotherapist. Of course my initial motivation was to pursue perfect wife status but I have seen him regularly over the years and its been life changing for me. I still see him just to get a boost of strength and help me to be peaceful, calm etc as I am happy to say I am pretty issue free. He said to me a little while ago even in spite of everything I have going on now I am still in far better shape than when I first knocked on his door. So although it was through unpleasantness exh told me to get help it was the best thing I have ever ever done and I am certain if I had to embark on this journey before therapy I would never have coped the way I have !

My dcs are boy 13 and a girl 11 , they have handled things really well exh and I have been very good about doing everything as nicely as can be done and put them first etc and I think that has paid dividends even though at times I have longed to put the boot in for him and not be amicable and cooperative.

I am getting the impression that most of you dumplings have preschool children (in case of Miaow very much so !)and that you are lot younger than me -insert sad face - I am 44 .

Yes I can see from reading this thread that everyone has good and bad days and I dont have to be positive and I can already feel how great it is to let off steam to people in a similar boat all I have to do now is learn how to insert smileys and figure acronyms !

Bye for now

ps please tell me if I am making any MN virgin mistakes bit green with computer stuff

Hi Gettingeasier, I am just back in from garden for more fluid . I figured you must have had same counselling behind you as you sounded so together. I am similiar in that exh went for counselling first yrs ago & then pushed me for couples counselling. I've been seeing a fab psychotherapist on & off also down through the yrs. It helped me so much to cope with the break up & not to get caught up in bitterness or anger etc. Also like you I had got to deal with a lot of my issues yrs ago, this prob contributed to breakup as in a way I'd left exh behind but most of all meant I was in a really good place at time of breakup tg.

It's great that your exh is being amicable with regards to arrangements for dc's. That's half the battle & I still have not completely given up hope of achieving this with my own exh (but have a long way to go yet!).

Great that you have got good support from family & friends. You can also use thread here for the lonely times at night when you don't want to disturb friends etc .

You are not much older then me at all (37- but v soon to be 38). Happy & Pink are prob about your age if I remember correctly so we're not all here with pre-schoolers.

When you are typing a post it tell's you at the right hand side how to put in smileys etc. We were all novices here at one stage too so don't worry about that. If you want to do a search for the previous threads. At the top right hand corner of screen there is a button for advanced search. You can enter the thread title & it'll pull up the previous ones.

Hope you're managing to enjoy the sunshine & break from dc's .

I am ok, Maybees. Currently doing physio and Pilates exercises with dog, I kid you not. Friends have been very supportive, calling, emailing and sending cards. Even X has been absolutely lovely, taking us to the vet.

NY-er has gone on holiday, left on Friday night, not heard anything since but it was a very long flight. Bit nervous as he is visiting an ex-girlfriend (booked long before we met) I am not normally not jealous but this does make me a bit nervous.

Did get asked for ID buying wine not bad for girl in her mid-thirties.

I don't know - I pop off for a day or so and so many posts!

I have been naughty of late (as a result of evil work troubles and DC nightmares) and gone into a sad shell. This week I will be turning over a new leaf and getting "back on thread". Chair, if you stay awake I may even consider a DJHappy night on Friday to honour of the new baby (if people are around then?).

So much to comment on from the posts over the last day or so, but as I am essentially lazy I will just comment on your post only GettingEasier. Welcome to the Dumplings! You sound like you will already be an inspiration to us all. I also recommend that you read our old threads. There are some quite wild tales on them (ah the things that went on when we were younger).

And by the way GettingEasier (how can I abbreviate that?) I think I am older than most

Mixed day here but usually are when H is around but had a lovely day with the kids ,lots of factor 50 with my celtic skin tones .
Waves to everyone ,hi 5 to Gettin'
highs and lows you'll get it all here,

Glad to hear you are getting plenty support Dutch my advice is try and detatch from NYer while he s away and that might stop any un neccessary worries from doing your head in,sounds like youve got your hands full just now anyway xxxxx

Waves to Happy x