Its got so bad, but I need some perspective.

[Jazzicatz]

Hi all, I gave written on here a few times about my relationship with 'd'p but things have gone from bad to worse and I just wanted some sense that his behaviour isn't acceptable, or that i'm the one that needs to step back.

We have been together for 10 years and we have two gorgeous little boys. Our problems together go back years, but were particulaly bad after we had our first son. I suffered with PND and dp was very dismissive and left me just to get on with it. He had a business at the time that failed and we ended up living with him parents.

His family are wealthy and very controlling of dp, they want him to stay in the area and continue the family fortune. Everytime dp has got himself into financial difficulty, which is numerous times, his family bale him out. He had never really taken any real responsibility for his actions, he knows essentially his family will sort it out. This has put immense pressure on us as I hate the area we live in and don't really like his families interference in our lives.

I however, have neen trying to finish my PhD and worked sporadically and therefore was not in a position to pay for us to move, dp insisted we stayed and kept pressuring me to get a job and finish the PhD. I have now got a job, but work miles away. I have to stay away during the week and come home at the weekends, but the boys are now at school and dp is supposed to have flexibility in his 'job', which is with a family member.

Dp has a very traditional semse of gender roles and finds it difficult that I work away and that I focus on my job so much. He is currently 'punishing' me for being away and although I am home most weekends, holidays and for most of the summer, he still is being, in my opinion, unreasonable.

Now that I am back from work for 3 weeks, dp won't do any thing at all around the house - not that he does much anyway, he comes in really late, and leaves really early. He has taken the car so we are stranded in our village,when he does come home he is usually pissed. He insistes I either sleep with our youngest son in a single bed or on the floor or very small sofa. He won't contribute anything.

Every weekend when I get back he just disappears off and usually rolls in pissed around 7pm. I have to do all the housework left from the week, all the washing, the homework with the boys, shopping - basically everything. However, now he is off, and won't contribute anything.

My job is pretty full-on and I have no time in which to 'recover' before beginning again.

I'm knackered because of our sleeping arrangements, and just feel like a general skivvy.

Do I 'deserve' this behaviour for going away to work? What can I do?
Sorry its long - any advice very much appreciated.

Oh love, you sound so unhappy. And it's not surprising living in such miserable circumstances. I can't believe you having to sleep where you can

You already know what you need to do, but the obstacles (no money, no accommodation etc.) seem insurmountable.

But they aren't - you can take small steps towards achieving a better life for you and your sons, and each step will add to your goal. Until it is accomplished.

You should talk to WA. You need a voice on the other end of the line to bolster your confidence that this is the right thing to do.

Don't be rash. Use those research skills to work out the best way forward. Save what you can, find out what you are entitled to, examine the legal situation, plan ahead.

Once you have a plan in place, you will feel better, hopeful, empowered. I promise.

Are you scared of his family, of him? You're not that little girl any more - they can't get at you. They can't. You are a strong, sane, independent woman - he's just ground you down because of his inadequate, selfish personality. You can get up again and you can have your sons, your own space and build a happier life for yourself.

You just have to believe it, act on it and do it.

Be the strong, resourceful woman you are. x

I'm really genuinely touched by your replies and I know you are right in telling me to move out and leave him.

I will begin on Tuesday to put things in place. It will take time as I haven't got much money and all that, but as everyone has said, plenty of other women do it, so I should be able to also.

Thank you everyone.

Jazzicat: so much good advice, and we are all hoping you will take it.

Starting Tuesday, let us help you bit by bit. let's work out everything you need to do, and take each task one step at a time.

Every single one of us wants to see you out of that dreadful dreadful place. If we can help, please let us?

First things first, do your research, look at places to rent for you and the DC and then you know what kind of money you are going to have to get together.

You are an amazing woman who is being treated worse than most domestic animals. You have to get out, let us help you every step of the way.

Jazzicats: If you go and sleep in the bed while he's out and he comes home and physically puts you out of it, that's assault. You're not an animal.

I'm so sorry for banging on on this, but in the particular situation of Jazzicats, where she works away during the week, the important thing for her is to establish her role as the main carer before she can even contemplate to move out.

Otherwise she might end in a very bad place. Courts don't favour a mother over a father, or visceversa, and even convincing them the husband is a bloody psychopath does NOT necessarily mean she will get the children.

If they were to split right now, he is in a very porweful position with regards to the children:
-They are with him most of the week while Jazz only see them during the weekends.
-he very intrusive family he has, is a good point in court as well, as he can prove a network of support around him.
-The fact these children are likely to have strong relationships with the family and that they may be settled in the school (if they are of school age) would be VERY strong point for the courts not allowing the children to be moved away.

• As the children are with him 5 out of 7 days, he will be classed as the "parent with care". Therefore he gets to get the child benefit, which means Jazz can't apply for child tax credits, or other benefits (apart of job seekers allowance if she were to loose her job). In the eyes of the benefits office she will be seen as a single person with no children. So forget about housing benefit.

So, helping her to move out right now, is like helping her to shoot herself in the foot BIG time. Perhaps a good idea would be for her to try to spend as many nights with the children as possible, over the summer period to establish her position as a main carer.

If the position is unbearable at home, I would advice talking to someone of the organisations that offer advice on domestic violence cases (yes, emotional abuse, is also classed as DV), to get good advice on how to do it without compromising her position with regards to the children. And to start building a case should she need to bring the DV issue in court.

Obviously, as there is no court order drawn on who gets to get the children yet, she can take them with her to the area where he works without the consent of the father (who no doubt will oppose to such move), but things can get very bad before they get better.

I wish you well Jazz, but after seeing someone loosing her child that way, I highly advise you to get as much case specific advice on your situation from a solicitor AND an organisation like Womans Aid before attempting to leave the house.

I thought that is what would happen, even though for the past 7 years I have been primary carer and for every holiday and weekends I have sole responsibility of them. Might as well get used to the fact I will lose the boys to him. He has a rich supportive family, they are at a good school and dp was given a house so no woorries about where they will live.

With me they have nothing - a no brainer really!

It's not a no-brainer, please don't put yourself down. They might not have the material things but they would be with a much happier mum.

Although Mongolia makes a lot of sense the difference is that you are not married - unless he has a Parental Responsibility Order for the boys he has no right over them. I'm sure the law hasn't changed on that recently but please google it to find out more.

Do not get used to the fact you might lose your boys - it is highly unlikely.

The law changed in 2003 I think it was so he doesn't have parental responsibility over my eldest, but does the youngest.

I do apologise - you're right I just looked myself. It changed 1st December 2003. Sorry.

That aside, it's not a foregone conclusion that you will lose your children. I understand that that is your biggest fear but do feel that you need to start planning a future for the 3 of you.

Jazzi, I don't know if this is the worst advice ever - maybe someone experienced can add their thoughts?
But, you said he takes the car at weekends and comes home drunk. Could you ananymously shop him for drink-driving? It might help your custody case if he has documented problems with alcohol.

Perhaps you could resign from your job (not ideal I know) or see if you can take some unpaid leave to establish yourself as primary carer again. This really is a priority as they clearly have the money to pursue you endlessly through the courts.

Weekend been truly awful, I really can't wait til he goes back to work tomorrow. He is currently trying to take control totally and I'm really quite tired of it all. It's as if he wants to make me as miserable as anything - why would a man who has watched me give birth to his son's do this?

I really cannot understand his hatred - well I can, but its too long winded and boring to post on here.

I feel so tired and dispondent that I can't honestly see how I can sort everything out - feel truly helpless!

I feel for you Jazzicatz.
I am sorry I have nothing constuctive to add but didn't want to read and run.

Maybe it will help you cope with his behaviour if you put yourself on Countdown mode. You are mulling over plans now, about to take action and then you won't have to put up with this. You feel miserable and upset with him now but you're not in an everlasting sentence. Everyday that passes is bringing you closer to your happy life without him.

You are not helpless! You will get there.

Thank you wukter, I think you are right - its just so difficult than he chips constantly away at me. He is being deliberately divisive, especially with the boys, they are upset and the eldest is being quite rude to me.

I have been in touch with Women's Aid and to be honest they were very unhelpful and I would go as far to say I would never contact them again no matter how bad the situation became. Women's Aid have made the situation worse for me at home.

Jazzi - I'm so sorry to hear that you didn't have a good experience, why have they made things worse for you at home?

Jazzi, please see a solicitor. This is just not something that can continue, and your background and the systemic abuse is making you feel as if the situation is hopeless.

Mongolia, I absolutely understand what you're saying. I was coming from the understanding that the husband doesn't want custody of the children. He hasn't threatened custody. He has said that he won't drive to see the boys. He spends no time with the children, really.

Now, I agree that the family is likely to go guns blazing, so I also think this needs to move slowly and carefully, and legal advice is a must.

I was just responding to Jazzi's assumption that the boys will have a better life with their Dad, despite their Dad not showing any real interest in having them.

Mongolia -- they are not married, so some of what you advise may not apply.

Jazzi -- you must see a solicitor and find out your rights. That is Job Number 1. It is essential. And Women's Aid is not far behind. Promise yourself you will take these two steps.

Your 'DP' does not love the boys. What he has said to you is essentially that he is prepared to use them to keep you in his thrall, using a threat that you would only be able to leave if you left them to him. He is not prepared to drive to see them if they go. He comes home drunk. He does not by any stretch of the imagination love those boys. He is prepared to abuse them through you -- it hurts your sons deeply to see their mother treated the way he treats you. He is damaging your boys immensely by mistreating you, while they, being children, are powerless to intervene in your defence. This is a terrible thing to do to children, especially to boys.

It goes without saying that you 'DP' does not love you. He is using you to vent all his frustrations about being emasculated by his family. He needs you in a most unhealthy way, to be the whipping boy. He does not want you to leave, but he is incapable of love, since he does not particularly even like himself. But when you go, it will take him probably 25 minutes to find himself someone else to fill your shoes and play your role.

After a very bad evening last night I have woken this morning with a new resolve to try and get things sorted out. I was hoping I could appeal to dp's better nature, but it would seem that he want's things to be as bad as possible for me.

I must point out though, that however much he hates me, dp does love the boys and he does spend time with them doing all sorts of things with them. But in terms of the abuse he throws at me he does do that and I am obviously aware this is very harmful to the boys. His comment about not seeing the boys I think was made to attack me not them and I do believe was an idle threat. But whatever it was, it wasn't helpful and too be honest, he should bloody grow up.

Well tried to talk to him and once again he was smug and unpleasant - he seems determined to make things as awful as possible. The problem is we are both so angry with whats going on between us that we are unable to resolve anything without it descending into an argument. Don't know why it has to be so bad but it is. Trying to stay strong but once again feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping for a week.

Jazzi - please don't lose your resolve so quickly!! It is very energy sapping to have these negative arguments with your dp, and can completely understand why you feel like curling up into a ball. But you can't.

Of course he is being smug and unpleasant, this is another way of him asserting power over you (which is how he boosts his self esteem). And his strategy is working, look what's happened to you this morning?

This will never change. The only person who can do something differently is you. He won't do anything other than undermine you, suppress and try to make you feel as small as possible. He is an abuser. He will always be an abuser. You have to stop volunteering to put yourself and your children through this.

You must take action, as you well know he will continue to make your life a misery, and for the sake of you and for your boys you have to find the strength. Come on Jazzi, you've overcome such challenges in your life - you can do this. And you love your boys, you don't want to subject them to the emotional damage your dp is inflicting on them, do you?

Please please please go and see a solicitor this week, so that you understand clearly what your legal situation is.

Do something, take a single step, and then one after that, and another after that. And you will get there.

It also might be time for you to find a support group for abused children, perhaps you could attend this in the week when you are away from work?

Jazzi, everyone here is rooting for you, and you have all our support. You can do this.

And Jazzi, just because you feel helpless doesn't mean that you are.