Its got so bad, but I need some perspective.

[Jazzicatz]

Hi all, I gave written on here a few times about my relationship with 'd'p but things have gone from bad to worse and I just wanted some sense that his behaviour isn't acceptable, or that i'm the one that needs to step back.

We have been together for 10 years and we have two gorgeous little boys. Our problems together go back years, but were particulaly bad after we had our first son. I suffered with PND and dp was very dismissive and left me just to get on with it. He had a business at the time that failed and we ended up living with him parents.

His family are wealthy and very controlling of dp, they want him to stay in the area and continue the family fortune. Everytime dp has got himself into financial difficulty, which is numerous times, his family bale him out. He had never really taken any real responsibility for his actions, he knows essentially his family will sort it out. This has put immense pressure on us as I hate the area we live in and don't really like his families interference in our lives.

I however, have neen trying to finish my PhD and worked sporadically and therefore was not in a position to pay for us to move, dp insisted we stayed and kept pressuring me to get a job and finish the PhD. I have now got a job, but work miles away. I have to stay away during the week and come home at the weekends, but the boys are now at school and dp is supposed to have flexibility in his 'job', which is with a family member.

Dp has a very traditional semse of gender roles and finds it difficult that I work away and that I focus on my job so much. He is currently 'punishing' me for being away and although I am home most weekends, holidays and for most of the summer, he still is being, in my opinion, unreasonable.

Now that I am back from work for 3 weeks, dp won't do any thing at all around the house - not that he does much anyway, he comes in really late, and leaves really early. He has taken the car so we are stranded in our village,when he does come home he is usually pissed. He insistes I either sleep with our youngest son in a single bed or on the floor or very small sofa. He won't contribute anything.

Every weekend when I get back he just disappears off and usually rolls in pissed around 7pm. I have to do all the housework left from the week, all the washing, the homework with the boys, shopping - basically everything. However, now he is off, and won't contribute anything.

My job is pretty full-on and I have no time in which to 'recover' before beginning again.

I'm knackered because of our sleeping arrangements, and just feel like a general skivvy.

Do I 'deserve' this behaviour for going away to work? What can I do?
Sorry its long - any advice very much appreciated.

Jazz, your post about the abuse - I could have told you that.

I don't even know you but I knew you'd had a shit childhood, purely because people who are well valued as children don't allow themselves to be treated like fucking livestock as adults.

You have to get out. I'm not pushing you to go now, finishing your PHD would be a good idea, but at least buy yourself a camp bed for downstairs.

Jazzicatz

I was not sadly all that surprised to read of you being subjected to abuse in childhood as this has conditioned you into accepting such abusive (and this is abusive) treatment now at your partner's hands.

If you have never visited this website before now I would urge you to do so. It is the National Association of people abused in childhood:-

www.napac.org.uk

They also have a freephone helpline.

Jazz, you have indeed said it all when you say you were abused so well done a million times over for knowing that what happened then is informing what happens now and here's the thing, you owe it to yourself and your kids to stop it now. I don't want to be 'bullying' towards you in my tone,telling you what to do and I don't want to be drawn in to having the same kind of distorted power relations with you that you have with your partner and have had with others in the past so this is the last post from me but I will say that no matter what has gone before you can have a different life, you can do things differently and start again and be safe and ok, it is possible and I have seen it done. One step at a time. Good luck.

xxx

The way this man feels about you is the way you feel about yourself. Your self esteem is at rock bottom becasue of this relationship.

I can almost guarantee you that your children are not having a great life. They have no family life, a very unhappy and abused mother, a drunken, absent cock of a father. What are material things compared to that? Longer term they are being taught every single day that woman are good for nothing gold digging non-persons who deserve nothing but contempt. They WILL grow up with the same attitude unless you remove them from the situation.

Make plans. Gather together some money. Go to his family and make up some LIE and ask for it. Do anything you have to to get out f this situation. The ends justify the means.

Gather your documents and look for schools in the new area. You will find lots of constructive advice on here.

And if he does refuse to come and see his kids? Result! The less they are exposed to the malign influence of this toxic wastrel the better it will be for them!

God I sound pathetic. Thanks all for your advice.

Jazzicatz, I don't know if your remember but the big bad stroppy colditz had almost identical threads flying around 4 or 5 years ago.

I'm certainly not pathetic, and neither are you. I was badly treated, like you are now.

Jazzi - you don't sound pathetic, i just don't think you're aware of how strong and capable you are.

I am so so sorry to hear about your childhood, and cannot imagine the strength and courage it has taken for you to achieve the things you have. You have gotten your phd which has taken hard work, determination and intelligence. You have two boys to who you have dedicated your energy and devotion.

Just think how much you have done with so little support. I think its amazing, and although I know it must be terrifying, I honestly believe you can do this. You are a survivor. It will take time and planning and you have to get support, but it may turn out to be less terrifying than the way you're living now.

actually you have no idea how well he is looking after them when you away - or even if he just asks family to do it....how can you be sure they fed properly etc? except on day before you come back? watch tehir playa dn drawings and what they really tell you...do some role play with teddies and dolls.... subtly introduce "daddy" and "mummy" characters....

hoestly, they really wont suffer from being taken off on a nice trip to new house (not far from seaside right?) with mum and not seeing him for couple months while you discuss contact arrangements thu solicitors....

it doesnt sound as tho he will contribute anything so yes you will need to look at tax credits etc.

as for loving them - sure -that is why he would not bother to come and see them??? come on - get real...

he hates you and they are only a tool to get to you....

you can do this, start planning....a better life with respect for yourself and a better life for the dcs

Jazzi - I just reread your OP and my heart goes out to you.

"Do I 'deserve' this behaviour "

Thanks for all your messages. I have just been to the dentist and spent some time just think about what you all said.

You are all right of course and I hope one day I find the strength to leave. I know its the only way forward and I have to go.

not "one day". Soon. As soon as you can. Stop wasting your life - you only get the one.

You must leave Jazzi for your sake and the future happiness and wellbeing of your boys. They will learn from their father that his treatment of you is normal - I'm sure you wouldn't want to see them treat future girlfriends in this manner.

Unless the law has changed recently, since you are not married you have sole parental responsibility of your children. He can apply for a Parental Responsibility Order but until then, you can do exactly what you like with them. The only legal responsibility an unmarried father has is financial. Good luck.

You have a job, you can get references you can rent somewhere near your job. Try and get 2 bedroomed if you are on a low income you may qualify for some housing benefit and council tax benefit. You will probably get help towards your childcare costs. Look at local schools, find which ones have spaces and what before/after school care they run.

Your buys will be so much happier there with you rather than enduring a dysfunctional family life - both their nuclear and extended families.

Look at the entitledto.com website to see what financial assistance you would get to help you.

Failing that pack all the paperwork and leave and go into a woman's refuge near your place of work.

You deserve so much more and you will be so happy and free when you and your boys leave. If he loves your boys he will travel to see them (it's just a bullying tactic) if he doesn't then it really isn't any great loss is it?

Just feel very tired and low. Jaw aches from the dentist and I know I have another night on the floor. Dp just comes in late, usually pissed then goes to bed in his large double bed, gets up and goes to 'work'. Its just so miserable.

Jazzi, where do you live during the week? Could you not take the boys there,

I rent a room in a flat so not possible to take the boys.

Been thinking about this some more.

You've been taught all your life that you are worthless and somehow deserve this behaviour - it's become the norm to you. It's not normal and you are not worthless.

You are a valuable person in your own right and you do deserve better. Now is the time to stop this pattern of acceptance and value yourself - break the cycle. Maybe counselling will help.

If he's out I'd take the double bed and leave him the sofa tbh.

Start looking for your own flat and hand your notice in on the rented room.

I think he would physically remove me if I tried to take the bed

Now can you see what a pathetic bully he is and how much he is abusing you and your dc?

Please make your plans to never return. Don't tell him, don't ask his permission, make your plans and then one day go.

Can you take a couple of days off work in a few weeks time to leave and sort things out on leaving day? I would pretend to go to work on the Monday and then go take my dc out of school for a forgotten appointment.

When he goes out tonight make sure you are in bed before he comes in......in the double bed - if he doesn't want to be in it with you then let him sleep on the pissing floor. He sounds a tw*t Jazz and sorry to hear you are being treated like this.

I agree with all the advice you have been given - you need to get away from him asap and give you and your boys a better life.

I speak from experience - I have worked 'away' from DP for years and I can't look forward to the end of the week enough - it is a very different experience than the one you have and in my opinion is the way you should be being treated. My dp appreciates how hard it is for me to be away and how hard I have to work while I am away. He does all he can to help me and us and to ensure that our time together is always quality time. I think the simple way of explaining it is to say that he respects me and what I do just as much as I respect him. Your DP is obviously showing no respect or love whatsoever towards you and thinks he can treat you like that way in your own house.

You may want to remind him tonight that while he is calling the shots over where you have to sleep, it is you that is contributing mainly to the house he is in and the bed he sleeps in - if anyone should be on the floor its him!

'do i deserve this' no you jolly well don't 'd'p sounds like an arrogant, spoilt child who knows that the only way to control you is to make you feel as shit about yourself as he possibly can.

it will be hard to leave but in as years time you will thank yourself

good luck x

Gosh, what an awful time you have had, and continue to have. I was very sad, but again unsurprised, to read your post about being abused when you were younger. I think you really need to start making some plans. With every little step you make towards leaving, you will feel just a little bit stronger and more able, mentally as well as practically, to leave this horrible man.

At the moment it must be a very daunting thought, as you are totally unprepared. Please, if you need some help to do research, let me know what I can do for you (I'm in London, but have the internet at my disposal all day as DD is 9 weeks old and am very good at making calls, too).

If all you do for the next couple of days is repeat to yourself, over and over again, 'I DO NOT deserve this', you will be making progress. Once you believe that, you will be able to move forward. It's just baby steps, but please, please find it in yourself to get away from your awful P. He sounds appalling, and thoroughly deserving of many plagues.

You are clever enough to be doing a PhD (or have completed one, didn't quite get that part)! Then your clever enough to know that he is using you unashamedly as a doormat! Forcing you to sleep elsewhere??? You are not being unreasonable, he is! Although unreasonable seems too mild a word for it!

Are you financially dependent on him? If you aren't then leave as soon as you can. He seems to resent you and children and spends most of his time out drinking. That's not a great father to his sons. (Harsh I know but I don't feel like beating around the bosh on this one as I sympathise too much). If you are financially dependent try to change your life positively, for instance buy a cheap car so you have freedom to take the boys out of the village. Second what people have said about planning, setting aside dosh and that. I sympathise.

Jazzicatz, don't go down the dangerous slope of perceiving yourself as a victim, it can help you out of bad situation but it also have a high risk of getting you into a deep depression, and at the moment you need all your energies and optimism to get to do what you have to do.

I have had a bad life in many aspects, but I have managed to make a good one out of it. Many people think I am a complete casualty of my ex's selfishness, and having people telling me that certainly doesn't help. I'm not stupid, I know how bad things are, I live through my life everyday. However, since I realised that I am not a total victim, but that my circumstances are also a consequence of my own decisions, I feel I can do something about it, I feel I can change things.

Yes, he was and continues to be a bastard, but that is something I can't change, the only thing I can change is how I react to what he does. If I were to place the total blame on him, I would also be handing him all the power. I have realised that by taking responsibility for my own decisions (I could have left him long before things got that bad), I keep my possibilities open, while when I'm wallowing in self pity or concentrating in all the "poor you, look at what he has done to you" I feel totally helpless.

Remember, don't be a victim, it disempowers you.