Its got so bad, but I need some perspective.

[Jazzicatz]

Hi all, I gave written on here a few times about my relationship with 'd'p but things have gone from bad to worse and I just wanted some sense that his behaviour isn't acceptable, or that i'm the one that needs to step back.

We have been together for 10 years and we have two gorgeous little boys. Our problems together go back years, but were particulaly bad after we had our first son. I suffered with PND and dp was very dismissive and left me just to get on with it. He had a business at the time that failed and we ended up living with him parents.

His family are wealthy and very controlling of dp, they want him to stay in the area and continue the family fortune. Everytime dp has got himself into financial difficulty, which is numerous times, his family bale him out. He had never really taken any real responsibility for his actions, he knows essentially his family will sort it out. This has put immense pressure on us as I hate the area we live in and don't really like his families interference in our lives.

I however, have neen trying to finish my PhD and worked sporadically and therefore was not in a position to pay for us to move, dp insisted we stayed and kept pressuring me to get a job and finish the PhD. I have now got a job, but work miles away. I have to stay away during the week and come home at the weekends, but the boys are now at school and dp is supposed to have flexibility in his 'job', which is with a family member.

Dp has a very traditional semse of gender roles and finds it difficult that I work away and that I focus on my job so much. He is currently 'punishing' me for being away and although I am home most weekends, holidays and for most of the summer, he still is being, in my opinion, unreasonable.

Now that I am back from work for 3 weeks, dp won't do any thing at all around the house - not that he does much anyway, he comes in really late, and leaves really early. He has taken the car so we are stranded in our village,when he does come home he is usually pissed. He insistes I either sleep with our youngest son in a single bed or on the floor or very small sofa. He won't contribute anything.

Every weekend when I get back he just disappears off and usually rolls in pissed around 7pm. I have to do all the housework left from the week, all the washing, the homework with the boys, shopping - basically everything. However, now he is off, and won't contribute anything.

My job is pretty full-on and I have no time in which to 'recover' before beginning again.

I'm knackered because of our sleeping arrangements, and just feel like a general skivvy.

Do I 'deserve' this behaviour for going away to work? What can I do?
Sorry its long - any advice very much appreciated.

I know you are all right - I know you are. Just can't seem to pluck up the courage to go. Wouldn't even have anywhere for the boys or I to sleep. I can't do it to them .

coldits is right - this weekend is not a good idea, you need a proper plan.

I'm just angry on your behalf and so advising a bit rashly.

Atilla, you are right. Thats why he wouldn't marry me. He has been warned from a young age that women are no good and will try and fleece him for his families money. I have always contributed as much as I can. For a long time he had nothing and any money we had came from me. He hates women I think to be honest.

What is actually worse?. You being with the drunkard in this completely one sided arrangement that is working to his advantage or being along with your two boys in some rented place?.

Feel the fear and do it anyway!. Jazzicatz, you are at times your own worst enemy, there is support out there for women in your situation and all you have to do is take the first step and ask for help. It is okay to do this and your children will thank you as well in the long run.

I can think of several organisations off the top of my head who could help you initially; your local council, the charity called Shelter, CAB and Womens Aid.

COme on, tell us the county you're in(or would be in) then we can find you a list of local estate agents. If you're near me there's a furniture place that sells good second hand stuff very cheap..

I sincerely promise you I'm not a CUK troll.

Find somewhere for them to sleep. Check the rentals in the area where you work.

Your husband wants you gone. He doesn't want to sleep in the same room as you, he's already told you he won't bother seeing the boys unless you facilitate it, he doesn't like women, he doesn't like you. If you leave, he'll breathe a sigh of relief.

You work fulltime. You're not seeing your boys all fucking week because they're stuck in an area you hate and which has no prospects. If you leave and take them, they'll have you every morning and every evening. Forget "can't do it to them" how can you do what you're already doing? Not seeing them all week, leaving them with a drunken, hostile layabout of a father who punishes you (and I'm sure them) for his own inadequacies?

They'd be over the moon if you took them with you. Really, they would. Mummy every day? That's what they want.

Register with letting agents in the area you work in. Give them a mobile number that P doesn't access. Borrow the money for a month's rent, deposit and letting fees. Go and visit flats in your spare time while you are staying in this town. When you find one, put down a holding deposit. In the meantime register on freecycle in that area and try to get together some basic essentials. Try to squirrel away some money from P if you can without him getting suspicious. Get all your papers together while he's out and leave them at your office. Photocopy anything you can get your hands on of his paperwork (without breaking in to anything locked).

Find a local nursery/childminder and book a day or two off and some settling in sessions for the DCs.

When you have papers, cash and flat sorted, arrange for a delivery person to come with a van and move your stuff on a weekend day when he is off getting pissed. Leave him a letter with a mobile number he can contact you on and an invitation to call you to discuss contact. Register for tax credits the day you move out and also housing benefit if possible.

I'm in Oxfordshire currently but would be living in East Sussex for my job.

Jazzi - you are getting lots of practical advice from other posters about getting assistance.

Seeing as your research and planning skills will be excellent (it takes some doing to right a phd) can't you start by following up some of the options suggested and work towards getting somewhere for you and the boys to stay. Once you've actually got some options lined up the only thing you'll need the courage to do is to pack some things.

Take it one step at a time. And do something immediately - e.g. call Women's Aid right now.

As for you sleeping on the floor or the sofa, those are the rules I have in place for my CAT.

Will have to start looking at places. Don't have much money and don't have anywhere or anyone to borrow any from so will just have to start saving.

Hi Jazzicatz

Just to add my twopennorth, I have never had to do what you are doing now and it sounds very daunting. You are probably feeling overwhelmed by it partly because this guy has been systematically wearing away at your confidence for a long time. Also, you only have to do this leaving business one step at a time. One day when you can, contact estate agents in the area where you work so you can look at properties, on another day you can work out your budget, on another look at schools for your boys - you couldn't ever do that all at once... Each step you take will start restoring your confidence and you will feel a bit more in control.

You can do this, and you will, but you can only do it one step at a time.

Good luck!
xx

As some one who decided to leave before finishing a PhD, I would say finish it first, sort your issues, get financially independent, get the car (it would be invaluable when you are on your own with kids), and ensure that you prepare as much as possible for your new life.

I decided to put my degree to the side, and three years down the line, I am just coming out of benefits, I can't even dream of coming back to my degree as the financial situation is dire or I'm absolutely knackered after the day.

The absolute need I have for the tax credits you get as a single parent has been a stumbling block on every relationship I have had afterwards (How could one consider living with a man, if going to become highly dependent on him once I loose the tax credits? housing benefit, or whatever?). If the divorce gets bad, you will need to pay a solicitor, and you may end up having to give up important things, just because you can't afford to defend yourself (Yes, there is legal aid, but as far as I remember the only time I qualified for it, I had a monthly income of less than 400 a month. Most divorce cases can be resolved swiftly but looking at the fact that you are already working away during the week,there would be some considerable problems arising with regards to the children residence).

So, if you need to go, you need to go. But if you do, plan your exit carefully, get informed, leave when the time is right. Never in the spur of the moment.

check this website to find a place to rent & get in touch with estate agents.

you can get some info about renting here

I do think I am going to have to do it bit by it.

Thank you all for your support. I am being very weak I know, but I'm just frightened that the boys will end up in a worse situation with just me then they would living with their dad. They do have a great life currently - I can't offer them much.

But Jazzi, your husband says he won't bother driving to see them, you'd have to facilitate it.

So he can't really love them, can he?

They're better off with a mum who loves them than in a situation where they see their mum only on weekends and live with a dad who resents the whole situation so much that weekends are spent punishing you.

That reads like they have a great life financially that you alone couldn't provide.

Let me tell you all the presents in the world mean fuck all if you are not happy. I know what I am talking about.

He does love them it would be wrong of me to suggest he doesn't. Its just me he hates.

Then how do you rationalise this?

"Said he won't drive to see them, but I would have to get the boys to him."

but by hating you, he is punishing and hurting his children and modelling some exceptionally poor behaviour of how a man, father and husband behaves

you have a choice, but it's a hard one, and it won't be easy, but you are entitled to be happy

if DH tried to make me sleep on the floor or the sofa like some underling or slave, we would be at the point of Relate, if not divorce very qucikly

you seem to have forgotten you are a human being who ought to be valued

Yes tortoise but when they get to court about this, he can say that children spend most nights with him and therefore that makes him the resident parent, and as such the one that has more rights.

It could get bad for Jazz, if she is not the resident parent, she has no right to child tax credits, child benefit, housing benefits, working tax credits, etc. and if he decides he wants to keep the children, she might not be able to take them with her.

Hence why I insist that everything has to be planned carefully.

There was another poster back in December, (oldgoth or something like that) who was in a very similar situation, you may get a lot of infor from her threads.

I was very badly abused as a child - sexually physically and emotionally and think this is probably an extension of that abuse. I think that's why I am more likely to put up with it. Abuse is pretty much all I have ever known!

"They do have a great life currently - I can't offer them much".

A great life with this enabled drunk?. Hah!!.
Do you truly believe that?. If you do, you are your own worst enemy. Do not believe his bullshit because his life is all built on sand.

He is more than happy to drag you all down with him.

Financially they are with a man who has been enabled by his own family with predictable depressing result. Their dad is also not contributing at all to the overall running of the household (you yourself wrote the following, "Its confusing for the boys as they can't understand why we can't all do things together at the weekends") but leaves it all to you all after being away all week through work. He does not give a shit for either you or your boys; he regards you as mere irritances.

He is your partner, not your husband so you will not have to divorce him thankfully. You can walk away from him. Living in such a manner for even the next year is not an option.

See this Easter as being the first steps to a new life. Baby steps are what is required here; you need to reclaim your life back.

You've had a decade of this relationship and if you were to cast a cold and hard look back at it the writing re this was on the wall a long time ago. Remaining within such a one sided relationship will only make you feel worse and the damage also to your boys will be incalculable.

That's why it all needs to be in place before you move out so he can't get solicitors involved until the DCs are already living with you and in school/nursery etc. I don't know how long you have to be the main carer before you are legally seen as such but if you take them it might take him a while to get his arse in gear re solicitors and by the time he does you may be seen as the main carer.