Would you want to know if your dh was cheating?

[sungirltan]

As in...having an affair that he wasn't/isn't planning to come clean about.

Would you want to know?

Why?

So would you be desperately upset if he lied about buying you a new car and keeping it secret?

In the past no, because that's a different kind of lie isn't it? Now, I'm not sure how I'd react. Possibly badly because it would remind me of what an accomplished liar they had become and why.

The lies involved when someone is embroiled in an affair really do change your perception of so many things, maybe because they become so good at it, I don't know. But you find yourself doubting everything you're told and doubting your own judgement too. You start looking for proof that thngs are true when before you would have taken it on face value, even very trivial things.

I don't know if that gets better in time, my experience is very recent and still quite raw. I really hope it does go away tho because it's a horrible way to be.

Alouiseg The examples you are providing to further your point are absurd - and put forward in a very aggressive and unsympathetic way, especially as posters on here have suffered through infidelity. The deceit and lies involved in infidelity are hurtful because they deny the betrayed spouse their choices in life - and the deceit is based on terrible motives, as opposed to failing to put out the bins or planning a nice surprise.

For some people, it is also the fact that other people, whom they have mixed with during the affair, knew what was going on.

Of course people feel terrible hurt about the infidelity itself, but for most people the hurt is compounded by being lied to and treated like a fool. I am astonished that you cannot see that.

Kiwi, you do understand that the only person you get to speak for here is yourself? What works for you works for you, and nobody else is 'tiny brained' for having a different set of expectations for herself and her DH.

I would want to know, and I wouldn't mind who told me, and I would want to know about a fling, or an affair of X weeks or months or years or whatever, because withholding that information from me deprives me of my right to make informed decisions about my life. Once in the know, I have power; without knowledge/disclosure, I have been put in the back seat in my own life.

I dont think i protest too much - i have always hated lies of any kind.

The situation where you say about a gift is very different and i dont think anyone would go out of their and cause the pain for a lovely surprise actually.

But if my h spent huge amounts of money we did not have on a gift then yes i would be very cross.

I am by no means perfect and i do 'forget' the price of things i have bought but it is a very different lie to actually allowing your partner to think they are going mad in some way which is often the case during affairs.

All lies serve a purpose - some are lovely such as gifts, some are to save hassle and some are to actually hurt the other person.

Children naturally lie and learn very early that it can keep them out of trouble.

When my h had his affair i dont think he went out of his way to destroy my trust (even though he knew deep down it would do that) - he lied to make HIS life easier - at that time he was not thinking about anyone else or how they really felt in all this.

And as for the trust thing - well i pity the poor salesman now who tries to 'convince' me of anything.
I do not trust easily and have a few good friends rather than a lot.

i had a boyfriend, years ago who cheated. he told me that a female work friend of ours was 'having a hard time with her dp and suspected there had been violence (a subject he knew i would sympathise/be concerned about)' he then said he had given her a lift home from work (i was absent at a wedding) and sat in the car and talked more about the above. it was all balls of course and they had slept together several times, in the car, classy like. this was years ago but the ow still has it in for me because he told her that we had split before the event so she thinks i'm bonkers! not only did he cheat, he lied on top of lie and destroyed one of my friendships.

i dont even care about the bloke, or the cheating anymore but i do care that this girl and i are still at loggerheads 8 years later.

Yes i would most deffinatley!

mathanxiety of course its my opinion and I speak for myself but there are others that agree with my opinion, and other opinions that i agree with. And i've never called anyone 'tinybrained' so don't put words into my mouth.

'You also obviously can't get it into your tiny head ...' Fair enough, I misquoted you.