Would you want to know if your dh was cheating?

[sungirltan]

As in...having an affair that he wasn't/isn't planning to come clean about.

Would you want to know?

Why?

a random snog i wouldnt want to know, would be really upset over something relatively minor, not really grounds for divorce but would cause problems - best off not knowing, something serious then yes i would want to know, especially if other people knew as well.

It's very difficult. If I knew about a friend's dh I'm not sure I would want to be the one to tell her and cause the huge disruption.

I probably would one of my sisters because I am more protective and know my family would help pick up the pieces.

"Of course it wouldn't. One random act of stupid drunkenness, bitterly regretted, can't cancel out 18 years of goodness, often way above and beyond the call of duty"

Very good point LeQueen Very well made.

Yes
Yes, even if a one night stand because at least two other people would know something about our marriage that I don't and it would be a secret DH with the OW and anyone else she (or he) chose to tell. Would also mean I ould not have the opportunity to get tested for STD which I deffo would if I knew.
I think I have the right to decide if it is a dealbreaker or not.
If I knew a friends dh was having an affair, I would tell him I knew and ask him to tell her, and tell him I would if he didn't.

I most definitely want to know. After rather too much experience of this sort of thing, I agree the emotional impact is far greater than the "act" itself. I can handle a wayward snog and even an ill-advised shag (though I'd never tell a partner that!) What breaks it for me is the dishonesty, the behavioural weirdnesses and the fact that he's taking emotional content away from our relationship, investing it elsewhere. If he misbehaved & told me about it, then the honest, trust & sharing are still intact. More or less.

OP, having said all that: I do believe that if an affair has ended undiscovered, it's probably best to leave it that way. It's not what I'd do - or want my partner to do - but the arguments for leaving the past behind are quite strong.

Wouldn't it be nice if life really was straightforward?

Oh bum i've just agreed with you on another thread! ;-)

Affair, as in ongoing with emotions invested then yes. But I'd want DH to tell me not a 3rd party. If it was a 3rd party I'd rather stay in the dark.

If it was a one off drunk sh*g that he never repeated I'd rather not know.

I would want to know even if it was a one night stand as one of the best aspects of our marriage is honesty. Who knows we may be able to withstand the crapness. I would want dh to tell me rather than anyone else.

Hope it never happens of course.

What if it wasn't a drunken one night stand, or a chance set of circumstances which made something possible? What if your dh came back early from a family holiday, made the ow aware that he was back, booked the hotel the day before and went off to the hotel the following morning, in the cold light of day to execute the deed. Would that be a deal breaker? Would you want to know? And what if he didn't have sex again but kept in touch with her via text for 18 months and only stopped when her dh found out? What would you do then?

Catwalker

I would find it hard to believe that it only happened once if they were in contact for 18 months.

Me too.

[hmmm] So OW DH found out, does the dw of the of the adulterer know too?

Yes I do

Shit, really sorry. Are you at a decision making stage? Do you want to discuss this on here??

I have done a few days ago on a different thread, "has anyone recovered from infidelity". But I was feeling more positive then. Now I could happily roll over and die.

Did you read lequeens words of wisdom further up this thread? She made some salient points.

yes.

but depending on who it was who told me I might question their motives for doing so.

Are you planning on teeling someone OP?

"if i am going to tell them i will do it personally."

what would be your motives for telling this person?

Why aren't your motives alone enough, why do you need to ask strangers what to do? If your motives are good you shouldn't need to ask surely?

catwalker...I repied on our other thread but you disappeared, love

you sound very, very down

perhaps you could go back to your thread and post an update...you will get lots of support there x (and here too, of course...)

Takes stalker hat from Alouiseq, as I too am going to agree lequeen (although don't think I posted on other thread, just lurked) again

who are you in this situation?

I don't think its your secret to tell, I never thought I would say that but I know a couple of secrets that would devastate some people, but it they are not my place to tell