Would you want to know if your dh was cheating?

[sungirltan]

As in...having an affair that he wasn't/isn't planning to come clean about.

Would you want to know?

Why?

Wholeheartedly agree with the needing but not wanting to know.

LQ you wouldn't stop him seeing dc because that would crucify dc and hence the diplomatic hell that is lone parenthood

If it was a one-off, was in the past, had never put a foot wrong since- no. Not that it would necessarily be a deal-breaker, for me, but I would rather not know. His guilt would be his 'punishment', if you like. I see no reason for a person guilty of this type of cheating to ease the burden on themselves by sharing.

If it was ongoing and involved emotions rather than just sex- yes, I'd need to know.

For me, at the moment anyway, the sexual aspect in our marriage is nowhere near as important as the emotional aspect. DH assures me- and I have judged it for myself, based on his character- that it is the same for him.

So emotional infidelity would be of far greater concern to me.

Yes, it's a dealbreaker.

Good Lord..if DH and I ever split up there will never be any issues of access to the kids

overnighters...weekenders...school holidays...everything

we joke about who would get custody ...as in who gets shut to enable going out on the razzle

agree with the not wanting to know but need to know.

I would. I've been the victim of a cheating little turd in the past.

yes my ex feels like that too af
desperate to get shut to go out on the razzle
sadly not all that amusing in rl

ninah, I apologise

what was I thinking ???

no, I know what you mean
I am pretty keen to go on the razzle myself
but someone has to do the day to day stuff
you have a good relationship so these issues wouldn't arise

Yes - about the past and the present. Why?

With LeQueen here...

One-off pissed-up thang I could forgive. But I'd never forget. And I'd make the bugger suffer forever, probably.

Full-on affair - no way.

Too old, too mean and too damn self-sufficient. Been there, and got the single-parent T-shirt to prove it.

Ain't never going back.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

You're the OW, and it's ended, and you're wondering whether to tell the wife?

Am I right, suntangirl?

Hmm difficult one. My natural instinct would be to say yes I would.

But then I think about DH. Particularly who he is as a human being and I find it very hard to imagine him having an affair (not because he's perfect but because it is unlikely he would have the confidence to seduce someone). If he did it wouldn't just shatter our life together but it would change everything I think I know about human nature.

So with my DH, no. Unless he was falling in love someone else but I would hope he would tell me before it was too late. I would like to think he'd have the sense to take evasive action if a situation did occur.

tortoise My thoughts exactly.

AH, well that's a different question Tortoise. My answer to that one is always and will always be "no"!

Yes, my ex h had his first affair when I was 7 months pregnant. During that time he was snappy, controlling and unpleasant towards me I tried desperately to please him thinking it was me and he was struggling with the idea of becoming a father. I also worked right up until I was 9 months pregnant because I was worried about how we would manage once I had to give up work. Turns out he was taking this girl to hotels and buying her clothes and other treats.

I feel furious that I didn't know and did so much towards our "marriage" during that time while he was just shagging some 19 year old chippie he was working with.

I would be content with a reasonably short custodial sentence, with possibly time off for good behaviour and provocation taken into account. I would probably start smoking again on the inside (bad) but on the good side, I would have a small sense of doing the right thing.

If he wanted to stay with me then I would not want to know. However, if it was a long-term relationship he was having with another woman then yes I would.

I hope that's not the case tortoise but you may well be right.

If the ow decided to break the news to me out of revenge/spite I would act the dignified wife and hang on to my marriage with all my might. Revenge against ow would be swift and brutal, revenge against dh would be served cold.

I assumed that the OP knew a friend's DH was cheating and wondered whether to tell the friend. Call me naive....

OP - yes, I'd absolutely want to know.

I would NOT want a third party to tell me, under any circumstances at all.

I would want my Dh to tell me.

I tend to go with leQueen and JustAnotherManicMummy on this and say no.

If it was a past one-off fling that didn't involve any emotions and I was none the wiser meaning I never felt any less of a priority I don't care. And I think it would be foolish and kneejerk to throw someone out on the basis of one random act. Sex is not the be all and end all to me.

If it was something current I would want to know who is the priority for him. If it was the OW then he should leave, if not then theres a lot of relationship repairing to do.

Yes yes yes.

Even if it was a one off drunken thing and something I felt I could (possibly) get over, I would still want to know. Even though it would hurt like hell. Because it's my right to know all the facts and to choose whether to stay with him based on all the facts.

And also because I'd want to know that, even if he was a cheat, he at least was a truthful cheat (though that only applies if he told me himself, of course).