Would you want to know if your dh was cheating?

[sungirltan]

As in...having an affair that he wasn't/isn't planning to come clean about.

Would you want to know?

Why?

tortoiseonthehalfshell - nope.

Fair enough, suntangirl.

That's a good question, though.

If your husband had had an affair - not a one-off, an affair (I agree with you, LeQueen) - and it had ended and he was never going to tell you - would you want someone else to tell you, or not know at all?

Would you only want to know if your husband told you? Or a mutual friend? Or the OW?

"If it was a past one-off fling that didn't involve any emotions and I was none the wiser meaning I never felt any less of a priority I don't care. And I think it would be foolish and kneejerk to throw someone out on the basis of one random act. Sex is not the be all and end all to me".

Even if that one off, random act meant that your partner wasn't the person you believed them to be and could deceive you so completely for many years? God how grim.

I couldn't bear to be with a lier and I can't believe that somewhere along the line you wouldn't have an inkling.

I don't see anything remotely foolish or kneejerk about ending a relationship due to infidelity, one night stand or one year affair, it makes no difference in severity - it's all betrayal of the highest order.

no

Yes, I would want to know, just not NOW, as I'm 29 weeks pregnant.

I'm with lequeen. A drunken, regretted one night fling in the past, let it lie.

But an actual relationship, I'd want to know.

I think it's a classic contradiction really in what people say and what they do. Ime everybody says they'd like to know if their partner cheated. But also ime when people are informed of any actual cheating by a well meaning third party, it often doesn't go the way they might have expected.

ie in reality, what often happens is once the dust has settled, the relationship is 'stronger then ever' and the third party is frozen out and slagged off for trying to ruin it.

I've seen this happen many times. So I'd never politely inform anybody that their partner was cheating. The most I'd do is approach the cheater and threaten to spill the beans.

MZ, how ironic that you said "let it lie ".

For that's exactly what it would be, a big fat lie hanging over your marriage, not only would your partner have had a "meaningless" shag with another woman ( which is horrific in itself) but then comes the utter arrogance and total lack of respect that comes with keeping the lie secret.

I think the women who wouldn't want to know are more interested in keeping a lifestyle than having an honest marriage tbh, though I suppose with young children that's understandable to a certain extent.

Well you think wrong Mal. I think women who say it means twenty years have been a lie are wrong, but it's none of my business and I wouldn't presume to judge.

gawd. it isn't cut and and dried from what i am reading. i might write a post about the whole thing to get some more thoughts. undecided at present. thanks mners x

haven't got much of the gist sungirl but if you are thinking of telling the injured party, don't

if you are thinking of telling the injuring party you know, then do

Why don't you run the whole story past us so we all know what we're actually dealing with. Or am I being a gossip hound?

yes. But I'd hate to be the person who knows wrt a friend.

alouiseg - thinking it over. for all i know the injured party could be one of you :-(

Mal, as usual you have to impose your black and white view of this. You also obviously can't get it into your tiny head that other people have different relationships to you and just because they're different doesn't make them any less than the perfection you constantly claim to have. (Upon which the lady doth protests too much imo)

I will never claim to know and understand my partner completely (and i don't necessarily want to, he's v. geeky in some respects) but if I found out he'd slept with someone else in the past while with me as a one-off i'd just want to know why. I would not be stupid enough to immediately throw him out and throw our future away unless I understood that he really did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Lying and deception is not the same as withholding information, although I know you are going to say that it is. And its not a lifestyle choice, its being pragmatic and not always about emotions and idealistic visions of what a perfect marriage is supposed to be.

I'm not a perfect parent, I'm a good enough parent. I don't think theres anything wrong with a good enough marriage, we all have flaws and this sort of this is not necessarily a deal breaker for me.

kiwi, I agree

sungirltan - either spill or don't but stop messing with people's feelings.

how am i messing with feelings? have done nothing yet

By saying it could be someone on here.

oic. yeh see what you mean. i just meant that if i write a post i'd hate for the injured party to recognise their situation on here and what a horrid way to find out that would be. i mean if i am going to tell them i will do it personally. iyswim

i have no idea whatsoever if they use/read mn

sungirl, don't do it

it's hard having a secret but you know, you'll manage

It isn't your secret to tell.

Just butt out.

I agree kiwi.

For me personally, a much regretted drunken mistake in the past isn't necessarily a deal breaker.

I once came v close to being the drunken mistake maker myself, and what it did was it wised me up, made my appreciate DP more and made me realise how stupid it would be to risk everything.

But with just a nudge more persuasion I could have made that mistake. And I know that I love my DP 100% and want to be with him 100%, but life can throw us challenges can't it.

I wouldn't throw away a brilliant, long term relationship becuase of a one night stand. Of course, it would be much easier if I didn't know and didn't have to make that call in the first place.

Also, my relationship with DP has grown over the years. If he cheated on me now in any way shape or form I would be utterly horrified. But if he had done it way back when, I'm not excusing it, but things weren't so solid then anyway and we didn't have a long term plan. I wuold have been upset at the time but I don't need to hear about it now.

Everybody is different, but for me personally it isn't an immediate sacking offence. I think each case has to be taken on it's own 'merit' for want of a better term.

pro - its not, its not affecting my life at all.

fabs - i didn't say it was.

So why are you thinking of telling?

i said earlier i was thinking about maybe writing a post of the whole tale - thinking that over.

i really haven't got as far as considering telling. hence the op.

i'm not omnipitent about relationships, mine or anyone elses. i was just asking the question. hope i've not offended anyone