Would you want to know if your dh was cheating?

[sungirltan]

As in...having an affair that he wasn't/isn't planning to come clean about.

Would you want to know?

Why?

*catwalker" please, please post again on your other thread. I have been thinking of you for the past week or so, as you seemed to disappear. What ever you are feeling, it is okay - no one will judge you.

I've never seen a post from a woman betrayed who didn't want to know / wishes she hadn't found out. That says it all for me.

Having a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement to infidelity is a slightly different prospect, but how many couples agree on this beforehand ?

A drunken one night stand would be (almost) the biggest betrayal of all imho, for one thing it would likely have been unprotected ( as it was unplanned) - how minging is that?

A lie that big is like cancer, all invasive if given a chance to fester.

I would want to know, as posted earlier but I've not got/ever had a relationship with a man who sounds as great as MrLeQueen (so now I get to envy the husband as well as the house)...

Malificence I do agree to an extent that I would want to know
but I do agree with LeQueen it dosen't mean everything is a lie

But I also think its not up to anybody to tell
For instance, I have a family member who has a child with someone else, now I cannot stand tto look this person in the eye,
but they live in a different country and I don't know his wife very well. In that situation it is not appropriate for me to say anything,
it still makes me sick at the thought and I hat when his name is mentioned at family get togethers, or when people count up how many grandchildren my granny has I always add the extra one and everyone moves on to great grand children

I'm not going to go scrolling through the Mumsnet archive but there have definitely been posts from people saying 'I wish i never found out'.

Oh and btw my Dh and I agreed on a 'don't ask don't tell' policy while we were still dating, before we got married. We still have a policy of not dredging up events from the past that are irrelevant to today or our future.

Thank you Lequeen for articulating so well why a random past event does not suddenly negate everything that has been good about a relationship. To me it makes no difference if someone was drunk or if it was planned - its in the past, it was a mistake in judgement at the time, and as I've said if since then they have been there for me and our family 100% - then i have no problems leaving the event in the past, which can't be changed.

People can and do change too, for better or for worse...

BUT LeQueen yes that is true the situation I was talking about was a drunken one night and resulted in a child so when you think of the possible consequences I do hope I would forgive but I don't know.....

LeQueen please be careful what you say to cat - have you read her thread? Believe me, no-one truly knows what they would do even in a pre-meditated affair situation until it happens to them. I agreed with you downthread that one incident does not nullify all the years of kind and loving behaviour, but that applies also to an affair situation.

Cat has been with her H as long as you have - and is currently going through that necessary process of "doing the maths.", trying to work out if a few months of insanity are worth throwing away 18 years for. Given what you post about your happy marriage, I'd imagine you might do the same - you'd certainly be wise to, as a knee-jerk kick-him-out reaction might be foolhardy in your case.

Ia the OP even here? If you could give the full story (it doesnt matter how long it is) then you may get some constructive advice. We've all been there and done that on most sides of the coin when it comes to crappy men shagging around. Even if the injured party is on here, you wouldnt know. If you go over these threads its the same sad story over and over again. Its happened to so many people.

sorry i havent read all the thread.
But i would want to know - it gives me the control over my own life.

Also though remember these men(and woman) dont lie because they are liars by nature but because they dont want their marriage to fail.
Yes they are selfish and want it all but not all are nasty liars - it is just a necessary evil of infidelity.

IMO i think any form of lying as a form of control over a partner is wrong. Be it other woman/gambling/drinking/money...

people do change and can if they want to.

I know my h cant believe how much he lied - but one lie leads to another and it becomes very difficult to stop.

HappyWoman - you've just put something into valuable perspective for me... I have been fuming with my ex over some undisclosed details but your post has made me realise that I was doing something similar re money. To be fair, we didn't actually live together or share bank accounts or anything but I was still avoided full disclosure. Obviously, I won't be mentioning this to him but I might get off my moral high horse.

Thank you.

Perhaps I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face but I would feel that the whole of our marriage had been a lie, thankfully it's not something I have to worry about, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed strong feelings on the subject though.

People don't seem to "get" just why it would be such a big deal if my husband had ever touched another woman, it's obviously something peculiar to me alone?

Kiwi, my DH has always known that it would automatically mean the end, that by being unfaithful, it would be his choice to end our marriage, you can't be clearer than that - I felt that way at 17, I feel that way now.

Our very emotionally intelligent teenage son told me recently that the way his Dad and I had dealt with our crisis had taught him a lot about fidelity, forgiveness and how grown-ups resolve difficulties in a long marriage. That was a priceless gift - and reminded me yet again of the value of our journey - and the wisdom of making rational decisions that aren't based on hurt pride and anger.

Belle
I am glad i helped.
Actually I too feel that the journey we have been on has taught us and a lot of people around us some good lessons.

Mal I know i have said it before and I say it again I think it is very sad that the actions of someone else (your h) would have such a devastating effect on your life.

Of course i never wanted my h to have an affair - and I too honestly thought i would feel the same.
For a while i too thought my whole life was based on a lie, that any happiness i though i had, had been 'stolen' from me.

I had a choice to end our marriage and walk away and make a life for myself - and i know i could have done that.
However i was determined not to not feel bitterness for his actions.
Actually i still liked (loved) who he was and could see that we had spent a lot of happy times together.

I will never be able to change the past - i have to learn to live with it. Which i would have had to do with or without repairing our marriage.

I am actually glad i have had this chance in life to learn to forgive - and actually my children have learnt a lot too.

sorry folks i am not much about on thursdays

reason why i'm asking a bunch of strangers is 1. out of curiosity 2. i asked rl friends and they had extreme views one way or the other and 3. most of my friends arn't married

actually a few years back i did find out a friend's dp was trying to play away. i sat on it. they moved away so the affair ended and they have been happy/committed another 8 years. this is not that situation.

i think i am with many posters who could forgive a one off mistake. it would be the calculated/plotted affair that would kill my marriage. as i've heard people say in the past 'its not the shagging but the lying that kills me'

Rubbish!

It's never the lying it's the deed!

If he lied about putting the rubbish out you wouldn't leave him, that always strikes me as the most feeble part of the argument.

Yes I bloody well would

and then I would kill the fucker!

no you are wrong - it is the lying.

The lying is necessary so that he can do the deed and keep what he wants too.

But if my h was lying about anything now i would not accept it and want a divorce.

Some men lie about money/gambling/drinking i could not accept that either.

A person lies because there is a reason - there is usually no need to lie about putting the rubbish out.

My BIL is a compulsive liar - not sure he even knows himself what the truth is - he is married but his wife does not believe a word he says - not much of a marriage imo but she puts up with it.

At least with an affair it is pretty obvious why they have lied and if they want they can change.

happywoman

Methinks you protest too much.

alousieg

Happywoman is right, it's the lies and deceit that hurt more than anything else.. the breach of trust really is what shakes you to the core.. and I'm speaking from experience too sadly

Balls!!!! They would have to lie to arrange a secret birthday trip, you wouldn't give a stuff about that.

It's the topic! You're lying now.

Clearly you've never been in the situation (count yourself lucky for that) otherwise you'd get what we mean.