I think MIL's behaviour is rude (unintentionally) but not sure how to handle it.

[suiledonne]

My MIL lives quite near to us and passes by our house on her way to and from work.

She regularly calls by unannounced which I can live with although not delighted by.

The problem is when she rings the doorbell if we don't answer straight away she walks around peering in and tapping on the windows.

It drives me mad. I wouldn't do this to her. She doesn't seem to respect our privacy or have any clue that occasionally we just don't want to answer the door.

My car is parked outside so she knows we are home.

Wouldn't it be more polite to knock/ring the bell a few times and then GO AWAY?

A couple of times I have been settling dd2 for a nap when she arrived and dd2 was completely disrupted.

She does it with the phone too. If she rings the land line and it is engaged or rings out she rings the mobile phone over and over.

Sometimes it is not convenient to answer. Why doesn't she understand that?

I'm not sure how to mention it without causing offence.

DH finds it amusing but then he is rarely here during the day.

What would you do?

Next time time it so you and DH are having a shag on the living floor, might put her off a bit.

That would drive me absolutely barmy.

I would simply tell her straight that it's really irritating and that is disrupts your dd and would ask her firmly not to do it again.

But then I am more blunt than most.

lol Coco. I think that might finish her off all together.

Logistically difficult too as we have a 16 month old and an almost 4 year old roaming the house.

Unfortunately my MIL has discovered you can text to a landline she keeps sending I Love You texts to DH at stupid o clock. I sent her a, ahem, strongly worded text back. But I hate her and am very rude.

Tell DH to speak to her.

My mum does this. Calls at least 5 times in a row, or rings and rings on the door bell, then raps on the window and even once sent the next door neighbour up on a ladder (we have a sort of upside down house) to bang on my living room window which scared the life out of me and DS1. Tell her, or get DH to tell her - it's so so rude.

I would tell her, you can use the fact that you're settling a baby as the excuse and no need to tell her she's being rude. I mean, I'd actually just say it outright, but if you want to be tactful, use the child thing as a (perfectly legitimate) excuse. Or claim that it's making your four year old scared of 'burglars'?

I'd ask her to phone before coming to visit and ask her not to bang on windows saying sometimes you like some privacy and find her behaviour intrusive. Some people have no concept of personal privacy. She may find this rude but at least it stops you resenting her.
My mobile is usually turned off if I'm in the house or on silent and then goes to voicemail. You can easily see if it's her phoning on a mobile and if so you can let it go to voicemail if you don't wish to talk to her.
I wouldn't choose to live that close.

This would drive me nuts. If you can't face asking her directly to ring you before she calls round, then just keep answering the door with your coat on saying "oh, I'm just going out".

I asked my MIL not to call at certain times of day when we were still at the daytime nap stage.

Luckily she lives miles away, but she has a knack of calling at the most awkward moments.

She once called us at 5:30am on a Sunday mmorning to ask if we needed wanted an old lampshade she was throwing out.

Didn't say anything at the time (as was asleep on the phone), but I did bring it up next time I saw her.

MIL (in jolly voice): Well, I'm up at that time, so I don't see why everyone else shouldn't be.

ME: Well, please don't do it again, as we DH and I work hard and need our sleep.

There hasn't been a repeat performance.

It's possible to blunt without being rude.

It would be so much easier if it was my own mother because I could just say 'stop it, it's rude' but DH's family are one of those polite, never talk about anything uncomfortable types of family.

I find MIL hilarious to be honest. She has no discernable sense of humour. She doesn't get me at all.

She is so polite to strangers or people she wants to impress but has treated me appallingly in the past.

One Christmas she called in to show me three little pendants she had picked for me and her other 2 son's girlfriend's presents.
She asked me which one I preferred and when I told her she said 'I've already decided to give that to x, you can have this one'.

At BIL's wedding she actually physically pushed me out of the way to run and greet my other BIL'S girlfriend

When they were planning the wedding she regularly told me to expect no help from her or my DH with our dds on the day of the wedding as 'it is a family wedding after all' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My one consolation is thinking she has accepted me into the family so no longer feels the need to impress me IYKWIM.

sue

Your DH must tackle her on this issue otherwise she will keep on doing this behaviour. She cannot be continuously allowed to get away with this. It will cause resentment between you and your DH because she is his mother and you will eventually feel that he is not and cannot stand up to her. And a word to your DH on this matter - it is not amusing at all. It is a cop out on your part not to fully address this problem with your Mother.

It can be difficult for men to stand up to such demanding, petulant mothers because of divided loyalties and the fact that they have been conditioned to accept all this as "normal" but his primary loyalty is now to you and not to her.

You both need to present a united front to his mum/your MIL.

You may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. BTW your MIL sounds a bit like mine; tactless, crap gift giver, no discernable sense of humour to name but some of her qualities. I have determined mine to be narcissistic by her very nature.

Oh for God's sake. Another MIL bashing thread. I bet you all wouldn't bother if it were your own mothers calling round...Or your own family and friends as opposed to inlaws.

I hope none of you have DSes because you are destined to get the DIL from hell who hates you and tries her best to stop you from seeing your DS and DGC on some contrived pretext....

Your MIL is your family. If you don't like her, then at least you should pretend to out of loyalty to your DH and DC. She deserves respect, attention and not someone refusing to answer the door because - when all is said and done - you didn't want her company.

My MIL is the same. She used to come round unnanounced. Once when DS1 was small I took him into town. When I returned she was sitting on my step. I asked her how long she had been waiting and she said 90 mins

The knocking all all the windows scares the life out of me too, or I look up and see her peeing through the windows, however that might actually be my fault ecause if I know she is coming I lock all the doors and pretend not to hear her because I cant stand the stupid old bint!

Oh and she does the text to a landline thing too - it bloody drives me mad because she speaks in text speak and so you cant even make out what is being said. All I know is it ends in lots of 'ex' 'ex' 'ex'

tryharder if it was my own mother I would tell he not to do it, but she wouldnt do it anyway - last time MIL did it she ripped her coat on a rosebush.

And we are not DIL from hell!

tryharder I don't think I 'bashed' her at all to be honest.

She calls around 3 times a week and we call to her at the weekend so it's not like I am trying to avoid all contact with her.

I think I should have the right to privacy in my own home and feel I have the option to not answer the door if it isn't convenient.

How would you feel if a friend or neighbour went around peering in your windows?

Are MIL'S exempt from the rules of good behaviour or something?

She has been rude to me in the past. I was venting a bit here but am always polite and friendly to her that is probably why she would never think I wouldn't want to see her.

Surely if I was as rude to her as your post implies she would never come near the place.

tryharder,

I guess you have a lovely MIL and this is great if this is the case. However, you need to spare a thought for many others who do not have the nice ILs. We as their DILs did not make those people that way.

I would say that respect has to be two ways. Why should this particular woman that the OP describes have it all her own way?. Unlike her DH I do not find her behaviour at all amusing, it is rude in the extreme. Many people would not tolerate such behaviours from a friend, why should family members be any different?

Is it a generational thing to peer through windows & knock on them?

TBH, I think it is intentionally rude.
What is there to be gained by it if you have already rung the bell?

Is she trying to discover that you are in the house & not answering?
And if so, so what?
What would she do with that information?

My mum does this - and most of the other things you guys have mentioned. She has no sense of 'boundaries'. Wrt the popping in/prowling thing, I asked her to ring before she visits - in front of other people, as she pays more attention then. Yes, she rings both phones, twice each! She's backed off somewhat excessively now, but hey

I just pretend I like the second-rate/second-hand presents. Sometimes I do like them; the rest get recycled.

I do agree that she should phone first-could you at least ask her to do this OP?

Or agree day(s) when she pops in on her way to/from work & you will let her know if not convenient?

Attila,

Actually i have never met my MIL - she lives in San Francisco (although I email her quite regularly, send her photos of the DC etc).

I just think so many posts smack of intolerance. How must it feel to knock on someone's door knowing they are in and have them not answer it. I read so many threads saying oh my MIL did this and that and then everyone pipes up in agreement with "horror stories" of how their MIL dared to call round, or ring up at a non-convenient time, or even - shock horror - leave a text message on a phone.

What must it be like to feel that your time or conversation with your own DS is limited or not tolerated because your DIL doesn't like you? I cannot believe that all these MILS are really that bad.

diddl - yes, it is a generational thing, and also a location thing. People's lives used to be more home based; not everybody had the phone; people lived close to friends & relations. Everyone popped in & out all the time. More like living in an extended family, I guess. It's still the same in most countries, and it's great when you like it! My last flat was in a small development where I was friends with my neighbours (hundreds of miles from my mother!!) and our doors were, literally, always open.

Violet - You do realise that text-to-landline thing is the BT robot reading out a text, don't you?

If she didn´t peer through windows, she wouldn´t know if they were in or not.
Why can´t she just ring, & if no answer, assume they are not in & go away?

tryharder If she knocked lets say once every six months and got no answer there could be a rational explanation for it.

I could be using the bathroom, having a shower, have the dds in the bath, be in the middle of a changing a nappy.

Do you always answer the door/phone no matter what the circumstances?

I have been in some of the above situations and she kept up the knocking and ringing for so long I felt obliged to leave what I am doing and let her in.

Rude. Rude. Rude.

The last time it seemed to have a very heavy accent - and because she says things like 'c u tues b4 lnch. hpe u r gd' it has real difficulties. Then because I couldnt get what it had said in the two attempts it wanted me to phone a premium rate number.

Lucily she also sends it to DH's mobile so we managed to decode it.

I mean if she got no answer once every six months.