I think MIL's behaviour is rude (unintentionally) but not sure how to handle it.

[suiledonne]

My MIL lives quite near to us and passes by our house on her way to and from work.

She regularly calls by unannounced which I can live with although not delighted by.

The problem is when she rings the doorbell if we don't answer straight away she walks around peering in and tapping on the windows.

It drives me mad. I wouldn't do this to her. She doesn't seem to respect our privacy or have any clue that occasionally we just don't want to answer the door.

My car is parked outside so she knows we are home.

Wouldn't it be more polite to knock/ring the bell a few times and then GO AWAY?

A couple of times I have been settling dd2 for a nap when she arrived and dd2 was completely disrupted.

She does it with the phone too. If she rings the land line and it is engaged or rings out she rings the mobile phone over and over.

Sometimes it is not convenient to answer. Why doesn't she understand that?

I'm not sure how to mention it without causing offence.

DH finds it amusing but then he is rarely here during the day.

What would you do?

Yes, also makes me wonder about the size of her address book. I struggle to put landline and mobile nos plus email and address in mine.
MILs can be into buying slippers though which explains the shoe size thing. No idea why she'd need your doc or dentist number, if emergency it's all 999.

it was weird especially as I was 'filed' under his ex wife.

Maybe for a few weeks or so, you could try being out a lot in the day when you're on your own with the baby or etc. So when she turns up you're not there, and the same the next time, and the same the next time. Until she breaks the habit a bit and maybe gets into a routine of ringing you first at least. Invent some places you have to be in the day... just for a short while.

Or maybe hide upstairs a lot. Where she can't see you when she peeps in.

If you want anything to change, you do need to tell her you would very much like her not to go round and bang on the windows as it alarming and that sometimes in the day you nap when dd2 does or doing something of a personal nature, like having a shower, so how about setting up afternoon tea once a week?

There's no need to be aggressive but every need to be assertive. By having a regular afternoon tea, she knows she's wanted but you know when she's visiting.

I don't see the problem-just explain politely and calmly why you don't like it. I doubt if she knows that she is upsetting you.

I'm thinking something like a loud siren. When she starts knocking on the windows, you let it off and go out looking terrified saying "someone tried to break into the house in broad daylight and set the alarm off"

Also tell her the neighbours reported some shifty looking person had been going round the house peering in and the police advised you to get a burgler alarm and a (big, scarey) guard dog.

Let it blast every time she does it.

If you can't find one though and you cannot put up a fence high enough, you must just tell her straight. She will be annoyed about it but what else can you do?

I totally agree that general MIL bashing is not on, and have said so many times on here. But I wouldn't accept somebody looking in my windows no matter who they were.

If she had arranged to come round and you didn't answer the door then fair enough, she might be a bit worried and look in the window, but if she's turning up with no notice then it isn't on at all.

To me, it isn't about not wanting somebody's company. It's about having a say in when and where you enjoy that person's company.

I sometimes hit the 'busy' button on my phone even when it's my dearest friends ringing. I'm not always up to having a chat. This isn't a slight on them, or a measure of my lack of respect. I just don't feel I have to be available to everybody all the time.

But I do agree that really, you have to tell her how you feel. You can do it in a diplomatic way, but if you simply don't tell her then she'll never know that you don't like it.

Just give her a key so she can let herself in!

;)

When I gave up work to be a SAHM to my newborn a casual acquaintance took to calling in virtually every night after she had picked her own two primary age children up, and they would jump all over my furniture , whist she had a cup of tea etc. Our house at that time was small enough to see all of the down stairs if you looked in the kitchen window and the living room window so she could always see I was in. In the end I took to going upstairs with my baby and staying there for an hour every night after the school came out and ignoring the door! She didn't like me "not being in" at all and pretty much stopped bothering with us at all. Obviously I was just a convenience.
I would advocate the hiding out upstairs or being out a lot plan .

I thought OP has a bungalow so hiding upstairs would be sitting on the roof

Hi all, plenty of debate on this.

ZZZen You are correct - we are in a bungalow so no upstairs to escape to and I have a feeling if we did hide out dd1 would tell her Gran anyway and I would be

The MIL deer made me laugh.

I hate the idea of having to hide out or leave the house to avoid her.

I'm going to have to say something, aren't I?

I'll have to think about it.

I'm not good at confrontation and she is the kind of person who ALWAYS gets her own way while all the time maintaining her polite image.

My mil has a habit of calling when we're eating - one classic mil calls we're eating - she puts sil on the line and it's the usualthey're trying to manipulate dh into something a fight starts he slam the phone donw - the phone rings again - I pick it up - it's them and I pass to dh - 1 min later he slams the phone down again - it rings again - this went on 11 (not joking) times and I picked up the phoned and yelled 'f off' - they wouldn't understand the words but honestly me and dh had two meals together per week and they had to intrude from overseas!

Just tell you mil - I hate being sahm because people often think you've got all the time in the world for them.

Erm, turn the phone off or turn the ringer off so it goes to answerphone. If you answer the phone each time and talk to them you are as much to blame as them. You can't have an argument if 1 person won't engage with you. We nearly always ignore the phone if eating. That's what answer phones are for.

We didn't have an answerphone - and quite honeslty erm - better they get the hint that dh didn't want to get embroiled in some shit at the time.

I don't feel I'm to blame - they are bonkers - I'd have the disconnect my line to stop them thinking they have 24/7 access.

What if when she came you said 'oh im glad your here I need to go to xxxx ' and then you go out and leave her with the children?

move

My fil used to do this. To be fair it was because he was in the area temporarily while working on his boat. But he used to just turn up with his mate, unnanounced when dd1 was 2 and potty training!! It drove me mad, esp as dd1 was really scared of fil's friend!

We did have words; I just asked if he wouldn't mind phoning in future as a matter of courtesy. He went mad saying he shouldn't have to phone to make an appointment with his grand-daughter

Oooh sexonlegs that's not goood! I was about to say that OP's mil might be mortified if she realised she'd crossed boundaries - perhaps she wouldn't if she doesn't feel there any!

The scary one is the dh and mil knocking on walls in code to each other when they wanted each other. Ooooooh noooooooooo.

looking in the window is rude, but ignoring the door when you know a member of your family (like it or not a mil is a member of your family) - thats not rude?

i am so glad i only have a daughter because after a few years reading this stuff on mn i know i would never want a daughter in law.

Yet it could be easily sorted out if the OP could start making it clear that visits should be prearranged.

This mil might not be aware that her behaviour is so odd and intrusive.

My mil thinks that all family homes are just that - if she lived in the UK she'd love me to drop in everyday and she'd want to do the same. I can't imagine having to have that convo with mil as she would think I was being outrageous - but not a problem I have as she isn't here.

If you don't answer the door however she might think there's a serious problem and call the police?

It sounded as though she only ignored the door if in shower or busy and MIL gave her no time to answer before she was peering in windows. I agree I think it's less rude to tell a friend or family member that you prefer to be phoned and arrange to see someone rather than have people pop in than it is to deliberately ignore them at the door.
I would ask her to phone, and ask her to stop peering in the windows.
Sometimes it's either you be rude or the other person continues to walk all over you and do things their way and you grow to hate them.
Rudeness or blunt speaking is sometimes necessary to clarify that you don't like a particular type of behaviour.
Really the OP should have told her MIL she didn't like the popping in and window peering when it started. A quick "please ring first, I like to know when I'm expecting gusests or I get flustered" and "please don't peer in the window's I'm always afraid you'll catch me changing or doing something I shouldn't be" should be fine.

I agree - this is an issue that has the potential to raise real and deep resentment -a bit of chat (firm or diplomatic - depending on how mil is) should sort things - might be awkward at first but surely worth it in the long run.

My mil constantly called me when I had ds and it was very disruptive - I then asked her not to call at certain times and she was quite understanding as it happens - easy thing and it stopped anger building up on my part.

OP - be nice as your relationship sounds generally good. Something along the lines of 'when people just pop around without warning I find it hard to manage my time. Could we agree that in future you call first to check if it's convenient and if it's not we can find time when we're both free for a chat/catch up/cup of tea/play session with gcs.'

Yeah it was a bit scarey them bloody knocking on the wall to each other

Ha ha!

What on earth happens to some women when they have sons?

I can remember my ex-BF's Mum insisting on talking about my 'little knickers' at the dinner table in front of BF, BF's Dad and sons (who were six and ten at the time).

His parents would sometimes come up for the weekend and the first thing she would do is empty the laundry basket and put the washing on. She would then iron everything including my 'little knickers' and socks! If that isn't an invasion of privacy I just don't know what is. As this normally happened when I was out at work I just resorted to hiding the washing before she arrived.