I think MIL's behaviour is rude (unintentionally) but not sure how to handle it.

[suiledonne]

My MIL lives quite near to us and passes by our house on her way to and from work.

She regularly calls by unannounced which I can live with although not delighted by.

The problem is when she rings the doorbell if we don't answer straight away she walks around peering in and tapping on the windows.

It drives me mad. I wouldn't do this to her. She doesn't seem to respect our privacy or have any clue that occasionally we just don't want to answer the door.

My car is parked outside so she knows we are home.

Wouldn't it be more polite to knock/ring the bell a few times and then GO AWAY?

A couple of times I have been settling dd2 for a nap when she arrived and dd2 was completely disrupted.

She does it with the phone too. If she rings the land line and it is engaged or rings out she rings the mobile phone over and over.

Sometimes it is not convenient to answer. Why doesn't she understand that?

I'm not sure how to mention it without causing offence.

DH finds it amusing but then he is rarely here during the day.

What would you do?

wow! i can't believe how many people let people let themselves into your house

i'd get the fright of my life if i was in the bathroom having a poo and came out to find family or in-laws wandering around the house!

does everybody who lets their MIL let themselves in also feel happy to greet her naked en-route from the shower? or while epilating your bikini line or other private activities??

Nickschick

I think that would affect me badly! I have an image of them with walkie talkies tapping out morse code to one another! I suppose the wall knocking saved on phone bills but a bit spooky no?

Oh speckled - my mil gets right on in there - washes all my stuff (ruins most of it) and not only that she goes through my cupboards - having a nose under the guise of 'see my son can't live properly without me as he's not well looked after'. She has no boundaries. Worse, she'd come into dh and my room when we were asleep to look at ds in cot - this was every half an hour - so I got up and quiety locked the door and lo and behold she tried to get in for a minute or two and then shuffled forlornly back to her room. Bless her.

Don't get me started, giveitago...

She did a plan of the kitchen...
Peas - 2nd drawer of freezer
2 portions of chilli - bottom drawer of freezer
Baked beans - cupboard next to fridge
Blah
Blah
Blah
Yawn...

When we used to go and stay with them, she would gather up the boys' clothes after going to bed and put the washing machine on (including ex-BF's). She would then wait for the washing machine to finish, hang them up and get up at 6am to iron everything before we all got up.

I could go on and on...

Must admit, it did drive me mad. Now she is well and truly gone it just makes me chuckle. Mind you, if that doesn't smack of low self esteem I don't know what does.

I think im gonna be a mil from hell .

I dont think I can help myself.

At the minute all of ds's girlyfriends like me (indeed it would seem they want to be me by the amount of my things they 'borrow' and the texts and hugs i get)....

But I can imagine as soon as that gold band slips on their finger ill be drawing graphs of their knicker drawers,having skeleton keys cut and tapping on the walls..

"I don't see the problem-just explain politely and calmly why you don't like it".

That was where I went wrong with my MIL - as soon as she found out for sure that I didn't like something, she would do it ten times as much.

And I must emphasise that this was not just because she was unpleasant and perverse, but because she was my MIL. She was much keener to be horrible to me than to anyone else because she wanted to come between me and her son.

This is not 'mother-in-law bashing'. People who get on their high horses about the respect you owe to members of your family are themselves making a reckless generalisation.

I only said that because it is possible that she doesn't know she is upsetting-if she is generally toxic then ignore it.

Just tell her. Say "Would you mind giving me a ring if you're planning on dropping in? It's a bit awkward if I'm having a nap, or in the bath when you come over, I'd feel much more relaxed if I know you are coming".
In my first marriage my PIL were like this, they would just turn up unannounced, often bearing food she had cooked for us. (Yep, I want to put your pot of stew on when I've already cooked up a roast...). I hid behind an armchair when they turned up one day, peering in the windows, when I'd just settled with a book and bar of chocolate. Luckily I realised they would come round the back, because by the time they had walked right round the block, in our back gate and up the back garden, !, I'd rushed up the stairs to hide.
Last straw, she had a spare key in case we locked ourselves out. She lived a couple of miles away. Came home from holiday, she had cleaned the ouse, re-arranged the furniture, done all the washing, ironed it and... put it away in our drawers... Well, I hope she was ready for the interesting toys she found in my bedside cabinet. . I got DH to "borrow" her key back and never return it, and never let them in if they arrived without warning again.

This is hilarious reading, ladies! I cannot believe that grown women actually tap on doors, demand to be let in, turn up unnanounced.. etc. Patience of saints!

I'm not married, have a long term b/f though and he is lovely. His mum does make an effort to be pleasant and nice to me, shame mine doesn't extend that courtesy!

God, I would die if my inlaws came in to the house and did washing etc. I too have an interesting selection of "toys"!!

I would never in a million years dream of doing that.

I have a key to my parent's house, but when I go round, I always ring the door bell.

ShadeofViolet Tue 30-Mar-10 13:42:53

'The knocking all all the windows scares the life out of me too, or I look up and see her peeing through the windows...'

I haven't read the whole thread but am I the only one who nearly spat tea all over the laptop reading the above?

My parents are like this, they think it is okay to just come round unannounced, before I had small children it was fine. But the day after I had my son they were on my doorstop at 8am in the morning, and then when we asked them to leave as the midwife had turned up they refused!

I am quite blunt though and say how I feel, so I would just tell her you're not happy about it. What's the worse that can happen?

I think your MIL really likes you and is oblivious to the fact that her behaviour is annoying you. In addition she is also probably very lonely, I know my mum is. My mum behaved like this for such a long time, it used to really get on my nerves but I never spoke to her about it as it would have really upset her. She had no boundaries at all and would pop in any time she wanted. In the end she realised that sometimes it was inconvenient for her to come round as she would get there when we were going out sometimes.

I would suggest you come up with an excuse which covers a few days of the week so that she doesnt pop round and then she can pop round the other days when you know she is coming and it wont bother you much. To get the point of my mum not coming round so often I had to come up with a few believable porkies. Nowadays the combination of having moved further away from her and also her realising that she was being a bit excessive on the visits has resulted in a happy middle ground. If you like your MIL and also dont want your DH to be caught in the middle with you two warring then you should handle it carefully

Good luck

One mum who lives in our street was like that. It was really hard to handle, although i told her many times to give me call if she going park etc...
I dont know what is best with MIL, sorry not much help