Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think MIL's behaviour is rude (unintentionally) but not sure how to handle it.

114 replies

suiledonne · 30/03/2010 12:42

My MIL lives quite near to us and passes by our house on her way to and from work.

She regularly calls by unannounced which I can live with although not delighted by.

The problem is when she rings the doorbell if we don't answer straight away she walks around peering in and tapping on the windows.

It drives me mad. I wouldn't do this to her. She doesn't seem to respect our privacy or have any clue that occasionally we just don't want to answer the door.

My car is parked outside so she knows we are home.

Wouldn't it be more polite to knock/ring the bell a few times and then GO AWAY?

A couple of times I have been settling dd2 for a nap when she arrived and dd2 was completely disrupted.

She does it with the phone too. If she rings the land line and it is engaged or rings out she rings the mobile phone over and over.

Sometimes it is not convenient to answer. Why doesn't she understand that?

I'm not sure how to mention it without causing offence.

DH finds it amusing but then he is rarely here during the day.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
suiledonne · 30/03/2010 15:44

Wow, lots of thoughts and opinions on this.

It isn't that I don't want to answer the door to her.

It's more that I would like her to stand at the door and wait like a normal person to be let in.

And if on some rare occasion I decide in my own home, as an adult with my own life, not to answer the door she could respect the boundary of a locked door and not go around the house peering in. We have blinds, no net curtains and live in a bungalow so once she is at the window she is going to see everything.

We have a front garden with shrubs so not visible from the road.

No question of leaving the door unlocked. I have 2 small children and we live next to a busy road.

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 30/03/2010 15:44

GraceAgain, thanks but you don't need to "pick me up" on it - it's my opinion.

UsualSuspects, if you feel it disrespectful not to answer the door or pick up the phone every time, would you genuinely just keep answering it every time with a smile on your face if someone decided to pop round or call you 10+ times a day?

What I'm getting at is, it's all very well being nice and respectful, but not everyone is nice and respectful back (whether it's intentional or not) And when you're the one getting hassled in your own home and hinting hasn't worked, I'm sure it starts to feel very stressful like you can't escape!

Completely empathise with the op, it's so hard to have to bring these things up with people who just won't take a hint and have no idea they're upsetting you.

usualsuspect · 30/03/2010 15:49

I have no problem with people popping round really ...in fact I quite like it

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 30/03/2010 15:50

Suiledonne I think next time I saw her peering through the windows I'd answer the door with a "Sorry, would you mind not coming to the windows? I was literally getting dressed about 30 seconds ago and you almost got an eyeful"

cocolepew · 30/03/2010 15:51

I do open the door to my MIL I just don't let her in. I find it funny that the first people to shout 'MIL bashing' either don't have one or they live thousands of miles away.

My MIL is a wicked, manipulative bitch. This is why I hate her, not because she's a MIL. I wouldn't put up with the sort of things she does from anyone else (actually I probably would have had them arrested) so I'm not taking it from her just because she's 'related' to me.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 15:55

I have no problem with people popping in either but it does get tiresome when its 4/5 times a week and always, always at tea time.

Rude imo.

I like my mil its dh that can't stand her.

diddl · 30/03/2010 16:07

Most people knock& walk away if no answer-so how would they know that they are being ignored?

OP can you not just tell her that there´sno point looking in the windows-it doesn´t get you to the door any quicker?

Could put any bushes/flowers to stop her?

cocolepew · 30/03/2010 16:10

Barbed wire?

ZZZenAgain · 30/03/2010 16:12

I was thinking fence and (locked) gate but brambles, thorn bushes also not bad

SugarTits · 30/03/2010 16:24

suiledonne - I completely understand how you feel as my MIL does a variation on this. She doesn't even ring the doorbell, but opens the side gates (which involves a hefty kick) and knocks on the windows. We haven't been in this house long and I really don't want this to be the norm. Each time I've said 'oh sorry I didn't hear the doorbell' and she just says, 'no I didn't ring it'. What am I supposed to say to that? The other day she came around in the evening and ds had put all the blinds down, so I did wonder what she'd do. Unfortunately dh arrived home at the same time.

I just don't like having my privacy invaded.

Speckledeggy · 30/03/2010 19:05

Ooh no! I'm a very private person and hate people turning up unannounced. I wouldn't be able to put up with it either so feel your pain!

Bit difficult to 'hide' in a bungalow so I would just answer the door and say it's not a convenient time then I would say I would call her later to arrange a CONVENIENT time for her to visit. You could put your coat on and pick your keys up for effect. You don't need to tell her why it's not convenient or where you're going. In fact, it's better if you don't!

If you do this repeatedly the old crow may just get the message.

Dominique07 · 30/03/2010 19:34

On the plus side she must really like seeing you!

2rebecca · 30/03/2010 23:52

It sounds as though you are going to be blunt and just ask her to stop the banging on the windows thing as you find it intrusive and ask her to ring first. If she had dragged me out of the shower with repetitive ringing she'd have got a mouthful about how I was in the middle of the shower and why couldn't she take the hint that it wasn't convenient for me to answer the door even though it was a convenient time for her.
Having a job is really good sometimes, I also run alot and cycle so could pretend I was out for a run if car there and not answering door, plus I walk to the shops.
I'd try and politely ask her not to pop round and particularly not to peer through windows.
I'd also do this if it was a parent, they accept I'm a bit antisocial though and don't take it personally.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/03/2010 02:37

My last house had a high fence along the street front, with a lockable gate. Brilliant for avoiding doorknockers of all sorts. Any chance of being allowed to put one up?

Ozziegirly · 31/03/2010 04:32

your MIL

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 31/03/2010 07:50

Ha! Clearly this is a worldwide phenomenon.

giveitago · 31/03/2010 08:26

I think that you should answer the door but don't let her in.

I don't think you are being disprespectful of not wanting her around all the time and and unannounced - she is being disrespectful of you and your home ie open house whenever she wants.

But you should answer the door - and say nicely it's not convenient and then arrange a time with her that is mutually convenient.

My mil is like this on the phone - when ds born she called all the time and I was just out of a c-section trying to breast feed and couldn't reach it - she'd just keep rining again and again - it was distruptive and stressful so took phone off the hook. In the end I did tell her it was very disruptive and if she could phone at more convenient times and I'd happily give an update on ds. She was very pissed off.

If I lived in her country she'd have a key to our home for sure. Agh!

nickschick · 31/03/2010 08:30

Think yourself lucky.

My mil had a doorkey and lived next door- she and dh used to do a special knock on the wall when they wanted each other- and i was not invited.

I used to often go into the living room and find her sat there or in the kitchen making a drink.

Shodan · 31/03/2010 08:44

I really don't get why people think it's rude not to answer the door if you don't feel like seeing anyone. I've always considered a doorbell or phone ringing to be just an indication that someone wants to talk to me, not an order that has to be obeyed. It's my right NOT to answer them if I so feel.

But then I have never liked casual droppers-in either and everyone who knows me knows this and would not dream of calling round without phoning first to see if it's convenient.

Youn must make it clear, in whichever way feels right to you, that this isn't on. Perhaps you could just open a window and say you're a bit busy? Less opportunity to misread that as a gesture that she might be welcome at that time than opening the door.

gorionine · 31/03/2010 08:44

Nickschick! I do not have a MIL and often wish I had one. I think some people have expectation that are far to high from their MILs but what you describe in just a few words is really really bad!

Suiledonne, my parents have a friend who does the telephone thing. They live in Switzerland and have the option with their phone to have a message that says "the owner of this phone number does not wish to be disturbed at the moment" when they want to go for a nap after lunch. This friend always calls them back on their mobile after hearing the message and always says "Why is there a message saying you do not want to be disturbed?" Some people never get it, no matter how many times you try to reason with them!

Shodan · 31/03/2010 08:46

FWIW- my PILs have a key to our front door and could let themselves in anytime.

But they don't- because they have manners. They will only let themselves in if it's already been arranged that they come round and I haven't opened the door- for e.g if I've suddenly had to deal with a stinky nappy. Even then they knock and wait first, then come in. And they asked if it was ok to do that too!

nickschick · 31/03/2010 08:52

Gorionine shes died now and she didnt like me I took her son away when hed been divorced and then gone back to her.

My fil on the other hand is a cracker!!!- if he comes round and im not in he makes himself a tea,washes up and puts cushions straight in fact dh is rather cross that fil obviously prefers me to him .....I think thats what upset mil too,FIL likes that Im a straight talker and very honest!! also i cook a tasty liver and bacon thing.

nickschick · 31/03/2010 08:53

When my MIL died in her address book was a section on me phone numbers of where i worked my dentist and my doctor .....shoe size etc etc isnt that a bit odd ??

trice · 31/03/2010 08:58

I had this issue with my FIL. He had knocked at the door and I wasn't dressed. I didn't want to answer the door and I was a bit intimidated by the man so I hid. He went around peering into the windows and spotted me. Then he gave me a big shouty dressing down for being rude!

If I had been a bit less of a scaredy cat I would have pointed out that it really wasn't me being rude. I was 23 though and a bit timid and he was a git.

If you can talk to your MIL then I would try explaining how you feel in plain english. I am sure she doesn't want to upset or annoy you. If I were in her shoes I would be a little bit hurt and defensive but I would rather know.

bintofbohemia · 31/03/2010 08:59

Oh god, my SM will ring the landline, then ring my mobile, then DH's about 10 times before giving up. Drives me up the wall. She then leaves messages implying that we must be either ignoring her or have all had some sort of fatal accident. This is despite the fact that we have a 3 and a 1 year old and if you call us between 6-7pm, we are never going to answer let alone have time for a chat.