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Original poster

I think MIL's behaviour is rude (unintentionally) but not sure how to handle it.

114 replies

suiledonne · 30/03/2010 12:42

My MIL lives quite near to us and passes by our house on her way to and from work.

She regularly calls by unannounced which I can live with although not delighted by.

The problem is when she rings the doorbell if we don't answer straight away she walks around peering in and tapping on the windows.

It drives me mad. I wouldn't do this to her. She doesn't seem to respect our privacy or have any clue that occasionally we just don't want to answer the door.

My car is parked outside so she knows we are home.

Wouldn't it be more polite to knock/ring the bell a few times and then GO AWAY?

A couple of times I have been settling dd2 for a nap when she arrived and dd2 was completely disrupted.

She does it with the phone too. If she rings the land line and it is engaged or rings out she rings the mobile phone over and over.

Sometimes it is not convenient to answer. Why doesn't she understand that?

I'm not sure how to mention it without causing offence.

DH finds it amusing but then he is rarely here during the day.

What would you do?

OP posts:

JustAnotherManicMummy · 30/03/2010 14:10

Flick her a V next time she peers in the window.

If that doesn't work I suggest mooning her.

Seriously I sympathise. My DM is just like this with the phone and inviting herself round. Thankfully she lives miles away. Or I'd have to move. She does not understand. Even. when. I. spell. it. out. slowly. and. clearly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2010 14:11

I don't think many of these posts smack so much as intolerance so much as a desire to want to solve the problem for their own sake.

Fortunately most come from family units where inherent dysfunction is unknown.

My own mother took to banging on the glass after knocking at my front door till I asked her politely not to do this anymore. I had to tell her to stop this because I did feel it was rude behaviour on her part.

To me there are marked differences between some of the MILs threads on these pages; many more serious problems relating to ILs relate to a lack of overall respect and boundaries shown not just towards the DIL but also their son and any children they have.

You have the "general" problems and the long standing issues which are not of the DIL's making at all. Some ILs and other family relations actively choose to be very difficult around other family members, it is the way they were made and has nothing to do with how the DIL or other relatives behaves towards them.

seeker · 30/03/2010 14:13

Am I rhe only person who thinks that it's incredibly rude nit to answer the door to someone who knows you're in?

seeker · 30/03/2010 14:14

Not- obviously!

ZZZenAgain · 30/03/2010 14:23

I think you have to tell it to her straight. I don't know how you can do it without causing offence though. Best get it over with and the situation cleared from your point of view. I would feel annoyed at this too. Maybe you should tell dh first so he has the option of telling her himself.

If she ignored what you said and continued as she has been doing, riniging and tapping on the windows, I wouldn't give in. But then I am a bit stubborn and I don't like people forcing themselves on me either.

Original poster

suiledonne · 30/03/2010 14:24

seeker In general yes, I usually answer the door if at all possible but with MIL it is the fact I have no choice that bothers me.

Once I had just got into the shower and started washing my hair when the doorbell rang. I wasn't expecting anyone so thought I would just let whoever it was go away.

Well the bell rang and rang and then I heard banging on the door. I panicked a bit thinking what could be so urgent and hurridly rinsed off, got out, put towel and dressing gown on all taking a bit of time.

When I finally answered the door it was MIL who 'just passing'

That surely isn't me being rude, is it?

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 30/03/2010 14:28

Has no-one else noticed that ShadesofViolet's mil is peeing through the windows? Now that is unacceptable behaviour.

diddl · 30/03/2010 14:29

I don´t think it´s any ruder to not answer the door than to repeatedly knock & peer through windows.

ZZZenAgain · 30/03/2010 14:31

I did notice that actually...LOL

Well maybe seeker has a point there. I don't always open the door unless it suits me I'll admit, however there is something in leaving someone on your doorstep whilst theym ost definitely know you are indoors and there is no doubt about it IYSWIM

I think what has to be made clear to MIL somehow or other is that you are not a drop-in anytime kind of person and that you would like her to call first.You don't want to offend her and now you're trying to be polite and make her feel welcome although her visits asre annoying you and you're hoping somehow she will click that it is not wanted IYSWIM

mitfordsisters · 30/03/2010 14:32

Is this a curse Tryharder?

'I hope none of you have DSes because you are destined to get the DIL from hell who hates you and tries her best to stop you from seeing your DS and DGC on some contrived pretext....'

Are you some kind of evil fairy godmother?

diddl · 30/03/2010 14:34

But if MIL is just passing & hasn´t made a great effort to get there & isn´t expected, why should the door always be opened to her?

DuelingFanjo · 30/03/2010 14:34

Its clearly not intolerance to dislike someone walking round the house rapping on the windows on a regular basis! That is just odd behaviour. You can bet that if she got her hands on a key she would just walk in uninvited whenever she wanted.

It's not a MIL bashing thread, it's bashing odd behaviour which happens to be that of a MIL.

Booboobedoo · 30/03/2010 14:42

Tryharder - there are some whopping generalisations and assumptions in your post. You've assumed a lot, and then got angry about it.

We're all individuals, as are our MILs.

I hope I'm not a 'DIL from hell'. I'm quite fond of my MIL, but (as my DH would be the first to say), she and Reality are not on familiar terms.

Just to pluck (one of many) examples, we had to get a Secret Santa present on Christmas Day (at MIL's house - her idea). I had to buy for SIL's new boyfriend, and bought a Stig keyring and a M&S tube of flying saucer sweets.

Got an e-mail three days later saying:

'Your secret santa put a bit of a dampener on my Christmas, as you appear to have bought (SIL's b/f) a cracker toy and some penny sweets. If I'd have known, I would have bought him a bottle of wine. I think we need to discuss this before next year.'

We're not all MIL bashers - some of us just have irritations and grievances to air.

And the OP sounds like a reasonable and tolerant woman to me.

diddl · 30/03/2010 14:47

I think it´s the thought that you have nothing better to do than see her every time she is passing.

If you don´t want to,you shouldn´t have to imo.

sowhatis · 30/03/2010 14:48

profyaffle - yesnoticed that aswell, thought it would have been jumped on by now!

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 14:59

I had this problem before I moved but she didn't knock, just walked in. 4/5 times a week. Didn't particularly bother me but dh was livid. Tbh his relationship with her suffered because he was sick of seeing her (he doesn't like her all that much anyway)

We moved. Actually closer but not as easy to get to iyswim.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 30/03/2010 15:02

TryHarder, I read your post in mild disbelief, but now I see that you don't really have a mil so that explains a lot. It's a bit like judging parents on their parenting when you have no kids of your own: it shouldn't be done.

You said "I bet you all wouldn't bother if it were your own mothers calling round...Or your own family and friends as opposed to inlaws"

Yes exactly, because they're your own family and you can just speak naturally to them and ask them to bog off. However when you get into a relationship with a man you are suddenly lumbered with his mother who may turn out to be good or bad, and just may have no sense of personal boundaries and consideration for others. Just because she happened to squeeze your husband out of her vag 30 years ago doesn't make her a wonderful person by default! although obviously many mil's are.

You say: "Your MIL is your family. If you don't like her, then at least you should pretend to out of loyalty to your DH and DC. She deserves respect, attention and not someone refusing to answer the door because - when all is said and done - you didn't want her company"

Sorry but that's bollocks, and when/if you ever start to see your own mil on a weekly/daily basis, I'll eat my hat if you don't start to find things which niggle you about her!

Why does a grown woman "deserve" attention just because she's related to someone you're sleeping with? Respect is earned. I respect my mil a lot, I'm nice to her because she's nice to me. But if she started knocking on my doors and windows relentlessly every other day I'd be justifiably pissed off because I deserve respect and privacy too.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/03/2010 15:05

Plus I don't think it is rude to not answer the door, especially if unexpected guests. Just as I sometimes don't answer the phone. My phone, my door and my time.

Last time I didn't answer my door, I was shagging dh in the kitchen.

Would you expect someone to stop mid shag to let you in for a brew?

ItsGraceAgain · 30/03/2010 15:09

umm, James, I just want to pick you up on this:
Respect doesn't have to be earned.
Everybody has the right to be treated with respect.

ericnorthmansmistress · 30/03/2010 15:09

Just because your car is parked outside does not mean you are necessarily in. If I was passing someone's house and got no answer from say two rings on the bell, I'd leave. No way would I go banging on windows etc unless I was expected.

This is not acceptable, you need to get DH to tell her. You are not rude, she is.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/03/2010 15:13

I feel it is disrespectful not to answer the door, unless you're in the middle of something you can't leave. It's good manners to answer and say, "Sorry I'm really busy can you come back later/phone/drop a leaflet/ etc"

It's also disrespectful to prowl around, knocking on window. Although it wasn't in my Mum's day. And she's deaf, so she does have a point that some people don't hear the door - although, if she had any 'boundaries', she'd realise that everyone else didn't go deaf when she did!

usualsuspect · 30/03/2010 15:17

I think its rude not to answer the door if you are in ..especially to a family member ..

lynnexxxo · 30/03/2010 15:26

I agree with usualsuspect, it is rude not to answer the door. Although I'd let of geekoftheweek, she has a valid excuse!

I might be alone in this but I wouldn't expect my MIL to knock, I'd expect her just to come in.

And if she comes so often that it bugs you then start giving her chores to do - 'would you mind awfully doing those dishes and putting that washing out and maybe mopping the kitchen, I've just not had a chance today and I really need a shower... (slopes off for a long, long shower'

usualsuspect · 30/03/2010 15:34

All members of mine and dps family just walk in without knocking ..so you are not alone lynn... and if someone ignored me when I knocked on their door I would be most pissed off

thirtysomething · 30/03/2010 15:35

she sounds very rude and demanding to me. i hate this attitude of "I want to speak to you NOW" that some mothers have where they try the door, landline and then repeatedly on your mobile. Unless it's an emergency it's very invasive. Everyone has the right to their own space and privacy from time to time.

Can't you just say if i don't answer the door/phone it's because I'm having a nap/bath/trying to get DC to sleep...that wouldn't be rude but it would be reminding her that the world doesn't revolve around her needs and that you have some rights and responsibilities of your own.

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