My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

Vicar -- xxxxx

OP, please take note. You must not sit by and let this man run roughshod over your precious children. Yes, it is tough. But you are a grown-up and you must take responsibility.

OP, I feel so sad thinking of your DC waking up early, needing a wee, scared they will wet the bed, tiptoeing across the loose floorboards, busting for the loo, heart sinking as they hear stirring from your bedroom knowing that step-Dad woke up and will probably be very cruel, possibly hit them as soon as he surfaces.

OP - is this really the childhood you want for your children?

I'm curious to know what his reaction is when his own DD wakes early/in the night. Does he find that intolerable too, or is it just when the boys do it?

This thread is really playing on my mind.

vicar hope yr DH is home now or soon. Not surprised you need a good cry. Hope he gives you a big hug and kiss.

Your children not knowing about your past? Well that is because you are not repeating it. Bloody well done to you.

i actually hate this man, op leave him ...or you will be just as bad as he is. dont enable him to damage your children.
If you dont - expect them to hate you when they become adults.

((Vicar))

I know your pain and have namechanged to give my experiences but have posted on this thread under my usual alias also.

My stepdad was horribly violent and especially cruel. The smallest thing would set him off into a rage. He would talk about me as 'it' and 'the girl' in front of me trying to humiliate and alienate me from my Mother.

I was made to eat my dinner off the floor because I was 48seconds late home after playing out (I had fallen over on the way home from running and my knees were scraped which had made me late)I know I was 48 seconds late because he was waiting for me with his watch in hand screaming 44, 45, 46, 47 as I ran down the drive. I was 8 years old then.

This behaviour didnt appear over night. It crept up gradually and my Mother still condones it to this day ('it was hard for him with you' and 'he was never that bad' and 'you dont know how lucky you are he put a roof over your head' etc etc)

Another time he pushed me down the stairs and then beat me for breaking the bannister.
There were many incidents and these are the ones I feel I can reveal without revealing myself iykwim. You never know who is reading.

Consequently I left home at 15 and went out of the frying pan into the fire. I allowed myself to be controlled for another several years by an ocd boyfriend who spat at me and threw the food I made him and the plate back at me on a regular basis.

My mother had made me feel this was normal, she instilled with me that this is what you put up with.

What YOU do is what matters to your children, more so than what he makes them feel when he hits them. If you stand up to him and show them that its not right and you are their champion, they will grow up better people for it.

If you found when your children grow up that your son was beating his children, your grandchildren, would you let him?

He threw a punch to me after I had left home, years later, whilst in a rage. I did not stand for that. He will not do it again.

My Mother choose her side back then and still now.

I hope that you do the courageous thing and accept that you and your children deserve better. If you cannot do this then please allow them to be fostered out to family or strangers.

Patience,

If this man had come into a family with older children, and established ways of doing things that weren't his, and he'd expressed some inability to understand his role and some frustration at the tension it was causing, then I'd say yes, get some help from somewhere, this is savable.

But actually, he can't tolerate your children at all, and never has. He shows them no affection or approval. He HITS them. He blames them for everything and refuses to contemplate outside help.

And now he's upping the ante by saying that he's going to leave (...but not actually doing so, I notice) and being furious about your children for 'causing' this.

That's why it seems extreme to us. That's why we say it's broken. If he'd come to you a couple of years ago and said, I'm having trouble here, your boys are X and I was brought up to expect Y, can we talk to someone? Fine. But he's not done that. He's spent years treating them with a mixture of anger, contempt and abuse. And now he's blaming them for his own unhappiness.

And you've said that control issues almost broke you up once before, and that you're having to push back and fight your corner to keep those issues under control. None of this is normal.

And if you go on with him, he will start treating your daughter like this too, when she's old enough to be defiant and individual.

My ex, who is my children's father, called one of our children 'that baby', hardly ever used her own name when talking about her. He treated her horribly, no patience, no affection, just constantly annoyed and angry. As I said, he is now my ex.

Someone who could be so angry at a small child has something seriously wrong with him, something that cannot ever be fixed. In the case of your H, OP, these children of yours mean nothing to him. They are a fly in the ointment because they remind him that you were once involved with another man, that you weren't always his property. They represent to him the trace of another man on 'his turf'. A caveman like you have on your hands with this sort of thought process/jealousy/anger inside him will not stop at whatever violence has been meted out to your DCs up to now. It will only get worse.

I've thought about all you've said and i must add that i am amazed at the way this thread has gone. Some huge assumptions have been made...
I have 2 son's that my husband is beating on a regular basis, and it is only a matter of time before he starts on me, in the meantime probably threatening the pets to show me what's coming. While i merrily allow it to happen not caring a jot for my poor children who must be adopted or fostered in order to have any hope for a good life.

While in actual fact, the children are 1 dd and 1ds, we are not maried, he is not sitting with a leather strap or similar waiting to beat them, we have no pets and i do not feel at any risk of being a battered woman! my children are definetly better off with me!

The only thing that i can see that you may have was easily misinterpreted was when i stated that the discipline has been physical. I have been slated for allowing my children to be abused. However i did state in my op that his discipline was the one sticking point in our relationship. Which surely implies that i have in fact brought up with dp in the past that it wasn't acceptable. otherwise it wouldn't be a sticking point would it?

I thought that if i asked on mumsnet i may hear some experiences of others who have dealt with similar issues successfully. i know some of you opened wounds to describe how horrible your childhoods were, and i appreciate that may have been hard,but my children are not in a similar situation. I understand that abusive relationships are drip drip affect and normalised by the victim but that isn't the case here. Yes he struggles to tolerate them but acknowledges that and knows somthing has to change.
The way he sees to change is to leave but he doesn't want to do that. He has no faith in counselling etc and feels low, doesn't make him the demon you are all imagining.

I am shocked at how many of you are shouting leave leave so easily when you only have a snapshot of our lives. I suppose i should have expected it. I really hoped for a link to some step family support to try and show dp a potential way forward. And in fairness to him, it turns out he has been looking for info himself which shows he isn't the man who needs locking up that you all think he is.

Perhaps this is my own fault that the thread has gone so extreme i should have been able to spend more time replying in detail so you didn't make so many massive assumptions. I wont be posting again and so wont make the same mistake again. I am also asking for the thread to be deleted as it has gone so awry.

OP - This thread is becoming so painful and upsetting to read.

Your dcs are living it these memories written here.

and hugs to all of you who have share their experiences.

Did you post on here before about a gift your dp pretended to bin??

That was a x post.

I am not sure that you should have the post deleted.

It may help others.

And you might want to read it again in the future.

I wish you and your family every happiness.

OP I understand why you are upset with the assumptions that have been made. I wish you luck and hope that your dp can find the help he needs but have to say that if he struggles to tolerate two children he has been involved with since they were so small then I think these problems may be pretty deep rooted.
Above all even if you dislike the way this thread has gone - be absolutely sure you are always putting your children first as you dont want to look back - or have them look back and regret the damage that was done to them.

OP has walked. Not capable herself of finding links to step parenting support.

WTF?

So hands over ears, then. Gobsmacked that you would defend your denial, Patience, and backtrack over everything you yourself said about this caveman who 'struggles to tolerate' your unfortunate children. Struggles to tolerate.

Hoping it won't take a disaster to make you come to your senses. Change your name to CourageRequired.

ok. good luck.

see you around later

Perhaps this is my own fault that the thread has gone so extreme i should have been able to spend more time replying in detail so you didn't make so many massive assumptions.

You didnt reply in detail more often because you said that he would be there. What else are people going to assume if you cant use the computer around him? My dp does not peer over my shoulder as I type. That would be controlling behaviour...

I wont be posting again and so wont make the same mistake again. I am also asking for the thread to be deleted as it has gone so awry.

Im not sure why the thread would need deleteing unless you feel so uncomfortable faced with the truth of the situation that you want to bury your head?

I hope somebody steps up for your 4yo and 7yo as this last post contradicts all your others. You obviously choose him.

Math - you beat me to it.

Fingers in ears going lalalallalala

I hope she's right.

maybe it's just a wind up?

[yawn]

Unlikely - yyy me too. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And op got all those posters to crack out some really painful stuff.

Pattern?

vicar I hope you are ok. If the op was half decent she would have acknowledged your letter and thanked you.

FFS OP REREAD SOME OF YOUR PREVIOUS POSTS AND YOU WILL HAVE YOUR ANSWER!!!!

Thu 17-Jul-08 22:59:49

BlaDeBla he is sulking because i pulled him up on how he treats my DD, (not his) I feel he is sometimes too harsh and he is always ready to pounce on her and tell her off. Basically he dosent like her but its not like she is a top he dosent like that i can discard. She is only 5 ffs, he should behave like an adult

He is ignoring the older two children(both mine, not his) when they talk to him. Normally he keeps them quiet when i am having a lie in but today let them run around loudly, up and down the stairs etc. I suppose this is his way of saying "see what happens when i dont discipline the kids..."
But i was lying in bed listening to them and they sounded like they were having so much fun. It was lovely as they are usually so bound up in rules and "be quiet", "stop that" etc. I have noticed that there have been a lot less tears and tantrums this week, and i am not as irritated by them as normal. Probably because i am not worrying about them annoying him. Got a bit of a f*ck it attitude. Let them be children.

He and his dad have a saying, "treat them like dogs and they will respect you for life" He also says "my two have turned out alright

re my dc's...well today my dd (5yrs) has been asking, and i can only be as honest as a 5 yr old can understand. ie Mummy and X dont agree on something so we are thinking about how to make it better. And X isn't talking because he is thinking about it so much. I have implied that its not the best way but x is learning how to do it better, iyswim.

It is about control freakery and we are both prone to it, (is anyone not??) but i refuse to be controlled about this hence my stance. Many things i will compromise on but not this. I feel if this is resolved then my dc's will benefit. If not resolved then i probably will have to consider leaving, or it will affect them in a way i am not prepared to allow. But i really hope it dosent get that far....fingers crossed.

''i do not feel at any risk of being a battered woman! my children are definetly better off with me! ''

Oh well! As long as you are not at risk and its only your dc then thats ok then.

Qbee, the OP seems to be very selfish indeed....this has been an issue for so long it seems and 2 yrs ago posted that he was sulking because he had been ott with discipline for the then 5yr old and the OP had pulled him up on it.