My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

How dare he blame your children, and to be honest i am shocked that you want to save this relationship. he is clearly a selfish, cruel bastard.

please put you children first.

OP is not going to listen.

In my mind, she is as bad as he is.

Those poor babies.

Your partner doesn't love your children. He is abusive towards them and they are miserable. There is no middle ground in that because it's utterly unacceptable. Children can't thrive with 'a little bit of love' or 'only occasional physical abuse'. It has to stop.

You need to understand that you are not the only person who has noticed this. Your friends and family will have seen this too and eventually things will get so bad that somebody will have the balls to interevene. Potentially then you will have the fallout from being a parent who has allowed abuse to continue. Is that what you want?

Can't help wondering what's going on in the OP's house today. Is she treading on eggshells, waiting for one of her kids to make a noise that irritates him? Or is he being OK today, and she's desperately trying to see this as a sign that it might all work out in the end.

Until the next time.

I wouldn't live with anyone one who couldn't tolerate my children. Love me-love my children-we came as a package or not at all.You must put your DCs first OP.

Can't get this thread out of my mind. Have been mulling over the OP's posts plus the excellent advice given. He can't seriously be proposing that OP get rid of her 2 children, can he. So what is his game?

Have you recently made any changes, OP? Been more than usually firm when telling him to stop hitting your children? Because he's upping the ante, to my mind - 'well if you think it's that bad I'll have to leave and look what you'll have done to DD's life' I notice he shows no signs of ACTUALLY leaving but the threat has reined you in nicely, eh, all tip-toeing round him.

Call his bluff, get him out, save your children.

Get rid! Unless of course you'd rather settle for the astronomical therapy bills your three (yes - all three - your youngest one will suffer too from the tense atmosphere at home) will run up once they escape this selfish, mean, misguided man.

Stand up for yourself and your kids - he's a shit who needs to do some major growing up and soul searching before he qualifies to be anyone's dad, stepdad or partner.

I really feel for your kids - I know from my own childhood that walking on eggshells around an idiot with a nasty temper is like growing up in a prison.

PS - I really feel for you too, of course. What a terrible situation to be in. But it's great that you are talking about it. If my mum had had mumsnet, maybe she'd have escaped her emotionally abusive partner long before he managed to do our heads in to the point where we thought his behaviour was normal.

I have split up three yrs ago with my youngest sons father. He was horrible to my 2 older children, that were not his. He would shout at them and gave no positive words to them ever. I left in the end cos he was physically aggressive towards me.......he had a lot of anger inside him..
My son is now 9 and my older 2 are 21 and 19 . They thought him a Twat. I still feel quilty now as i feel Exs' influence damaged my daughter through her teenage years. Should have left him earlier. However, its not necessarily what you should do and people on here shouldnt tell you what to do . They are not in your position. At the end of the day it is your decision and your husbands. A VERY hard one to make as the youngest child is his. It may damage the older 2 kids staying with him, but only you can make that decision. Do they like him or not ????
Whatever you decide i wish you all the very best and wish you future happiness. You deserve it . No one should have to be in these horrible shitty positions in relationships. Its so SO hard. HUGS ! X

maltesers - so you only left when he was aggressive to you and not when he was abusive to your children?

IME once the children reach a size/age where they can fight back, that's when these 'men' start on their dp/dw.

Tanga, I agree with your insights. Upping the ante is not a hopeful sign. Eventually this man will take out his incurable anger on the OP in a violent way. Up to now he has been hinting at her, through his treatment of the children, as to what will happen to her if she steps out of line and gets uppity.

Some abusers injure pets as a way of inducing a climate of fear in their homes and as a way of testing the waters and assessing the resistance they will encounter -- this one possibly hasn't got a pet to kick around and is using the children, or maybe he went straight for maximum pressure as the children were already there (and someone else's anyway). Maybe he sees the children as little more than pets? Abusers are devious and usually intelligent, and can persist for a long time in order to achieve their aim.

OP, you owe this man nothing. When you say you need to be sure you've given the relationship every chance before calling it quits, have you asked yourself Why?

That's exactly what I thought, Fabs.

'No one should be in these horrible shifty positions in relationships. It's so SO hard. HUGS! X'

If there's a prize for the most mealy-mouthed, bury-your-head-in-the-sand response, that one should win it.

How about 'No child should have to be in this horrible shifty position thanks to their mother's lack of action on their behalf?'

OP, feel very sorry for you.
The only thing I can add to this is that we do not know the whole story - just a snapshot on the internet. Perhaps he is wonderful, but just can't articulate that he finds being a SF hard (trying to be positive now).

I will admit (being a SM) that the relationship I have with my own children and my DH's children is very different. But I didn't know them as tiny children. If I had chosen to raise them (as that is the choice he made when he married you) then I hope I would have worked really really hard at making it good as can be.

Please seek some help in RL, not just rely on internet advice as we don't know the whole story.

Actually, surely the job is half done? He's said he wants to leave, as he can't stand her kids. Fine. Off you F*.

Those poor, poor little children. I actually want to take them home with me and let them run around and make as much noise as they like and shower them with love.

Obviously I meant 'shitty' - Mr Apple is trying to keep me polite.

clam, I'd bet quite a lot of money that if actually asked to leave he will be surprised and displeased.

I think he's threatening to leave so he can do more bullying when he stays. It doesn't sound like he has any real intention of leaving,

agree with tanga's assessment

i also agree with tanga. bullies think like bullies. they dont think someone might actually stand up to them, when they do they usually back down.

OP....this is really hard for me and you might not think he is that bad...but im going to write you a small extract of the letter i found that i wrote when i was 10. this is how your children may one day feel. i never thought it was that bad. even now, feels like it happened to someone else. i think you burying your head in the sand....

ok. here goes. from the 10 year old me in your childrens position complete with childish spelling errors - i wrote to my older sister...i want you to understand what its like for your children. not so much the physical stuff as the emotional stuff.

"dear x i just thought that i would write to you and tell you a few things that have happened to me lateley. (you know!) about (HIM). just lately he hasnt been so bad but hes been making me quite upset and angary with some of the things he has done. ill tell you about a few things he has done......
its about dad. Write. ill begin (by the way it happened quite a long time ago) I was sent into the kitchen to wash up. i was a bit slow and after about an hour dad came in. He asked me why i was so slow (by this time i was just about finished!) Then he went out side and pulled up one of the canes out of the garden and then he came back into the kitchen and he started hitting me with it. i began to cry and i just turned round and looked at him and he said " turn round and get on, and dont look at me i dont want to see your ugly mug (mug means face) I started crying even more and i was hit with the stick again and then he kicked me and then he grabbed me by the hair and made me go to bed. i thought that i would never speak to him again but worst luck i had to. Now hes turning mum like that and i just dont know what to do. i wish that mum had not married him because i HATE HIM. He seems to really enjoy hitting me. Once he hit me in the eye and next morning i had a small bruice under it. i just wish i could come and live with you. Im getting really fed up with it all. I hope you can read my writing its a bit untidy but im writing this letter in bed. These are some of the things im not allowed to do. Not allowed to pick meat off the bone with my fingers. I have to bite it off with my teeth. Im not allowed to stop washing up. Im not allowed to all of one thing on my plate first. example. say i had meat and veg. Im not allowed to eat veg first and then meat, ive got to eat it all together......"

i signed it off there as it was half past nine...i put "all my love and kisses for you"....

it was dated 14th december 1982. my sister must have kept it for all those years. i know she felt helpless. the physical abuse i could cope with but the fact that my mum let him i couldnt. i think i have blocked alot of the emotion associated with this stuff out. the name calling etc. the feeling of absolute desolation is what i remember.

please, i have not looked at that letter for 6 years, why i kept it i dont know, maybe it will help you decide what to do. now i should go and name change. im not looking at this thread again.

Oh vicar,

vicar. Brave girl for writing that out.
{{hugs}}
That feeling of knowing that your mother did nothing is Just as bad as the actual treatment. I hope you are ok.

Very very sorry you had to suffer so much. I expect you are a wonderful, caring and loving mother.

Vicar, I hope you're mothering yourself now.
And the best form of revenge is to live a good life, as I'm sure you know (sorry for cliche - feel inadequate).

i didnt click hide. i want to know what the op does.
im sat having a sob for the 10 yr old me, so thankyou ladies for the hugs. my DH is at work and the kids are in bed so the hugs are appreciated. i found that letter when my sis died in a car crash in 2004.

by contrast my kids couldnt be more loved or wanted and they know nothing of my childhood. my earlier years were good, i was brought up by unconventional but loving grandparents until i was 7 when my mother married him (funny how i put 'HIM' in brackets when i was little....)

anyway, i just want the OP to see what damage it does.

ive been so lucky. im good. but thankyou. x

Heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your letter.

Don't care if it's not allowed on here.
I wanted to cry when I read your letter. So glad you're in a good place now.