My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

Op - you must be in bits at the way this has gone and various of us telling you how it feels as an adult to be treated in a similar way to how your children are now, must be hard to take. Can you see we are trying to help? We are trying to help you stop your children growing up and feeling the way that I and many others on this thread do?

My mother not only put men before me she dumped me for them and wouldn't have me back with her because her boyfriend didn't want to pay money for his son as his ex threatened he would have to do if he took me in.

It is not easy knowing you mean so little to your mum. Now I am sure you love your children all the same and want the very best for them but your H does not feel the same and you have to make a choice now and as a mother I would say your children have to come before your husband.

Good luck.

OP I can only agree with everyone else here I am afraid.

In my case it was my mother who didn't want me or my siblings - or she wanted her OM more. She left when I was 12, to live with her OM. They had a daughter who has been pampered and preened beyond beleif while I was a starving student - had a car and a flat bought for her while dh and I struggled in the early years of our marriage (oh mum lent us money OK. Half-sister was given it). I do really think that a lot of this came form the OM (who is officially my Stepfather, though I will not honour him with the title). He hated the reminder that my Mum had been married before that me and my sibs brought.

I remember the time I looked up (stupid, stupid) my Mum's profile on Friends Reunited - and it named my half-sister and said "oh and I have 3 children from my first marriage" or something like that.

I stayed with my Dad and have a stepmother - who is the furthest from what you describe than anything I can think of. She took on another primary school age boy and 2 teenage dsds and loved us as her own. In his credit, my Dad took on her 3 boys in a similar way, they call him Dad.

Please, PLEASE don't make any more trouble for your family. I don't speak to my mother and can't see that I ever will again. Or my half-sister. Or, sadly, my dsis who has swallowed everything my Mum has told her about me and my "problems" with her.

I'm depressed, I'm in therapy, I'm improving daily!!! Please don't let your children ever have to write this!

Ok, ok, ok, i get it. I get all your points, although they have made hard reading. I need to reread and digest them all.

In the meantime thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. i'm sorry that it may have made some of you remember things you would rather not.

Also i would like to clarify that i didn't scarper, i was busy with the kids and just the usual stuff that needs to be done.

in answer to some of your questions,
Yes we met when DD was 3.5 and DS just turned 1. I made it quite clear that he was wasting his time chasing me as i had two so young and had just split from my husband. He persisted, and now says he thought he was up to the job but obviously isn't.

My EXH is a true waster, he hasn't seen his children since last August and last phoned them on Christmas. I pick good 'uns eh?

And yes sometimes the discipline is physical, as i said i know its wrong. I know it needs to change. But sometimes change isn't easy. Neither is the eggshells we are living in at the moment. But i will find the strength from somewhere.

You all seem so extreme though, (regardless of what i should do) there must be a middle ground, like support from a step family group, or course or anything??? guess i want to make sure i have done all i can, cos isn't that what you're supposed to do...

Before i go just want to say that i may not get on pc till mon am but that is not because i have scarpered but because he may be around. Again thanks for all your replies.

I think that some of the posts on here suggest that he is beating your children, this is not stated and no-one should presume that this is the case. He may be having a midlife crisis but if your children are being affected (emotionally or physically) then you should tell him to go. As much as you may love him and he loves you, those poor children will suffer for your happiness. You will find happiness again, with someone that will take on your DC and learn to love them. Which will in turn make a very happy family life for you all. My DP is not my eldest childs dad, but he still respects him as a child and loves him as though he is the dad.

Stay strong, and remember your kids have to come first. They are only kids for such a short time, make the most of them without stepping on eggshells all the time.

x

If your dh refuses to admit that he's the cause of the problem then no amount of courses and counselling will make a difference.

For your children's sake he needs to go asap. Your relationship with them is far more important than a relationship with him.

That came out really wimpy, don't flame me. i get all your points. Guess i'm in more turmoil that i realised. i just need to gather myself and my thoughts.....

I will not let my children describe their childhoods as some of you have on here, promise.

Thank God for my fab friend on the end of the phone.

I think if your DH can sort out his issues then maybe there's a future for you - but your firse responsibility has to be protecting your children.

Good luck, PR.
I hope it works out for all of you. Not an easy situation for you.

OP - you said in your first post that your DP will not consider any kind of therapy or outside help. So whay would a step family group do? Your DP has no trust in what they can achieve so it will be a waste of time for all involved.

So your DP does hit your children then: "And yes sometimes the discipline is physical, as i said i know its wrong. I know it needs to change. But sometimes change isn't easy." No change isn't easy but it should be a damn sight easier than you as a mother standing by and letting your DP hit your small sons for transgressions such as going to the toilet at 6am and waking people up, or eating with their mouths open.

"You all seem so extreme though". Yes, well there you are. Grtowing up in an environment like this is pretty extreme for your sons as well isn't it.

"guess i want to make sure i have done all i can, cos isn't that what you're supposed to do..."

doing all you can to keep your children safe comes before doing all you can to save your marriage

In your words he can not tolerate them and is physical in his disipline of them and yet you want to attend a help group for step families? I think its gone past that myself

'make sure you have done all you can?' to allow this man access to children he despises?
I think you need to re read your own posts.
;change isnt easy' ??? Are you a victim of the physical abuse he is dishing out as well as the emotional? Why excuse his behaviour?

The fact that nobody has linked you to a cutesy fluffy self help group is indication you need to address if this is the safest route for your family.

Is he left alone with these children?

if your marriage is the thing putting their wellbeing at risk (and it emphatically is) then you make sure you do all you can to end it quickly

So you let this man hit your children?

You have already let them down hugely - please get rid of him now.

don't be one of those fucking awful women that will always put having a man above caring for her own children.

The fact that he hits your children I find upsetting.

Good on you for coming back OP. That must have been hard as people really haven't pulled punches here.

I am only going to be adding fuel to the fire I'm afraid but I was struck by the last sentence of your OP :

'It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together'

But you are not a couple first and foremost. Your primary responsibility is to your children. And if he is your priority then I think you should seriously consider giving custody to their father or putting them up for adoption. Yes I know that sounds horribly melodramatic. But unless you are prepared to prioritise them over and above this relationship and every subsequent one, then it is horribly unfair on them.

I'm sorry, I've just realised I'm very cross, I just don't understand how you can be happy as a couple when he is horrible to your children, I really don't.

I have been to case conferences and dealt with children put on the Child Protection Register in situations similar to this.

I find it heartbreaking.

You want support to let the abuse of your children continue?

There is such a thing as emotional abuse. This is what YOUR little children experience daily. What YOU allow your children to live through

I am sorry but this sickens me.

Nobody seem to love your children. Not their biological father, not the father they live with, and their mother does not love them enough to protect them and stand up for them.

At some point, your darling husband may leave you, or step up the abuse to include you, or his own dd. And maybe your kids will too. And you will grow old and alone, and THEN you may regret that you did not ensure your children had a good, loving and secure happy life.

Karma my dear. I hope it finds you.

when as adults your children ask why mum what will you say?

I have a sad feeling that you will continue with this relationship at the detriment af all else.
I hope for your childrens sake somebody intervenes.
It would break my heart if anybody laid a finger on my dc and if I was responsible for empowering them to do so by not removing them from harms way I would have failed as a mother in my eyes.
These are not rowdy teens trying to get a rise out of him(still not acceptable) these are babies who need your protection.
Your flippant 'ok ok ok' made me so upset and the fact you think we are being extreme in pleading with you to help your own children escapes belief.

OP what everyone is saying might sound extreme. It's because we're all outsiders and are horrified and worried by it, where you're in the situation and in a fog of manipulation. What we say here won't make a difference, it has to come from you. Tell him that you love your children to much to carry on. Tell him he got with you under false pretences and now you know that, it's time you moved on. Then, as he speaks, feel every word, look into his eyes, analyse him, feel the anger rise. Wake up to him. This might be a gradual process, but it needs to happen. seeing him is the first step

Please let's try and be supportive to the OP here. She was brave to post this and brave to come back and post.

Yes - i feel the same as you all do. My heart is beating faster reading all this and picturing those 2 little children and thinking of their plight with this man BUT - the fact that the OP has posted and is coming round to the knowledge - not the idea as she already has that- that the situation has to end is positive. If you are all too harsh she may disappear from a place where she has been told she can find support and refuse and retreat into the situation again.

We really need to be encouraging and urging her forward with this rather than disparaging and critical.

What's done is done OP - move forward now and change your lives - all 4 of your lives for the immeasurably better. Your children are still young and they WILL recover if you act very soon and start making enquiries as to how to end this relationship and get support from the right places.

But you do have to do it you now. Your children are helpless and completely dependant on you - you can and must be their champion.

This is going to be very blunt, but if you cannot protect your children, then let them go somewhere else where they come first. Fast forward a few years when your children will be able to tell the difference between how they are treated and their sister, who he obviously favors. But by this time, the damage will be done and will be too late to repair living with a man who hates them.

These poor children deserve better. Living with a man who complains the floorboards squeak when they walk on them .

And no, I've never heard of a step father hating his step children like your DH does. So please don't get the idea that it's normal, because it's not.

It's make your mind up time. Your DH or your kids.

Is he abusive towards you also? Would you stand for that if he was?
Is he ever alone with these children? I can only imagine his sttitude towards them when you are not there if they are not allowed to walk around and chew when you are.

The reason we sound so extreme is that you have normalised your situation. That's entirely natural and we all have our own realities. Your life is your life and it's normal to you. But to us, we're outside the situation and we're all really worried about the emotional abuse.

The physical stuff might be a red herring, I don't know. Are we talking a light smack rarely? Are we talking smacks that are harder than that and more regular? Are we talking bruising? What?

At least your partner is honest. He does not want your children in his life anymore. He wont say it outright, but he wants them to live elsewhere. Maybe that is the best thing for them. Can you enquire about finding a foster home for them? Speak to social services? Tell them that your husband is abusive and you are chosing him and your new daughter, and would hope they can find somewhere else for your children to live?

btw, if there isnt something inside you screaming "NOOOOOOO!" at what I said above, then I truly despair.