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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

365 replies

PatienceRequired · 27/03/2010 15:46

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 27/03/2010 17:55

'And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.''

Oh diddums. FGS he knew when you met you had 2 children.

I assume you had split with the older children's father before the youngest was born since the youngest is 4 and you have been with him for 4 years.

This is just unacceptable to continue, sorry, but you will fuck up your kids lives when they find out you chose him over them.

Portofino · 27/03/2010 18:05

A decent man would love those children like his own, having been present for so much of their short lives. If there was to be any "resentment" it should maybe directed to a "hypothetical" closer relationship between the dcs and their birth father. I could understand that to a degree. Anything else makes him a bastard.

copperjar · 27/03/2010 18:07

What does he want you to do? Put the older two into care? Locke them in a cupboard?

Unlikelyamazonian · 27/03/2010 18:17

When you come back to this thread PR, I hope it is in the full knowledge that the 'relationship' with this man is over.

I was a step-mum to my exh's two little girls and I loved them totally. Their mother made my life hell and they were troubled girls but that only made me love them more.

Your vague use of the term 'discipline' is very worrying.

Where is your dc's birth father? If he is not on the scene then you have a double responsility to protect them.

Your shocking and naive para is this:
"He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship"

Only 'sticking point' ??? So he can cook a bit, fluffs up your slippers and is a good shag I suppose.

Words fail me.

skihorse · 27/03/2010 18:18

You want advice on reconciliation with a man who wishes to abuse your children?

zookeeper · 27/03/2010 18:24

What is the matter with you?????? He must be doing untold damage to all of your children. It must be miserable for the two eldest and the youngest will eventually be adversely affected by being treated differently to the others ..

dolphin13 · 27/03/2010 18:30

Those poor children.

Is their real father around or do they see this idiot as daddy.

This is cruel put your children first and tell him to shut the door as he leaves.

You deserve better as well.

blackmilkofdaybreak · 27/03/2010 18:39

Tartyhighheels - I'm a product of a similar situation except that my mum brought a few different men into our lives (4 main ones), I relate to what you've been through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

For the OP - I would think very, very carefully about where your priorities lie. My mother prioritised her partners and work over us and we do not have much of a relationship these days. The real damage was done from about age 10 when my mother thought she had done her duty and started to move herself out of my life. I can honestly never forgive her.

Women without partners sometimes don't want to hear this but if you have children I believe they have to come first, before your desire for a relationship. I had years of people telling my how 'grateful' I should be to have a mother working full-time providing for us, how great she was, how I should shut up and let her have some happiness and how I shouldn't be selfish. It seriously detracted from me having a childhood. If you are a single parent family or a step-family your children need masses of emotional support and that is the most important thing, you can't make it up to them later.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2010 18:44

op, where are you ?

do you have any response to the direction this thread has taken?

Maggie00 · 27/03/2010 18:47

I can't believe that women would routinely do this to their kids. Did they need to appear to be in a couple so badly/?

FabIsGettingThere · 27/03/2010 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StillSquiffy · 27/03/2010 18:57

Someone close to me was in a similar situation - his new wife was OK-ish (but only just) to the SC's until they had a child of their own and then she turned into a nightmare to the SC, whilst being perfectly normal to their own child.

My friend put up with it for 9 months then had to walk, leaving his beloved baby. But it was the right thing to do and he has never for a minute regretted it - ALL of the children have fared better for him doing this than had he stayed and he has a very loving relationship with them all.

Unlikelyamazonian · 27/03/2010 19:00

blackmilk for you. As a lone parent I totally agree. He only has me - and I have him (hurrah) and imo so long as I have breath in my body I will try to ensure he has a happy, fulfilled young life. Growing up leaves such a deep imprint.

I know as mine was troubled.

I don't give a shite about finding a partner. I am having too much fun and happiness seeing my little boy being so jolly and full of life, of interest in everything around him and making lots of friends.

I feel desperately cross about the OP.

AF is right - where are you OP?

Just listen and do not take too much offence. This is make or break time. It must be break time. Put your children first. They may then return the duty of care one day.

lucky1979 · 27/03/2010 19:00

I have seen a relationship like this developing, the guy (will call him G) has a DD from a previous relationship and the woman (call her W) has a DD and DS. They're all of a similar age between 8 and 11.

It's a horrible, unhealthy situation. G is ONLY interested in his DD, and "tolerates" the other two. The little boy gets the blame for everything, for example, G's DD kicked a ball at the garage about 5 times while everyone was outside - no one said a word. W's DS did it once and was shouted at, and the ball removed. It's a horrible, depressing situation to watch, and I feel so sorry for W's DS, he's a lovely little boy and he has to live with someone who really doesn't like him.

And if you think you're staying for the sake of your DD then you're kidding yourself. G's DD is pretty unpleasant about the whole thing, she's worked out her DF doesn't like W's DS and she is spiteful, she'll do things deliberately to get him into trouble with G and she tells him constantly "Daddy doesn't like you". I remember her saying to me once she didn't like him, I said "oh he's not that bad" trying not to get drawn into it and she just told me "yes he is. I don't like him. Daddy doesn't like him. Granny doesn't like him." It's making her really nasty and spiteful as she tries to lord it over him, do you want that for your DD?

Unlikelyamazonian · 27/03/2010 19:02

..not that duty of care matters one iota. My boy may have become a hermit in the sahara by then or an explorer or a milkman, busy and happily married with a life and family of his own.

so long as he is happy.

for OP

Monty100 · 27/03/2010 19:08

OP - I think you need to get this man out of your children's lives.

Vicar - your 17.08 post brought tears to my eyes. And Fab.

OP can you see how the mothers are held responsible for this misery too?

Bicnod · 27/03/2010 19:11

OP hasn't scarpered, she said she'd be back once she'd put her LOs to bed.

I agree with the majority on this thread - let him go. It will be hard at first but in the long run you will be so glad you did it - your children must come first.

Feel very sorry for you

Monty100 · 27/03/2010 19:12

Patience - I just re-read the title of this thread. Your children should not be blamed for his leaving. It's him that is at fault.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2010 19:13

I do too, bicnod

but not as sorry as I feel for those two small children

they don't have any choice in the matter

Bicnod · 27/03/2010 19:14

Yep, I agree AF. Which is why I'm sure the OP will do the right thing - it sounds like she knows what she needs to do.

What a horrible situation

AnyFucker · 27/03/2010 19:16

yes, bic

it does sound like she knows, deep down

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 27/03/2010 19:23

I agree with everyone else who has said this but your children are far more important then anyone else, it's his fault, he's the one with problems. He's given you an ultimatum, him or your children, it's children every time. Your children are part of you, he needs to accept them as such and make an effort or sod off.

TheSteelFairy2 · 27/03/2010 19:23

1 happy child (your and his dd) = 2 miserable ones.

Get rid of f*ckface = three happy dc and in time a happy Mum.

I am staggered by this man. Not you OP because ime when you are in relationships with abusive ar*eholes for any period of time you end up not being able to see the wood for the trees or right from wrong.

I too am a lone parent and I think I will remain so for the rest of my life. I can't imagine ever putting my dc and myself in so vulnerable a position. I am sure there are good ones out there but my own experiences and a thread like this just convince me I am best off alone with my dc.

sungirltan · 27/03/2010 19:30

i met a family professionally (i am a sw) few years back that the op reminded me of. the mum had two dcs from a previous relationship and a baby ds with her current partner. the partner was hugely resentful of the sc, so much so that they were sent to bed every night absurdly early so that mum and dad and new baby could have 'special time' together. i have often wondered about the self esteem issues that the older children will have now invariably developed and would also think similar of op's family.

Missus84 · 27/03/2010 19:31

OP, your children are not the reason he's leaving!

He's leaving because of his own problems. If he can't face up to them and sort them out, and instead takes this out on your children, you're all better off without him.

He's a grown man who can look after himself. Your children are so, so small and vulnerable and need you to look after them.