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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Left me......how the f**K do I cope?

114 replies

lilymolly · 09/03/2010 11:24

I told dp to pak his bags on sunday following a stupid argument about him going to the pub all the time.

Anyhow, he left and has not had any contact with me since

Leaving dd 4 and ds nearly 1 plus various other animals etc!

I feel like my world has collapased.

I am due to go back to work next week following a years mat leave and I dont think I can cope.

He has told me I can keep the house and he will continue to support me etc etc..

I have been making his life a misery apparantley, and the reason he goes to the pub is to get away from me

He do everything for him, and I mean everything (run his business, cleaning, washing, banking, ironing, even buy his fucking clothes)

Please tell me how to get through this next few days/weeks

How do I tell dd (4)? without bursting into tears?

DO I stay in the house or sell up and move somewhere else?

its a large house with land, so it needs some taking care of which I am not sure I can do alone.....having said that. I dont want to disrupt the children too much.

How do I persuade him to give it another chance?

we only got engaged last year, and he was only talking of extending the house and even booking a holiday last week? and now he says he cant stand me and never wants to be with me?

Please help me??

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 11:26

do you truly want him back if he can do this so easily?

what has he said about seeing the dc?

i wouldnt be persuading him to give it another go,best thing you can do is get on with sorting your life out.

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 11:27

sorry that sounded blunt!!

have you got friends or parents who you can rely on?

HappyWoman · 09/03/2010 11:31

dont beg - maybe he just needs some time to come to his senses.
Assume the worst that he has gone and try and sort out some practical things like childcare.

If you want to say anything - say you are sorry you lost your temper - DO NOT ACCEPT ALL BLAME, and that you are sorry it has come to this.

He is not being very fair if he can just leave so easily - maybe he was just waiting for you to say it iyswim.

Good luck and its ok to cry - tell your dd you are just very sad.

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 11:31

[smiles] its ok to be blunt

He has said he want to see the kids as much as possible and is going to look after them one day a week when I am back at work.

Yes I have wonderful parents and in laws and friends who I can ask to help me.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 09/03/2010 11:33

take each day as it comes - cry when you want to - eventually you will get fed up of that.

KerryMumbles · 09/03/2010 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 11:34

thats what is making me so mad

how can he walk away so easily from our family?

Its breaking my heart to think he can do that to the children

I wont beg, no way, but I am blaming myself he says its all my fault

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 09/03/2010 11:35

Focus on practical things - sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

HappyWoman · 09/03/2010 11:36

you have every right to be mad - he has been selfish - but remember you are strong and will cope with all this and find that you are in a stronger position because of it

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 11:39

I dont think I can cope with this at all.

I am a weeping mess, I cant even go to nursery to get dd as I am terrified of breaking down (a friend of mine is getting her)

Its work next week I am most worried about.
I am due to be away from home for 2 nights and to be honest there is no way I can do my job and look after the kids as a single mum....its too demanding

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 09/03/2010 11:41

it feels like - but you are aleady coping better than walking away

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 11:44

will he have the kids overnight? where is he living now?

as a lone parent you WILL cope....and be stronger because of it!

dizzydixies · 09/03/2010 11:45

lilymolly, do you have a welfare officer at work you can speak to re this? your HV and GP need to be informed as well. Breakdown of a relationship and returning to work at the same time after an extended leave period is a LOT to ask of anyone

start acting as if he's never coming back, get on with things and give yourself time to work out EXACTLY what you want

remember right at the beginning of this YOU were the one who told HIM to pack HIS bags so show him you can cope

snice · 09/03/2010 11:45

Do you actually know where he is? Has he gone to relations or something?

For what its worth I think he's behaving apallingly. He has had a tantrum and walked away from his responsibilities without letting you know how you can get in touch with him.

Please don't be grateful to him if he turns up again as if he is doing you a favour. You need to get angry. I am angry on your behalf.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you

dittany · 09/03/2010 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 11:58

He is staying at a local b and b but I only know that cos my neighbour told me, and he told me today that he is going to rent a house in our local village.

He has obv given it a lot of thought

dizzydixies i did not think for one moment he would go {sad]

OP posts:
dittany · 09/03/2010 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

junglist1 · 09/03/2010 12:04

You will cope! It's him that will regret it when he realises he'll have to do everything for himself!
Agree he sounds like a spoilt brat

HappyWoman · 09/03/2010 12:17

thats the problem with saying things you dont really mean. And you dont know how he is taking it either - maybe he really thinks you do mean it.

You do need to talk calmly to him about where you go from here.

Dont be frightened of telling how you feel - you have nothing to lose - but dont beg.

HappyWoman · 09/03/2010 12:19

but also if you dont want to lose him - you need to tell him what you feel.

coldtits · 09/03/2010 12:22

There is much more to this. I think he has somewhere to be. I think he has somewhere to go, and someone to go to.

I'm so sorry to say it, but it's what I think.

LittleMissSnowShine · 09/03/2010 12:27

Let the dust settle - make sure you tell someone in work what's been going on so they can make allowances for your new circumstances and will hopefully give you some support.

If your partner wants to rent his own house nearby, be calm and let him do it. He'll soon find out just how much fun running his own business and doing all his own washing, cooking, cleaning etc really is.

Then when things are less heated between the pair of you and you've had time to think it through, reconsider. Do you still want him back? Has the trial separation opened your eyes to problems in the relationship? If you're both willing to try again, the space will have done you both good and counseling will always be an option down the line.

But whatever you do, don't beg him to come back now. Put yourself and the kids first, and do whatever you need to to make things as calm and tranquil at home as you can. You have enough on your plate with two young kids and a job to go back to without letting your partner's attitude get to you as well. Good luck with it all

countingto10 · 09/03/2010 12:34

Sorry I am being cynical here too (only because it has happened to me . The fact that he upped and left without a thought for you and the DC, hasn't told you where he is and hasn't been in contact would suggest OW on the scene. Probably met her at the pub which is why he engineered the row
to give himself an excuse to leave you. It's text book and cliched (sorry).

Start to get angry about it (I'm sure there were times when you want to run for the hills too (but don't because you have and acknowledge your responsibilities).

Give him the impression that you are coping very well without (even if you are not) and get some legal advice. It may just bring him to his senses but again, if he is planning to rent somewhere this soon would suggest he has had it in his mind for some time and again this points to an OW.

Good luck.

LittleMissSnowShine · 09/03/2010 12:39

It might well be an OW but whatever you do, stay implacable and say nothing about it to him. If you fling accusations about it at him and you have no proof then it will make you seem hysterical and like you're not coping without him.

Def stay dignified and, like countingto10 said, give the impression you're coping v well without him so he has the opportunity to rue his mistake.

Cosette · 09/03/2010 12:44

I had a demanding job whilst being a single mother of 2 DCs aged 3 and 1, and it wasn't easy, but it is possible, especially if you have good support and family nearby. Think about getting an au pair - when mine were small the au pair didn't do much (if any) sole care, but did get them up and dressed and gave them breakfast in the morning, took them/picked them up from nursery/childminder, and did housework, put the washing on - which was all a great help. In addition she babysat so I could go to the gym or out to meet friends a couple of evenings a week, once they were in bed. One au pair stayed with us for 3 years, so did eventually also look after them overnight, as I was happy she was capable and able to do so (she is still a family friend more than 8 years on). In the early days my Mum would have my DC if I needed to be away overnight as exH moved too far away.

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