DP Left me......how the f**K do I cope?

[lilymolly]

I told dp to pak his bags on sunday following a stupid argument about him going to the pub all the time.

Anyhow, he left and has not had any contact with me since

Leaving dd 4 and ds nearly 1 plus various other animals etc!

I feel like my world has collapased.

I am due to go back to work next week following a years mat leave and I dont think I can cope.

He has told me I can keep the house and he will continue to support me etc etc..

I have been making his life a misery apparantley, and the reason he goes to the pub is to get away from me

He do everything for him, and I mean everything (run his business, cleaning, washing, banking, ironing, even buy his fucking clothes)

Please tell me how to get through this next few days/weeks

How do I tell dd (4)? without bursting into tears?

DO I stay in the house or sell up and move somewhere else?

its a large house with land, so it needs some taking care of which I am not sure I can do alone.....having said that. I dont want to disrupt the children too much.

How do I persuade him to give it another chance?

we only got engaged last year, and he was only talking of extending the house and even booking a holiday last week? and now he says he cant stand me and never wants to be with me?

Please help me??

oh god

dd wanted to know where daddy was this morning so I told her he had gone away for a while and she asked "will I get another daddy"

she asked to ring him so I agreed, even though I so dont want to talk to him.

He was on loud speaker and told her he was not coming back but would come and see her tonight.

I feel physically sick

I think the longer he is away the more I need to accept he is not coming back and I feel physically sick.

Please tell me how to make the pain go away?

Lilymolly have you got anyone in RL who can come and be with you and help. My Dsis was a god send when my DH did this to me. I was on diazepam for a week because I couldn't function - it's the shock, panic and anxiety. Try and eat when you feel like it - I lived on sweet tea and biscuits for ages, when down to 6.5 st.

Try and summon the strength to take control, make an appointment with a solicitor and get as much info as you can. Being proactive helps. A friend said to me at the time that you have to work on the fact that he is not coming back. Fortunately (or unfortunately ) my DH came to his senses after 2 months. I worked on myself during that time, did things to make myself feel better eg new hair style, clothes etc, taking long baths - just so I could feel better in the moment IYSWIM.

Thinking of you, unless you have been in this situation you cannot know the utter devastation, panic, anxiety etc. I was also physically sick at times .

Good luck.

Call up the Tax Credits people ASAP, you'll be entitled to a lot (depending on salary) as a single Mum. that cheered me up no end. I said to the bloke on the phone, "So I get all this money, just for being dumped??"

The phone number is 0845 300 3900, and you'll need your National Insurance number, plus details of your childcare and salary.

It's a shame you're not married, that will affect how the house is split, etc. I'd see a solicitor very soon. Men are generous at the start but quickly get over that, so sort money, etc, out now with your ex.

Do this even if you still want him to come back. Firstly because, like I said, he'll only get stingier. Secondly because you're not in the best position (unmarried) and need to know your rights. And thirdly because sorting out legal stuff will be a kick in the face to your DP who will realise you're taking it seriously and looking out for yourself, and if he's going to regret it/change his mind, it'll be when he hears that you're moving on.

Sorry to rub it the bit about your not being married - that was too blunt and crass. I just mean that you're going to have to be extra ballsy and on top of the legal matters as you won't have the built-in entitlements. Do stick up for yourself: my neighbour was f*cked by her DP after he buggered off.

Get really angry. Don't be upset, get angry. Anger will propel you through this and make you get everything you can.

Lillymolly - just wanted to add my voice to the 'stay strong' calls. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I have been in a very similar position myself about 18 months ago. I too had arguements over the pub etc and then found out there was an OW (a supposed friend!). I stayed remarkably calm and rational which, in part, was probably as I was 7 months pg when I found out. This completely wrong-footed him as he couldn't deal with the fact I had not ranted and raved at him. I gave opportunities to sort it out, go to Relate etc but he turned it all down. My last straw was when I found out he was going away with her over new year and leaving me with DS (then 9 weeks old) but pretending he was 'working' away . I filed for divorce the first week of January last year as I had had enough of the deceit. DS and I are doing fine now and exH doesn't bother much with seeing him but I am in the process of having to enforce a Court Order for maintenance (long story).

I think I am a far stronger person than I ever thought I could be and far, far happier now. Sorry this turned into such a 'me, me, me' post but wanted to post and tell you that you really will be OK. Deffo get some legal advice and never feel ashamed of what has happened. You are a brilliant person and he is the one losing out.

Take care

Lillymolly, you're handling things really well. I can't believe, without so much as a word of pivate discussion with you over how to tell your kids about the split, he told your little girl over the phone (!!!) that he's not coming back.

What an absolute twat.

There's no easy way to handle this, just try and stay as calm and composed as you can. I know it's tempting to dwell on the issues that caused him to leave - was it an OW or was it the way you were acting etc etc - but try not to pick at the scab. Just rise above it, let him see the kids but be distant with him yourself. You'll get through this and you'll be a stronger person.

You will get through this. YOu will feel better. Your first priority is sorting out your legal position - whatever you do, don't fall for the 'We can sort it out without a solicitor or anything' line. Your partner has already demonstrated how selfish he is, selfish men always use that line when they are trying to screw their XPs financially.
I have no idea whether he has left because someone else is involved, or not - but the other explanation is that he is trying to frighten you into greater obedience in future ie he will start offering to come home soon and drop heavy hints about how your behaviour needs to change in order to 'keep him happy'. FFS do NOT buy this one either, as he will then have a weapon to use against you forever - any time dinner's a couple of minute's late or you'te too exhausted to feel like having sex, he will start hinting that he's 'not happy' in order to make you obey.

Well said SGB - mine said exactly that - 'we can sort this out ourselves with no solicitors don't you think?'

No, I didn't agree and am glad I stuck to my guns. I had hoped we could deal with solicitors and not go to Court, but he arsed around and we ended up in Court where the Judge branded him 'pathetic'. That really cheered me up on what was a very stressful and sad day otherwise.

Jusr re-read your other posts and saw that he told your DD over the phone What a twat.

OP, you have done the right thing, he wants a doormat not a wife.

He doesnt give a shit does he?
Telling small child on the phone he is not coming back.
utter prick.

In 6 months time you will be so glad he is gone. count down the days.

Dont accept this treatment, be a good role model to your children, prioritise!
put you and children first every time.

Fight, for them.

Lilymolly - I agree with the advice about getting angry now. It really will help you get through these dark days.

Stop and think about how he has behaving. You don't say how long he has wasted family time in the pub, but you need to be righteously angry about that, given the age of your children.

He has let you do everything for him, despite the obvious unfairness of that situation. He has been massively over-benefitted by this relationship. Now, he has hurt your DD by being unspeakably cruel and blunt about his future intentions and for what, to hurt you?

All of the above behaviour is in the open domain - and it's bad enough to be angry about in its own right. However, I imagine that there is far more that you don't know about. People who are this cruel, lazy and selfish rarely stop short of other examples of disrespect you know.

Start cataloguing all the really shitty behaviour you've been putting up with - this will kick start your anger. Then start to suspect what so many of us on here do - that should send you into orbit and you need to be angry and not weepy or prostrate with grief at the moment. Anger gets things done - anger lets us put on a front - anger helps us strike back.

Get some help in RL - a relative or friend who can come and stay perhaps - who can help you get practical and start getting legal advice. Do delay returning to work for the moment - you will be in no fit state, I promise you. They will understand.

To him, you need to appear aloof and contemptuous. Get those financial agreements now, because I agree with posters who say that he will renege later, especially when an OW is pulling his strings tighter.

He needs to believe that he has lost you forever. You need to believe that you've had a lucky escape and that actually, life without a man who cannot even buy his own clothes is going to be infinitely preferable.

You can do this.

Ooooh, stonkingly good posts by WhenwillIfeelnormal and SGB! Go girls!

solidgoldbrass is spot on. My H has used control throughout our marriage. He left me (for a week) a few years ago. When he came back he said to me 'I am not back here because I want to be with you, I just don't have anywhere else to go'. He has continually used the ending the marriage weapon as a means of control with me the whole time as I am financially dependent on him, and he has had a huge amount of 'emotional power' over me all the years (mine is an abusive relationship) but this is considerably less now as he has caused me so much grief over the years. He left me a couple of years ago (just to protect himself as there was trouble between him and my eldest son), and he wormed his way back into the family home through manipulating me with my fear about money, bullying and controlling me from a distance, emotional blackmail, and leaving me in the s... with money problems etc...

And all this stuff, together with a million (feels like it) other things are used to have control. It has always been about ME changing and improving MY behaviour. He has never and will never take any responsibility for anything (including denial of abuse).

Just last night I was told that a wife's duty is to obey, and I should behave myself. My H has always used fear and my insecurities to put me in a place where I will put up with all this and being the 'inferior' person in the marriage.

Sorry to ramble on.

When he left me a couple of years ago, I literally 'fell apart'. I hope now that would not happen to me - but then now, he would never leave the home again as he would lose control of the situation, and he never wishes to do that again.

After nine months he 'worked on me' to come back, after months of using his usual weapon of someone else's fears and insecurities, but this time, I became seriously depressed in the run up to him returning! So, it was not that hard for him to worm his way back in as I was not feeling strong at that time either. Anyway, he came back and it has been another miserable year.

Oh, and while we were separated he played games with our dc, naturally, and would change his mind about bothering to seem them right at the last minute (literally) before being due to pick them up.

It does look sadly like your H was just waiting for an excuse to make an exit.

Don't let him call the shots. (I say this because I have let me H do this). And look into all the practicalities of managing without him around - it will give you some control back.

Sorry for all the typos.

With my H the scenario was always - I have to do my best to win him back. I had to do all the running and maybe he would forgive me (which he never did). When he left for a year a couple of years back, I at first used to send him texts begging for another chance and how it was my fault. I read one of my old texts the other day, and was appalled at my lack of self-esteem from the words I had written.

Maybe your partner is different to my H and would come back and be a human-being and work out some resolutions with you, but if not it really (from my experience) is better if things are straightforward from now on and you know where you stand, and you can then look after yourself and your dc and get stronger and heal yourself from this etc.

I have lived in continual 'limbo land' with my H. One day he loves me, the next he does not. One day he wants to split, the next he does not, blah blah blah.

It drives you mad (and keeps him in control). But at least I know this now and do not wish to live like this forever.

God feeling so tired now.

I Lost it at toddler group this morning and kept going to the toilet to cry

Mum and dad are here and have taken dc and ddogs out for a walk so I can have peace ironing!!

They think he may have another women too, but I still remain unconvinced.

I am so not stupid or niave, but I just cant fathom it. I have had no suspicions ever and I dont think it was in his nature.
Having said that, I did not think he would ever walk away from the children

if he does turn up tonight, how the hell do I react and what do I say?

Ahhhhhhhhh

Lilymolly, I thought my DH would be the last person on earth to have an affair/ow and so did everyone who knew him - he just wasn't like that. Anyway since what happened with him, I can believe anything of anybody. I didn't think my DH had the time (he didn't go out in the evenings/weekends) and I didn't think he could do that to the DC or me. Everybody asked me if I thought there was an OW and I firmly believed there couldn't be but what I have learnt is that men do not normally/rarely leave the family home and security unless they have someone to go to.

Get all the help you can get in RL and I would be very cool towards him if he turns up this evening and let him do the talking. I beg and pleaded with my DH, suggested Relate etc but none of it did any good at that time. As soon as I stepped back and took control, things began to change. BTW my DH had a second mobile and seperate email a/c for OW so having access to his mobile/email means nothing.

Keep calm and good luck.

Out of interest Lilymolly, how old is he ?

Fuck it

He never even turned up to see dd

Thank goodness she never asked for him.

Its as if he has had a personality transplant.
This is so not like him.

He is 30 this year countingto10 mid life crisis?

I am going to take a nytol and try to get some sleep.......is that wise with 2 children in the house? albeit ones that sleep through the night?

Lilymolly - he shouldn't be wandering in and out when it suits him anyway and FFS how dare he tell her he's coming and not turn up - I hope this has just proven to you what a fecking twat he is showing himself to be

are you angry yet?!

What a cocklodger.

You are so better off without this disrespectful lump in your life.

What a poor excuse for a partner and father.

yes starting to be angry now

he just texted and said he wants to cal around tomorrow to talk about splitting.

I texted back saying what sort of person can leave for 3 days with not contact?

He reckons letting dd call him this morning wa not right and that I primed her!

what an arse, why on earth wouldn't she be confused by his sudden absence and miss him and want to speak to him?

tell him that the two of you need to sit down and discuss it like calm grown ups to provide a united front to DD regards him not being there

Lilymolly, my DH used to accuse me of priming my DSs (aged 9 & 16) when they wanted to talk to him as they were upset with everything but really it was him being defensive and feeling guilty.

I asked about his age because sometimes when people approach midlife they can do this out of character stuff (this is not excusing his behaviour BTW) - obviously 30 is a bit young for a full blown midlife crisis. It still seems to be pointing to an OW.

Can you get anyone to stay with you ? You really do need as much RL support as you can get. You also need to get some legal advice asap and, if you feel up to it, pack up as much as his stuff as possible and put it outside for him to take when he turns up. It's amazing what the sight of all their stuff in bin bags does to them . It's just to show him that you are in control no matter what he does. Make sure you look good with make up on etc - completely throws them when they expect you to be a snivelling (sp?) wreck. You may feel like sh*t but don't let him know.

You need to start getting angry.