DP Left me......how the f**K do I cope?

[lilymolly]

I told dp to pak his bags on sunday following a stupid argument about him going to the pub all the time.

Anyhow, he left and has not had any contact with me since

Leaving dd 4 and ds nearly 1 plus various other animals etc!

I feel like my world has collapased.

I am due to go back to work next week following a years mat leave and I dont think I can cope.

He has told me I can keep the house and he will continue to support me etc etc..

I have been making his life a misery apparantley, and the reason he goes to the pub is to get away from me

He do everything for him, and I mean everything (run his business, cleaning, washing, banking, ironing, even buy his fucking clothes)

Please tell me how to get through this next few days/weeks

How do I tell dd (4)? without bursting into tears?

DO I stay in the house or sell up and move somewhere else?

its a large house with land, so it needs some taking care of which I am not sure I can do alone.....having said that. I dont want to disrupt the children too much.

How do I persuade him to give it another chance?

we only got engaged last year, and he was only talking of extending the house and even booking a holiday last week? and now he says he cant stand me and never wants to be with me?

Please help me??

I agree completely, get his stuff packed and outside, once the kids can't see of course

Here here Lily!

Counting to 10 that is brilliant advice. Good luck Lily, I'm still not sure I see another woman in the wings but stay strong and give him hell! I hope your children are okay as well, although by the sounds of it you are a fab mum. He on the other hand sounds like a cock and a half.

Lily

Stay strong, get all the support you can in RL. I sadly suspect OW due to his behaviour but we dont know for now. Im not a fool but didnt find out for a long time- they do compartmentalise

Im so angry he accused you over your 4 year old saying she wanted to phone. My 4 year old often wants to phone H -why shouldnt they. Its your Hs disgraceful attitude thats at fault.

Rescue Remedy (from health shops)is a herbal thing that helps when your really really stressed - I used it a good bit - you just spray it in your mouth.

Girls on here know what theyre talking about - great post by WWIFN.Look after yourself and kids (and animals ) - thats the best you can do for now. TBH I would know my rights but not rush in yet on the legal stuff as it can take a while to know what you really want.

Mumfun: But Lily should get the information ASAP whether she acts on it straightaway or not. Because selfish men (and whatever the reasons behind his behaviour ie OW or not, this is a selfish man) will lie to partners they are leaving in order to protect their own interests, and information is power. EG, if he says he can take the children/have her locked up/evict her from the house and move his OW in, if she knows the law, he can't upset her with this sort of crap. Equally, if he says 'Let's make it amicable without solicitors' and then proceeds to offer her less than he is legally obliged to pay, she will know he is talking crap.

Well ladies...........

he cam around the morning after I asked him to

Turns out he has had some "attention" from another women and this week between him leaving and today he has slept with her.

He said that because she showed him some love and attention, her realised what was missing in our relationship.

He feels nothing for me.

Does not want to come back

Yet has offered no practical support or not decided what to do with the house etc.

TBH I feel almost pleased that I now understand the reason he left cos before I could not get my head around it.

I also think I can forgive him

Christ what am I thinking?

I almost feel like if we can face up to our relationship and its problems, and do something about it, then its salvageable iyswim?

Am I being a complete mug? Probably
but still I want him back and still love him

been to gps today and got some anti dep so hopefully this feeling of sickness and the constant tears will cease.

Oh love, I'm so sorry. What a prize prick though for attempting to justify his behaviour by somehow making it your fault for not showing him enough attention.

Please listen to me when I tell you this is not your fault. If we are to take him at his word, did he ever say to you: "Look lilymolly, I'm feeling a bit insecure and unloved - can we get to the bottom of that and work on our relationship?"

No, I thought not. Instead he went down the pub and started an adulterous relationship.

How did you respond to this bombshell? What did you say?

Oh no

Does he not understand that when you have children THEIR NEEDS COME FIRST.

most couples go through a fun/affection/sex drought.

At the moment you just want everything back to normal, its so hard to contemplate a single future i know, but it does get easier.

How dare he go and party like a single bloke when you are at home holding everything together.
He is behaving like a little boy and he needs to MAN UP to his responsibilities.
you are the strong one, you just cant see it right now.

take each day at a time, im sure there will be some fab advice on MN to get you through this, keep posting.

I hope you didn't say you thought you could forgive him this - but if you did, retract that as swiftly as possible. You just cannot make decisions like that yet. You are in shock. For the moment, it's better that he thinks you won't have him back.

I do understand your relief that there is a reason for all this. But you're no doubt being fed a load of old hogwash about the affair being a symptom of problems in the marriage - when chances are, there weren't any - and the infidelity caused the problems. Good grief, you've had a baby in the past year - most adult men and women understand that the relationship needs are subsumed enormously by that life-changing event.

In the days and months to come, try doing that timeline thing I mentioned. I'd bet you a pound to a penny the rows and horrible behaviour started as soon as he met this woman.

Are your parents still with you?

twat glad he has seen the light since she put out for a married man with young children - what a catch she is

right, back to the practicalities

1. wonderful news that you have been to GP, well done - your health is PARAMOUNT
2. get his stuff delivered to him by someone, there is no need for him to be round at YOUR house ever again
3. make arrangements for him to see the DC, write down the where/when/how long for and if he strays from that take a note of it all
4. write everything down - times/dates/bank balances etc
5. speak to CAB and find out your rights to the house/money/kids etc
6. accept ALL offers of help, all of them - there is no shame in this on your part at all - YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT HERE, NOT TO BLAME, HAVE NOT HAD YOUR HEAD TURNED FOR A FECKING EGO BOOST AND HAVE NOT ABANDONED YOUR CHILDREN
7. repeat often - I am better than this and I deserve more

whether or not you believe that this could be salvagable you have to work on the premise that it is not and he is not coming back.

twat

Aaah! So he didn't do anything with the OW until AFTER he had left you, right?! Nice of him to point that out .... what a bloody load of rubbish!

Cart your arse down to the CAB and make sure you are well informed about what you are entitled to financially etc.

Look after YOUR health.

What a cocklodger.

Lilymolly, my DH told me he hadn't had sex with OW until he left me - all complete and utter bllsht. You have to understand that he is trying to justify his actions atm and he probably cannot admit to himself that he has had/is having an affair.

You are in shock ATM, do not make any decisions about your future for the timebeing (but get legal advice pdq so you know where you stand).

As soon as I found out about OW, my DH came to his senses and we were at our first Relate meeting with in 10 days. My H had been gone for about 6 weeks by that stage and affair going on for about 5 weeks before he left (or engineered the arguments to justify leaving ).

He may or may not come back, you may or may not forgive him and be willing to work on your marriage. Right now you need to put yourself and the DC first - let him behave like a twat, do not be part of it.

I am a year down the line from where you are now, there has been an awful lot of anger and tears and it is only recently that my DH has fully comprehended the devastation caused to me and the DC (and himself mentally) by what he did. It is only now he has taken full responsibility for what happened - yes we had issues in the marriage, probably like you running a business and small kids but it was his weakness and character flaws that caused him to choose to have an affair. The affair is about your H and his issues, the fault does not lie with you.

I wouldn't expect to get the full truth out of him for a while BTW.

Take care.

I would also point out that your H is probably still in the fantasy stage of the affair, the reality of the situation hasn't really hit him yet which is why I said you needed to pack his stuff up, just brings them to reality a bit quicker ....

When your DD starts grabbing him by the leg, begging him to stay at home with her (like my 4 yr old DS did to my H ), the guilt should cripple him hopefully.

The OW will probably show her true colours soon as well (wonderful people do not have affairs with people who are married).

Would also suggest you establish your legal position sharpish. As his partner you are not in law related to each other so what is his is his and what is yours is yours.

Who owns the property, do you have a stake in the business?.

This could also be a very protracted and difficult separation for you legally speaking too. I think he will make it as difficult as possible for you and the children. He is financially responsible for them until they are 18; he is not financially responsible for you though.

I hope you have looked into receiving tax credits and will make an appt with the CAB asap. You certainly need legal advice; do not fall for the line that "this can be amicably sorted without solicitors". It can't.

God all this advice is scary

I have not got a clue where to start.

Surely to god we can sit down together and act as reasonable adults to sort this out.

We both have put in equal into the house as far as deposits and mortgage payments etc. There is 100k equity in the house which would be split equally no?

I have no financial interest in his business and nor would I take any off him.

I am not going to be a bitter b itch in all of this no way.

I know he has acted applalling this week which is out of character and he has never ever treat me badly in the last 7 years so why would he start now?

re: house - yes it would be split equally; however, you can ask for more for thechildren if they are to reside with you.

this money might be in trust for the children and would need to be apid back to him when they reach 18.

just starting process for this - means two concurrent applicaiotns to court - one asking for sale then another asking for some of his share to go to me to provide residence for children as they reside with me.

so it depends - if dcs will reside with you (as he is one bgr*ng off) then you can ask for a larger proportion of equity in order to buy place for you and children to reside.

of course you dont need to go to court - if you can agree... but maybe a mediator would be helpful.

nobody is accusing you of being bitter in anyway we are however trying to make sure you are not going to be treated as a naive ex partner

I'm sure you never thought he'd cheat on you or abandon the kids so start presuming that this is how he means to go on in regards to his behaviour - although I DO desperately hope he proves otherwise

it is also about regaining some control on your part & not waiting on his decisions etc

Lilymolly I think you're still in a state of shock and so your hope that things can be resolved amicably is understandable. After all, you've had more years of him being a kind, loving partner than the recent imposter who seems to be inhabiting his skin.

However, nothing turns a previously loving, kind person into the cruel, unfeeling man you've witnessed lately, like an OW.

To deal with this, you've got to assume that with this excuse for a woman pulling his strings in the background, your DP is going to remain cruel and unfeeling - and might even get worse. You've got to protect yourself and your children from them. Once they realise they are going to be living a penniless existence because of all the maintenance owed to you, believe you me, they will try to fleece you.

I am all for mediation as regards division of assets and shared parenting arrangements and it does nobody any favours (apart from the lawyers) for a parting couple to communicate by solicitors' letters, but it will do you the world of good to find out what you are legally entitled to. This is just common sense. Please don't presume that he will do right by you. He hasn't done right by you for months - it would be best to think of him as he is now - and not what he once was.

Lilymolly we just want you to be aware that he has someone atm who is pulling his strings. The OW in my case wanted my H to go for custody as then they would have the house etc (she wanted the life she thought I had) - he looks back now and cannot believe that he listened to her but hey, their heads are turned in that moment, they are living in a fantasy of illicit sex and passion, logic and sense has nothing to do with it.

Let him get on with wrecking his life, look after yourself and the DC. You are in shock atm and believe me, in a couple of days you will start thinking back to when he's been out at the pub, now obviously with her whilst you have been home looking after the DCs etc and in the last couple of days when you have been breaking your heart over him whilst he has been shagging her (many times probably) and you will feel a rage believe me.

Sorry (can you tell I still get wound up when I think of my DH doing that to me ).

Would it not be the case that you could reside in the family home until the children are 18yrs? My understanding is that as long as the property is not beyond the needs of your family it is reasonable for you to keep the family home if you have custody of the kids. When they are 18 the property could be sold and split. Perhaps a legal bod could explain further.

Re the property - since you are not married there is no provision within the law to give you a larger percentage because of the children. It comes under property law rather than matrimonial law (unless the law has changed recently).

I really do feel for you and hope the support you are getting here is helping.

God you're too good for him Lily - you sound incredibly reasonable and he sounds like scum. My DH went through pretty long droughts of affection and attention after the birth of each of our three children and as far as I am aware didn't fall into the arms of the first person willing to give him a pat on the head. What a git.

So sorry Lily -he is a sh*t to do this to you.

I did mean get legal advice and absolutely know your rights but you are in shock so I would concentrate on welfare of yourself and Dcs for a few days and not rush into divorce for exemple.

Do not be too nice to him - you must be completely business like over money/assets.You cant trust him! Take care of you!