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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Left me......how the f**K do I cope?

114 replies

lilymolly · 09/03/2010 11:24

I told dp to pak his bags on sunday following a stupid argument about him going to the pub all the time.

Anyhow, he left and has not had any contact with me since

Leaving dd 4 and ds nearly 1 plus various other animals etc!

I feel like my world has collapased.

I am due to go back to work next week following a years mat leave and I dont think I can cope.

He has told me I can keep the house and he will continue to support me etc etc..

I have been making his life a misery apparantley, and the reason he goes to the pub is to get away from me

He do everything for him, and I mean everything (run his business, cleaning, washing, banking, ironing, even buy his fucking clothes)

Please tell me how to get through this next few days/weeks

How do I tell dd (4)? without bursting into tears?

DO I stay in the house or sell up and move somewhere else?

its a large house with land, so it needs some taking care of which I am not sure I can do alone.....having said that. I dont want to disrupt the children too much.

How do I persuade him to give it another chance?

we only got engaged last year, and he was only talking of extending the house and even booking a holiday last week? and now he says he cant stand me and never wants to be with me?

Please help me??

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 09/03/2010 13:42

Lilymolly - re-read your words.

He left because of "a stupid argument about going to the pub all the time"......

Most people in equal marriages would write that they'd expressed perfectly justifiable and reasonable disquiet about being left with two young children while their partner spent his/her free time out of the house.

There was nothing "stupid" about it - but I'd lay bets that he has been getting away with a growing catalogue of unreasonable behaviour, that you have challenged it - have been made to feel a nag and wholly unreasonable for calling him to book and that he has been engineering arguments like this for some time. Meanwhile, you have been wondering whether you were going mad - and have even (as evidenced by your post) started to normalise what to most of us would be unacceptable behaviour.

This has all the hallmarks of a man having an affair. His clear-sightedness about the house, the childcare arrangements and his living arrangements completely point to this having been planned for some time. He might not have thought he'd have the opportunity to leave this swiftly, but he has engineered getting himself "sacked" from the relationship, so that he doesn't have to take the responsibility.

Do some digging now and don't let yourself be played any longer. Don't tell him your suspicions of an OW, get your evidence first. Take him at his word, go to see a solicitor, find evidence of an OW by hook or by crook and negotiate a delay in returning to work until you have some normality. If you go back to work too soon now, you might breakdown. Treat this seriously. Your mental health is your primary consideration.

BEAUTlFUL · 09/03/2010 17:57

Call his bluff. let him stay gone. you get on with it and do the best you can. don't you dare let him see you're upset! If you creep and crawl now, he'll come back knowing he can do whatever he likes because you're so scared of losing him.

My H left in October last year. First month = numb. Second month = gutted. Third month = furious. But now I feel amazing! Honestly. Easier without him here in so, so many little ways.

He has a GF now and I don't even care about her! Really, I'm so much happier now.

So don't panic. Not only is it all do-able, but it is EASIER in lots and lots ogf ways. Don't be surprised when you start finding that many things are actually simpler without him around.

And if/when he comes crawling back, make sure you only let him back in ON YOUR TERMS.

Chin up! You'll be fine. Better than fine. This is his loss.

poshsinglemum · 09/03/2010 18:03

I know that it's heart breaking that he has done this but tbh he sounds like he was a lot of hard work. You might well find it easier to cope once you are over him. He sounds like another baby. If he was always in the pub instead of helping you around the house you were doing it anyway. Now you don't have to do his washing. clothes buying or cooking.

He sounds like a looser. You are better off.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 18:18

So sorry, but I would also place a lot of money on there being another woman in all this.

His exit was planned for some time.

groundhogs · 09/03/2010 19:07

Agree with all the great advice already given, it is a little fishy that he's so together...

Right now, lillymoly, the best thing you can do is actually to do nothing. You have the roof over your head, you are all well and he has said he'll support you.

See what you can find out, the truth will always out.... sit tight and see what's what.

don't panic, everything will be OK, you are not alone now!

TheFantasticFixit · 09/03/2010 19:20

I don't think it is another woman to be honest. I think he is trying to act macho and teach you a lesson tbh. Pathetic and irritating but I think the ball is more in your court than he does.

Have many of your arguments ended with you threatening to pack his clothes and chuck him out? His reaction to move out following that straight away is a bit petulant and i would be tempted to say that he will be back with his tail between his legs once he has got fed up of buying his own clothes and making his own tea. But as has been said many times here, stay dignified, and don't react to this behaviour. Certainly don't become hysterical, and give the impression that you are all fine without him.

My bet is on that he will soon be back.. its up to you to decide whether you want him or not..!

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 19:34

Thanks girls

I have been at MILs all day. She is disgusted and thinks that once he has made up his mind he will not change it.

Call me stupid and naieve (spl) but I really dont think its another woman. I have free access to e mail, text etc and he is so busy with work I dont think he would have the time tbh.

He has obv fallen out of love with me, but what is so confusing is that as late as saturday we were about to book a holiday and he has been talking about building onto the house etc so not the behaviour of someone who is planning to leave? is is?

OP posts:
Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 19:58

anyone?

OP posts:
MrsPixie · 09/03/2010 20:05

What he has been saying to you and what he has been planning are very different things.

A man doesn't just walk out on his family after a petty row. Think about it. Do you honestly want him back after so flippantly kicking you to the curb like something off his shoe?

I feel so bloody angry for you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 09/03/2010 20:08

You'd be amazed at the smokescreens people create when they want to hide their behaviour. A friend of mine's H signed up for loads of expensive fitted furniture a week before engineering a row that allowed him to slope off with the OW.

Sorry, still think there is an OW.

dittany · 09/03/2010 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 20:10

I think I have read a few stories on here where men were still talking about a bright future with their partner, whilst simultaneously playing away

^Compartmentalisation" I think is the lovely term used to describe it

Some (twatty) men appear to be able to do this with very little compunction

Tbh...does it really matter whether he planned it all or not...he has done it

That could be enough to tell you all you need to know

MrsPixie · 09/03/2010 20:14

Oh yes I have spoken to men who have admitted totally manipulating rows to give them a reason to leave. Men can be totally manipulative and sly like this; one guy behaved so atrociously his wife said in a moment of madness "just go just get out" and he had his exit....

dittany · 09/03/2010 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 20:21

apparently it would kill some blokes to just tell the truth

it appears they are so cowardly they are unable to act unselfishly and would rather see their loved ones destroyed, just like this

shocking

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 20:38

I just cant get over how someone who suppossed to love his kids so much can go without any contact with them for 48 hours,

DD asked when daddy was coming back for his tea

Do I tell her the truth now? or do I wait until it is dead and buried?

what do I tell her?

As well as leaving me, he has not even bothered to come and help with the cows, horses and dogs leaving me with all the shit literally to clean up

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 20:40

aw, that is awful, lily

can friends/family not rally round ?

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 20:44

Family all live 35 miles away and friends dont do animals

Oh the animals will survive I am sure, but thats not the point.

God I am ashamed I really am.

I never thought in a million years that I would end up as a single mum

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 20:47

so sorry, lily

you have nothing to be ashamed of though...that is his territory

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 20:49

any tips on how I sleep tonight?

Dont want to take a nytol in case children wake up and I dont wake

the wine not worked the last few nights!

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 09/03/2010 20:50

agree completely with AnyFucker - you've nothing to be ashamed of

ok, so you acted out of haste telling him to leave but I am also inclined to think that you've just given him the 'out' he wanted

MrsPixie · 09/03/2010 20:54

Oh you poor thing Just breathe in and out try and focus on the positives take one step at a time. Keep talking here I am sure lots of experienced Mums will be along to give you more practical advice soon.

groundhogs · 09/03/2010 20:56

Yeah, I second that AF, lilymolly, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

He's the one that has walked out on his DP and kids. Even his mum

As I said, just get the stuff you need to do, done. It'll keep your mind busy, and it has to be done anyway..

He could be just being brave and macho about it all, so out-macho him! Show him YOU can do it all well without him and don't need his silly arguments....

Even his mum thinks his behaviour is not on.

Oh and don't tell the DC anything, if they ask tell them he's visiting friends for a while.

Original poster
lilymolly · 09/03/2010 20:59

Thanks girls

Off to be now as I cant face watching "one born every minute"! as that will send me over the edge

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 21:01

you brave girl!

stay strong, love, don't let the fucker beat you down...

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