Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

Although you say you're not afraid of physical harm from this man, Forthebest, you should know that jealous stalkers are more likely than other abusers to eventually graduate to physical force. Short piece on stalking and violence A quote from the link: ..."stalking 'is one of the rare (occasions) where a potential murderer raises his hand and says, "I'm gonna be killing somebody."' All those threats are believable and he means them even though you know how completely unreasonable they are (because you're rational but he isn't). The police will take this seriously.

PS -- He wants to use your DD to keep tabs on you with her phone. Take the phone when she gets it and smash it with a hammer.

Autumn, I just picked up on where you said: "It has taken me some effort to use the terminology 'I' and talk about myself"

I was brought up to believe it was bad to say "I" any more than absolutely necessary. My parents would even make me think of other ways to say what I wanted, without using the first person preposition. (The excuse was "The Queen says 'One'" but my dad was very big on the words "I" and "Me"!)

As life went on and layers of narcissistic abuse wrapped themselves around my persona, I almost stopped using the word altogether. Like you, I had to train myself to talk about myself normally! It's an absolutely crucial part of breaking free, and I'm very glad you highlighted it.

from ME to you

sweetexpectation - I can confirm that my experience is that my NPD H has always been my enemy and he has continually stated that he wants to destroy me.

And the way our relationship was set up from the start was - he continually threatened to leave me, I used to (not any more) beg him not to leave me and that is the way the power worked. I had none. And, of course, if I said I would leave him - he would say - so what, I don't care.

Now, though, he would never leave 'his' house.

And, another tactic he has used with me has always been - if you have emotions as a person (and needs) that makes you a 'weak' person, whereas he is 'strong'. He has told me I am 'weak' continually and he did brainwash me to believe it - even though, in addition to all the stress and trouble he has caused me, I have had other physical problems to do with having babies to recover from (with no help from him at those times of a practical nature which I really needed post-operatively - thank goodness for my mum at those times), while he has not had a rough time, and yet apparently I was the 'weak' one.

Ignoring another person is a very effective nasty manipulative weapon if it is done long term also.

I am now in counselling trying to get some self-belief and confidence back, in addition to doing other things to build myself up again.

I did work out, bullies are cowards - they are not strong.

FTB please, please listen to what the others are telling you. Yes, it's a monstrous thing to get your head around but it is real and you have got the power to stop it. It's serious and that's why there is help available to people in your predicament. Use that help.
xx

Autumnlight, at a very early stage of our 'marriage' exH threatened to call social services and report me for alleged neglect of the DCs. He also used to threaten me that he would leave me and take the children with him. I got the whole 'weak' and 'strong' spiel too, and he applied it to himself. He had a certain vocabulary that he trotted out to criticise other people.

My H used to threaten SS on me until they were called in because of him. He still denies though that he was to blame for them being involved in the family. I must have imagined that as well.

FTB, they are words, just words.
Remember, he is an expert manipulator of your feelings.
If he meant them he would have changed his behaviour in order to stop hurting you.
He is feeling sorry for himself. He is looking for the exact reaction you telling us you feel right now.
Dirty tricks.

Dance a jig!!!!!

FTBA, call WA -- you have to free your mind from this puppetmaster.

He doesn't love you. His apology will last until the next time he feels like making life interesting for himself.

Can I just remind you of what you & he have got in common, FTB?

You're both in love with him. That's all!

Call Women's Aid for support. Click this, if you're on your phone or Skype: 0808 2000 247.

The niceness is the other side of the same coin, Forthebest. They do nothing out of niceness. There's always something in it for them, either that or he couldn't be bothered being nasty because he's tired from the flu. Keep all the texts.

baggyagy there is someone, you. i know it sounds cliched but you have to give yourself a hug and treat yourself how you deserve to be treated. Hug a pillow if you have to, do something nice for yourself right now and think if you can stop him coming over. Can you decide when you see him, not let him decide?

sorry not had time to read all this thread and in places i couldn't as its all still a bit raw with me.

Why is he coming over? even if it is just friendship he should not be emailing her at all if he is trying to convince you there is no relationship going on.

Dont feel dreadful, feel good for being angry with him and strong enought to tell him what you throught of him. Don't feel humilated.

sending you a HUG!!!!!

ftb - hi I'm new to this thread but not this situation. Your OH is manipulating you, I had very much the same texted to me the day I moved out - the night before i was the lowest of the low in his eyes - but when the chips are down, when he sees you might be getting stronger and want to get away from him, he will use every trick in the book - and the best one? - telling you what you want so desperately to hear - that he loves values and respects you. But if he cant show it day by day, its just empty words.

I got out and my life is so much better, and DD is happier. We are skint, a bit lonely at times, but a weight has been lifted. life is now about me and DD not all about him. We still have to see him sometimes, but I make sure its on my terms, not his.

I hope you get through this soon and you begin to feel stronger on your own and not affected by his attempts to manipulate you.

FTB - BaggyAggy is spot on. They like to use the 'love' card - it is very effective when they have someone they have emotional power over, and like I used to do, wish with all my heart for him to love me and we could have what I wanted in life - the happy loving family, marriage and home. But they don't follow through. They are not consistent which screws you up emotionally because you can never depend on them for emotional security. My H has said to me in the past that he has said he loves me 'to keep me sweet'.I do not use the words 'admitted' as he has never felt any guilt about anything to my knowledge since I have known him. No guilt, no remorse, no conscience.

They can switch their 'love' on and off like a switch. But it is basically 'off' all the time. It is a tool to use when they have an emotional hold over you - throwing you a few crumbs every now and again to keep you where they want you. But they can't keep it up. As BA said, they go back to their usual behaviour when they have what they want and are back in control.

I remember early on in my marriage, my H could never show true emotion in person. I would get a 'heart-felt' phone call when he was abroad on business, but he didn't show any love or care in the real world.

When I wasn't with my H, there would be a phase of 'I really love you blah blah blah' and then if he didn't get what he wanted, mr. nasty would re-emerge with threats, abuse and name-calling.

Did he truly love, respect and show you he valued you by his everyday behaviour?

I found this description on a PD website.

"A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called splitting."

It kind of describes the way my ex treated me. He would buy gifts, impulsively, write endearing comments in anniversary and valentine cards and send flowers.
Then a week or so later he would be calling me a fcking cnt, telling me I was useless and incompetent and withdrawing all friendly interaction from me, cutting me off.

There is a cross over between PD's and I have found a few similarities in the cluster group that includes NPD and BPD for example.
The 'black and white' behaviour of my ex was always there right from the start of our relationship. I remember naming it to him years ago, long before I ever had any knowledge of PD's or their websites.
It is no wonder I was left confused - one moment believing he truely did love me, the next thinking he hated me.
This has been the pattern for years, is still going on. Love/hate = Jeckyl and Hyde. It can really screw up the 'normal' minds of us who have the grey areas too and don't live in these extremes.

I found it very useful to see it as 'nothing personal' on his part. What I mean by that is -- a person with a PD like BPD or NPD or both lives his life basically all alone, just himself, holed up in his own head almost like the Taliban in some sort of cave. If it wasn't you he was mistreating, it would be someone else, and he would do and say exactly the same things to her that he has said and done to you. BA, I'm pretty sure your H jerks his girlfriends around just as he does with you, if it's any consolation.

I found it freeing (and very saddening) to realise that there are so many women getting almost word-for-word threats and insults and put-downs levelled at them. It opened my eyes to the idea that none of it had anything to do with me, really. It was all about him. Casting it in this impersonal light made me realise that a lot of the time when he was yelling at me he was actually talking to himself in a way.

The worst aspect of this realisation is that I spent a lot of time trying to be in an intimate relationship with someone who was probably never capable of maintaining a positive relationship with anyone, an emotionally stunted actor. I won't ever get that time back.

BA, one of the things I did when I was at my lowest point was get a massage in a hair and spa place. I paid for a basic package, with low expectations, and it was one of the best hours I had in a long, long time.

TRM, I was interested to see that some disorders can be considered to come in clusters. Cluster B is definitely where my ex fits.

Sweetexpectation, you are now where I was a few years ago. The fact that you now see him as an enemy is a sign that you will find your way out of the mess. It shows there's still a spark in you.

baggyagy you are welcome. Have had many nights when you are left sleepless and stressed by a manipulating man and I felt your pain.

Hope when he drops your friend off that he doesn't stay long. He really
sounds like a very lost cause, you cant change him and staying involved with him is causing you pain. Life away from him will not be painful.

It took a lot for me to finally get out and it was so hard at first especially as he put on the full charm offensive but I kept the texts and emails and notes that show his real feelings and when I feel I may be waivering (falling into his trap again) I read them and they make me strong.

Believe what women say on here when they finally make a life for themseleves, it is so much better and you start to wonder how on earth you lived in that turmoil.

math - emotionally stunted actor - wow! that describes my ex to a t.

they are jeckyll and hydes and very good at making you feel its your fault. But its not.

"talking to himself in a way"

That is exactly what it is. My mum, my H since last summer, when he became her "satellite". Everything they say about me is exactly what they are. In their own ways.

I think my sister has a different problem. I don't know what it is....chronic neglect as a child? Dunno.

My mum's GP told me that she had BPD. About ten years ago.

I had never heard of it....and I still wish I was not in a life where it existed.

I do not know what happened to my husband. He fits some...no, a lot of the criteria for NPD, but he just hates me right now. Devalue and discard.

I wonder if there is someone else? New supply? Maybe my mum/ sister? He does not seem to have any emotions that concern me at all, appart from extreme anger. He certainly is making no attempt to "win me round" on any level.

Everything wrong with his world, my mums world and my sister's career....are my fault and they hate me.

And my mum and H are very lonely reclusive people, even though they are the " life and soul" when required.

Whereas my sister is party animal x1000000...the desperate opposite.

And.....

They are both stunningly two faced and hypocritical.

My mum is the personification of liberality...but the stuff coming out of her mouth on a Canadian glacier about Oriental people...my god, you'd have thought she was a paid up member of the BNP!

My husband will slag off his so called best friend, endlessly, for months on end....and then, become his biggest, "can do no wrong" fan.

I know my mum has always had an enemy....I remember as a child that it was always a relief when it was someone elses turn.

My H appears to be doing this now too.

mathanxiety Can you pls let me know how you managed to get out of the relationship?