Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

I read in the Daily Mail {blush] when I was on holiday that it takes 517 days to get over a marriage breakdown. That was how long people said it took them to start feeling content again. And even people who'd ended the marriage still took as long to get over it, because of feelings of disappointment and failure.

I don't want you suggest that you count the days left before you might feel great again! Just mean that you/we anybody who's been through this is entitled to feel 'meh' for 517 days.

the bastard is gaslighting me already
and says I'm pressing his buttons
he has spent all night spinning my head because I want to breastfeed and he wants to be giving her formula himself - "like any normal person",i am shutting him out and rejecting help by feeding 3hrly which he doubts is nourishing as "how can anyone prove the amount she gets"

Iam not taking it on,but Iburst into tears after the dc's left for school.He then shouted in my face that i am a selfish bitch and he wd be gone and not return.He asked me what is my priority in life I said all the dc's then he exploded and shouted it should be him and i have at last crossed the line of no return.
Ilocked myself in the bathroom and he shouted to give him the baby but i ignored.HE SAID HE WAS LEAVING FOR GOOD AS I AM MAD and phoned the midwife asking her to come and assess my mental

am ok he is back have to log off back l

Oh PM, you were over the finish line and you had got him out. I know all the new baby hormones make you want to think the best of everybody and you want to provide the whole mumdaddog white fence scene for your child,,,, but seriously PM, it's never going to be anything but HARD HARD work having him this close to the centre of your life.

Ask the HV to help you end the relationship. They owe it to you to help you after they dragged him back in to your life by replacing the birth partner you had very sensbily lined up with this man you are trying to free yourself from.

Ring women's Aid, ring the hv, ring the police if you have to.

YOu made the decision to get him out of your house, the oxytocin messed with your brain! and now already, ONE day in, he is not on his best behaviour. HE"s already abusing you again.

GET HIM out. Ask for help to get him OUT of your house.

Change the locks.

What a bloody idiot - he doesn't even think your milk is good enough for your baby

PM, I'm sorry it started so quickly ... though you may, before long, feel quite differently about that. He's making it easier for you to do what you have to do.

Everything Magaly said!

Please do ring Womens Aid & get some helpful, immediate advice. Thinking of you.

He is just walking around,hoovering and cooking as if nothing has happened.Asking if I want cups of tea,telling me about a message he had on his phone etc
It's like a challenge to me to mention anything,which I have no energy to do and can't be doing with the likely consequences.He must know that.
No one has been to assess me so I assume that was a lie
I have had no sleep in48 hours so have to focus on milk and being calm.
No warmth left for him again,so just time now til strong enough to rebuild on own
Dont think he 's npd- just angry,emotionaly and verbally abusive bastard

Unless you're his psychiatrist, what use is the label?

I see the out-of-the-house rule lasted less than 48 hours.

Get some sleep - then, perhaps, consider whether living this way will really help you build your strength. Talk it over with somebody at Women's Aid

Go rest!

yes. Good advice ItsGrace. You can't just ask a person like this to respect your wishes. Get some rest, and then ask WA for help to get him out.

Bumping this as unsure where best to post.

My story on NPD and other thread I started..

Been reading Stately Homes and maybe shd be there ,but don't want to hijack ongoing discussion....I share many of the experiences posted on SH .Mother NPD,Father controlling,aggresive abuser...

So..Mother phoned wanting to know have I "sorted it out with xp" Told her no,and that MW and others are concerned and have strongly advised no more contact.

Mother - voice rising into familiar high pitch - you will never get anyone to stick with you.he has picked you and kids up off floor and done more for you than anyone else has or will...poor man,how can you kick him out when his baby needs him.Poor dc's,you wont allow them stability.You r so selfish,it's not all about you now,relationships take working at.You can't just go round having babies and then claiming the men are no good when it suits you.How cd you stir up drama with MW,must be using your professional jargon to get sympathy..POOR POOR man,phone him`,he loves you,no one else will want you...etc etc for ages

I learnt not to engage long ago.I have had minimal,controlled contact fr years.She has sense of entitlement amd ownership of my dc's and creepy,dodgy physical boundary issues around my body whenever I am PG and breastfeeding.

XP was only man ever to see straight through her and was REALLY GOOD at protecting me from her and validating my experiences with her and Father.His own parents very similar,no contact at all in 20 yrs.Everyone else in family and in my life,historically, has seen her as a sweet ,caring woman who has had such a hard time of my dramatic crazy life and poor,ungrateful treatment of them in sopite of all etc etc

I know she's a mad evil cow.I told her calmly that we should agree to disagree and that I didn't want to discuss it.She asked if dc's away at w/e - they are - then said first that I should take responsibility for them instead of shipping them off and giving the the message tht I love baby more,THEN said better for them to go to stable environment away from me an drama and loss of only decent man I'll ever have...

Said she wd come over tomorrow to check baby ok - she's retired paed. nurse .I said am ok and would be busy please dont come.

She said you cant be busy what do u have to do and I am rejecting her AGAIN AS USUAL - just like I've done to poor xp...Hysterical loud wailing,tears..Father comes to remove phone and tells me when will i learn.Hangs up

They will now network all sibs,family to share latest fuckup mess drama from awful daughter and how they don't need this at their time of life etc..

I was in an acceptable box when xp here - first time ever.They barely spoke to me which was great.

Any advice as I am now in a place my head hasb't been for many years.Wish i cd be committed to an institution for "asylum" in the true sense of the word - not referred to crisis bed in modern service I hasten to add.

I know what you mean!! I met people in the Priory who do exactly that ... also a few who were hiding from abusive partners. Nice if you can get it (Don't suppose your work colleagues could refer you & baby there for - ooh, 3 years or so??)

You don't need any advice to detach your thoughts from what your birth family might be thinking about you, PM, but I wonder what's best to do about your mum? I confess I grit my teeth and bear it when mine descends (I've found she buggers off again v. quickly if I feed her a load of praise and then shut up), but you're all over the place emotionally right now: will you be able to cope with her?

One idea might be to lie gloriously! Tell her DH is coming back tomorrow and you need to be alone with him for The Talk? Alternatively, you could shriek very insanely at her and tell her you're going into a psychiatric ward with your baby because you're being chased by demons and they ALL LOOK LIKE HER!?

How calm are you feeling?

ps: Did you ring WA? If you've been assigned a counsellor, she's the one to ring for advice

LOL ,Grace,

Yes, WA will be assigning me a counsellor and am starting Freedom Prog next Thurs.

Thanksxx

Hurrah!!!! Go PM

PineMartina -- congratulations on your baby!

And on giving birth to a new you?

Please rope in your MW and keep that exP (?) of yours away. Do you have a mobile with you at all times? Call the police if you ever feel you have to lock yourself away in a bathroom, etc. to keep him away from you.

So glad you're going to WA and have someone in your corner.

As soon as you can get locks changed, do it. This man sounds dangerous and now there's a baby in the picture that's "his" he may get very bizarre.

Hi Therealme,
Think of you and I hope you can find some contentment soon.

I am reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is aimed at family of chemical dependents mainly, but those are not the only codependents, ACOA -me- (as it recognizes). You might find it useful-there is a chapter on acceptance. I am only about half way through it.

It has offered clarity about my Middle Sister as a codependent-bullseye! (even though I still believe npd is mixed in there). Her's is sort of an aggressive form of coping as opposed to me and my form of codependency-a passive spiraling down, shutting down-dystemic-low base line of operation. Those are my descriptions, not the book's.

Thanks for setting a good expample. I should probably make dh take me out at night more. I had made this excuse of not going out at night: "live my life during the day; sleep at night". Fool that I am.

Another one of my sayings has been:
"Go so you can get back". That needs to be:
"Go and have a good time". I'm catching on, I do believe.

Take care. Hug the kids. Enjoy the spring flowers. Is the volcano ash destroying the flowers where you are?

Hi Toomany I have googled that book on Amazon and think I will order it - now that I have my 3v card(having never been allowed a credit card).

Well I did go out on Thursday - and what's more I persuaded 3 other single ladies to join me! ( Magaly)
I had a lovely time, it was my re launch back into the real world and I managed to stay tear free all night. Gonna do it again, soon!

Yes we had a good time! Steph and Louise are lovely aren't they?. Really glad you arranged it!

That's brilliant

Hi - can I join the thread? Have posted on various threads about my mad mother and got good advice - she has many NPD traits.

Sorry it's long and have reproduced a snippet of one of our conversations.

Just come back from a weekend at my parents. As usual we had a big row and wondered if there was a better way to handle things with her.

I think both of us have lots of things we don't say to each other so it is easy for stuff to blow up but anyway....DD (3) accidentally broke a vase at my mothers house and burst into tears, she got a fright. My mother cleared it up and said to me 'I don't know what you tell her about me that she's so scared she cries'.

Me 'I don't tell her anything - what do you mean? What a thing to imply!'

Mother - 'OK calm down - it was a joke (standard response). You have no sense of humour.'

Me - 'Please don't say that. I don't know it's a joke. You should think about the consequences of what you are saying a bit more, take a bit of perspective'.

Mother - Now losing temper 'what are you on about! Stop with your psychobabble, it's rubbish, I am not one of your clients (I am a psychologist). Your trouble is you are over educated. Education me and your father have paid for.....'

The blah blah blah - insults flying, my sensible approach now lost.

Any ideas of what I should have done? What she said wasnt' a joke, she says stuff like that all of the time. She goes on about how she doesn't see her GD enough and takes offence if GD is a bit reserved with her and doesn't smother her in kisses as she'd like?

Help! Am desperate to know how to handle her and maintain my sanity!

Heh, Fifi, you replied to what she actually said rather than what she meant. I can see that your professional training could be a bit of a stumbling block when it comes to 'managing' mad people

DD cried because the noisy vase crashed. This is, however, impossible - because everything is about your mother, yes?

So it's pointless to take your mum up on what she says. In doing that, you merely create conflict: between her view of the world, in which all things happen because of her, and yours, in which small children cry when things break.

It would be easier - and possibly kinder - to respond to what she means by gushing about how much DD loves her. You could finish off with a tail explanation about the vase scaring the child, but it's neither here nor there really. Your mum won't care what made DD cry; she'd just become terrified that DD doesn't adore her.

Make any sense?

Pinemartina: I've just read this and thought of you! It's by Roger Melton, who is a specialist in personality disorders. The below is from a page about the BPD controlling partner:-

"You've been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite.

"He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he's treating you like you've become a "bitch-on-wheels." And you don't know why.

"He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond "right" to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning."

Although Melton treats people with PDs, his only advice to partners is: "Run fast and run far"!

Wow ,Grace thanks for the link,really powerful stuff, and an exact description of my experience....

I do think the drama and "whipsawing emotional extremes" are in themselves hard to let go of in a perverse way...I am aware that my current safe, cwtchy ,baby-centred days are strangely "vanilla" in their benign predictability...

Now, that is -currently - a good thing...

Maybe I need to pursue a dangerous sporting activity of some sort in the future

Or retrain as a lion tamer

RAAARRRR!
You don't think you've tamed enough dangerous creatures for one lifetime already, PM?

I know what you mean about 'vanilla'. I also know I have so got off the rollercoaster! I still like the theme-park variety, mind you. But: contentment; peace; minimum drama ... I never thought I'd enjoy these things (or even have them, actually)! I do! I love it!

Turns out I wasn't an "extreme type of person" after all. It was just something nasty I'd caught off the people around me. Give it a bit of time, don't buy a lion just yet.

LOL !!

Have just put your link to Roger Melton on the other thread as I really want as many as possible to read it. I checked out all the pages with my jaw dropping further with each line.

I feel slightly more confident that I might recognise the signs and run at an earlier stage in future.......some faraway distant pin-prick on the horizon...

I can clearly remember the first time I felt a warning twinge in my stomach with xp , within a very few meetings,in a pub.. He made some irritated remarks about the food deliberately within earshot of a young lad waiting on the tables , I made a light-hearted comment to reassure the lad ,who looked uncomfortable,and xp gave me a look - one that I now know as his mad angry persona appearing - and started to make his complaint again,but stopped,changed the subject and all returned to pleasantness.I had a flash of something like anxiety but actually recall pushing it away,telling myself I was over reacting.That same day,I also felt strongly drawn to him in a warm "connected" way.....

It has to be about being very careful to see and hear what is there...not what I so deeply want to be there....that reality thing again.