Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

It's true... the effort is immense. The covering up, the pretending not to be emabarrassed by the performing monkey.

We had a mad hatters tea party at dd's school, and the children wore the hats they had made, H went with an elephant costume on his head. He was the only adult wearing a hat. And I said what fun he was. It wasn't fun, it was excrutiatingly embarrasing...as was his insistence on being on first name terms with all the teachers.

She is going to his this weekend and I don't know how I'll cope. Her bedroom is the best ever, new princess bed, shiny pink curtains etc etc. I'm scared she won't come back, and that he'll put her in a private school up there that he has always been obsessed with.

I have just spoken to him about parents evening. He seemed right royally pissed off that she was doing so well, and said, "oh she's better since I've gone" I said that it wasn't about him, but about her. And if he was so bothered about her welfare he should go and sort his head out so he didn't pass on any of his nonsense.

It, of course, was me that needed help in his opinion. I said I have had it thanks...he said that it obviously hadn't worked. I put the phone down.

I used to have to keep up a facade in my marriage but in my case there was a solution. We basically stopped doing things like 'socialising' together during which the facade would be acted out. As I have said before, the magical word 'we' would surface when we were in company. In reality, there was no we/shared mentality/fulfilling relationship.

We stopped socialising together years ago, there have been no holidays, days out would be me and the dc. He told me for years that I basically didn't fit the bill in company because of my personality etc(mind you, you are not the life and soul of the party when behind the scenes you are being abused) and he didn't want to go on holiday with me.

I have felt, therefore, that I have fitted into no category. I have not been single, but I have not been married either properly. I have felt unable to talk about myself in any category because I haven't been even able to talk about my H in a normal way - not that I would want to obviously (just trying to explain how when you hear other people talking as couples I have felt alienated in that way).

Just a different kind of pantomime, I suppose

• but never a straightforward, functioning one.

saddest - they always have an answer, don't they. But, usually it's c....

Grace that's fascinating.Now I think about it ,I have had an awareness when I've been away on "romantic weekends" with ex and no dc's that some other women seem to be tuned in ,I have worried that they may be able to see through my facade as I stiffly eat breakfast hoping no one at another table clears their throat or - god help them - blows their nose,their breakfast and my weekend will end at that point.
But that's about me again.
I am not sure I wd be as aware of it in another woman.
I have spent too long trying to "fit in ",which has led to people pleasing - psycho appeasing??- and concern with how things appear to others rather than how I experience them.Statelyhomes stuff....
Maggie I so echo that.
trm wish I cd have a glass with you.

We never socialised. We stopped going out, unless I forced the issue, which was just not worth the effort.

During the time I have lived here....six years...we have been out three or four times. I have never been introduced as his wife, and he has no desire to socialise with "a bunch of bored housewives" (ie the other parents at school), or any of my "shitty cabaret mates" (ie pro musicians who happen to know me and not him). A bit rich coming from someone whose biggest project this year is a David alexamder (who?) tribute show in Benidorm! (ha ha ha ha ha !)

We went, to a conference in the first six months, that was relevant to both our work. I sing and voice, he composes jingles. I was merrily chatting away, and he stood at the end of the bar and scowled. He made the rest of the evening HELL. He critisised people who didn't say hello in the right way and made it difficult for me to work with them again.

The next day was hell too. God...I should have dumped him then.....I did think about it.

autumn my ex talks about his ex wife in terms that I am sure would sound like your experiences were she to tell her tale- I really hope that doesn't sound patronising.They were married 23 years and she left him in the end.
I have often thought warmly and sympathetically towards her - and enviously - when he's acting out and then goes on to moan about her as a backhanded compliment to me -when I am on the platinum pedestal that is.....

Thank you, ladies, for all your insights. I now understand better than before why exactly I dreaded going off on holiday with Ex and usually came back completely exhausted, in fact feeling very damaged. And why he set such store on them, presenting such a 'nice family' image to the world. Also suggests why his favourite family photo was one taken while we were on holiday -- he begged me never to destroy it (his assumption that I would do this says more about how his mind works than about mine, of course).

Just realised I referred to an event 8 years ago as a "couple of years" back. Time compression. I've always had "issues" with time. It goes back to darling Daddy and my crazy Mum, who was beaten with the hands of a clock (metaphorically; fists sufficed for the real thing.) I know time takes on different dimensions as we grow older, anyway - but has anyone else suffered distorted perceptions of time while with their Ns, or afterwards?

I wonder if it has something to do with the overall reality distortion they inflict on us?

Yes Grace...as this mess has evolved I am aware that I can't link my experiences to the world....you know a song reminds you of a period of your life, or a view, or a smell.

I thought that it was because there is nothing to link it to, as I have had no life, just existing in this gilded cage longing to fly away.

No people to relate to, no events, no thing and no one.

I sat and wept today when I got back from the supermarket. Don't know ahy but food shopping distresses me. Maybe because food was so stressful? Anyway. It occured to me that the "addicts emptiness" that I feel for him right now, must be how he felt as a child when all of his emotions and feelings were negated, probably by his father.

This must be how that little boy felt. Only getting validation when he did "his turn"

Brilliant that you equated it with the post-addiction void, Saddest! Co-dependency is an addiction. And we are all co-dependents, aren't we? Or why would we have felt so drawn to that darkness in the partners who abused us??

I do feel immense sympathy for the 'disordered', who live in a cold & horrible world that somebody - Mathanxiety? - described as a lonely place, nothing but rocks & the wind whistling through them!! But, then, I was raised to understand that world, and to empathise with them. I've only recently discovered it's not my world too! Once you've been there, I guess you can't un-know it.

Which reminds me of my travelling years. I've been to places reeking of danger, rot, decay and violence. I sympathised with the people who must live there. I'll never forget them. But I am free to choose - I shan't revisit. Lucky me! Hurrah!

I'm relieved to hear you've missed out on your 'markers for time' too, Saddest. I makes me feel slightly less abnormal

Before I met my N I was a great archiver - photos ,diaries - reminiscences -celebrating good times and milestones -with dc's that is - parents and sibs...another sordid tale.....
Since him,initially photos -but in boxes not albums,more recently..nothing...it all merges into ? not sure what...think it cd be about the constant drama interspersed with ever shorter honeymoons -not wanting to tempt fate or the hidden reality - my reality anyway- being so out of tune with the other one.
And the empathy and pull to darkness is so hard to shake - my N sees us as two warriors from the dark side pitched against the entire universe.I am on a pedestal ,an unreal ideal,it's not me,I'm not her.

archivist

s'okay, PM, nobody's criticising your syntax here!

LOL

It feels the same as when I gave up smoking. It feels exactly the same.

His brother died a heroin addict. My sister has used drugs since an early teenager. My older sister used drugs, has has periods of terrible instability.

My sister almost certainly has an eating disorder...as does my h.

That's why we were together in the first place isn't it. We BOTH have come from emotionally abusive backgrounds.

We have far more in common than he dares to realise.

EXCEPT:

He got me to go into therapy. And that's why I am here.

I got accused of having hoarding problems/OCD because I like to keep photos, little things the DCs made in school, cute little pictures, their little baby dresses, etc.

PM, how about getting an avatar? Make one on the Xbox, buy one on a greetings card or draw your own. Give her all your qualities of "Darkness" (these things do have some use!)

Let your avatar be dark and let your real self be you. See if it helps?
Don't do this if you have a tendency to over-identify with avatars

Mine embodies my 'shallow' elements. Works a treat: in-game I'm Mrs Superficial-Jolly. In a bizarre way, she freed me up to start discovering my self. I haven't played her for over a year now: I reckon that signifies my re-integration programme is working ...
... All the above looks totally weird, I know. Feel free to ignore with knobs on!!

And another thing.......

He didn't understand about pet names.

He signed himself off with my nickname for him, to a gay bloke he was working with, and couldn't understand my discomfort.

I think the avatar thing could be incredibly useful to safely explore the darker places of ourselves....definitely.

< He got me to go into therapy. And that's why I am here. >
Bloody hell, Saddest, talk about the blind leading the blind

May I offer congratulations to that therapist?

Both my Xs read my diaries, used them against me and destroyed them. It's partly why I write to forums now. When I press Post, my thoughts are recorded to a server owned by other people, which I cannot access - neither can anyone else: except the owners, who don't care much

It did occur to me whilst doing dd's bath...that I have had more psychiatric assessments than nights out since I've been with H.

Fucking hell.. that's DEAD FUNNY!

And every time I come back pronounced quite normal..he gets crosser and crosser.

As one of the shrinks said..."What outcome DID he want?"

The best was Johanna. Don't know how she did it...but she got me OUT of this.

YAY JOHANNA!

... and, yep: it's fucking tragic and also very funny: What a summary of a relationship!

She did some kind of subliminal planting. Or at least that how it feels.

I guess she saw the reality of the situation and allowed me to come to my own conclusions....but in an accelerated kind of way.

I said that if I won the lottery, I would leave h.

she started talking about the boredom of the minutiae of divorce....almost in a throw away kind of way...but by god it stuck. And it was as if I had already made the decision.

She tried all means to get to see him. I think she would haver relished a real nutjob to work with, not some struggling tribute act, like I was. She wanted the STAR OF THE SHOW!"

Can't say I blame her.

She also used words like "wicked" about my "mother".

And "apalling" and he had "abandoned his family" about h.

Powerful stuff. But as I have been told by him this very evening....it didn;t work.

OH YES IT DID!

Saddest, food was a big deal in my house too. Not in exactly the same way, but my x seemed to think that he was living in a restaurant/hotel. I was expected to provide a dinner that was tasty/nutritious every single night. I couldn't serve up the same thing too often either or he'd complain. He hated processed food. I know, so do we all, but in moderation it won't kill you! I couldn't over spend on food as he went through the bill with a fine tooth comb, but on the other hand if he thought of something he wanted, say, I don't know Olives or Pine nuts, and we didn't have them he would tsssssk at me. It was a real tightrope. The meal couldn't be from the weight watchers book as it had to be 'real food' but it couldn't contain too much cream, butter, mayonnaise or cheese either. As if he went over 12 stone he'd have a fit. After I left him I lived on toast with peanut butter and satsumas and porridge for months because I never wanted to cook again. Now when I cook for my family they say, 'omg, this is gorgeous, how do you know how to cook so many lovely things?'. Eight years of living with a bastard!! Funny that.

My story is like a day in toytown compared to some of your experiences, but I was also on anti-depressants when I started making the decision to call time. I was on them because he told me I was blah blah blah you can fill it in yourselves!

God I have got to get me a therapist!
I did 2 yrs in psychotherapy to 'fix myself' to my ex's agenda.
The therapist kept coming back to the same point with me - 'Why do you keep putting up with it? You can end this at any time'.
It was the first time it really sunk in for me that I might actually have a choice. Maybe that's why after my initial post on my other forum thread it didn't actually take that long to end the marriage. All I needed was a push in the right direction and a sympathetic ear and I got it in droves.

My ex had me on that idealistic pedastal too. Or rather, he had an idealistic picture of 'true love' and some pretty high expectations of what it should entail. Of course I let him down. On the eve of our wedding we had a row because he was holding court downstairs in the pub in which we lived while I was running around trying to tie up last minute arrangements and was late.
I never loved him enough or showed how much I loved him. This made me emotionally dysfunctional. After my infidelity he kept saying I needed to show a 'grand gesture' in order to prove how sorry I was. I agreed to go into counselling and sell our house to move away. I thought that would be the grand gesture - but apparently it wasn't enough.