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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another woman fancies my fiancé

393 replies

Robsia · 28/02/2010 21:12

The week before my fiancé G met me (15 months ago, to put the time frame on it) he had a date with a girl called T who he met off the same dating site he met me.

He went back to her house afterwards and, to put it bluntly, she gave him oral sex.

Anyway, she was very taken with him (even talked marriage on the first date!) but he was less taken with her - found her tedious and boring in fact. When he met me, he never looked back. He gave her the excuse that he wasn't over his wife leaving him and was not ready for a relationship.

Since their first date, she has been ringing him daily at first, although it dropped to weekly after a while and is about monthly now. Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'. She still thinks there could be something there when he is over his break-up and the poor girl has no idea he is engaged to me!

This weekend we were at his house and he had gone out for a short while. The house phone rang and I answered it and it was a woman:

Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G**?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T**.

I told him when he got home and he showed me a text she had sent him saying that she had rung the home phone and "someone" had answered and she hoped she hadn't got him into trouble.

Now - I have absolutely no doubt that he is doing NOTHING with this girl - I think she is the wronged (although a touch obsessive) party in all this by holding a candle for him all this time and he hasn't let her down gently.

Now that I have her phone number, I am tempted to call her and explain the situation as ask very nicely if she wouldn't mind not ringing my fiancé again.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Janos · 01/03/2010 18:30

Blimey.

Is this a new thing on MN? His'n'hers threads?

V odd.

Robsia · 01/03/2010 18:32

It's so not worth it - I actually posted for some genuine advice - I am not a troll, but I know from being on other boards also frequented by trolls that the more you protest the more you are accused.

Thank you to those who actually have tried to help - it really is very much appreciated.

To everyone else - I really have nothing further to say.

If I don't see ya - good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!

OP posts:
BIGMAC2020 · 01/03/2010 18:32

Nope, it's called the right to reply

Whizzywigg · 01/03/2010 18:33

Thanks for asking RubyPink. It is going really well, except we were meant to be going out tonight, but DD is sick so can't go...

Janos · 01/03/2010 18:38

Well.. we get all sorts on here but it seems a bit odd that someone who has a great relationship and feels secure in it would be coming on here to ask a bunch of virtual strangers for advice.

And even weirder that their partner (male or female) would then come on to tell everyone what a great relationship it is.

thesunshinesbrightly · 01/03/2010 18:39

BIGMAC - No i didnt want to hear that at all, dont go off at people when you cant bring yourslef to tell this woman you are engaged,how pathetic,like i said Grow Some Balls.

displayuntilbestbefore · 01/03/2010 18:41

PMSL
This reminds me of the tawdry 'his and her' bath towels in crummy B&B's by the sea.

thesunshinesbrightly · 01/03/2010 18:43

It is this other womans bussiness you are leading her on by letting her think you are single, cant believe you havent told her, come on BigMac you love the attention dont you.

I cant believe that you have had nothing to do with this woman for 15 Months and she is still calling you, very strange.

BIGMAC2020 · 01/03/2010 18:45

I actually came on to reply to the muppets that were slagging me off as I would prefer that if someone wants to have an opinion of me maybe they should express it to me.

Having said that as none of you know me and I don't know you who actually cares what you think?

I think it is quite sad that someone can ask for advice and because some people have been on a forum longer than the OP they automatically assume that they can be just be rude and nasty. It is also nice to see that others actually bother to read the OP and then give helpful advice based on their own experiences.

Aussieng · 01/03/2010 18:47

Checking out of thread. God I can pick 'em!

VinegarTits · 01/03/2010 18:48

Errr if some bloke i dated once was hounding me with phone calls, and i was engaged to some other bloke, then i would tell said stalker, 'look mate, i'm engaged, so not interested in you', simples?

Me thinks you like the attention bigmac

What a weird thread!

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 01/03/2010 18:49

"When you finished speaking to the woman you said she later sent your fiance a text saying 'hope I havent got you into trouble' which implies that she is fully aware of you. "

"All it implies was that she had subsequently thought about the implications of a woman answering the phone of a man she thought was single and perhaps finally figured out that perhaps he wasn't single. And then thought that I might have wondered why another woman was ringing up and asking for him, not realising that I was fully aware of who she was and why she was ringing."

God help you, OP, if you believe this.

warthog · 01/03/2010 18:49

for your fiancé's sake, for this woman's sake and for your future happiness, phone the woman and tell her you're engaged and to please stop calling you.

Whizzywigg · 01/03/2010 18:52

I don't get the MN obsession with trolling - I mean there is no way of telling whether it is true or not, so I think you need to take it at face value.

I don't actually find the scenario that implausible. The OP asked for basic advice on whether she should tackle this ex herself - and some how, despite the lack of any real evidence to suggest it, she got a character assination of her bf and relationship... so it is hardly wonder she got defensive.

AF - why do you care so much about "being had"? On a support board I also use, it once became clear at one point that the board was "under attack" from trolling posters asking daft questions. One of the most knowledgeable posters reacted by answering all the questions with good advice. When challenged by the other regulars as to why she would bother, she said that questions are always valid - even if not asked in good faith - as they may provide useful info to those who are lurking or searching the archive at some later point.

I thought that was very sensible.

Janos · 01/03/2010 18:56

BIGMAC as you so rightly say who cares what a bunch of internet strangers think.

Therefore, don't waste any more of your time on here trying to prove what a decent bloke you are to people you don't know!

groundhogs · 01/03/2010 18:58

Well that's OK then AF, absolutely no harm done at all! hugs... I know what you meant now, obviously my sub-conscience warping my interpretation.

now scrolling back up to see what unholy crap has unfurled itself on this thread... bugger, bugger and bugger....oh and a jeeezzuz......

BIGMAC2020 · 01/03/2010 19:01

Whizzywigg, good point, well made.

Janos, don't worry I won't, but even in the real world you would not actually stand by and see people slagging you off and not react to it.

I know I am a decent bloke and I am not trying to prove it, I was just trying to balance the perspective as it was all one sided, except for groundhog who has actually been there and knows what it is like.

scottishmummy · 01/03/2010 19:02

cycling christ,what next the scorned blow job woman giving it big licks too.this is hilarious

robsia,if you are real run like the clappers.your fiancé is a bampot.i bet he plays banjo on the porch whistling a priddy tune

he didnt get round to telling a woman who fancies him that he was engaged.Doh how does that work?

groundhogs · 01/03/2010 19:21

OK, seeing as I was actually namechecked [preen?] I'll stick my furry little neck out here and suggest one other angle to this.

Women's relationship with sex/mating etc is primarily emotional. With Men it's mostly physical. They need the external stimulation, the physical stuff, where as we need to be mentally into it, mentally cherished and desired.

In the reversed scenario, a woman telling a bloke to move on, mostly he does. why, cos he'll just move to the next one he can find.

Think about it, how many threads are there where a bloke has dumped his gf, our OP, and she's left scratching her head and pouring out her heart to us saying... 10 years we were together, how can he just shack up with another woman in a fortnight?????

We on the other hand need time to work him out of our system, to de-bloke ourselves, lick our wounds and when recovered, back into the breach....

This woman, it appears, HAS been told. I'm in similar situation myself, with my DH, we spoke about it this afternoon in fact, she called again yesterday. He knows what will happen if he does answer, she'll scream and shout obscenities at her. This has been going around and around in circles for years.

Tell her please not to call you again, he said he HAD actually said this ( those exact words??? I think she said I'll never call you again if you don't call me back, he said OK, but that is by the by... I'll give him benefit of the doubt on it again..)

Some women get so emotionally attached, even after a short time, and they stick like glue to the object of their obsession, thinking it's the real thing....

BIGMAC, any chance you can change your number, my DH has talked about it, but he is trying to sell a property overseas and the contact telephone is his mobile number. He has said that once the flat is sold (In the summer we hope... anyone want a huge landmark apartment in posh Alexandria Egypt???) he will change his number.

Also, as hard as it's been to see the vociferousness of some of the more lively posts here, it should reinforce to you what is happening IS unfair on your relationship, and could be harming it.

If this woman IS stepping over the mark, then you know that perhaps you need to change the way things are, change your number, tell her again not to call you, and if need be talk to the phone company about blocking and contacting the police if necessary.

If this IS a wind up, , but if this has happened to me, it will and has happened to others, I hope that others might find some help/use in this thread.

groundhogs out.

groundhogs · 01/03/2010 19:27

Actually Scottishmummy, I'd LOVE a pop at the OW....

scottishmummy · 01/03/2010 19:29

maybe she will rock up too.tell us about Mr Big

groundhogs · 01/03/2010 19:33

....

drums claws... taps wristwatch....

Whizzywigg · 01/03/2010 19:36

Hasn't happened to me, but I still think it is plausible. The world is full of crazy fuckers. I think BigMacs argument that he hasn't told her he is engaged because it is none of her business is absolutley fair enough.

He shouldn't need to give out details of his personal life - "No means No" after all - he has told her that he does not want a relationship with her - that should be enough.

And bigmac if a man proposes to a lady in front of all his mates and family, I can't see how anyone could expect any bigger declaration!

Some of the advice on this forum is very odd.. only a couple of weeks ago, some posters were criticsing my new BF because he dared me to take me to his own house, on the basis that his ex-gf might have happy memories of being there and was still unhappy about the break up (and this despite the split being months ago, and it being his house and her no where near and it being none of her business anyway!)

Just insane...

said · 01/03/2010 19:41

This is quite weird - BOGMAC seems to have no trouble explaining to us (quite aggressively, I feel) why he can't tell this other woman. So, I don't understand why he can't channel this same direct approach to her? And, yes, I have had weird stalky people ringing me a lot and yes, I have had to have the unpleasant chat to tell them to Bog Off

pagwatch · 01/03/2010 19:41

I don't understand.
Don't you go and get your dad because he is bigger than the other persons dad, not go and get your fiance.
this is a shit alternative.

" I'll tell. I'll get my fiance. he is bigger than you/your fiance/your dad..."

see it just doesn't work on any level.

Still . At least OP and fiance are talking about it now.
Thats nice.