Another woman fancies my fiancé

[Robsia]

The week before my fiancé G met me (15 months ago, to put the time frame on it) he had a date with a girl called T who he met off the same dating site he met me.

He went back to her house afterwards and, to put it bluntly, she gave him oral sex.

Anyway, she was very taken with him (even talked marriage on the first date!) but he was less taken with her - found her tedious and boring in fact. When he met me, he never looked back. He gave her the excuse that he wasn't over his wife leaving him and was not ready for a relationship.

Since their first date, she has been ringing him daily at first, although it dropped to weekly after a while and is about monthly now. Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'. She still thinks there could be something there when he is over his break-up and the poor girl has no idea he is engaged to me!

This weekend we were at his house and he had gone out for a short while. The house phone rang and I answered it and it was a woman:

Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G**?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T**.

I told him when he got home and he showed me a text she had sent him saying that she had rung the home phone and "someone" had answered and she hoped she hadn't got him into trouble.

Now - I have absolutely no doubt that he is doing NOTHING with this girl - I think she is the wronged (although a touch obsessive) party in all this by holding a candle for him all this time and he hasn't let her down gently.

Now that I have her phone number, I am tempted to call her and explain the situation as ask very nicely if she wouldn't mind not ringing my fiancé again.

What do you think?

ooh no. Not all men are bastards. Some are very lovely. They are allowed to have feeling and all that stuff.

Why are you being all passive agressive and offended. Why can't you just go

" do you know what. I should have told her I was engaged. The factthat my fiancee was so upset by this she went on a public website alerts me to the fact that I was not taking any responsibility for my actions. Twas my mess. I should have been a stand up guy and sorted it out because I love her and should put her feelings before my ego. I shall treat her with more respect in future"

Or you could keep justifying yourself to a bunch of strangers.

You object to people saying you are lying and cheating and that makes them vile.
Instead you want us all to think of you the way GH does.
She thinks you were not telling the other girl because you are a big wet man with an ego.

FWIW I never posted that you were cheating. I posted that you were being untruthful and selfish.
You haven't changed my mind

reality - try reading my posts properly.

pag - you and I are reading different things in GHs posts then. She has said that her man is still getting hassle from an ex even after 9 years. Yes some of the posters on here are vile and are looking for the worst possible scenario. I agree that my DF should not have posted on a public forum, however she was after advice not a public hanging.

I agree with the selfish part as I haven't considered it such an issue, lying, no. I don't think I should have to tell an ex anything about my personal life. She had already been told it was over, she chose to hang on, end of.

hands out the muzzles...

Stop malinterpreting what I actually said, I never put it like that.... Pack it in. I'm more than able to communicate exactly what I mean to say all by myself.

None of you have ever made a mistake? none of you have ever thought Argh, I ought to have said this that and the other, but didn't... I'm talking RL here too, not on here where I guess you all are a heck of a lot braver than you are in RL.

I'm not saying that what he's done is right, quite the contrary, but it's at least understandable. I've sat DH down only last night and read the riot act at him for letting this thing drag on....

He insists he HAS been blunt with her, he HAS told her that he doesn't want her to call him, that he is married, that we do have a DS. All she replies is that Arab men have more than one wife... and that she would love my son as much as she loves him.....OH Yeah?, come on over here and say that....

She WON'T go quietly, so why can you not believe that bigmac is not in the same position?

My only saving grace is that she is thousands of miles away, or I think we'd have real problems. Mind you we'd at least be able to get injunctions....

< slams a few doors >

< stomps around, muttering >

I bloody said all this yesterday...

Dontcha just hate it when people come in and steal alllll yer thunder ??? < grrr >

OMG I cannot beleive what I am reading!!

Er maybe bigmac isn't in the same position because he wouldn't tell her he was engaged?

oh good lord

Groundhog
Your situation is NOT the same as the one in this OP !

if Op and man were saying that crazy stalking woman was stalking in spite of understanding entirely the whole situtaion then that would be different

if OP and man were dealing with a serious previous relationship that would not go away then that would be different

if they were dealing with huge difficulties arising from one of them having feelings for someone outside their relationship that would be different

all very difficult and understandable.

That is not what apparently happened here.

If he had told her that he was engaged and she did indeed persue him then I would be defending him
That, according to both of them, is not what happened.

GH - Yes of course i have, i don't tend to keep doing it for 6months though.

'She WON'T go quietly, so why can you not believe that bigmac is not in the same position? '

Possibly because he hasn't spelled it out for her in big letters, by his own admission he wont tell her he's engaged and every he picks up her call and has a polite chat he's fuelling the fire.

OK, but perhaps it might not make any difference even if he DID tell her.....

There is always that possibility.... bonkers is bonkers....

groundhogs

when he comes back and tells us that other woman has been fully informed, shown the ring ( as it were) and given the date of the wedding, then I will post and be enthusuiastic in my sympathy for his plight dealing with bonkers woman.

Yes but untill he does it you can't know if she's bonkers or being led up the garden path. I can't believe you can't see the difference tbh.

I love this thread it's like Dear Deirdre in HD

I went out with a guy once who broke into my house and locked himself in my bathroom.

he clearly thought thatthe way to my heart was to deny me the oppertunity to pee.

How big do the letters have to be?????

1. I have ended the realtionship
2. I don't want to be with you
3. Please move on and find someone else
4. I am dating other people
5. I have spoken to her out of politeness as she changes her mobile number and I don't actually know it's her until I answer. As I don't discuss my personal life with exs I did not think it was entirely relevant.
6. If I keep her different numbers stored in my phone then it looks like I want to keep contact.
7. I still don't think it is any of her business as she is an EX.
8. Last night I did call her and told I was engaged. Let's see if that makes a difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bigger than those ones.

[blame it on the font]

Well, we'll see, shall we. Do you take my point about it being daft to do the old "No no no no kerching!" approach to taking her calls, and accept that you were shortsighted at best to consider someone clearly interested in you to not be in the circle of knowledge as regards your engagement?

I haven't told all my old boyfriend's I'm engaged either, but then they aren't phoning me to meet for coffee. There's a difference.

boyfriends, not boyfriend's- oops

bof, yes I can see that if it were the case that I was selective, however as I said above she changes her number so I don't actually know it's her until I answer.

In terms of being short sighted, probably, but I expected all the other points about not wanting a relationship etc etc to be enough, most normal people would have taken the hint.

If she lays off then fair enough, maybe I should have told her but her persistence thus far makes me think it may not be enough.

OK, but I'm 10 years into a similar situation... so....

he picks up 1/10 calls wasn't it?... and that was up till now... Apparently, according to Robsia, he's called her now, and told her that it's never going to happen. Dare say after the pasting he go on here, he unleashed some fury on her after all... OK, so he may have come good only when his attention was brought to the fact that it was seriously bothering OP, but if all is to be believed, the wrong has been righted....

Maybe I'm odd, though I am not AT ALL known for my pathological need to forgive... I've got a badge in Grudge Holding... however, IMHO, once someone has seen the error of their ways and sought to rectify the situation, what is the point of still baying for his blood? Seems utterly pointless to carry on spitting venom at him, and highly likely to do more damage to a relationship than has been done already.

I can see that his life and decisions to get married are absolutely none of this woman's business.... Of course he does NOT need to explain himself to anyone least of all her....until, that is, when she becomes a problem. Which of course, he now knows she IS.

I think he's been a bit of an ostrich and not seen that there is an issue. Men often DO miss the subtleties and nuances. Only when we point it out to them that so and so was flirting, such and such gave so and so a funny look, often they miss it all.

I'm not making excuses for him, but I can so easily see, knowing what some men are like, that it's possible that he thought it would just die down on it's own and who the F is she for him to explain his life to her.

BigMac... So can I ask what it was you actually said to this woman, Robsia said you called her and told her, can you update me on that please?

Oh and BTW, seeing as I'm practically a lone voice in seeing your POV, BigMac, my advice is that the velvet gloves come off with this woman now. In addition to telling her on the phone, put it in writing, Text her to say that she is NOT welcome to call you, that you want no further contact from her. No calls are answered. Not one.

Start the next steps with Robsia as you mean to go on... You have not done that badly by her, but you certainly could have done better.

But right now, you have to clear out the clutter, get rid of this woman by any means necessary (legal!!) or I'll be one tiny weeny cog in a HUGE machine of MNers that will be actively telling her NOT to even consider marrying you until you have done this... ....OK?

Again, good luck.

pag, oh jesus don't tell the clingon the date of the wedding... Does anyone here know of any reason... and all that...

I can see the thread already!

groundhogs - you're turning this thread into groundhog day now

at groundhog

thats a whole soap opera waiting to happen.

BIGMAC " I have spoken to her out of politeness as she changes her mobile number and I don't actually know it's her until I answer. As I don't discuss my personal life with exs I did not think it was entirely relevant."

She's changing her number to contact you??.....

FFS man, this is scary. Sadly, YOU need to change YOUR number.

DH has a bazillion bloodsucker relatives crawling out of the woodwork in his country, he saves their numbers, so he doesn't answer their calls by mistake, but they go and buy a new chip.... Now if he doesn't recognise numbers, he doesn't answer....

Let your voicemail pick up all odd numbers.

displayuntil curtsies.... I think....