Please help a very sad and confused new dad

[LostBoy]

Hello all
I am writing this post out of shher desperation in the hope that someone will be able to offer me some helpful advice.
I have been with my wife for 8 years and we have had what i would consider a normal healthy loving relationship, Of course we have had ups and downs and rows and disagreements but no more so than any other couple I know.
We have recently become parents (9 months ago) to a beautiful baby girl and things at first were fine we were a very happy little family and were getting along really great working as a team learning how to be a family.
Our daughter had slept in her cot from the day we come home from the hospital and would wake on average 3 times a night for feeds.
we both shared all responsibilites and were supporting one another really well and really enjoying being parents.
However when the baby was around 6 months old she got a bad cold and was very poorly and upset and would not sleep without being cuddled so we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot as our bed is not big enough for all three of us and both me and my wife were not sleeping as well as a result.
However when the baby was well agian my wife refused to put her back in to her cot and insisted the baby sleep in with us saying that the baby would no longer sleep in the cot which was untrue as I had been putting her down to sleep in the cot but my wife was then getting her out of the cot and bringing her in to bed with us.
I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore.
She accused me of not wanting the baby in our bed so because I wanted sex which was totally not the case as I love my wife very much and would like nothing more than to be able to make love to her but she has told me that she dosent feel ready too and that is fine with me and I would never ever try to pressure her in to something she did not want and I told her this and that I was more than happy to wait as long as she needed.
ut then she started to accuse me of only doing stuff for her helping her and being nice to her so that she would have sex with me, she also began to accuse me of thinking things and would make her mind up what my intentions were and what i was going to say before I had had a chance to say anything choosing always to see the bad side of whatever I said or twst my words and actions in to something really ugly,
I love my wife with all my heart and it is deeply upsetting for me to hear the spiteful and nasty stuff she says about me and accuses me of.
It got so bad thet she would not let me even hug kiss or touch her and whenever I showed any sign of affection towards her she would get angry,
She is seeing a CBT councellor for post natal depression and we have been going to relate together but she is unwilling to try to make it work and it has now come to the stage where she is saying she dosent love me and has made me move out of our flat and I an now staying with friends.
I have continued to tell her I love her and that I will always be there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself but all i get in return is anger and spitefull comments.
She is almost unrecognosible as the woman I Love and behaves so completely irratonally and unreasonably but refuses to see this and blames me for everything and gets angry over nothing and will use anything to try to start a fight with me. I am at a total loss as to what to do now.
I love my wife so much and she has given me the most amazing thing in the world all I want is to be able to love them both care for them be there and be a family. But she has got so hostile and aggressive towards me now that I am scared for her and cannot stand to be around her and see her this way.
Our daughter is upset that I am not around and although I try to be ther as much as I can my wife is making it impossible for me to vist and refuses to let me be alone with the baby.
please please help me I have never felt so sad and desperate.

Dittany, you'll ALWAYS be right about male posters who turn out to be dangerous liars, because you accuse every male poster! Like the old lady in Norfolk, who threw peanuts out of the train window to keep elephants off the track ...

.."of course co-sleeping is a bad idea! I accept that sometimes it is necessary and inevitable but I think it is sensible to try and stop it before it becomes a habit""

"Of course"?

You have an opinion. It is not one that is shared universally. You have a right to the opinion, but that doesn't necessarily make it the right opinion. Maybe so-sleeping is not for you. Co-sleeping worked for me. It's not for everyone, but it's neither a bad idea nor a good one. There's no 'of course' here. There's no consensus that it's a bad idea. There's no sensible one size fits all way, just what's practical, imo. Not everyone is concerned about nipping what you consider something negative in the bud.

WWIFN, the language used is the only way to assess what's going on in this situation. It's not picking on someone to ask for clarification of what he has said, or to point out that his perceptions of malice in his wife might be the PND talking. All we have to go on is the language the OP has chosen to use to describe the situation. There are support groups for men whose partners have PND, and these have been mentioned on the thread. They are both a source of comfort and information.

So, let me get this straight - you picked him up on his posting name because you "had a feeling" and you've seen a guy make death threats to his wife? And this man who didn't agree with co-sleeping reminded you of this man who made death threats to his wife?

All picked up on your antennae?

I may well have less than 100 posts under this name. All that proves is that I've only made a certain number of posts under this name. It's not relative to my longevity here.

But, still, it's something else to spice up your consipracy theories

And hey - you were patronising to me. If you don't like it, I suggest you don't dish it out first.

so how many posts must one have made until one can challenge you Dittany, pray tell?

Less than 100 = no challenge allowed

100-250 = short exchange

250-500 = parry and thrust

500+ = fuck off

Is that how it works?

I thought it was MarkHenley tbh

< Seriously think about what you say before you start making stupid accusations like that >
If you don't mind, Dittany, I won't be defending my 'accusation' in court.

No, I suppose that is one consolation. You aren't a moron.

I've no idea who this man is that you speak of, by the way. I'm assuming it was a man on here.

I'm intrigued to know just how many people willingly offered to help this man top his wife.

Actually, I'm not that bothered. It's not relevant.

Trying to remember which one ItsGraceAgain is.

Spoof, not sure to whom you're addressing that, but the man who had the shotgun was from a thread on MN a few months ago. A lot of women were appalled at this man's OP, having seen there a good few things they had seen in their own lives with partners or ex partners: a pattern of covert jibes about the wife, questioning of her mental state, outrage that she had fled with police protection to a shelter with the children, extreme concern over the childrens' welfare and his access to them. A lot of other women posted in defence of that OP, and there was a great deal of bun-tossing, accusations of man-hating, etc. Turned out the OP in that case was a complete jerk.

The OP here showed a similar tendency to use negative language about his wife, while portraying himself as a very put-upon party. I think that there were aspects of the OP that rang a bell for a good few people. It wasn't a judgement that was based on vague feelings. It wasn't based on just the posting name either, but a pattern, made up of many aspects of the OP's posts. Not necessarily the right conclusion to arrive at, but not necessarily the wrong one either.

I'm afraid I'm not giving up that information. I changed my name for a very good reason. Suffice to say, I'm almost certain I've been here longer than you, so suggest since you have less posts than I, you defer to me.

I suffered with depression after the DS and I freely admit to being a complete bitch to DH. The truth is I was totally overwhelmed with the massive responsbility of caring for a new baby and I really resented the fact that my DH still had a life. He still had an income, friends, a social life, an escape route if you like.

He tried to help so much, bless him, but everything he did sounded like a criticism to me. I was going crazy trying to create the perfect bottle washing/sterilising system and would become hysterical when DH did it 'his' way. He didn't understand the hours I'd put into perfecting my system and his 'refusal' (inconsiderate bastard to follow my method seemed like more criticism.

Of course, he could have done things differently sometimes, he was a classic fixer, which made me feel even more rubbish but I have to be honest and say he couldn't have made me happy at that point, I was ill.

I did get better OP, with anti depressants and CBT. The only advice I can give you is listen to your wife, sympathise, ask what you can do to help, encourage her to see get out and see friends. Try not to offer solutions, it can just reinforce the feeling of being a complete failure as a mother, try not to judge her and don't give up on her.

Well I certainly dont come under that banner, so don't include me in it.

Might be worth thinking about though, that if so many people are apparently changing their name to have a dig, or, just have a dig at you, it mightn't be about them so much....?

hmm

Why do people come on, planning to post embarrassing/personal detail about themselves, and then post their age, location and job, in their profile, with the effect that anyone connected to the situation will be able to confirm immediately who the poster is.

All seems very strange. Especially the mother-in-law speaking from beyond the grave.

No, I suppose not.

arf

yes of course spoof did a namechange some time ago with the express intent of falling out with you at some point in the future Dittany