He has gone for the third, and last time.

[saddest]

It's been a while since I was here. So much has happened.

I have discovered that my first husband maintained contact with my mother and sisters, although not his son.

I have discovered that my sister was giving him legal advice and that they pressured him into continuing to fight for custody of my son. They failed, but it cost me £20 000 and one suicide attempt by me.

In hospital I was assessed as being perfectly sane, just pushed to the edge.

My mother and sisters have been back in my life, in the interim, and have been convincing my current husband that I am mad, have NPD, I am a bully, a terrible mum and that he should leave me, as the real me is evil and demonic.

My husband has lost 90% of his work in the last six months, and has been behaving in an increasingly bizarre way.

He has taken on the role of chief gaslighter.

It got so bad that I asked the gp to refer me to the community mental health team. I was assessed and told that there was nothing wrong with me.

I had a couple of sessions, and the therapist said that she needed to see him. He refused.

He won't even go to the gp.

This morning he left, for the third time in six months, still maintaining that everything is my fault, from the lack of work to his lack of friends.

He has been recording our conversations/arguments on his Iphone and hiding his phone in an outside loo, so I can't find it....not that I want to.

Last night, he did this, ate an onion for his tea and once again told me how these un named people have always told him that I was mad, that I would be suicidal if he left (!) and that I had am difficult to work with and everyone hates me.

Thankfully my friends think I'm lovely, and a bit of a mug for tolerating this for so long.

I have said that he cannot come back until he goes to the doctors and I need help to stay strong.

Thank you for persevering.

You need to change the locks and get a restraining order. This man is extremley dangerous to your mental health and that of your DC. WHoever said you can't change the locks is wrong - he has been coming into the house, causing damage and removing items that are not his property. Go right ahead and change them.

I have been told by the police and two solicitors that I cannot change the locks.

The police are able to get me and the kids shunted to the top of the counselling waiting list.....which is something worth knowing about.

I will be setting out my wishes...ie that he is not to enter the house whilst I am not there, or indeed when I am, except to pick up and drop off dd.

I will be proposing access times, and if he does not stick to these I will let the police speak to him.

As advised by womens aid....his behaviour this weekend is now logged, and the wpc has been there and done that, which always helps.

He started grilling me this afternoon and starting with the verbal abuse. I naed the abuse, said it was unacceptable and held the door open.

I said " you wouldn't speak to someone in the street like that....do not speak to me like that, I demand respect and until you give it to me you must leave immediately....Goodbye"

Shut the door and burst into tears.

naed? said.

On what grounds can you not change the locks? He doesn;t live there. It;s not his home any more. And he is entering the house against your wishes, damaging and removing property that is not his, planting surveillance devices etc. You can;t be expected to just put up with this.
Change the locks anyway. The only way he would know you have changed them would be if he tried to get into the house when you weren't there and you must be entitled to keep him out of the house.

Apparently because it is still his house...both names on the mortgage.

I would have to go to court, and depending on which judge I got, it's a risky and inflammatory strategy.It would also be extremely expensive and I do not qualify for legal aid.

If and when it does go legal, the police and health services have a lot of information now.
If I go for a harrasment order, it will all be there on record.

I have been through this before...I know that my "mother" is instrumental in driving things, It's all so familiar. I have put up a big sign in my room saying "Say Nothing Saddest". The thing that got me to the point of suicide last time was that feeling of being alone and out of control. At least this time I am surrounded by some family, friends and professional agencies....oh and you lot Thank God for that

Shit innit.

Oh that's awful. I really thought that when someone has left the marital home and there is a situation of abuse then that person can be locked out of his/her former home to protect the partner and the children still living there. And surely if he is doing things like installing surveillance equipment he can be stopped from entering the house even if his name is on the deeds, surely yoru right not to be spied on by a lunatic is more important than his right to get in to the house when he wants to?
But have you got something underway to sell the house or buy him out of it? IE is this a temporary situation? If so maybe it will be bearable for a while I suppose, but it must be pretty horrible. Very glad you have professional support - at least nutters like your XP do tend to unravel at some point to the extent that people who don't know them tend to think 'nutter' rather than 'Gosh, Saddest must be a terrible person from what he says.'
THough it's much, much less bad than what you are going through, I recently had a spot of bother with a former 'friend' who started bombarding me with abusive emails and then started emailing mutual friends and professional contacts to tell them what a dreadful person I am. I found this a bit distressing until all the professionals started ringing me and emailing me going 'WHat an absolute fucking nutter, are you all right?' When someone is saying bad things about you, it's sadly easy to start doubting yourself, but vindictive loons always give themselves away and overreach themselves.
Hopefully you will be shot of this first-class arsehole soon.

So it gets worse.

DD just got back from her "weekend" at h's...(weekend starts at 1pm saturday and ends 1pm sunday!)

She has told me that daddy is going to take her to see nan. ie my "mother".

Thankfully the freedom programme I am starting on Tuesday is run by childrens services, so hopefully thay will be able to advise further on exactly how to prevent this.

I have left a message on h's phone that if I would be in trouble for allowing my children to go to a hgouse with class A drugs lying around, then so will he, and I will be the one informing them of his intentions.

I am shaking, although womens aid, once again, have calmed me down a bit.

My God.....how low will this shit go, just to hurt me?

Saddest - you are doing really well, you are being really strong. You will get through this.

I imagine, from what you have said, he will go to any length to hurt you. Please report things to the police, social services, womens aid etc - keep his actions in front of them - keep them aware of your position.

Stay strong - you can do it.

As I said to the womens aid advisor, when you compare the person I know seven years ago, with him now, it is truly unbelievable.

The lies and hypocrisy, the utter fakery of who he pretended to be stuns and disgusts me.

The way he is using the children to hurt me is fucking disgusting.

He started agian when he dropped her off, saying that I was a disgusting mother because the children never go anywhere or see anyone. Short memory....he was watching our every move over easter when we went to stay with cousins!

I suppose this is his twisted justification to take her to meet the drugged up abused and abusive nutters in Stockport.

It really does make you wonder doesn't it. Was he ever who you thought he was?

I am amazed you can't change the locks, that's ridiculous! Me, I'd do it anyway. I'd also get an alarm fitted.

What's the next step you need to take?

He is an absolute fucking nutter. The next time he came to my house, and dared to give me any sort of abuse, I'd be calling the police and telling them that I was concerned about my safety. He cannot be allowed to carry on emotionally battering you each time you come into contact with him.

Say no more words to him. Ignore him completely. When he picks up DD, drops her off, don't acknowledge him at all. Open the door as a sign for him to piss off should he need to come inside, although I don't see why he needs to at all. If he becomes verbally abusive or threatening, call the police. Sounds dramatic, but bloody hell, this can't continue. Not only for your sake, but your children's. Stay strong.

I wouldn't mind but my "mother" has responsilbilty for some vulnerable children.

My sister could lose her barristerial career, and my h could end up....well God know where!

They just can't see it. All they can see is that I am the baddy.

If she did go over there, they wouldn't bother with her...they'd sit round the table getting drunk and discussing how evil I am. That's the thing that my h used to really hate about them....and now he's doing it!!!!!

Saddest - you owe your mother, sister and H NOTHING.

I feel sorry for those children and SS should be told the situation they are in, but at the moment you need to look after you and your DC.

Do what you have to, to get him out of your lives.

I know I'm being punished for being happy yesterday, and getting my own life back.

I know he's really angry that he is losing comtrol of me, and is doing these things with the sole intention of making me feel like shit.

It's worked.

I took the kids to one of those Brewers fayre softplay and sunday dinner places, but, sat there on the verge of tears.

How can someone so lovely turn into such a cruel sdaistic monster?

I start counselling tomorrow...which is good because right now the pain of the betrayal and fury directed at me is almost too much to bear. I want to run away.

Don't think like that, it's exactly what he wants!!

Be strong, be as happy as you can be, each & every day.

I don't know if they are lovely and turn into monsters, or if they were always monsters in disguise - but either way, it's the monster you are dealing with now. However, you just need to stay strong and you will get him out of your life.

You have the counselling tomorrow and the Freedom thing Tuesday - they will help you get sorted.

You just have to believe that it will come right in the end, that you will get through this. Your kids need you to be strong OK.

I wish there was more I could do.... sorry.