He has gone for the third, and last time.

[saddest]

It's been a while since I was here. So much has happened.

I have discovered that my first husband maintained contact with my mother and sisters, although not his son.

I have discovered that my sister was giving him legal advice and that they pressured him into continuing to fight for custody of my son. They failed, but it cost me £20 000 and one suicide attempt by me.

In hospital I was assessed as being perfectly sane, just pushed to the edge.

My mother and sisters have been back in my life, in the interim, and have been convincing my current husband that I am mad, have NPD, I am a bully, a terrible mum and that he should leave me, as the real me is evil and demonic.

My husband has lost 90% of his work in the last six months, and has been behaving in an increasingly bizarre way.

He has taken on the role of chief gaslighter.

It got so bad that I asked the gp to refer me to the community mental health team. I was assessed and told that there was nothing wrong with me.

I had a couple of sessions, and the therapist said that she needed to see him. He refused.

He won't even go to the gp.

This morning he left, for the third time in six months, still maintaining that everything is my fault, from the lack of work to his lack of friends.

He has been recording our conversations/arguments on his Iphone and hiding his phone in an outside loo, so I can't find it....not that I want to.

Last night, he did this, ate an onion for his tea and once again told me how these un named people have always told him that I was mad, that I would be suicidal if he left (!) and that I had am difficult to work with and everyone hates me.

Thankfully my friends think I'm lovely, and a bit of a mug for tolerating this for so long.

I have said that he cannot come back until he goes to the doctors and I need help to stay strong.

Thank you for persevering.

Thank you, wingandaprayer

No problem. I hope they can provide the help you need. I've reported my post above.

It's been a full week now.

This morning I feel like crap, can't stop crying. I feel so stupid. Reading the websites about emotional abuse this is a text book case.

I DID have a sense that he was like this at the begining...I am well informed. But I thought that I was strong enough to deal with it. I thought that I was emotionally healthy enough to pull him up to my levels of optimism and positivity.

I was at the end of a bad marriage, and he just was there, every day, we were friends I thought, we worked together. He told me I was the most talented person ever.

He asked me to marry him less than two months after leaving my first husband.

Absolute typical behaviour.

Then he started with the jealousy, and accusing me of flriting.

Then made me feel bad about being in touch with friends, and bad about working for other people.

Then we moved to the middle of nowhere. I was completely isolated and would spend days just staring out of the window. He just ignored me. It was as though once he'd got me here, he didn't have to bother with me anymore. He would spend hours in a shed painting skirting boards, and just completely ignoring me.

He backtracked on getting married. We did eventually, but on our own abroad. No guests, no celebration. Almost as though he didn't want anyone to know.

He became less and less supportive of my career, something that has always mattered to me. I had a good reputation and people like to work with me. He slowly started to suggest that other women were better at my job than me, and that he would prefer to use them on jobs, and that I was preventing him from doing so.

I wasn't i just wanted to be reassured that I was still any good, since I didn't work for many other people other than him any more.

There are two big ironies.

It was him that convinced ne that I was going mad....so I sought help. and heard the words emotional abuse for the first time.

Second was the decision to donate to charity instead of christmas presents for the adults in the family one christmas. The charity was refuge.

What in God's name was I thinking? Stupid bitch. And now there are two children being affected.

No one to talk to.....helps to get it off my chest. Don't expect anyone to read it.

Darling, I did. I have read your thread but not posted, others are better qualified to support you.
I am so sorry for you, but that is not going to get you anywhere.
What I will say though is that you have a choice. You can stay where you are or you can move on. Or at least make the decision to move on.
I think you probably need to consider not seeing him any more. Not allowing him into your home any more.
Have another word with Women's Aid. At least there will be a friendly voice to talk to. They won't think that you are stupid any more than any of us do.
Make a plan to ring the solicitors on Monday. At nine o'clock.
And think what you can do to amuse yourself over the weekend. Any plan will do.
Let us know what you have decided.

Don't feel silly. The reason this type of abuse is so widespread is that it works. It works on a whole lot of victims, men as well as women, for years and years. You can't see it when you're in the middle of it. Just be grateful that the fool left you, thus giving you a chance to step outside the situation and see it for what it really was. Now you can start putting your life back together. You still have your brain (which has been pronounced healthy by several experts!) and lovely children. And now you've had your eyes opened, no-one will be able to walk all over you in the same way again.

Stop it. Right. Now!

You are not stupid. Manipulation is manipulation, it does what it says on the tin.

Be as kind to yourself as you would to any other woman in your situation. Would you judge them and namecall? I doubt it!

Be wary of his current game (the bag of shopping). He's playing cat and you're his mouse but only if you engage.

It's been a week and he's starting to realise you are gaining independence from him, so he'll try to endear himself to you, possibly quite desperately ...but he could turn back in the blink of an eye.

Call a friend? Get out of the house, even to a park, for a walk or just for lunch. Clear the cobwebs away then approach this afresh with the conviction that you aren't a stupid bitch and you will get through this.

He has just texted to say that he has found somewhere to live.

Why do I swing between such extremes of emotion?

I am so so sad. I have this ludicrous fantasy that he will wake up to what he has done, and want to maks things right.

I found myself sobbing, hugging his shirts.

Excellent saddest. Now you needn't even worry that he is homeless.
You can now get on with your life.
Dry your eyes, my love, blow your nose, take some deep breaths and go and do something nice.

One of my first acts of defiance last autumn was to resurrect my facebook page.

Facebook is of course "stupid, for losers with no real life"

Well, I have been in contact with all my old colleagues, including all the girl singers that I am "jealous of and hate so much". (I am a singer).

They are wonderful, and like miscarriages, you suddenly find out that so very many other women have been where I am.

I have had a message from a very insightful work colleague. He said that, had I been released from prison, he could not be sad about that....however it looks at the time to me. Freedom is always the better option.

The more I am back in contact witht the world, the better.

My dad's family have been in touch too. It's like diving back into life.

I know this time will pass. I really thank all of you for keeping me afloat in those very very dark hours.

That is such a brave post, saddest. I hope you will now namechange to "singer" of something equally upbeat.

He came to see the children.

He asked via dd if he could come back and I said no.

saddest, bag up his stuff and leave it in the studio, next time he comes he can pick it up.

One of the most cathartic things I did when splitting from ex, was decluttering the whole house room by room, as a bonus I also ended up with huge amounts of wardrobe space!

Well done. From the bottom of my heart. Really well done. Keep going.

He asked that via your child? That's despicable, it really is. Isn't she only 5? Horrible position to put her and so you in

If he's going to see them, he needs to be pulled up on using them this way. How are they doing generally?

Appointment with solicitors is on Wednesday.

He has now decided not to take the rental place in his home town 40 miles away, but to stay with someone in the next village so he can come here every day to work and see dd.

So in other words, no change, but sleeping in another house down the road.

I may be being unreasonable, but I can't deal with that.

DD is very upset confused, sometimes angry.

DS has, it must be said, blossomed a little. He is helping more around the house, doing homework without being asked etc. He speaks rather than grunts.

It's very difficult to remain upbeat with them when I want to crawl under a quilt and die.

Yesterday we made cake and sang disney songs from karaoke on youtube.

Excellent news about the solicitors. Make sure he doesn't realise you have made it.

Excellent news about singing Disney songs.

Bad bad news about him not moving 40 miles away. More oportunity for manipulation.

Bad news about your daughter being upset.
As others have said, speak to him as little as posible, when you do, be polite, pleasant and distant.

Do realise he wants to be in your life because he needs a slave. Do you want a slave master?

Why have I just allowed him to wind me up AGAIN!!!

He is denying that he ever called me any of the things that he called me. But he did....I know he did. It still makes me feel as though I am going round the bend. Even though I know that this is what they do.

He is saying that it is "other people" who have witnessed MY abuse toward him.

AAAAAHGGGGHHHGHGH!!!!!!

So I lost my temper And of course he said, quite calmly, that I am the one doing the shouting therefore I am the abuser.

Yes I did call him a "short arsed twat". Does that make me the abuser?

Bollocks.

saddest, please google "gaslighting"

you will find this man there

I have become familiar with the word in the last six months.

He didn't ever do it before last August. It's almost as though he learned it fom my mother, he learned the script.

I have had this for all my life from her, I just didn't realise what it was.

But WHY? Why destroy our marriage, lose his home, eventually his relationship with the kids....WHY?

he can't help himself

but you can help yourself and stay well, well, well away from him

So, now he is in a b&b down the road,won't tell me which one though. Has been in the studio all day yesterday and today.

yesterday spent all after school time with dd, and ignored ds. When he went ds was aggressive and horrid to his sister. I guessed he felt pretty bad about not mattering to "daddy" any more. He sTarted to tell me at breakfast that he was fed up about the way that h made up misdemeanors to tell him off for.

I said as much on the phone when he rang to say goodnight to dd.

Today...here again all day, aside from his routine trip to the gym. (except without me...we used to go together). Just like normal!!

He took on board about ds and took him to athletics, just as normal. Bought him a dvd...(local scouse thing that his so called friend had been involved with. Will say more about "friend" at some point). So was still here at 8:3o watching the dvd until I said I wanted to lock up, then he stormed off.

The only thing that has changed is his venom towards me.

I am completely confused.

And the f***g boilers broken and they can't come out till tomorrow afternoon.

but why was he hanging about once the errands and kids activities were completed ?

boot him off to the (probably scabby) b+b as soon as possible

He left, three times now......although he's telling people that I kicked him out. ( 'cos my alter ego is a bouncer!)

So why DOES he keep coming back?

Because he wants it all ways doesn't he. He wants the beautiful home, and kids, and the food and the telly and the company, and possibly even me to bounce all his stuff off. Who wouldn't?

But he wants to keep me out of his life, physically and emotionally. Well it doesn't work that way. What do I get? Relationships go both ways.

Shouldn't have made me go for therapy should he.

I have been bullied (in the nicest possible way) by my school playground mates to go to an 80's night, fancy dress, on Saturday, I have booked a sitter and I will buy some blue eyeshadow tomorrow.

I can see his sorry little boy face when he finds out that it has sod all to do with him...none of it, not childcare not transport, not nuffin.

good girl !

you have him sussed

he wants the easy cushion of cosy family life, but don't let him have it...he has shown he is not prepared to put in the effort having all that requires

have a wild night on Saturday !!

I think you are doing really well, and should be proud of yourself.

Now, I am a real supporter of the importance of Dads to children and will admit to being very sceptical about myriad claims by women during break-ups that men only want to see their children to 'get at' or continue control over their mother.

But in this case I really am getting the vibe that your DS may be used here to get at you. Can you arrange counselling for DS to help him cope with this? Sort out some basic rules (with DS's input)eg DS is in at X time (given that the video watching was in the studio - if it wasn't, then I'd suggest that the rule is your X doesn't come in the house!)

It's going to be very hard to disengage when he is close to you (ie in the studio) but you've made a fantastic start and you can keep going.