He has gone for the third, and last time.

[saddest]

It's been a while since I was here. So much has happened.

I have discovered that my first husband maintained contact with my mother and sisters, although not his son.

I have discovered that my sister was giving him legal advice and that they pressured him into continuing to fight for custody of my son. They failed, but it cost me £20 000 and one suicide attempt by me.

In hospital I was assessed as being perfectly sane, just pushed to the edge.

My mother and sisters have been back in my life, in the interim, and have been convincing my current husband that I am mad, have NPD, I am a bully, a terrible mum and that he should leave me, as the real me is evil and demonic.

My husband has lost 90% of his work in the last six months, and has been behaving in an increasingly bizarre way.

He has taken on the role of chief gaslighter.

It got so bad that I asked the gp to refer me to the community mental health team. I was assessed and told that there was nothing wrong with me.

I had a couple of sessions, and the therapist said that she needed to see him. He refused.

He won't even go to the gp.

This morning he left, for the third time in six months, still maintaining that everything is my fault, from the lack of work to his lack of friends.

He has been recording our conversations/arguments on his Iphone and hiding his phone in an outside loo, so I can't find it....not that I want to.

Last night, he did this, ate an onion for his tea and once again told me how these un named people have always told him that I was mad, that I would be suicidal if he left (!) and that I had am difficult to work with and everyone hates me.

Thankfully my friends think I'm lovely, and a bit of a mug for tolerating this for so long.

I have said that he cannot come back until he goes to the doctors and I need help to stay strong.

Thank you for persevering.

'Existing' is probably more accurate.

So glad you spoke with WA, has it been helpful in any way?

Yes, thank you Ecomouse. Very helpful.

It's difficult to get through all the information, but I will plod through it. In between half term entertaining.

I have had an email from him this morning, calling me a bully.

Good half term, lots of cuddle time!

Calling you a bully is in all likelihood a projection of his own, subconscious, self perception.

He is, you're not. He can't and wont accept that he is, so projects the very thought onto you, making you the perpetrator in his mind, enabling him to negate responsibility and cast blame in your direction.

It's also a slight designed to make you doubt yourself because when you are a good, genuine and kind person, to be called a bully is quite a painful insult, isn't it?

Saddest: Men like this think that you will never be able to escape, because they don't acgtually think you are a human being at al: you are an object they own and can destroy if it suits them.
YOu will get over this and life is going to be so much better without all these deranged drug-addled fuckups dragging you down/. Best of luck.

He wants to come and get some stuff tomorrow. I want a friend here when he does to ensure reasonable behaviour. He calls this my "protection".

This is me bulying, IT IS "HIS HOUSE".

No, it's our home. It's in joint names and I pay the coucil tax and utilities.

There's a peek into the mindset I suppose.

As for projection...yes. Everything he accuses me of is what he is.

I don't frighten 5 year old girls so much that they lock themselves in the bathroom.

I don't speak to young lads as though they were something off the bottom of my shoe.

I don't tell people how they feel, what they think, and what they will do next. He does.

persons unknown have told him that I will be suicidal if we split.

a: Who are these unnamed people who know my mind more than I do?

b: No I won't. I for one love my kids.

Arrogant doesn't come close....deranged maybe.

By calling it protection, even as a jibe, he's acknowledging a need for it!

This whole suicide thing, hmm. Are you meant to be grateful that he's stayed?

Good luck for tomorrow/today. Smile sweetly, serenely and irritatingly sanely

I am taking the kids and their friend to the pictures today.

Last night he emailed to say that he had taken legal advice and that what I was doing was illegal.

He has sent another email asking to leave a key for the studio to stuff while I am out.

I will do that, but not house keys. I am frightened of what he may do and these days I trust my instincts.

I am waiting for legal advice from the national centre for domestic violence who womens aid put me in touch with. I don't know if I am within my rights to keep him out of the house.

If you feel that he will damage property or become violent towards you or the DC then you can keep him out of the house and/or insist that a police officer is there to prevent him from becoming violent and see that he removes only belongings he is entitled to remove.
Remember this man has forfeited his right to be treated like an ordinary innocent human being by his OWN behaviour.

Back from the princess and the frog. The girls thought it too scary, but ds and I enjoyed it!

He has been, but taken nothing except some mail! He even left the key, which I never though he would do.

It's the extremes of the mood swings which have been alarming.

After one saturday evening a couple of weeks ago, where the name calling and accusations were literally non stop, he came to bed and kissed me.Then cuddled up. Not in a sexual way, but in a needing comfort way.

There I go feeling sorry for him again. I wonder what on earth his childhood must have been like. They are all like coiled springs.

I have never been to his family home. At relate he said that he thought I would think bthe worse of him So sad.

After a good day with the kids, and friends, I have switched on the laptop, only to find that he has changed the password.

This computer I am on now is in a back room and the laptop was useful to do stuff in the same room as the kids.

Why do I feel the need to justify that. It was a joint purchase intended to be used by both of us.

That has really hit me. What a nasty vindictive man he has become. This is all since last summer.

My sister said he had little man syndrome and he went bananas. Justifiably I think. But why has he become just as vindictive as her?

I wish I could pin down my instincts on this. There is more to this..I just know there is.

My best mate in RL reckons that he is still in touch with them. Somewhere in me I think so too.

Do you all really believe that instincts are always right? Maybe I am mad, paranoid etc?

(The movie has a baddie in it but he's not as scary as Jafar in Aladin)

He might still be in touch with them or they may have put the knife in to the extent that he's got enough fuel to keep him running. He might have broken contact but turned to them now, for 'back up'. Collusion to justify his behaviour (to himself alone!).

Trust your instincts, don't doubt yourself.

Speak with local computer repair places about bypassing the new password? What a ridiculous thing for him to have done!

I spoke to the therapist I was seeing on the phone today.

She was quite clear that his abandonment of us and abuse is "appalling behaviour", and there is really only one way forward. His complete lack of care for what he has done to the children speaks volumes.

I also had a call from someone who has known him for thirty or so years. He said that he has episodes of strangeness in the past, where he has disapeared completely. Before I met him.

He wanted to take dd out tomorrow. I had already made plans. I don't feel at all comfortable with someone so unstable taking any child anywhere.

Will be speaking to a solicitor in the morning.

I know of two men who have done something like this in the last few years. in neither case did it end in divorce. Struggling to make that leap in my head, but I need to know about access etc.

I took the children out yesterday and met a friend an her kids.

He had asked me to leave a studio key for him again, which I did.

I got home to find two bags of shopping. Treats for the kids, things he knows they like, and a bottle of my favourite wine.

What do you make of that?

Sounds like a random act of kindness to me and that he is unlikely to be consistent? Would imagine it has thrown you completely?

Hi, I haven't posted on your thread before saddest, but have been reading.
It rang alarm bells when you said he'd been into your home and only taken post, then left shopping.
Do you think he may have taken those times to install some kind of keylogger software to keep track of you?
As he's made sure you can only use the pc,perhaps he's done something to it and is monitoring from there?
You are of course the only person who knows what he's capable of but to me he sounds scarily unstable.

No, I left a key for the studio only, which is a separate building.

He left the shopping in an outhouse.

I think that he changed the password on the laptop before he went.

I know that he was using my pc three or four times before he went. Checking up on me no doubt, and always denials and a guilty expression. I saw him though. (That expression of guilt and fear is the way I remember his face the most).

I said to him to check away, I wasn't hiding anything, and he was welcome to read all my emails, check my history, whatever he wants.

More projection there. He accused me of stalking him and keeping him a prisoner.

I wish I knew more about projection. I've never known anything like this in my life.

To add....it hasn't thrown me as much as completely confused me. It's just weird, and actually rather sad.

He knew that I'd done a picnic for he kids, and he'd put picnic things in the shopping.

I have a friend who went through something similar to this. Turns out it was a cocaine habit, he never admitted to her, but she found out through the grapevine. Completely bizarre behaviour and completely self absorbed. Can't find the right descriptive words, sorry! She held her head high and simply got on with her life. I think you are doing so well. Who knows what his motivation is. Steer clear for a couple of weeks til the dust settles, get as much official advice as you can and then lay down the law re access. And make the most of the lovely time with the kids. x

Cocaine keeps on coming up.

I know instinctively there was more to his relationship with my sister and her oh. Both of whom do coke.

The first thing she said to him when they first met, was that she had something that could help him control his weight.

The secrecy and paranoia.

The credit card in the loo.

The way he disapeared with them at a family wedding and was very aggresive with me when they did reappear.

Her saying that I have a persecution complex.

His brother was a heroin addict. He was found dead in his flat. It was horrible. You'd think that that would put anyone off even trying any kind of drug.

Saddest have you found a solicitor? I'm in the same area you are and know two very good family solicitors. If you still need recommendations let me know.

I haven't yet no, all the ones I've tried have been booked up for ages, or don't have specialists. So yes please.