He has gone for the third, and last time.

[saddest]

It's been a while since I was here. So much has happened.

I have discovered that my first husband maintained contact with my mother and sisters, although not his son.

I have discovered that my sister was giving him legal advice and that they pressured him into continuing to fight for custody of my son. They failed, but it cost me £20 000 and one suicide attempt by me.

In hospital I was assessed as being perfectly sane, just pushed to the edge.

My mother and sisters have been back in my life, in the interim, and have been convincing my current husband that I am mad, have NPD, I am a bully, a terrible mum and that he should leave me, as the real me is evil and demonic.

My husband has lost 90% of his work in the last six months, and has been behaving in an increasingly bizarre way.

He has taken on the role of chief gaslighter.

It got so bad that I asked the gp to refer me to the community mental health team. I was assessed and told that there was nothing wrong with me.

I had a couple of sessions, and the therapist said that she needed to see him. He refused.

He won't even go to the gp.

This morning he left, for the third time in six months, still maintaining that everything is my fault, from the lack of work to his lack of friends.

He has been recording our conversations/arguments on his Iphone and hiding his phone in an outside loo, so I can't find it....not that I want to.

Last night, he did this, ate an onion for his tea and once again told me how these un named people have always told him that I was mad, that I would be suicidal if he left (!) and that I had am difficult to work with and everyone hates me.

Thankfully my friends think I'm lovely, and a bit of a mug for tolerating this for so long.

I have said that he cannot come back until he goes to the doctors and I need help to stay strong.

Thank you for persevering.

Yes, he wants it all but most of all he wants the power. Best of luck with the solicitor's appointment today.
I hope you will get some advice about arrangements for reasonable access.

Went well at the solicitors. Cried a lot, and was there for over two hours, it's all so complex.

H had been into school yesterday. He said that I had said that dd's teacher had said he was abusive.

Of course she didn't, she's a professional. If he was thinking straight he would know that teachers just don't say things like that. But, I am pissed off that he said that I had said that. I know that this is what they do, but this is in the wider community and I feel slandered. I don't know what to do about it.

I did tell dd's teachers on each of the occassions that he has gone, and each time he came back. They need to know. She is very clingy and they have been wonderful, especially in the mornings.

But they don't know all the background,they must be wondering what the truth of the situation is. All I can think to make it feel better is that actions speak louder than words. I feel like taking my medical notes in to show them that it is not me.

He said to me this afternoon, that he wishes he could tell me what dd's teacher said about me and "my performance". I know that this is what they do, but it scares me. It's so unfair.

He's pretending that people are saying awful things about me. A few weeks ago I was still ringing round to see if they really were....they were not.

On one level I feel really sorry for him. He has lost the plot.

Saddest, my x's (the two of them combined faorces, would you believe) have done the same to me. They also approached Social Services.

I now have in hand a report by SS stating they believe the x's intentions are malicious and intended to cause me emotional distress.

As soon as I became aware that they were doing similar to yours, I made an appointment with the head to enlighten her to my perspective, particularly regarding the children.

As a result of this and other behaviour on their part, one ex has been convicted of harassment and the case for the second is underway. The approaches to school and SS are considered stalking under the circumstances.

Do make an appointment with your DD's head, it is important that they are made aware of the 'confusion' surrounding what he said about both the abuse and the schools perception of you.

Don't forget, it is highly unlikely that the school have said anything untoward about you, to him. It would be a worrying breach of confidentiality if they had, so this really needs to be clarified either way. They have a right and responsibility to discuss your DD's progress with him but not anything about you.

He's trying to get at you, keep seeing it for what it is. He hasn't got a leg to stand on and it's good to hear you are in communication with a solicitor.

Ecomouse....they joined forces? Good heavens! How awful for you!

I went in to school early yesterday and had a word with the head. The thing is, he is the one who has had no regard for the welfare of the children by coming and going the way he has. (not my words....my therapists words)

I know that dd's teacher would NEVER make personal judgements on me or anyone else. I told H that. I said that they were far too professional.

The head did say however that he seemed extremely stressed.

It doesn't help matters that H gave the head(who's relatively new) a ludicrous nickname and dd told the head what daddy had called him. Oh dear.

OMG poor you,

All I can say is if I were you (and you sound very strong) I would get my evil mother and sister out of my life and also get rid of the crazy husband.

It sounds like he was a Lot little unbalanced to start with but your mum and sister have done a job on him.

Do not let these people in to your life to damage you and your child/children

(( )) x

Saddest, would he like a pickaxe to go with that shovel, do you think?

So glad to hear the school is onside, so they should be

This mornings nonsense.

The people I currently work for, have been in touch with him to say that they are 100% behind him.

He has nothing to do with any of the people I work for! Wouldn't even anwer the phone to any of my clients!! Nutter!

He did let slip though that his main client hasn't been in touch with him for a while now. Which OF COURSE is my fault, because I stop him working. He's in his studio NOW working! I'm not very good at stopping him working am I ?

At least you realise it is nonsene. How did you deal with it?

saddest, it is so hard not to be drawn into the mind games and not let them affect you.

I hope you have something good or peaceful happening at the weekend.

I don't know if it is of any interest to you but I spoke to someone about meditation as a way of calming my thoughts down from outside influences, and it has left me with a good calm positive feeling and that I am not mad.... .

I've posted a separate thread about his "friend"

It was suggested that H is seeimg someone else.

This morning, he asked me about the solicitor and whether I had started proceedings.

I told him that I had merely sought advice, and told the whole story, including the bits about my mother and sister as I believe that they are relevant.

He accused me of being vindictive and trying to ruin my sisters legal career by mentioning the cocaine. He really went beserk sticking up for her. Went on and on and on about her.

I said that if she was choosing to have the stuff in the house that she would ultimately ruin her own career. No help required.

And that under no circumstances do I want my children there.

That sister chose the engagement ring H gave me. Something that has always niggled.

What do you think?

He didn't turn up today, or yesterday to see dd. He is blaming me for suggesting that he should be living further away. Of course. It would have to be MY fault.

I saw the doc today and have lined up further counselling to get to the point of divorce and getting my head around it.

My instinct is to suspect what you suspect about your sister. Not to say that's the case!
If she has a personality disorder of some type (they tend to run in families), then it's sort of understandable that she would have turned to drug (over)abuse and - possibly - other addictive behaviours. Knowing your mind is "different" from most people's is quite frightening and it's common to turn to drugs to try & hide it from yourself.

Thank you for pointing me to this thread. In response to your question on the other one, I'd say: Yes, you are surrounded by nutters.

Please take strength and advice from people like EcoMouse, who seem to have been through situations as nightmarish as yours and survived.
Wishing you well

saddest...it sounds like your H has narcissistic personality disorder, and so has your mum, and possibly your sister.
Your H and your sister sound like they are in a "folie a deux" together.

Everything they say will be wrong, insane and manipulative.
It is impossible for sane people to even understand how or why they say/do these things.
Do not try to rationalise their behaviour, neither of them are rational.

Once he realises you are no longer being sucked in he will go off and try to do the same thing to someone else, he cannot help himself.

Good luck with getting rid of him!
Don't miss him...he is shallow and the person you thought he was, was just a pretence. He pretended for a while, lost interest and now you see him as he always was, without the pretence.

my god saddest! You are one awesome woman! I utterly admire your strength and courage. Sincerely wishing you all the luck in the world.

Saddest...... I have been in a similar place to you and had feelings like you that I am the one that is somehow deranged and unstable.

Someone does a list, not of signs of abuse, but of what you have a right to expect from a loving relationship, and it has been that that reminds me that what I experienced was not a healthy loving relationship.

Think of a relationship that you admire, where the couple are loving and supportive of each other's choices and feelings, where the mental well being and stability is of utmost importance to both. Where you would tread on hot coals not to make the person feel the way your H is making you feel. Love is about security, cherishing, protecting, nurturing and feeling emotionally 'safe'. In that environment we flourish and grow.

Playing games with someone's mind, especially someone you purport to love is cruel, unkind and sinister on so many levels.

It is hard to detatch yourself...so so hard, but what is he doing? to heal things? Is he going to counselling? Has he Sat down and said 'I am a mess, I think I need help'? No, he seems to keep piling the responsibility on your shoulders, blaming you, handing you little packages of insecurity and guilt.

What do i think? I think you need space and distance from the people who are so toxic in your life, because I doubt that what you describe is how you treat your friends and close family.

I hope the weekend is kind to you.

When it starts to fade, it is like breathing fresh mountain air. It feels good.

DD was very very upset that he didn't come to play yesterday. He finally rang just before 8. She had asked me in the afternoon where he was. aia said I didn't know but that I thought that he should really ring her up and tell her his plans, and we would ask him to in future.

She repeated this to him, pretty much verbatim, so he put the phon down on her.

TheN ds shouted at ME for not letting her talk to him!!! He put the phone down on a 5 year old. !!!!

I have the most wonderful friends. Two of the mums at school are going through similar at the moment.

The nurse practitioner is awesome....she is so clued in to the whole thing of psychological abuse.

And you on here are brilliant.

I do not feel strong or courageous. I feel battered, frustrated, heartbroken. Above all heartbroken. He really was an amazing man at first.

He has lost every shred of morality and every belief I thought he ever held.

He used to call my first husband, who I left for him, a fraud. Seems once again he was projecting then too.

If you google gaslighting....NPD comes up in tandem.

Funny that the first I ever heard about personality disorders was when my mums GP told me that she had one. About ten years ago.

This is all the same language I had hurled at me during my first divorce, so I know the script, I have been drowning in this stuff for ever.

Maybe this time I have a chance to get out once and for all and have a normal life with fun and love and gentleness in it.

Sorry for rambling. Not a good night.

The NPD thing exlpains the sudden unfathomable over devotion to the "friend".

If I am no longer his "supply"....friend has taken over.

That's maybe why it feels like an affair, which it kind of is in a twisted weird kind of way.

The only people in H's life are people he is higher in the pecking order than... Mostly he gives them work, or they need him to do stuff for them. I cannot think of one even remotely equal relationship in his life. There is a smattering of faded celebrities. All of whom want him to make crap novelty songs which never do anything anyway. May have given us away there, but not sure I care.

His world is very small.

My friend googled him and was amazed at how limited he appeared, especially given the fairly high profile nature of his work.

Groundhogs.....Thank you!

Saddest - I have just read this thread from top to bottom and just wanted to say you sound an amazingly strong woman, my heart truly goes out to you.

You mentioned before that you are heartbroken but mourning the loss of a man who never really ever existed. Please don't waste a heartbreak on such a man, we have limited heartbreak capacity in our lives and he does not deserve to use up one of yours.

Keep on keeping on, write a note in you calander for 6 months time when you can look back and see how far you have come and how wonderfully your kids have grown with you as their inspiration.

I posted my immediate feelings having read both your threads.

What is happening to you almost defies belief.

I was worried my post might seem flippant, and utterly lightweight. I can't add anything to the advice you've had till now, and it's such an extreme set of circumstances.

I know you don't feel awesome, brave, courageous. I know that given the choice you'd wave a magic wand and gladly embrace a life where you didn't have to go through a fraction of this hell. I wanted you to know that I'm just so sorry that you are having to go through this.

One day it will come to an end, one day it will be ring-fenced into a more manageable life. One day it will all be behind you.

I think you are beginning to see how pitiful his life is and therefore you will gain strength and clarity in your own abilities, which will go some way to help you lead your family out of this situation.

Anything any of us can do to help, please don't think twice eh?

Well, I am typing this on the laptop. I had the password removed and reclaimed our laptop.

I have taken the house off the the market. It is overpriced and a more accurate valuation would bring me into the legal aid bracket.

He came to see dd this morning and took her for a walk in a nearby forest. We went there on new years day. It was beautiful, we held hands.

How can someone change so much so quickly?

he's gone now and I feel sick and desolate. I am overwhelmed with good memories, and struggling to remember the shit.....and I know that there is enough of it.

He is emotionless himself. I have joined the NPD thread.

Would writing it down help? Make a list with 2 columns, bad on the left and good on the right. Make sure you are very honest about both then see how it swings.

I have a memory of standing staring at the wardrobe days before I cancelled my wedding (4 days before) and left my soon to be husband. I promised myself when all the good memories came flooding back which they inevitably did, I would keep that emotion raw and real so I could quickly bat away the good stuff and keep myself sane and level.

I was right.

I have just found emails from this last weekend between him and my mother.

Talking about getting social services involved.

Distraught.

I have calmly read through the corespondence.

This is exactly what she did before.

My H was on the receiving end of her venom then, so where has his memory gone?

Why is HH now doing the same thing to me AGAIN?

My instincts were right. I suppose it's only a matter of time before my other instincts are proven right too....who knows?

The loving "granny" can't even spell dd's name correctly!

I have been reassured by the nurse practitioner. a myriad of friends and family this time. And reminded that even though they put US through court case after court case....They lost.

Ironically, they talk about how that now I am alone I will not fight for my kids.

I am much less alone than I ever was then.

Sorry, only just saw this trying to disappear off the bottom of the index.

How awful for you, but at least you know now what is going on and therefore what you have to fight. Hooray for friends, the right sort of family and sensible professionals.

Rootin' for you.