He has gone for the third, and last time.

[saddest]

It's been a while since I was here. So much has happened.

I have discovered that my first husband maintained contact with my mother and sisters, although not his son.

I have discovered that my sister was giving him legal advice and that they pressured him into continuing to fight for custody of my son. They failed, but it cost me £20 000 and one suicide attempt by me.

In hospital I was assessed as being perfectly sane, just pushed to the edge.

My mother and sisters have been back in my life, in the interim, and have been convincing my current husband that I am mad, have NPD, I am a bully, a terrible mum and that he should leave me, as the real me is evil and demonic.

My husband has lost 90% of his work in the last six months, and has been behaving in an increasingly bizarre way.

He has taken on the role of chief gaslighter.

It got so bad that I asked the gp to refer me to the community mental health team. I was assessed and told that there was nothing wrong with me.

I had a couple of sessions, and the therapist said that she needed to see him. He refused.

He won't even go to the gp.

This morning he left, for the third time in six months, still maintaining that everything is my fault, from the lack of work to his lack of friends.

He has been recording our conversations/arguments on his Iphone and hiding his phone in an outside loo, so I can't find it....not that I want to.

Last night, he did this, ate an onion for his tea and once again told me how these un named people have always told him that I was mad, that I would be suicidal if he left (!) and that I had am difficult to work with and everyone hates me.

Thankfully my friends think I'm lovely, and a bit of a mug for tolerating this for so long.

I have said that he cannot come back until he goes to the doctors and I need help to stay strong.

Thank you for persevering.

They are so far in the wrong that this will backfire on them.

Have you kept copies of the emails? They could potentially prove a malicious collusion, if need be.

I'm so sorry to hear they are trying to put you through this but they have obviously underestimated you!

Keep strong

Yes please print out the emails (or save to memory stick at least) and hide them somewhere.

Thank you.

I have printed them out, and also forwarded them to trusted friends, and members of my father's family.

The last time she did this with my first husband, I didn't want to put extended family in any awkward positions. Now....I need support from wherever I can get it.

Whay H doesn't understand is this. She is very charismatic and right now will be telling him how wonderful he is. He really needs that right now because he's lost the bulk of his work...therfore, his identity.

She gets what she wants by using the situation to get at me. I have had a lifetime of it, and a lifetime of various therapies to get through it.

She HAS to have an enemy, whether it's someone at work, in the family, a neighbour, doesn't matter. That "eneny" can change at any time, so she might be his saviour right now, but I KNOW that she will flp and he will become the enemy again, and God help him when that happens.

I always think of something I haven't said! Sorry.

He is usually a bright man a,d I can't believe where he must be in his head if he's falling for this.

In terms of my barrister sister....well. I did not kake them become cocaine users. I have never put the stuff in their house. I have nothing to do with anything like that.

The fact that they have cocaine in the house means that my children must NOT go there.

I have been told in no uncertain terms by the health professionals that if I did knowingly let my children stay in that house, then social services really would be interested in my parenting skills. Sod my sister's career...I MUST care for my children FIRST AND FOREMOST.

This must apply to H too. They can get social services involved whenever they like. She did it last time, and she failed to gain anything but inconvenience both to us and the social worker.

Why he feels the need to be so vociferous in his defence of her and her partner, I do not know.....but I have my suspicions, which I have mentioned before.

So the news today is that my barrister sister's career has been adversely affected by a shoplfting conviction, from when she was 18 or so.

We knew that this would be a problem. It was a subject muc

But guess what.........?

IT'S MY FAULT!

I have just noticed that a chalk board picture of myself and the kids that we did yesterday has been "modified".

My face has been obliterated by heavy scribbling. Kids have been at school. He has been in and taken THE laptop

I am a bit scared.

Time to change the locks saddest. He can't keep walking into your space and doing as he wishes. It might be worth speaking with your solicitor to find out whether you now have reasonable grounds to do so. (I'd change them regardless!)

It might be an idea to seek further advice from Women's Aid too. This kind of behaviour really is their forté. You're entitled to your privacy and to feel comfortable and safe in your own home.

He's trying to scare you, to put you on the backfoot and cause you anxiety. Fight it! Fight all negative thoughts and reassure yourself in any and every way you can.

It could also be worth speaking with the domestic violence unit at your local police station to at least log his escalating behaviour.

*forté!

DD spoke to him on the phone last night. She asked him what the noise was...he said it was the telly.

She said, "but you told me that you had only a tiny room with one bed and no telly because mummy wouldn't let you come home. You lied to me."

She was incredibly upset. She is still talking about it this morning.

He has turned off the plug switches for the bedroom lamp as I discovered at 3am.

A couple of months ago, a crucial piece of equipment that I use for work had been turned of at the individual switch on the plugboard. It is incredibly hard to reach....you would have to pull stuff out to get to it. There is no way it could have been done by accident.
Oh dear.

It's awful witnessing DC's coping with realisations that their dad's aren't quite the heroes they would be, in an ideal world.

I really struggled with the urge to protect mine from their dad's unreliability, malice and manipulation while feeling it was also right to allow them reality and so autonomy.

How are your DD and DS now?

You appear to have a sneaky house imp (highly unlikely, talking of reality ) or a man who is truly overstepping boundaries. Are you going to address the issues of his intrusion? It's unlikely he'll stop of his own accord, unfortunately.

Yes, the intrusions have scared me. I am taking further advice soon. I feel uneasy leaving the house. Bad.

I have read the thread by notabused. It does get worse....it starts off so subtly.

My ds is visibly blooming since h has been gone. (one month tomorrow). He is out performing his expectations at school. He is happy, chatty, brilliant fun to be with. He is getting involved with stuff at school, has been asked to join bands etc.

He is so relieved to not be yelled at all the time. Accused of things he has not done.

I am ashamed to admit that it had begun to get physical between h and ds. I was scared to let h tell him off without me being in the room as shoving and pushing would occur.

I have had blazing rows with h about this and have said, loudly, that physical contact is completely an utterly unacceptable.

ds was starting to behave like someone with depression.

I am so sorry and ashamed that I did not do this sooner. My poor baby boy. I am so very sorry.

Saddest, you were a victim too, please don't beat yourself up.

That was then, this is now. You have acted, look forward, not back.

You have my admiration, so many women and children remain locked inside such a situation indefinitely.

It's so good to hear your DS is thriving

I have been reading and thinking.

The fake him that I fell in love with was of course me....his attempt at reflecting me. That makes me feel good.

When I think back, that time must have been hideous for him.

He has the most bizarre relationship with food I have ever come across, only eating curry, or nothing at all. Starving himself, them bingeing secretly in the night. Ripping into food, like an animal. Someone suggested the munchies.

When we first got together I assumed he was normal...he sat and ate haggis once. He hates it. That must have been agony, but he played the part expertly. He has ballooned to massive obesity, then shrunk to the point where people say he looks ill and gaunt. Over and over again

Having read and read, it seems clear that he must have been quite badly abused as a child. Maybe this explains why I was never allowed to go to the family home....I might have seen the way they treat him in their territory. Wouldn't want that now would he. Less than perfect, so must be hidden away.

Poor sod.

I do feel sympathy, but if he won't/can't seeit and the damage it could pass on to the children, then he cannot be in my life.

Janet Evans...good stuff written by her.

I had a very disturbing conversation with ds this morning.

Talking about how h had started pushing and shoving him about when he has telling him off.

Ds said that it was ok because it didn't hurt.

What do I DO about that? I

Keylogging software on my pc.

Vista has blocked it so I am now using ds's laptop.

Does anyone know how to get rid of it?

oh no! Post in geekystuff, there will definitely be someone on there who knows.
Poor you. Are you OK?

Thank you Minky.

I spent yesterday and the day before asking friends....the ones I wasn't allowed to connect with on facebook etc, what to do. Eventually, I got microsoft to clean it up for me.

Problems with kids....anger and sadness, but the npd thread is helping so much.

Got more legal advice today too. And waiting for the next batch of counselling.

There are moments where it's not total grief anymore. I know that those moments will become hours, and eventually days.

The time I spent being obsessed with making it right for him....should be about making it right for me. It sounds better....and easier than it is.

He wants to move some of his perc stuff back...his flat isn't big enough. Now I have read enough by now to know that he is going to try and weedle his way home. Funny...dd (5) picked up straight away...."does that mean you are coming home?" This is the beginning of the "good behaviour " bit. God, he is so text book, it's pathetic.

Back to my original post, he only comes back after extensive and thorough therapy, and a go for both of us on a freedom programme.

Or not at all.

Must stay strong.

Have you had the locks to your house changed? If not get them changed asap If he says anything tell him that you couldn't find your keys and didnt know if you had lost them or they had been stolen so you had to get the locks changed.
I would also search the house very very thoroughly incase he has bugged you. Sorry if this sounds OTT but if he has put a keylogger program on your laptop, he sounds capable of bugging or using a secret camera to spy on you.

I cannot change the locks without a court order.

I have a feeling that I may be "being watched". just a feeling, althought my other "feelings" have been bang on correct.

Do you know what? Fine. There will be nothing of any interest. All he will see, or hear or whatever is just a normal loving mum doing what normal loving mums do.

I have resolved the problems with ds, although I am aware that he is still terrified of upsetting h. When he rang to speak to dd yesterday and she didn't say hello immediately, ds got very distressed and shouted at here to "speak". He's frightened of h. So he can bug away, I don't care, and there will be no "evidence" to damn me will there, Could he say the same?

I think it's just giving enough rope.

So many things are occuring to me. The utter pack of lies that I was fed in the begining. I remember hi saying how much he hated when blokes referred to their partners as "the wife", rather than by their name. FUNNY! I didn't get referred to as anything after we moved here....just ignored.

I have Patricia Evans' book arrivibg this morning, about just that, how they cease to be able to hear you, or see you. I ceased to exist.

Type a lot for a nonentity don't I ?

The funny thing is, that he is doing so much projecting, it's like being able to read someones mind.

I know what he is thinking and feeling, and what he will do because those are the things he says I am thinking and feeling and doing.

He does not get, that I am a separate person from him. Whilst living with that is hideous, the situation I'm in now means it's really rather useful.

Saddest, I have never gone through what you are going through but have been watching this thread and just wanted to extend an un-mumsnetty hug your way!

Maybe you could discuss your feeling of 'being watched' with whoever is giving you legal advice and see if they can organise a snoop around or something just to check?

My little girl battered me this evening...she bit me, threw a lamp across the dining room, smashing it. She hit and kicked me. The last time she went out with him, when she came home, she threw a chair, the ironing board and a kitchen stool, as well as hitting, kicking and biting.

He has bought her a new princess bed for her to have in his "new flat by the seaside". He made sure that it was loaded in his car when he came here today...just to twist the knife.

I have no doubt she is as angry and confused as ds and I. I remember the astonishing efforts he went to when we first got together to make ds's bedroom beautiful. Now, ds does not exist...(same as I no longer exist, except as some kind of demon). I remember being SO impressed...now, it just is sinister.

I am so bewildered, I am trying so hard, but I am lost.

And because of what he is...he will never have the slightest idea of the damage he has done to all of us. Just as my mother truly believes that I am evil.

And there is nothing I can do to stop them.

Hi Saddest, I've been following the Narcissism thread and have just looked over this thread - so I have a fair idea of your back story.

I really feel for you and your DCs and I understand a little of what you're feeling; I have a beautiful DD with a textbook N.

Do you think your dd needs a break from her dad? I don't know how realistic this is but obviously her visits are causing her AND you extreme stress. What would happen if you put a stop to the visits, at least for now?

Saddest, your flat humour; your awareness of what he does and how it can inform you; your patient concern for your kids - do you know what that is? It's courage. You are one amazing woman, you know! I'm glad you're posting this here. It'll be a record - not only in case you need it, but for your future. One day you'll read it and marvel at yourself.

All the best. x

Thank you Grace. You are very lovely.

I feel anything but amazing. But I am still here.

xxx

A bit of an update.

I have the police coming to see me today on the advice of womens aid.

I was invited to spend Easter with relatives on my fathers side. I was deliberately vague about my plans and told h and the dc's that we would be "Spending time" with them....not necassarily going any where.

He knew exactly when we left, when we got back and where we had been.

My "mother" and sister promptly went down to see my Aunty the day after. That hasn't gone down with them very well as she is elderly.

He has been parking round the corner and waiting for me to go on the school run...then going into the house. That's when he destroyed the chalk drawing, and took the laptop.

I really feel as though I can't go anywhere.

He is now accusing me of stopping him from seeing dd, and lying to her. He said that I hadn't given them the easter eggs he got for them.....which is ridiculous because he gave them to the dc's himself on Thursday!!!

Yesterday, after ignoring his ever more emotional emails for two days, he left a message on the answerphone and sounded awful...I should have known it was play acting, but I rang to check he was ok and to give a time for him to see dd today.

So he's fine and back in abuse mode....I am a liar, an alcoholic, a bully etc etc etc.

I thought he may have reached a point of thinking about taking some responsibilty....silly me.