Can you tell if your DH is having, or about to have an affair?

[loves2walk]

I'm worried that my DH may be about to embark on an affair. 6 months ago he confessed to me that he was attracted to a woman he works with. I had been concerned about this woman as they share a love of football, support the same team and sometimes travel to away matches together. I have tried to be cool and supportive about them going to matches but it has made me feel jealous and threatened. I would never have wanted to forbid them going together as I felt he deserved trust and me to be grown-up about their friendship.

But 6 months ago, he went out for drinks after work, it ended up just the 2 of them and they admitted to each other that they were attracted to one another. He then came home and confessed to me, in a very drunken state, that they'd had this conversation but had agreed not to act on it. The day after this confession we went on holiday for 2 weeks and I watched him like a hawk - there was no text or email contact with her and he reassured me it was nothing, and nothing would come of it. So we moved on (though I was hurt and suspicious). But he is now changing. I feel he is much less affectionate with me, he is extremely critical of me and almost nags me about all the things I haven't done in the house. He has started going to the gym 3 times a week, taking more care over his appearance and trying to loose weight and just seems distant with me. I am away next week with the kids, he is alone in the house and I can almost sense that something is going to happen with her. I can't talk to him about my suspicions as he would be defensive, he called me 'pathetic' last time I mentioned I was worried about them. Does this sound like an affair waiting to happen?

Good luck with it all LovestoWalk.

His actions in discouraging OW from applying for another job are appropriate for a good manager who wants the best for his staff - but not understandable for a man who is worried that the member of staff might be in love with him. If he was really worried about that, I imagine he would be actively seeking "development" opportunities that would create a necessary gap.

I don't think you're a doormat - I think you've coped with everything magnificently.

However, I do think you sound a bit frightened and almost in awe of your H - scared to say certain things, in case you will appear to be the nagging wife - or he will tell you that you're pathetic again. I bristled a bit when I read that bit about "and no, that's not a personal comment..." - but I guess it depends on the tone he used and the look on his face. I wonder though whether it was enough to stop you talking?

When it comes down to it Loves2Walk, he has behaved really badly. He continued a friendship with someone with whom there was a mutual, admitted attraction. He then behaved really horribly to you and the DCs and put you through hell.

I understand why the calm now seems like an oasis after the last 8 months, but I would doubt the real problem is resolved. I hope with time you will get that resolution.

Why don't you just have someone follow him? He will never know and it will put your mind at rest?

In my experience it's best to say nothing and do alot!

good idea - that way you will know one way or the other. If you really want to that is?

Not being harsh there - with hindsight i wish i had done that - it would have saved a lot of madness on my part.

At the moment you are looking to him to reassure you - yet if he is having an affair he will never tell you and just get better at covering his tracks and making you feel safe at home.

Thanks for advice re: private investigators. I just looked on the internet and might phone a company tomorrow to find out how much they charge. Not sure how else to get firm evidence but if I can afford it this seems like it could offer a way.

WWIFN - He has treated me really badly and I don't want to forget that but at the same time it would be wrong to bang on about that type of behaviour when he apologised very sincerely and has changed the way he is being at home - maybe only changed temporarily but I can't judge that now. If there was no affair ever, I would be in danger of ruining things myself by not believing him and that is what I keep thinking - that I could be the one to actually ruin a perfectly good marriage,

I am so reluctant to raise questions and discuss this issue, you're right. Partly because I'm so sure he will deny all the way and without any evidence I have nothing to say except my suspicions. But yes, he silences me by those sort of rolling eyes in head,'no not personal' comments. He must know he is doing it. As I've said before he can run rings round me verbally and that coupled with the fact that I am confrontation-avoidant means I hate raising this topic.

But I will find out, of that I have no doubt. I am being patient so he relaxes his guard, I am being vigilant and I will discover something along the way. It is odd living this way, but not unpleasant odd, as things are calm at home. His blackberry receipts are all kept at work and I just can't think of a way to get them and he rarely leaves the home computer when he is logged on - there is a slim possibility he might one time and I will grab it if I get the chance.

Also, I am waiting for a time when I can ask to borrow his phone, say in the car when he's driving, when I can say I've forgotten mine, but need to phone someone so he will have to say his password outloud. Then I have it for one night when he's asleep. I tried doing this in the kitchen but he unlocked it for me and then waited for me to finish.

I will get to the bottom of this somehow. If anyone else has experience of using a private detective, I'd really appreciate hearing it. Feels like madness to be thinking of it.

i know the feeling very well of living an 'odd' but calm life. My h even let us go and look for houses (we did end up moving anyway but why put us in that position still amazes me).
Think of everyway you can to find out the truth - asking him will not give you the answers you want i am afraid.

It is odd that he is not willing to prove totally to you - and still wants you to trust him - i would say trust your own instincts far more.

It is odd that your husband would look at houses and buy one while having an affair but I suppose he was having to keep things normal and ticking along - I have been thinking to myself 'sure he can't be having an affair, we've just bought a house together'!

I worry that he is being extra nice right now as there is so much football coming up in the next few weeks and he has this big motivation for keeping me happy, so he can still go and be with her. But then lots of other work people go in a big group. But it would certainly give me opportunity to have him followed as I would know which train he was getting etc.

If you are right and any affair is over, I can't see what a PI could find. I'm assuming you still want to know though if he had an affair, as well as whether it's still going on.

Using the phone in the car won't work. As I said downthread, you need to take it from him, phone someone random - and then leave the area. Once out of sight and earshot, cut short the call and search the phone. Return, claiming that your conversation went on for longer than you'd predicted. Presumably he doesn't expect to stand beside you when you make phone calls, so I've no idea why you have to be in the same space as him. The cafe with the DCs is the best place - he has to stay with them - and you can say you don't want them to overhear the conversation (a call to the Doctors about contraception/a smear would be a good ruse - or a call to a friend going through a confidential crisis). Head for another cafe with a loo and lock yourself in the ladies where he cannot find you.

Don't you know his passwords for anything? Many people use the same passwords for all sorts of things. Have you tried OW's DOB?

Have you asked your friend about accessing the Blackberry invoices, as she is on site?

My friend works in a different office and just wouldn't have that access.

The passwords are difficult as I have tried several times but it then records these tries so will alert him to fact that I am being suspicious so drive him underground.

I do know her birthday, coming up, but not the year. I can see your idea about taking the phone, while in cafe. Yes, you'd suggested that earlier and I'd forgotten but that could work. I need a few lessons on a blackberry as I found it hard to work last time.

The thing is, if there ever was an affair, how could it be over and still be friends? That just wouldn't happen surely. So either there was nothing except flirtation which got out of hand so stepping back after discloure of mutual attraction - or there is an affair which is now being carefully managed so as not to disrupt homelife while DC are small - that's what I think. So a PI would let me know. It could still be going on - I know I've probably said earlier in the thread that I believe him that there is nothing happening so it sounds like now I'm going mad, but I sometimes believe him and feel defensive towards him and sometimes I don't believe him and want to throw him out and get a life aaaahhh!

Like tonight, he's just phoned on way home, all chatty, pleasant, 'shall we have some wine tonight to go with the fish' all jolly like. Madness, feels like madness this whole thing because now I'm all cheery thinking oh great we could be in for a good evening.

Oh I see. Yes, I do understand how you swing from defending him to doubting him...

Do you have a Sky box that has a 4 digit password? Have you tried that on the Blackberry? You could google how to erase password attempts on a Blackberry to cover your tracks! I also understand there is a bit of software that is able to guess at passwords, based on some information you input. Never used it though.

Have you tried asking him what his password is - or do you think that he will guess what you're up to? Would he write this sort of thing down in the back of a diary?

Its impossible to think of anyones password when you are under stress!! I dont know Blackberrys but normal phones use four numbers, I think the default is usually 0000 but, believe me, you could be locked in the loo for 20 minutes and would never work out those 4 numbers!!! My friend said her dp has an actual Padlock on his phone, how on earth does that work? I didnt know there was such a thing. OP, I think you are right to suspect something is still going on, often the nicer they are the more they are up to wrongdoing. My bf was actively trying for a baby when her husband ran off, it was his idea. Another one encouraged my friend to move and buy a practical mansion and cleared off 8 weeks after theyd moved in!! so, they do carry on as normal, if not even nicer!!

I'm sorry but it is perfectly possible to have an affair and still be friends with someone - especially at work. I'm speaking from personal experience...

Sorry, I meanmt to have an affair, end it and still be friends.

No Kittya - the OP would be locked in the loo with the phone that he's unblocked to let her use it

Ane yes, like Belle says - I've also seen people go back to being friends at work after an affair has ended. They have to do this out of necessity and sometimes to stop other people finding out. However 9 times out of 10, one of the parties didn't want the affair to end - and this party normally gave the secret away by their strange behaviour.

Have you thought about going to football with him, as boring as it may be. Intervene in situations where there could possibly be a liasion? Obv work is no good though.

In reverse order! I could go to football and DH has suggested it a few times but after a back injury a few years ago I can't stand for long. Is strange as I have no other problems and am training for a marathon right now, but I just can't stand and they always go standing and stand at station for ages too.

OK I can see how it is possible to have an affair, end it and continue being friends but maybe less likely than it ending and starting up again when there is opportunity and alcohol, so sort of in my mind still going on then, but of course way harder to detect.

Googling a way to erase passwords attempts is a great idea, I'll try that when I get peace at the computer again. I can see him doing it often enough so think it is about 6 digits all across top but then there is a low down one at end. I do need time to fiddle without stress of having to go back to him.Frustratingly he did tell me his password ages ago I can see it hasn't changed but that was way before all this so I didn't remember.

Must go and share chocolate - am sure sub consciously I am trying to sabotage any chances of him being found attractive by OW - keep buying chocolate and giving him loads, while only nibbling myself! That and making sure his tatty old boxers are the washed ones, leaving all newer versions in washing basket ubtouched. Like I said, mad situation this

On a more sinister note, there is stuff you can buy from Maplin and other sites etc.. that will allow you to listen in on conversations that might be happening during car journey's if she is with him. Or even plant said device in the office.

Hi, just to say that my ex used a PI to spy on me during our divorce, in order to try to reduce maintenance by showing that I had a new partner. I didn't, he did. It was obvious to me that he was using a PI. Once an unexpected "bailiff" called at the door late at night (presumably to see if I was alone). The second time a couple rang my doorbell "by mistake" looking for a neighbour. And there was an equally unconvincing third caller. I realised what was happening and concluded that my ex had "lost it". I lost any respect for him as his behaviour in using a PI seemed like paranoia. Your husband could find out and decide you have mental health problems. Don't risk it. If the affair is over, what will a PI discover without asking questions of people who will report back to your H or to OW. I do realise that you need to know, but a PI is probably not the way. Maintain the moral high ground. Good Luck and please keep posting. Fingers crossed for you.

Thanks Baggy that's a useful thought. That would be terrible and I can she how a PI could be used against me. The websites all make it look a very sensible and reasonable thing to do but maybe I'd better not. I think seeing texts and/or emails that go between them is the best way so blackberry is my hope.

I have thought long and hard about posting this and really hope it helps.

I have a male colleague who I go to football with. We also get drunk together occasionally. He is a very dear friend and has been a huge support to me in a stressful work life, as I hope I have been to him. We have drunkenly acknowledged that if we were both single we would almost certainly find out what else we could be to each other.

This admission, frighted the life out of me. I have since withdrawn a bit emotionally from my friend and have been doing a lot of the things your DH has been doing, suggesting wine with dinner, making extra effort to have fun as a family. It is my way of making sure nothing can damage my home life, It does not mean I had an affair. Just that I recognise that our home life needs nurturing if it's to stay strong.

I really hope this is what your DH is doing.

My friend is not your DH, there are lots of differences in your situation. eg they have been married 20 yrs,have lived in the same house 10+ yrs, I don't smoke...

I am devastated to think that if his DW (who he loves very much) were to post our story on here you would all take it as absolute evidence he has been unfaithful

I really think the phone and the E mails are the best source of evidence.

Madfan, I imagine if you met your friend's wife, you would behave rather differently to the OW in this case - and I assume you're not secretive with your phone and displaying the behaviour that this OP has been subjected to. The difference here too is that the OW doesn't have a H and family to lose as well. I admire you though for stepping back from a tricky situation and seeing it as dangerous.

My friend found out by logging on to his work email account as there was nothing in his private emails. His password was my friends name.

To learn to use a blackberry - go to the shops and ask the assistant to run through how it works. Ask specific things if you need to. If you can - get one yourself - or would that be too obvious?
There are sim card readers - but i am not sure if they really work.

REally feel for you as i remember the awful time of doubt. I had it in my head for about 2 months - i knew who it was too. The little bits of evidence took a long time and in fact it was my own susspicions that were always correct.

Thanks madfan, I found that really helpful. When I'm trying to work this out in my head I sometimes think that what has gone on, might just be the type of thing that you describe. And now we are into a pulling back phase because DH recognised the dangers and how close they were to crossing a line. His bad behaviour may not be related to an affair as he has 'history' (without ever a feeling of an affair lurking) as he is just a cross sort of stroppy person who gets so bothered about work that is spills over into home life. This has always been the case and part of the reason I fell in love with him was because he is so committed, passionate and conscientious about his work. He would work all the hours of the week if he could and I often have to make him stop and engage in relaxing activities which he then does fine. So I have fully encouraged his passion for this football team, telling him he must have something for him which is not work and not family.
But while I was out running this morning I wondered if now I am the one preventing us from getting over this, whatever it was. I say we're happy and close but we're not really - more of me deluding myself. I can't get really 'into' DH sexually right now. I can just feel I'm holding back - maybe I want to punish him, maybe even I've thought I just don't care about him and am going through a detachment phase which will end in me leaving him. I read other posts here about people who have left their DH or been left and are often very sad, but yet I feel a sort of envy. I was trying this morning to list all the reasons why I could justify ending our marriage and they weren't substantial enough, and I felt disappointed. I'm not sure if that's what I really feel or if I'm just testing it out. I do feel vulnerable though.

I am also worried this morning that someone might read this and recognise me - not particularly OW though that would be awful, but a school mum that I would never mention personal stuff to. So I feel a bit wierd about that.

But I think it is a good idea to get a lesson in blackberry use from a sales assistant. Think I might do that this week as need to be up to speed whenever I get a chance to get onto the phone.
Thanks

WRT the detachment you feel during intimacy, this doesn't surprise me at all, but it might not all be coming from your side. Sometimes we react to something in our partner, but it feels like it is us detaching. Perhaps have a think about that too?

Many posts ago, downthread, I commented that this was likely to happen. All the while there are things unspoken and there are secrets, it shows up most vividly in the intimacy a couple share.

Which is why I was saying that if this immediate crisis "goes away" it will not resolve the problem and your marriage cannot reach its potential. Secrets damage intimacy - and often people don't realise how much until they resume a sexual relationship where there is now honesty and trust - the difference is astonishing.

I glad madfan.

FWIW WhenwillI.. I'm not deliberately secretive with my phone , but it is password protected after my toddler phoned the police, text alerts are silent after another friend text me at 8.30 on a Saturday morning, when DCs were staying at my Mum's and my work Blackberry has a password, which as far as I know is unavoidable (flippin nuisance!). My friend also locks his phone, to prevent his teenage son using it when his own credit has run out. So, whilst I agree there are lots of reasons to wonder, I don't see it as conclusive.

If I met his DW and was aware she thought we were having an affair, I would do my best to be friendly, but I would find the situation difficult and my social skills are not always brilliant..

Also, I can be a stroppy cow when under pressure at work - actually am beginning to wonder if the OP could be my DH