Can you tell if your DH is having, or about to have an affair?

[loves2walk]

I'm worried that my DH may be about to embark on an affair. 6 months ago he confessed to me that he was attracted to a woman he works with. I had been concerned about this woman as they share a love of football, support the same team and sometimes travel to away matches together. I have tried to be cool and supportive about them going to matches but it has made me feel jealous and threatened. I would never have wanted to forbid them going together as I felt he deserved trust and me to be grown-up about their friendship.

But 6 months ago, he went out for drinks after work, it ended up just the 2 of them and they admitted to each other that they were attracted to one another. He then came home and confessed to me, in a very drunken state, that they'd had this conversation but had agreed not to act on it. The day after this confession we went on holiday for 2 weeks and I watched him like a hawk - there was no text or email contact with her and he reassured me it was nothing, and nothing would come of it. So we moved on (though I was hurt and suspicious). But he is now changing. I feel he is much less affectionate with me, he is extremely critical of me and almost nags me about all the things I haven't done in the house. He has started going to the gym 3 times a week, taking more care over his appearance and trying to loose weight and just seems distant with me. I am away next week with the kids, he is alone in the house and I can almost sense that something is going to happen with her. I can't talk to him about my suspicions as he would be defensive, he called me 'pathetic' last time I mentioned I was worried about them. Does this sound like an affair waiting to happen?

Oh god i can't believe all this commment, and of course the incredible support, but it is all heading in 1 direction. I am not wanting to delude myself or prolong this torture, but i was just doing the school run thinking, maybe it really is not this issue at all. He was really sad and upset sounding on the phone and maybe he is just going through some mid life 50yr old thing and that this 30-something-yr old single as now divorced colleague has brought to the fore for him - a sort of questionning of his life. But i also thought and chuckled, why would she want him 20yrs older than her and high BMI rating when she is tiny and petite!
But then he wanted a vasectomy after our 2nd child and I stopped it. Until this year when I suddenley wanted him to have 1 and he's refusing. That is odd I must admit. I am just going over negatives and positives in my mind and it is by no means as clear as my previous posts may have made it sound. Like he wants us to go away for a weekend in march - he keeps asking me if I have arranged the child cover - why would he be thinking of that? I am so f*ing confused right now.
I will be kind and loving tonight as he has apologised so that is my way anyway. And I'll try and help him to identify what is up, but i will also try and seek out evidence because it could well be there. But I just wish none of this was happening.

Wait for him to fall asleep and take the phone

I understand where you're at - really I do. You want to believe the best of him. The "what would she see in him?" question is also part of our script. You would be amazed - several of us on here asked the same question - but sure enough, someone did turn out to be very interested indeed.

I've been so concerned about this that I chatted to my DH, who was after all, in the role of your H 2 years ago. His response? "If she wants to confront him tonight - advise her to ask for his unlocked Blackberry there and then - get her to spend a fair bit of time searching the log, hidden folders, E mails and the photo gallery. It's vital that there is no time delay between asking for it and him handing it over."

We also had a romantic weekend away, a week after he and OW had arranged a date to meet for sex, but at that point the assignation was 6 weeks away. At this stage, the texting was explicit and exciting. I would never have guessed a thing - he was loving and romantic to me at that stage, because he still hadn't had sex with her and was convincing himself that he could stop short of that if necessary. He recalls now that he truly enjoyed that weekend with me and wouldn't have postponed it for the world.

I would never snoop around my partner's private phone calls or emails. I would make a decision about staying in a relationship or not based on what my own feelings were towards the situation and what worked for me. If I was generally content with the domestic situation, I would remain in it until and unless things started not working FOR ME.

Even if I suspected my partner had feelings for someone else, acted upon or not, that would not be the main factor, IF I was still enjoying his company and the home situation. I wouldn't necessarily expect him to NEVER develop feelings for someone else - I think that is unrealistic. He might even act on them - that would be up to him. It would then be up to me to decide whether that was acceptable to me or not. I would not want to disrupt family life on the basis of what might be some stupid little infatuation or ego massage. Personally, I think some of the posters here are totally over-reacting in their responses - what do YOU want with YOUR life.

There are so many instances of partners going ballistic over what was essentially a stupid little infatuation, busting up a family over wounded pride, only to face exactly the same situation in the next relationship. These situations are very common - just look at the threads here for evidence of that!! There is no right way to deal with them except to decide what you want out of your life.

You may feel they are over-reacting potty but many people here have been where the op is now and are giving some very good advice.

Sometimes, unless you have actually been in the same situation, you may never know what you would do. I am surprised by how I have dealt with the same situation.

In order to decide whether a partner acting on an infatuation was acceptable to you or not, it follows that you'd need to know, Potty, doesn't it?

And I'd imagine from what she's said, this OP would mind very much. As for how she wants her life to be, it seems pretty clear that she does not want to be shouted at in the mornings and have her DS pinned up against a wall by his father. Unsurprisingly, I think that's how most, if not all of us would feel.

Of course it's realistic for people to develop feelings for others - I don't think the OP or other posters think otherwise. But if you're saying you would turn a blind eye and put up with you and your children being treated like this, don't be surprised if the OP doesn't share your views, Potty.

I would never snoop around my partner's private phone calls or emails

There speaks a woman who has never suspected her DH of cheating

Is all so frightening, can't switch off from it. I have no qualms about snooping in his blackberry - if i found him doing the same with mine i would laugh and think it sweet he was concerned as i have nothing to hide. A cross reaction would certainly say loads to me. But I think he'll hide things if he thinks I'm suspicious, so I have to get evidence for my own sanity. He will twist things otherwise and make it out to be me that is at fault. I can feel that happening.

But I just feel I need to let this thing run iit's course - I actually don't want to prevent it and then find he is frustrated by me not being her and so this is all dragged out over years. If he sleeps with her, we then split up and that is it done, I fall to pieces for a while, go into trauma about the boys not having him around but basically can recover my sanity, self esteem and a single life which surely would be better than putting up with someone only half loving you?

It is driving me potty right now. I keep thinking what exactly makes you think whenwillifeelnormal, that is is mid affair? I am sure nothing has happened yet, but can't put my finger on why.

i am going to try and get blackberry tonight but not easy, he is attached at hip. I cannot confront yet, I am not prepared psychologically for it and need to be stronger first. Doing my head in now, need to go stir a risotto!

My DH was the last person on earth I would suspect of cheating until I found that second mobile (without snooping) and even then he had a plausible explanation for it and the messages on it . And he was behaving like the OP's DH, utterly vile but was under "severe stress at work" and I knew that this was true.

BTW Loves2walk, my DH was very overweight but he found someone or she found him - it would appear she wanted the life she thought I had .

Anyway, as you can tell me and my DH have worked through our issues (4 months worth of Relate) and although the marriage is still a work in progress, it is worth it.

Good luck and stand your ground, when I confronted my DH I back down too easily through fear and panic and wanting to believe what he said and I had a second mobile as proof FFS !!!!!

I can see potty's point to an extent. However, forgiving a one off drunken snog at a work party is one thing, turning a blind eye to an ongoing emotional and physical affair is quite another. I think it's a very rare man who can totally compartmentalise his life - and carry on a genuinely happy home life and affair without someone getting hurt.

Imo nobody busts up a family lightly, the kind of behaviour we're talking about is so hard to live with - being made to feel you're in the wrong all the time, being snapped at for no reason, being treated with little kindness or respect. Over time it totally wrecks your confidence and self esteem. Nobody should have to put up with that surely?

As soon as i read about the gym 3 times a week, it is a classic sign. So many of my friends whose partners have had affairs, joined a gym first. sometimes they went and mostly they didnt, even used to put the clean gym stuff into the wash basket as a cover.

We almost laugh when someone says their dh has joined the gym, cos you just know what is coming next.

Hopefully not in your case, but to me it speaks volumnes.

And I even have several posts on here from way back where I'm questioning H's odd behaviour, but say "there's no way he could be having an affair!" Physically he'd let himself go, and I was convinced he worked so hard he couldn't have had time...

Send a text to his Blackberry this evening and watch his reaction. If he just gets it straight out and looks at it - that's good. If he skulks off to another room - bad...

good idea fortyplus! And if he starts to skulk off then skulk alongside him with the biggest heaviest frying pan.

Why do I think he might be mid-affair? Because he's treating you and the children really badly, provoking arguments and becoming disproportionately angry and stressed. This is a more proactive stance than pre-affair, when the behaviour then is more reactive and defensive i.e. you complain about something and he reacts defensively instead of apologising, perhaps counter-attacking that you are nagging. Behaviour when it is a full-on affair would be more akin to this morning's episode, creating a horrible argument out of nothing at all. This is guilt-ridden behaviour, whereas pre-affair it was "find me a justification" behaviour - and no real guilt.

Really have a think about what you're saying - that you want it to run its course. If he really hasn't done anything yet - and your instincts on this are better than anyone's - stopping this now does not mean it will drag on for years, or that he will be regarding it as an itch not scratched. Far from it, he will look back and feel eternally relieved that his wife had the good sense to stop him from doing something disastrous. If you can get him to admit that he nearly crossed the line - and you're able to prove that's all he did - it doesn't stop there you know.

He's done this before - he is someone who, rather than resolve relationship difficulties in an adult way, is unfaithful. If he never dealt with that character flaw after his first marriage ended, it has remained firmly implanted.

He might have told you that he was unfaithful because his relationship (or his wife) was crap - and like a lot of people, both you and he believed that, thinking that it would be different this time.

But unless an infidel digs deep and examines why, regardless of their relationship difficulties, or the awfulness of their partner, they chose deceit over walking away or better still, dealing with their unhappiness, the problem remains - and it is no surprise at all when they enact the same behaviour in subsequent relationships.

So this time - he needs to deal with it. If he does, this won't be haunting you for years at all. He might just emerge at the ripe old age of 50 something, much wiser, more self-aware and a committed monogamist.

I meant to ask earlier, when did he last mention your weekend away in March?

Frying pan idea made me laugh. i have just arranged to meet my friend who works with him tomorrow. If she knows nothing, it will mean nothing, but she may know something and I'm sure she'll say if I ask her directly.

if he has an affair there is no going back in my mind right now. After a seperation things may be different if I felt he was truly sorry. I even told him casually some time ago that I would never end a realtionshoip with children just because of an affair - that these things should be worked through - but i was only saying it so he'd be more likely to admit it. My friend suggested I mention that I'd like to go to Relate with him - she said if he is about to have or having an affair that will freak him out as he won't want to spend time working on 'us' when he wants to be with her

Risotto burning now so better go again! This stuff is all so exhaustinh tough isn't it? Am so tired today with it allx

The weekend in March was planned to follow a big work thing for him which I know is real and approaching in 3 weeks, so some of the work stress is genuine. I suppose the March weekend was last raised couple of weeks ago when I said it was tricky getting child cover as my parents are our only help and they may not be able to travel. He seemed disappointed that it may not happen but your comment on this was eye opening, whenwillifeelnormal.

It is all unravelling - I think that you may be right about the 'mid-affair' whenwillifeelnormal as he has come home tonight looking terrible, saying he is feeling terrible, that he doesn't want to be around, with people near him, all is collapsing in his head. He went to lie down as he said he couldn't cope with noise of bathtime, I tried giving him a cuddle and he sort of shrugged me off. I walked in on him once with head in hands thought he was crying, another time looking at blackberry. He is in a traumatised state so maybe it has happened already and he is facing, in his head, the collapse of a 2nd marriage this time with children whom he does love dearly. Maybe he has realised he can't have both wife and OW and he's in deep turmoil with what he's done. Does that sound plausible?

He has actually gone out now to PTA meeting but he looks shit and is clearly upset, maybe even hates himself. I have to take his issues seriously as 7 years ago he was depressed and later told me he felt suicidal at 1 point. He doesn't seem that bad now but he is battling with some demon. I told him I was worried about him as he has seemed distant from me recently but that I'd decided not to raise it with him until his big work event was over - he seemed interested in this comment as he asked me to clarify it - but then he said his issue was within him not with us.

I am just going to go on being kind and supportive and that's not hard as I love him. But I feel a desperate need to know the truth and have no confidence that I will get that from him right now, so am going to bide my time and try to dig deep if I get the chance.
Thanks for comments, which I do find helpful, even those which do not sit happily with my own views

love2walk, I'm sure Whenwill will come along and confirm this, but with my DH depression was part of the reason for his affair. The OW awakened feelings in him and made him feel "alive". He couldn't understand what attracted him to her but then it was pointed out that he was actually attracted to the feelings she aroused in him if that makes sense.

During the affair my DH said he actually felt suicidal and felt like driving his car into a tree . The counselling has helped with his childhood issues which were the crux of the matter.

Good luck.

Good luck OP, please let us know what happens with this.

Thats interesting about the depression. Could be a big factor here. We have talked about how/why he is feeling so terrible but no relevations. he doesn't know, he just feels responsibility a huge burden for him - to be a good father, husband, pay our mortgage, manage staff, perform at work etc and is all responsibility. I've asked him to try and identify where the fun in his life is, or might be if there is none and we can try and work at increasing it.
But without knowing what else is going on all this support towards him feels a bit risky. I could be creating such a tolerant approach that I 'allow' him to have fun with someone else - not what I actually want. Just need to know what is going on, if anything and feels as though I'm not getting closer to knowing

Sorry but you are all totally over dramatising!! When I was in my teens I had a boyfriend who was unfaithful and I wept buckets over it but now - I have better things to think about. Like me, my kids, the things that I enjoy, a whole load of other stuff. My partner has had a few flings - to be honest I don't really care that much - tney didn't mean a lot and what we have is so much more than just "being faithful". A few shags - so what? I am really not trying to flame here, but I wish people would stop being so predictable in their responses - think out of the box a bit - you will only end up in a similar situation 5 or 10 years down the line. It is quite normal to get bored in long term relationships - do you really imagine that you are the only person that your "gorgeous, fantastic, sexy...etc partner is ever going to fancy" that is a bit unrealistic, don't you think - that is NOT intended at the poster, but just generally - I mean, I just think people need to get real about long term relationships.

loves2, be very careful you don't fall into the trap of being so lovely and tolerant you allow him to get away with all sorts. I did exactly that as H mentioned depression to me too. I immediately went into supportive, kind wife mode, made sure he had no stress at home, did as much as I could to support him etc etc. Meanwhile he was merrily off with OW. I really want to spare anyone else falling for that if I can!!

Potty, that's fine as long as you're both happy with that arrangement though..! If you're not, you've got a big problem. And I wouldn't want my husband shagging someone else and then coming back to me. I'd find it seriously hard not to care about that.

potty, I think your wonderfully tolerant experiences of an open marriage (do you get yours too, btw ?) are out of place on this thread

go and preach your right-on attitude to someone who gives a fuck about your modern foibles