Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cannot believe his latest trick!!!

80 replies

norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:10

Omfg - I am so

StbExH, has really surpassed himself this time.
Just recieved a letter form his solicitor asking for a stay of proceedings due to his mental state

Apparantly he is too emotional to sign a couple of forms to complete the divorce , but is capable of still holding down a full time job, having our DC for weekends, playing football and generally managing as well as anyone else.

sorry just needed to rant

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 10/02/2010 11:11

can youn refuse it?

hobbgoblin · 10/02/2010 11:12

can you suggest he doesn't see dc while mentally incapable? if he really is so then it would be safest plus could have potential to spur him into action?

Rubyrubyruby · 10/02/2010 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tartyhighheels · 10/02/2010 11:17

YOu can refuse this citing all the reasons you have mentioned and reminding them that this is being obstructive. Ask them to prove this and explain how he can hold down a job but not sign a couple of forms. If they have to go to a lot of trouble and expense over this he might just get on with it - don't take this laying dow, do reply and ask them to explain themselves

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:20

I have rung my solicitor and instructed her to proceed anyway, and mention in the letter that as he is not off sick from work and is capable of having the children, then there is nothing imo to stop him from proceeding.

My solicitor did say that if he still refuses to instruct his solicitor then an Official solicitor could become involved, adding to both my and his costs.

I will use the - well if you need to be assessed as fit to proceed then you should not have the DC until you are mentally stable line - if he doesn't get a shift on when he recieves my next solicitor letter.

Ruby on your behalf

OP posts:
Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:21

Worst thing is he is meant to be coming to see the DC tonight, And I am not sure if I can hold it together and be civil

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 10/02/2010 11:22

my ex refused to acknowledge our divorce. ripped up papers and wouldnt engage with the process. so i told sol who said to go to another sol for an afadavit that he KNEW divorce proceeding were going ahead....he had told me he wouldnt sign so this was enough for it to go ahead regardless

pithyslicker · 10/02/2010 11:25

I know passions can run high. But using contact as a threat is a rocky road. I'd leave it to the solicitors.

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:26

He has recieved and returned the petition already, so am not sure there is anything he needs to think about atm. agreement for DC and maintaince is all set up.

I think it is just signing afadavit then decree nisi is issued (i think)

OP posts:
Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:28

pithy - I know and I would never normally even consider sinking to his level. But he promised me he would let me know if he went onto AD's - he hasn't but sol letter says he is on them.
If he is as unstable as he says he is then surely he should ask for a stay of contact himself!!!

OP posts:
JodieO · 10/02/2010 11:30

I'd be worried about him having the children if his mental state is at question. Not through game playing but for their safety. I wouldn't let him take them tonight either until he had shown it to be safe to do so.

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:33

Ok Jodie, but how do I address that. He normally sees the DC here on a Wed eve due to the time and their age/bedtime.
I normally go out, maybe I shouldn't, but that is what he wants, to control my behaviour etc.
If I am here he ignores DC and follows me around
aaarrrhhhh

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/02/2010 11:35

it isnt about playing with or using contact if he himself says his mental state is questionable - one has to take him at his word. he cannot have the dcs if his mental state is unstable. unless supervised.

WeddingDaze · 10/02/2010 11:38

Have someone over norks?

If someone else is there to witness his behaviour he may not follow you round etc?

So sorry that it isn't going easily, i know how it feels to just want free of someone.

GypsyMoth · 10/02/2010 11:39

my ex has mental health issues,it wasnt untill i insisted on a full forensic psychological assesment,that the true extent was revealed......he's not allowed any access at all now.

insist on something if you genuinely feel he's unstable....contact centre,supervised by family mwmber...

hobbgoblin · 10/02/2010 11:50

what everyone else says - if he truly is unwell then that could be a harmful situation for the DC so on that basis alone contact needs to be assessed and probably on hold until such an assessment has taken place. It is merely a bonus that if he is taking the proverbial, he will hopefully come clean about his true capacity to function as a result of such wheels being in motion.

Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 11:59

I feel he is low in mood and may be clinically depressed, but have no concerns about his actual ability to look after the DC or function normally.
He does get very emotional, but that is because he is feeling very regretful at his actions in breaking up the family.
On reflection I think I will remain silent about having recieved the letter - leave the action to the solicitors and wait and see what his next step is.
I don't want to be seen as getting petty just because he has started playing games and is being obstructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
norksinmywaistband · 10/02/2010 19:51

Well that went well not!!!!!!

He asked me directly if I wasn't being very talkative because I had had the letter - I don't lie so said yes.

He then when I told him that obstructing things would make no difference to the outcome said, so your just pissed off that because i have made a decision and its not going your way for once. FFS he had the affair he deceived me for over a year no this isn't what I fucking wanted but it is now

He then was refusing to leave and kept talking despite me asking him 7 times politely. I then said just get out now I don't want to talk to you anymore - And he told me I only had to ask and he was going.

His parting shot because he knows it will play on my mind was. well I will see you on Saturday afternoon and then me and the DC are going on a special journey. wtf does he mean by that!!! am now sitting here in tears and shaking

OP posts:
pithyslicker · 10/02/2010 20:10

if you really think your children are at risk-stop contact.

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:14

Norks I'm sorry you're going through this. I would consider that parting comment a threat and my dcs would be going nowhere with him until I regained trust.

GypsyMoth · 10/02/2010 20:14

Take it to contact centre. Supervised only.

diddl · 10/02/2010 20:15

I think you have to stop him seeing the children tbh.

He sounds unstable.

Doha · 10/02/2010 20:16

You have a letter from his solicitor citing his mental state.

Use this as a reason to stop contact --or at least unsupervised contact at present.

Do you have your DC's passports somwhere safe ----just a thought.

Speak to your solicitor tomorrow

CarGirl · 10/02/2010 20:18

def a threat why else say it.

maristella · 10/02/2010 20:19

contact the police: he refused to leave your house and is making veiled threats re the safety of your dc's.